Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
You really need to admire yourself for surviving an exploitative relationship. I say this very seriously, not flippantly. We all, of course, hope to minimize our involvement with exploitative individuals. But in the course of life, as we know, that’s not always possible. It is vital, therefore, if you’ve been victimized by and/or are recovering from involvement with an exploiter, to fully, genuinely appreciate (and remind yourself constantly) that you are indeed strong, impressively strong, because only the strong survive exploitation.
Many clients with whom I work (really, most people, I think) tend to see personal strength and insecurity; personal strength and low self-esteem, as incompatible. They balk at the idea that you can be a very strong person and insecure at the same time; that you can be a very strong person even with low self-esteem. For instance, when someone violates you (especially chronically) and you don’t defend yourself properly, the tendency is to attribute your failure at self-protection to “personal weakness.” The thought is something like, “If I was a strong person, I wouldn’t have let that abuse occur. I’d have asserted myself, defended myself, drawn the line.”
But it’s not personal weakness that explains the failure to protect your boundaries; it’s more often a lack of clarity, in knowing precisely what your boundaries are, and precisely what constitutes an unacceptable violation of them. Victims of sustained exploitation/abuse aren’t personally weak, quite the contrary. My experience has affirmed again and again how remarkably strong and resourceful most of them are. What they lack, however, often is a clear, secure sense of their boundaries; this insecurity of boundaries leaves them vulnerable to compromising themselves. After all, you can’t assert and/or protect your boundaries unless and until you’ve established them very clearly and securely (in your mind).
This explains what for many can seem so confusing and dichotomous: how a victim of sustained exploitation/abuse can, on the one hand, lobby so effectively for others’ interests, while, with respect to her/his own, appear stuck in circumstances he or she would counsel anyone else to reject and escape.
But I restate: You can’t protect your interests if they aren’t, in the first place, clearly defined. And you can’t defend your boundaries if, on any level, you’re uncertain, or ambivalent about, what they are. This disadvantaged position helps explain how an otherwise strong, resourceful adult can find her/himself tolerating and enduring the meanness and nonsense of a defective partner.
When my clients who have been in exploitative relationships discover confidently their boundaries, they often feel sad, on one hand, not to have done so sooner; but thrilled on the other to find themselves, as if miraculously, just as skilled at protecting their own interests as they’ve always been at protecting others’.
It’s a kind of bittersweet discovery. The bitter part, if grieved properly, is usually short-lived; the sweet aspect is long-lasting.
Dear Donna
I discovered this site a few days ago and am slowly working through all the posts. It is too difficult at times because my own pain is still too raw, having discovered less than a week ago that the man I met and fell in love with 18 months ago is a psychopath who used me and other women too.
What you wrote about defining boundaries struck a particular chord. I’ve realised that I have no concept of my boundaries and this man is not the only person who’s taken advantage of that. It’s something I’ve resolved to work on because I have to take better care of myself.
Great post, Steve & Donna!! Thank you very much for “clarifying” my very own confusion…..haha.
Makes sense, in that we are who are strong, capable, resilient, resourceful are able to be there for folks who are in their own private hells, but tend to fail practicing what we preach in our personal lives.
I need to diligently work on setting my boundaries so I NEVER let another person exploit me for their own selfish needs. I reluctantly (but relieved now) realized that I’m a wanna-be-fixer, a people pleaser, a doter, and a woman who forgives WAY too easily. I was too accepting/tolerant of behavior and actions that I intrinsically knew were just awful and harmful for me.
I’m on hiatus from meeting and dating any fella who seems interested. I gots me some work to do and for however long it takes me to become confident with the boundaries I erect, I will stay single. And happy. And learning. And growing. 🙂
Thanks for this very enlightening post. I had already ‘GOTTEN IT” about the lack of boundaries, but it never really dawned onme til I read this that Yes, I AM STRONG and have always been, but…not about boundaries where people are CLOSE to me. With everyone else, but not with them.
This concept has come home to me this week, and I made the decision today to erect some boundaries that will probably end a 15 year “friendship” with some people that have been very close to me. I have had boundaries before and they resented the heck out of them, and are again overstepping the boundaries, showing disrespect for me, and at this time I am going to have to ***FOR MY OWN SAKE*** set a boundary that I am sure will END the relationship on an ugly note.
It has been stressful to make this decision because they are also friends of my two sons as well. I made the decision, and then discussed it with my sons, and to my wonderful surprise, my sons fully supported my decision. I haven’t spoken with the people yet, will do that tomorrow after a good night’s sleep, but I already feel so much better having made the difficult decision.
Setting boundaries and then enforcing them, realizing that the relationship can be or will be “destroyed” and still be strong enough to do it, is difficult for me because I was raised to be an enabler and never “hurt anyone’s feelings” no matter what the provocation. So now, I’m learning new skills, and feeling good about it–don’t they have an obligation to treat ME with respect? Yep, I think they do.
Right on, OxD!! You ALWAYS say it much better than I can. But it’s not a contest of wisdom, but a sharing and giving of wisdom. I like that. Besides, I enjoy mingling with brainiacs. 🙂
My prayers and thoughts are with you.
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Ooh-I’ve having one of my own “AHA Lightbulb Blazing Moments” and just wanted to write it out to here to see if I’m going in the right direction. I seek out the origins of things, ’cause I want to know the story from beginning, middle, conclusion. A-Z.
Ok, I think I have finally figured out the time when my thinking process slowly influenced my future behavior and my susceptibility to emotional vampires
My P father was evil. I innately knew this. Therefore I made a solemn oath to myself when I was a little girl, some time before 10 years old, to be the EXTREME opposite of what he was.
My Psychopathic father was uncaring, unfeeling, unconcerned about anyone’s physical & emotional pain except for his. I wanted to think opposite, so I became more compassionate, sensitive to the needs of others.
My P-father was ignorant, a racist, an elitist (or thought he was), and a nihilist. I strive to be able to see the perspectives of as many folks as I can. And they’re usually fresh, original perspectives from my own, so I say….”Yeah! That’s cool!” I sought and spoke with the Lord at an early age. He is the opposite of evil. He is the epitome of good. I am a Christian but I embrace, and study all religions, philisophical ideas, as long as they’re not corruptive cults or Satanists. Sorry, I’m not that liberal minded.
So maybe in my quest for being the polar opposite of my P-father, that I somehow exceeded my best expectations, but I didn’t even THINK about erecting boundaries. That I had no concept of the danger of being exploited and used (naivete). I think I was consumed, obsessed with being a sweet, kind, good gal, that I completely overlooked the fact that I should implement me some self-preservation techniques.
And I am blatantly aware that I am not perfect in any way, nor will I ever be perfect as that is a deluded notion. I have wandered from the right path oodles of times in my life, but with prayer, determination, self awareness, I hope I can stay on the path I’m on today which seems like a very fullfilling, spiritually rewarding, enchanting, joyous one. 🙂
@....... Jane Smith
You sound so much like me it’s scary. In fact, in talking to my psycho-ex’s wife and sister I discovered the same qualities in them – a warm, generous heart, a forgiving nature and the instinctive need to help others.
I am also on hiatus from dating, it is all still too raw and painful, and I don’t know when I will be able to trust enough to let someone else into my life.
Jane, thank you very much, you swell my Narcissistic head! LOL
Jane and Odette, Both of you sound like me! I have been writing an essay on enabling (I do this as a method of learning, somehow it seems more real if I write it had do it like a “term paper”) Anyway, the essay on enabling I am doing I got an “ah ha” moment that WITHOUT an ENABLER(s) the Psychopath would be unable to function. The enabler completes the other “missing part” of him/her. A glove without a hand, a gun without a bullet, a dog without teeth—without the enabler to clean up his/her messes, without the enabler to do his/her bidding the psychopath would be impotent.
I realize that there are some psychopaths who are serial killers etc that function ALONE, but very few that I have known function totally alone, they want the enablers there to make life comfortable for them and clean up their messes or do their bidding in other ways.
Without his ENABLING mother to keep the secret from his father, my uncle couldn’t have tortured my mother for seven years. My grandmother was one of the “sweetest, kindest, most caring” women you would ever have known—and yet, she failed to protect her own baby daughter from this monster for seven long years until my grandfather finally found out and stopped it. My “sweet wonderful grandmother” was an ENABLER that allowed this horrible abuse of a baby to go on for seven years.
The moral and religious principle of “forgiveness” was defined by my family as “let’s pretend this never happened” and it was REQUIRED that you “forgive” even if the culprit had not repented, not stopped the behavior, and had no intention of stopping, and you were required to “pretend it didn’t happen.” God forbid you should confront the culprit and “upset” them. Everyone bowed to the RABID DOG in the pack and never challeneged him, least his pack of enablers rend you limb from limb.
Yes, it is bitter to realize that your strength is twisted into passivity where the “near and dear” are concerned, and that you are emotionally proscribed from setting and enforcing boundaries within the family. Learning otherwise has been an eye opener for me. Practiticing using that knowledge is like when we first start riding a bicycle without training wheels, still a bit wabbly but I’m peddling on.
Good article. Many people have said to me, you are a strong woman, but a soft touch. What does that mean? I used to think, how can people get one over me. Now I understand and looking back, I have had no idea of what my boundaries are, or I have talked myself out of them in favour of the other person. Now I realise in doing that, I have compromised myself, and not stayed true to my feelings. My feelings had little weight, but I guess that is what came of having narcissistic parents – I didnt matter.
Odette,
I’m not surprised a bit that you and I and everyone else on LoveFraud are incredibly similar in personalities/character, thoughts, and behavior. That’s why we can connect to each other relatively fast. But then again, reading each other’s heartbreaking stories develops a closeness, a bond that didn’t exist before with virtually anyone in our personal lives. We all lay it out on the line, spilling the whole sordid mess unto the page, releasing all the disillusionment, despair, & anger caused by an exploitive disordered creature. Maybe they are human also, but I’m not able to call them that title as of now. Still fuming over here in cyberland.
I know how you feel, Odette. We ALL do. Some of us are in a different place in the healing process. Like I’ve been deceived, used, abused, devalued and discarded more than once in the past 20 years, but I’m not still reeling from being betrayed by a person whom I thought loved me. You are in that phase, and you should spend as much time as possible reading and learning from the brilliant posts Donna, Miss Gallagher, Dr. Leedom, & Steve write for us. I cannont stress enough how valuable, beneficial, enlightening they are for your very own recovery and healing. 🙂
OxD,
Enabler…is that what I’ve been when I ignored my own blessed feminine intuition, failed to erect specific boundaries to protect myself, and gleefully allowed myself to be abused, gave these nasty dudes a free pass to take me for a ride?
Well, that’s gonna stop right here and now. I have informed my family members and my bestest friend in the world, that I will not tolerate inconsiderate, disrespectul, critically damaging words and behavior. Thank the Lord, that they are all loving, caring people and have been able to alter their behavior. I have also said for them to confront me if I say something that seems dismissive, tactless, mean as I don’t want to hurt anyone I love. I can be a blurter, but at least I’m able to sincerely apologize, and seriously mean it, for the crap I sometimes let spew from my mouth.
Now I’m working on implementing boundaries for any person, outside my family and friends, who most definitely doesn’t have my best interests, my wellbeing in his/her mind whatsoever.
Jane, GOOD FOR YOU! I am doing the same exact thing, setting boundaries…realizing when I feel that “uncomfortable” feeling of being “used” or “disrespected” that probalby someone is crossing my COMFORT ZONE. Then, I look and say “what is my comfort zone” concerning this person and their behavior. If they are open to it, I will talk to them and tell them what my comfort zone is and why in a tactful way so that possibly it can be resolved and they can stop crossing it.
Unfortunately, I have some friends who have been stepping WAY over my comfort zone and I set some boundaries—but they actually “didn’t get” the real problem. So I worried about it for quite some time, stressed about it, which of course only made it WORSE STRESS on me, because I truly “didn’t want to hurt their feelings”—BUT I could NOT allow them to continually cross my comfort zone about some things.
I made up my mind yesterday that I would confront them today, I told my son D and my son C who are also friends of these people, and told D & C exactly WHY I felt this way, and they both supported me 100% on this, so today I confronted my friends in a calm, quiet, tactful, and firm stand. I quite frankly expected a loud verbal outburst from one of them at least or some sign of hostility, but instead, I was happily surprised that they were very accomodating.
In fact, it went so smoothly it was almost disconcerting! LOL
There may be an outburst later, who knows, but I do know one thing, even if it totally destroys the relationship I am prepared to have that happen, because I have to take ME into consideration first and foremost. I cannot allow others, even people who love me, to disrespect my boundaries.
I am quite proud of myself (pat pat pat–that is the sound of me patting myself soundly on the back! LOL) for first examining WHY I was feeling stress about this relationship and enforcing the boundaries, even though they didn’t get them apparently, and not taking on a guilt trip myself because THEY didn’t “get” the boundaries. They are not bad or mean people, but have a different mode of thinking on some things than I do, maybe it is a cultural or social difference, I’m not sure what makes us think differently about some things, but it is NOT my responsibility to allow them to over step the bounds that I have set for myself in my home.
It’s sort of like I said to you, “I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t smoke in my home” and you said “Fine” and then right in front of my eyes, lit up a CIGAR! Then if I said something about it, you said “Oh, I said I wouldn’t smoke cigarettes, and I’m not.”
MY HOUSE, MY RULES. It isn’t like they have openly defied me, but it is just the continual LITTLE THINGS, that irritate like finger nails scraped on a black board. As much an attitude of entitlement to act as they please in MY SPACE rather than show respect for my rules, my boundaries. Seeming to always find another irritating thing to do—at some point, even those little things add up to a mountain of irritation that I don’t want to have to deal with. This isn’t a prison, there are no bars on the gates, no pad locks, so if you don’t like the rules here, no one is keeping you prisoner. There’s the door. I hate to be that way, and to have to make boundaries for common courtesy in behavior for adults who come to my home, but there comes a point, it is do something or just swallow it and I have swallowed enough disrespect for a life time. So it is now a “behave respectfully to me or don’t come here.”
I laugh about it now, but once I was really burned. The man of this couple used to work for omy husband and he idolized my husband. The man’s son is a narcissistic bi-polar with a poor lifestyle and eventually he would be tossed out of mooching on the last of his friends, and would show up here asking me to feed him as he hadn’t eaten in three days. I would tell him, I will give you a JOB and pay you with food. I told him how much food for how much work.
Once I came home from work and he was using the weed eater and I said “hello” to the boy (18 or 19) and he grumbled something nasty back about how tired he was. I ignored it and went on about my business. Later his dad (who worked for my husband) said something and I told him how his son had spoken to me. His response was “Well, you just need to stay away from him, he says you talk down to him anyway.”
I felt like I had cold water thrown in my face, and I responded by saying “WHAT! This is MY home and I should stay away from HIM?! I don’t have to tolerate anything from him. If HE wants to stay here and work so he doesn’t starve he can, but only if he treats me with respect. HE has to get along with ME, I don’t have to get along with HIM. If he doesn’t like the way I treat him, he is welcome to leave, but he will not be allowed to be rude to me on my property.” LOL
I’ve never had much problem setting boundaries with people in my life that were not emotionally involved with me or family, but I’ve always had diffculty setting the boundaries for those that I DO CARE ABOUT a great deal. I’m so afraid that I will “offend” them, but now I am learning. It still causes anxiety until I clarify my own boundaries, but it IS GETTING EASIER. This one was a big test, because they have been friends for many years, but I realize that their boundaries are not the same as mine and they “don’t get” it completely, but I still have to be firm and NOT SWEAT IT. If they end the relationship because of it, that is on their shoulders, not mine.
Dear JaneSmith, Like you I made some early decisions about how I was going to be, BUT this always disturbed me, that I had certain behaviours that were in reaction to my parents, thus, i was still caught up in the script/situation paradoxically. And for years i have thought, maybe i am just a jumble of behaviours and reactions – who is the real me – what would I have been if I didnt have dysfunctional parents? Has anyone got comments about this, because sometimes I just feel like a patchwork quilt?? Ha.