Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
My psychologist referred me to this web site. It’s terrific save one section: How can running away from these people be the only solution? Granted, it’s a stop-gap solution to protect yourself from future abuses; however, it’s not a solution for full/final resolution.
Allowing [them] to perpetuate their endeavors and perpetrate them on others only permits proliferation. Please tell me that there is some constructive, legal way to be proactive and preventative in a more communal fashion. I have visions of: 20 years from now they rule the world. It won’t be survival of the fittest. It will have become survival of the sickest.
To have to swallow this reality would be a further devastating blow to my slowly recovering resiliency.
There simply must be constructive ways to deal with these [people].
We all know this reader’s frustration. It seems like sociopaths are able to lie, cheat, steal, abuse, damage and injure with impunity. How can this be? Isn’t there anything we can do?
Running away
Let’s first address the issue of running away. This is the best thing to do if you are observant enough to see the signs of sociopathic behavior before you become entangled. If you know what to look for and see the red flags, or if your instincts tell you that someone is trouble, get out. You should not knowingly allow a sociopath into your life if it can be at all avoided.
Many of our readers, however, are already caught in the sociopath’s web of deceit. You have fallen in love, married the sociopath, had children with him or her, or given the person money. Or, the sociopath is a family member. Somehow, the predator already has a piece of you.
You may have been emotionally, physically or financially abused for a long time. You’ve been criticized, denigrated and told that you have mental problems. You’ve lost your confidence and your sense of self. You wonder if you are, in fact, going crazy.
At this point, you must break away from the sociopath to begin restoring your mental health. You must take yourself out of the sociopath’s game. Any time you see, talk to or exchange e-mail with a sociopath, you are opening yourself to further manipulation. He or she knows exactly how to pull you in again, and will do it.
You may call it running away; Lovefraud calls it No Contact. It’s the best way to begin healing.
Criminal prosecution
But how can you take action against the sociopath? How can the sociopath be held accountable? How can he or she be prevented from devastating someone else?
Unfortunately, it is not illegal to be a sociopath. Therefore, action can only be taken based on what a sociopath does, and many typical sociopathic behaviors are legal.
- It is legal to cheat on a spouse or intimate partner.
- It is legal to lie, except under oath and on some official documents (which never stopped a sociopath).
- It is legal for a sociopath to talk someone into giving him or her money.
Many sociopaths know exactly where the legal lines are, and manage to stay in the gray area without crossing over them. Their actions are unethical, but not illegal.
Criminal prosecution only becomes possible when a sociopath violates the law—which many of them do. Prisons are full of sociopaths.
So prosecution is possible when a law is violated, but whether it actually happens depends on the seriousness of the crime. Most murder cases get investigated. Most fraud cases don’t, especially if it’s a sweetheart scam.
Lovefraud usually recommends reporting a sociopath’s crime, even if it is not likely to be investigated. If a sociopath is doing something illegal to you, he or she is probably also doing it to someone else. Maybe if a pattern develops, authorities will take action.
Civil lawsuits
The other option is civil court—suing the sociopath. Unfortunately this will cost you money that you may not have if the sociopath has wiped you out. Then, even if you file a lawsuit, win your case and get a judgment, it may be difficult or impossible to actually get your money. Sociopaths are notorious for blowing through money; there may be nothing left for you to collect.
The whole process of taking a sociopath to court will financially and emotionally drain you. The sociopath, however, looks at a court battle as a game—a game that he or she is determined to win. And they’re good at the game. They bend the rules to suit their purposes. They put on a great show for the judge, even as they perjure themselves. They find attorneys who are equally cold-hearted, or who are so dazzled that they believe the sociopath’s lies.
Many judges, in the meantime, are as ignorant about sociopaths as you were. They hear the sociopath say, “I’m only concerned about the welfare of our children,” or, “I never meant any harm,” and believe the hollow words.
Exposing the sociopath
If you can’t take legal action, you may want to at least expose the sociopath to save someone else from being victimized. You may post the sociopath on Don’t Date Him Girl or other websites that name cheaters. You may get away with it. Or, if the sociopath you expose has resources and likes the lawsuit game (see above), you may find yourself in court, accused of libel or invasion of privacy.
Here’s another complication: There are no legal guidelines for when or how it is permissible to say someone is a sociopath. Media lawyers frequently do not allow the publications or TV shows they represent to call someone a sociopath. This may be the case even if the person making the statement is an expert. When his show about Ed Hicks was taped, Dr. Phil referred to Hicks as a sociopath. Dr. Phil certainly knows a sociopath when he sees one, but the show’s lawyers cut the term “sociopath” from the broadcast.
For this reason, Lovefraud is extremely careful with naming names. According to our terms of service, readers may not post the names of the sociopaths they have experienced in comments to this blog. And when Lovefraud does a case study in which we do identify a con artist, every single statement made about the subject of the story is documented with evidence.
Lovefraud does believe, however, that exposing sociopaths is the only thing that really works. In the future, we hope to offer a Con Artist Database to help our readers. But this is a project with many technical and legal challenges (see above). We look forward to the day when we can tackle them.
What should you do?
So what’s the bottom line? If you’ve been victimized by a sociopath, what should you do?
First, take care of yourself. Extricate yourself from the predator’s grip. That’s what No Contact is all about—escape and recovery.
Then you have to evaluate your situation to determine if further action is possible and worth the trouble. Every case is different. What did the sociopath do? Was it illegal? Do you have evidence or documentation? Do you have the money to pursue action? Do you have the emotional stamina?
If you have a good case, and the resources, by all means take action. Or, if you can’t do it now, maybe you can do it later, after you are healed.
As the saying goes, “revenge is a dish best served cold.” It took me five years, but I finally exposed my ex-husband, James Montgomery. He was fired from his job and forced into bankruptcy.
I will admit—it was satisfying.
Peachpapoose, who were you directing your questions to? It appeared you already had an answer within your own blog. If you were questioning me, I have documentation of financial exploitation to my mother. My mother was angry with her boyfriend after my sister died this summer. He never came to the visitation, funeral, and basically wasn’t there for her. She gave me documentation in the form of cancelled checks, signed, notorized loan agreements that he never paid her for, and other documentation. Then, she also told me he sexually abused her. He had anal sex with her which was consensual, but then vaginal sex immediately afterwards which was not consenual. My mother became horribly sick. We found out later that she had a bladder infection caused by the E.Coli virus. It was very touch and go for a while, because this infection took it’s toll on mom with her already having atrial fibrillation, COPD, hypertension, congestive heart failure, etc. When I notified the Elder Abuse Agency within my town, the supervisor told me “that is not how one acquires an E.Coli infection. It’s intestinal”. As a RN, I explained how it could cause an E.Coli infection. The supervisor then said my mom would never admit to it. I told her I didn’t care, this is what my mom told me and I wanted it documented. The supervisor then kept telling me over and over that I would not have access to the documentation, even though I never requested it. I have been documenting everything that has been going on; Everyone I have spoken to and what they have said. So far, no agency will help. I’ve written a letter to the editor for our local newspaper. Only one person called me to comment on it. I have tried writing Oprah and Dr. Phil. I keep thinking that if the right person hears this, they may be able to intervene and help us. Right now, it feels as if it is falling upon deaf ears.
This is my first post. I just erased what I had written so far. I couldn’t stand seeing it in print. I feel so stupid. 18 yrs of lies and manipulations. I was left with nothing. If it wasn’t for my family, my son and I would be homeless.
I just want to comment on law enforcement. My almost x is a deputy and so is his girlfriend. Most of his department is made up of people like them. So when you’re dealing with police and you think they don’t get it – they probably get it all to well.
tryingtorecover:
hope this link helps you:
http://www.abuseofpower.info/
thanks fighter
yes there are things you can do. report the incident to the police. they will do nothing if you are married and going through a divorce as they feel it is a “he said she said” if he was stealing, and will refer you to civil court. go to civil court and win the judgement. once you win, you can go to this website to report fraud: http://www.straightshooter.net/
then you can register him/her with various consumer agencies. the important thing is to document it.
you can also file a complaint with the District Attorney’s office. it always remains on file even though no action will be taken. all of these steps make it easier for the next victim to have credibility. if we all take the time to document, then eventually a pattern will be elicited and action will be taken. and if you do nothing then you are still his/her victim and are not empowering yourself and hence not moving forward.
if you are lucky and he/she was stealing from a business that you alone own, you have a case for criminal. but be very prepared with all documentation and give them heads up as to what to expect from him/her to make this into you being a vindictive, hysterical person. try and prepare them mentally what to expect. provide as much supporting evidence as you can and phone numbers for them to contact. the more prepared you are, the more likely success you will have.
They are so manipulative when it comes to the law though. The one who scammed me, waited enough time before I found out what he’d done, and then said “You can’t do anything now about that because when it was really going on was back far enough that it’s now outside the statute of limitations.” So he KNEW all along just when to do what and how and literally did not care that he had financially wiped me out with his lies about needing money for his sick child.
It didn’t phase him as long as he didn’t get in trouble and he knew JUST where those lines were. In fact to this day, every time he knows I’ve told anyone or posted him somewhere HE will go on about how vindictive I am though he never went to jail and never had to fully pay me back at all, and somehow because I actually warned others or told, I am the bad guy. It’s shocking the “logic” they use. But it’s not that they don’t know better they certainly do.
His smear campaign has been that I am vengeful and telling “lies” about him. Using his charm he’s made more than one person believe him just as I once did.
Even if you are not able to legally do anything DO TELL because it was a huge part of me starting to get myself back. It’s the truth out there for all to see. They hate that so much because they can’t control how you think about it when you are validated by others. It’s so freeing not to be isolated with who and what they are do and are.
I wish that there was a way to warn others about these sociopaths so that they would not have to go through the anguish that we have gone through.
I gave mine thousands of dollars including a car. There is no way to recover the money. I gave it willingly. It was not a loan. There was nothing in writing.
He constantly fed me tales of financial despair: his mother lost her prescription money, his niece needed to repair the water pump on her car, etc. I admit being easily manipulated. The stories seemed true and urgent. Some of them may have been true but I can’t believe that all of them were now.
Well, we are trying to do something. TH-P got mom to loan him money which he used to buy a vehicle. The title had no lien against it, and there was a loan “note” he signed, and my DIL (now X) got possession of that note and tore it up.
We have a court date June 18th in small claims court for 1) to prove he FRAUDULENTLY conned a “little old lady” into giving him the money, therefore, it isn’t just a case of a loan (and therefore a judgment we can’t collect) but FRAUD and 2) that we have a mechanic’s lien on the vehicle for storage for 10 months at $200 per month for garage=$2000.
In my state a mechanic’s lien is enforcable by either they pay or the vehicle is sold at auction and the mechanic gets his money first, then any left is to go to the owner of the vehicle.
I filed and enforced a mechanic’s lien on an airplane a man crashed here at our field and left the damaged plane in our workshop hangar. I kept tellilng him to come get it that it was in our shop hangar, the only place we had to store it, and he left it 100 days. I filed for $100 per day ($10,000) and he had to pay before he could get his damaged plane (which even damaged was worth about $100,000.)
So sometimes you can get things done in small claims court without having to hire an attorney. Rules for evidence there are more relaxed than in “regular” court too.
If you can prove FRAUD all bets are off as far as you “giving” the things—so it isn’t hopeless, just difficult.
I had to get with the reality that i wanted revenge. On him and her. Sad, but true. I wanted her to hurt also, I wanted to knowck her down a few pegs. With those kinds of thoughts I have become him. It is frustrating at best to see, feel injustice and to know it is still going on. I pray for those who come in contact..I ask God to use me if he needs me. If I am needed in helping another woman God will find a way. People warned me about the man I dated after my divorce. I wouldn’t listen to them or myself I was too sick. I believe telling my story helps. Leading a good life is sweet revenge and I benefit. And I am an example to other women. Especially my daughter. She never saw me put up with this stuff I divorced her Dad when she was two. And I never introduced the p to her. (not to say she didn’t see a change in me– after we broke up)) CALM HAPPY!!! I want to be the kind of woman who loves well…..and I started with my exsisting relations, I am a good daughter, sister, mother, friend….when the right guy comes he comes..I can’t make that part happen.
I exposed mine (see case histories, main site, ‘Used Car Salesman’) and by doing so alerted one woman who was contemplating moving in with him – and she left him. (She fit the pattern: @60, widowed, w/money) He lives in a small city and he was apparently upset that I had exposed his very tarnished reputation. I was probably the 6th or 7th in a long parade of victims.
The law is very inept in these kinds of situations and trying to recover anything from them is probably futile.
I ignored my own rules when I didn’t look into his past and pooh-poohed several red flags. My advice to someone contemplating a relationship: research their history (courthouse records, business acquaintances, etc).