Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
You really need to admire yourself for surviving an exploitative relationship. I say this very seriously, not flippantly. We all, of course, hope to minimize our involvement with exploitative individuals. But in the course of life, as we know, that’s not always possible. It is vital, therefore, if you’ve been victimized by and/or are recovering from involvement with an exploiter, to fully, genuinely appreciate (and remind yourself constantly) that you are indeed strong, impressively strong, because only the strong survive exploitation.
Many clients with whom I work (really, most people, I think) tend to see personal strength and insecurity; personal strength and low self-esteem, as incompatible. They balk at the idea that you can be a very strong person and insecure at the same time; that you can be a very strong person even with low self-esteem. For instance, when someone violates you (especially chronically) and you don’t defend yourself properly, the tendency is to attribute your failure at self-protection to “personal weakness.” The thought is something like, “If I was a strong person, I wouldn’t have let that abuse occur. I’d have asserted myself, defended myself, drawn the line.”
But it’s not personal weakness that explains the failure to protect your boundaries; it’s more often a lack of clarity, in knowing precisely what your boundaries are, and precisely what constitutes an unacceptable violation of them. Victims of sustained exploitation/abuse aren’t personally weak, quite the contrary. My experience has affirmed again and again how remarkably strong and resourceful most of them are. What they lack, however, often is a clear, secure sense of their boundaries; this insecurity of boundaries leaves them vulnerable to compromising themselves. After all, you can’t assert and/or protect your boundaries unless and until you’ve established them very clearly and securely (in your mind).
This explains what for many can seem so confusing and dichotomous: how a victim of sustained exploitation/abuse can, on the one hand, lobby so effectively for others’ interests, while, with respect to her/his own, appear stuck in circumstances he or she would counsel anyone else to reject and escape.
But I restate: You can’t protect your interests if they aren’t, in the first place, clearly defined. And you can’t defend your boundaries if, on any level, you’re uncertain, or ambivalent about, what they are. This disadvantaged position helps explain how an otherwise strong, resourceful adult can find her/himself tolerating and enduring the meanness and nonsense of a defective partner.
When my clients who have been in exploitative relationships discover confidently their boundaries, they often feel sad, on one hand, not to have done so sooner; but thrilled on the other to find themselves, as if miraculously, just as skilled at protecting their own interests as they’ve always been at protecting others’.
It’s a kind of bittersweet discovery. The bitter part, if grieved properly, is usually short-lived; the sweet aspect is long-lasting.
Dear Oxy and Takinmeback
Gosh, your posts on ‘the P’s strip away our veneer’ are just so true. My experience with the P was horrifying to me. When I met him I was a fairly vulnerable divorcee with 2 small children. But I was doing ok. I’d moved to another part of the UK, had the boys settled in school/nursery, had a job and had begun to make friends. I was financially stable and my life was ticking along seemingly ok.
Then, BANG, he appeared. He was so handsome and charming. I counted myself very lucky to have met him and even luckier that he actually found me attractive and wanted to be with me. I was soooooo grateful!
To cut a long story short, after some years with him I found myself:
1. Friendless – he’d made me believe bad things about all my friends and I’d pushed them away.
2. Cut off from my family for the same reasons as above.
3. Working self employed as a cleaner which I did alone. I never saw or spoke to another person all day, every day. I have a higher than average IQ but he made me believe I was stupid and incapable. I didn’t have the nerve to try to do any job other than cleaning.
4. Speaking with a stammer, something that had never happened before.
5. Having daily thoughts about suicide.
6. Apologising to him every time he hit me because I genuinely believed I was such an awful person that he had no choice but to hit me.
This is just a small sample of the stuff that happened, but you get the picture.
Now, after getting away (not totally, because we have a son together and the P keeps rearing his ugly head now and again), I realise why I had to go through all this. Before the P, I had lots of other boyfriends. None were as bad as the P, but all were of the same type. Every one of them treated me with disrespect. Every one of them. Why? Because I let them. Because I didn’t think I was worthy of any better treatment than I was given. I repeated the pattern over and over and over again. And you know what, if I hadn’t had the experience with the P, I’d still be doing it now. I’d spend my entire life doing it. I’d go to my grave never knowing what it was to be truly loved, respected and cherished. It’s like I had to completely and utterly hit rock bottom (and believe me, I did!), before I could see the light.
Now, I couldn’t go so far as to say I am grateful for the experience with the P, but certainly, I am now able to see things which I never would have seen unless I had had that experience. The experience DID make me examine my life very very closely. I HAVE recognised why there was a pattern and why I kept making the same mistakes. I now have the knowledge that will allow me to break the cycle and to live a much better life in the future.
Since gaining this insight, good things are now happening to me. I have a great job working with highly intelligent people who are opening my mind to all sorts of things that I never even knew existed before. My confidence level has risen to the point where I am able to speak in public in front of hundreds of people without giving it a second thought. I am about to embark on a period of study which will give me a teaching qualification. And lots more stuff too. None of this would have seemed remotely possible when I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the filth out of someone else’s toilet!
It’s been a long hard road and there’s still some way to go, but to all those people out there who are not as far down that road as I am, I say KEEP GOING. There is life after the P and it’s potentially a much better life that you ever had before.
Welcome to you Pal. I hope you get as much comfort and support from this forum as I have. It has made a huge difference to me and I am very grateful for it.
Uksurvivor,
Thanks for the warm welcome. I can relate to where you’ve been and where you are now. My story has some similarities to yours. I agree with you completely. Experience is our most valuable teacher.
When I moved 1200 miles from home after divorcing the P, friends and family thought I was making a big mistake. Moving to a city with no friends or family nearby, was a huge leap of faith for me, but I knew it was something I had to do to discover myself and recognize my real worth and potential. I was so beaten down emotionally and mentally when I made the move, but now I am light years from where I was. Having had the experience, as painful as it was, gave me the tools to break the doomed cycle I had been living. It forced me to closely examine my life and the choices I had made. I now have a good job and a career with a bright future. I’m financially stable and have several good, supportive friends here. I still have my ups and downs, we all do, that is part of life. But I can truly say and I am at peace with myself and I am a much happier person these days.
I encourage everyone, no matter where you are in your road to recovery, to continue moving forward. The experience you’ve had is powerful knowledge. Use it to discover who you really are and to learn your full potential. We all have the power to break that negative cycle we had chosen to live. It can put you on the road to a much better and happier life.
Pal
Hi Pal
That’s one of THE greatest things about this site – when people say ‘I can relate to…….’ It was a great turning point for me when I realised that I’m not alone in my experiences. To find that I am not actually ‘completely mental’ (his words) after all!
Dear UKsuvivor,
As usual, your comments and posts are sooooo uplifting. Yes, the PATTERNS of our lives “before” and “after” are (or at least can be) so different. But I think until we can stand there NAKED and truly see our own patterns we will just keep repeating them over and over.
I heard a phrase once that has stuck with me, “sometimes you have to be flat on your back before you look up to God.”
Lessons that are the hardest to learn seeme to me to be the ones that you retain the longest. At least they have been for me. Only by looking back as I stood before that “mirror, naked” could I truly SEE the patterns in my life—there were lots of things in that “mirror” that I realized I had to change. Not changes in the Ps, which is what I had been trying to do, but changes in ME. I can’t change them, but I can change my REACTIONS to them. I realized that I COULD free myself from the chains of their emotional slavery. I could CUT THOSE CHAINS and that I DID NOT have to continue to interact with them. I had truly thought I HAD to have these people in my life. It had never occured to me that I COULD cut the chains before.
Now, I am FREE. I have earned that freedom, I have chosen that freedom and I will NEVER GIVE IT UP. Like the humble, lowly and patient Ox, I have learned that my evil master is not all powerful, and that I can get away that I do not have to submit to the brutality, emotional starvation and humiliation inflicted on me by the Ps. I now realize and celebrate my strength and my power and my freedom.
With freedom comes responsibility for self. I accept that responsibility. I cherish and flourish with that responsibility for making my own way in the world. I make decisions and am responsible for the outcomes, whether they are positive or negative. I learn. I grow. I live. Thank you God for the lessons you knew I needed to learn to set myself free, and for being patient enough with me to finally learn them.
Uksurvivor, Oxy and Pal, thank you for sharing your inspirational stories. A lot of these realizations are quite new to me. It is so validating to hear all of your triumphs as you used your experiences to empower yourselves and grow stronger. I long to be miles further down the road of recovery but I am trying to be patient and allow myself to feel and discover all that I need to along the way.
Oxy, I too have thanked God for knowing my needs and for allowing me to fall flat on my face. I had fallen on my back countless times and the shame I felt this time had me on my face crying out to God. That was as low as I had ever gotten in life. But there has been nothing more humbling than experiencing God’s grace and mercy in that moment of desperation when I had nowhere to look but to him. To feel God’s love like never before. Had I not been broken down and stripped bare of everything I knew of myself I would not have opened myself up to LISTEN to him. I am terrified of closing myself off again in all the ways I did to protect myself from others before. I liked to think I was strong and could do it on my own. I sought God’s support but not his guidance. Now I am doing both. I am learning who I am with each step, each decision and each change occuring in my life.
I have told others that I feel as if I’m learning to live life again. But this time it’s different. I am learning to live for me and to figure out what is best for me in all ways. Not selfishly but in a healthy way for a change. I am not doing this alone as God is with me. But I feel like a toddler right now learning to walk. My gait is still unsteady and sometimes I fall. But I don’t cry much anymore. I get back up and walk again. I will do this until I am running! Then I think I’ll learn how to fly. I am determined. I hold on to this site and absorb as much as I can from all of you. I don’t think I can ever stop thanking all of you for your willingness to share. God tells us that he won’t give us more than we can handle and he’ll provide for us in our time of need. Thank you God for giving me LF! I am truly not alone.
Dear Takiingmeback,
Yes, yes yes! You are NOT alone.
One of the things that I think is so super and special about this site is that the spiritual aspect of our healing—whether you are a Christian, or a Higher Power or a Hindu doesn’t matter—but the spiritual aspect is accepted here without any “preaching” or “demands” that any of us “agree” to WHAT that spiritual aspect is, just that it IS necessary to our healing.
My own mother’s twisting of the Bible teachings about forgiveness held me back for so sooooooo long, but that is the wonderful thing in stripping myself NAKED was that I did rethink my relationship with God, and start to see the GOD OF LOVE, not the hateful, vengeful, GOD OF WRATH that my mother had taught me about. What an awakening to know that she was wrong. It was only when I began to question the pain from my relationship with her that I began to SEE the truth of it, painful as it was, it set me free.
Yea, I still stumble too…but I am wabbling along on the right path, and getting back up when I stumble or fall. I’m learning and “marching on” in the right direction, and that is all any human can do. I do believe we are spiritual beings on a human journey (I read that the other day in an obituary and I thought it was so right on!) I want to see myself that way from now on and I do hope that I can continue on the right path, to grow, learn and live each day in the joy that it should be lived in.
Oxy,
I have been thinking about that night that I was so down and wanting to cry out for you on here. There are so many wonderful men and women here that share such insights and strengths . Yet I have been continually drawn to you and the words you share. I have come to realize that growing up I never had a healthy adult figure in my life. I’m sure there were healthy adults around but none that I had any close relationship with. No one to guide me or to model healthy relationships. No one showing unconditional love and support as it’s meant to be modeled by a parent. Like the love you received from your step-father.
I’m not saying that I consider you my surrogate mother LOL. Please don’t get me wrong. There are no unhealthy attachments forming here. But I have read a few times how grateful you are for the time you had with your step-father. I want you to know that the gifts he instilled in you through his love and his life are evident. You were the wise one who paid attention and learned from him. Just as you are still learning and sharing as you go along.
God has molded you into a beautiful woman dear Oxy. Your light shines bright…even through the world wide web! You give so much to all of us here. Although I may never see you face to face in this lifetime I am thankful for “meeting” you here on LF. Thank you for being a part of my journey. Thank you for continually reaching out to all of us with such warmth.
Oxy,
I loved that quote from the obit you shared. I believe we’re spiritual beings on a human journey as well. I believe that our experiences in this lifetime shape and mold our spirits. Like the potter and the clay. To think about how painful it would be if clay could actually feel. To be stretched and pulled and poked at. Ouch! But that’s how I see us. When we resist the potter it hurts even more. We harden ourselves and refuse to let him do his job. So he has to work harder. Sometimes he ends up forming the clay into a ball again and starting over. When we finally realize that all he’s trying to do is make something beautiful with us we can finally open ourselves up to the process. It may still hurt at times but I’d rather end up that beautiful piece of pottery that is put to good use than remain that lump of stubborn clay!
I keep reminding myself that it’s my choice to allow the things of the world to disfigure me or keep me balled up. Or I can open myself up to my experiences and go through the pain and allow my spirit to grow. To become who I am meant to be. Always learning, always being refined until the my journey here on earth is done. I don’t want to be a slave to my emotions nor a slave to anything of this world. People do the greatest harm to each other and, as a result, the cycle continues. The Ss in my life have taught me what I don’t want to be. To me they are devoid of that spiritual element as they desire ultimate control. It is in giving up control that we find happiness and love in who we are. We choose to be wise instead of controlling and to be cautious instead of paranoid.
As I’ve said I feel humbled by what God has shown me so far in this lifetime. I don’t know how or why some of us see this and others don’t. I don’t understand genetics and how that figures into spirituality and all of this. I have lots of questions!
PS When I mentioned in my post about others not seeing the spiritual side to things I was referring to the S/N/Ps. I know everyone’s experiences here have been different. I am merely speaking from my own.
Dear Takingmeback,
Thank you for those lovely words to me, and I am glad that you have connected, I too feel a connection with you as a therapist. It IS amazing how people who have never met in this lifetime, living even worlds apart CAN connect with each other in such a positive way over the internet.
This blog of Donna’s is the most healing of any of the N or P blogs that I have have read or posted on. There is more caring, good advice, and just human LOVE shown here that any other place I have been.
I am on the road to healing, but at the same time, I know that I still need to make more progress, that I am still somewhat “unsteady” on my feet and at times will fall. That is why I keep coming back here to read and post. Reading gives me new insights, but also putting down in words my feelings and my thoughts also seems to solidify them, make them more real as well. Internalize them better.
Putting aside the anger at the injustice of it all, the unnecessary pain of it all has been difficult for me, and I am still working on that with my relationship (or as the case may be , LACK of relationship) with my mother. I seem to have come to acceptence with the other past P-experiences, but am still working on the information and the emotions about my mother that I am finally facing. It seems as if this is the FINAL BIG HURDLE before the road levels out. Who knows, it may be and it may not, but I do know that Ihave to cross this hurdle before I can move on to other things.
My P-son was big into reading philosophy, and some of the things he read and passed on to me are really quite wise. I wish he could have interanlised them, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t true.
He told me a story once about how we let the past drag us down.
If you were say back on the Lewis and Clark expedition to cross the entire north american continent in 1803 and you came to a river which was so wide you had to contstruct a raft. And you and your mates spent a week chopping down trees, finding vines to bind it together and so on, and built this beautiful functional raft to cross the river with. When you got to the other side you looked at the raft and thought about all the time, effort, labor, and craftsmanship you put into this raft and you just couldn’t find it in your heart to leave this raft behind.
Well, you thought, you know, this is a GOOD raft, and I worked hard at it, if I leave it behind, all this effort will be wasted. I may need to cross another river before long and when I get to that river, I will already have this good raft built and I won’t hve to build another one.
Would that make sense? Would you drag that heavy raft across mountain tops just in case you might need it again? Of course not, you would (if you had any sense) leave that raft on the side of the river and say to yourslef “that was a great raft” and when I get to the next river, I will have learned how to build a good raft and if I ever need another raft, I know I can build one well. Then you would have moved on, unemcumbered by dragging that heavy raft that you just couldn’t bring yourself to turn loose of.
We need to use the raft (past) for our journey and crossing the rivers, but we can’t hang on to it, it will become too heavy and keep us from advancing on our journey. There comes a time we must “leave it by the rivers” and move on without it. It was useful for it’s purpose, but it’s purpose is no more.
Sometimes our “raft” is made of anger, which does energize us, but if we keep dragging that anger along after its usefulness is over, we will weight ourselves down and can’t progress like we could without it.
Sometimes our “raft” is made of self-pity.
Sometimes our “raft” is made of the desire for revenge.
All o f these things may be our rafts, and many more things as well, but when their usefulness is over, we can’t keep dragging them and make any more progress over the hurdles and mountains until we are willing to “leave the raft behind.”
I have had so many rafts, from ones made of “self delusion” to “pity” and “self pity” of “fear” and “anger” and 100 other emotions, but I am finally learning to let go of these rafts that have been valuble to me at one “river” or another, that have kept me afloat when I was sinking. But I have to leave them behind and move onward.
I realize I have constructed soo many rafts out of the wood of anger, and though short term, it has helped me across the great rivers in my life, as a traveling companion, it weights me down. Makes the journey so much harder.
So I work on building rafts of other materials. Care for myself, kindness, building rafts that are light and folding and I can pack up and put in my back pack without weighting myself down or rebuildilng at each river crossing. Peace and love to all.