Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
You really need to admire yourself for surviving an exploitative relationship. I say this very seriously, not flippantly. We all, of course, hope to minimize our involvement with exploitative individuals. But in the course of life, as we know, that’s not always possible. It is vital, therefore, if you’ve been victimized by and/or are recovering from involvement with an exploiter, to fully, genuinely appreciate (and remind yourself constantly) that you are indeed strong, impressively strong, because only the strong survive exploitation.
Many clients with whom I work (really, most people, I think) tend to see personal strength and insecurity; personal strength and low self-esteem, as incompatible. They balk at the idea that you can be a very strong person and insecure at the same time; that you can be a very strong person even with low self-esteem. For instance, when someone violates you (especially chronically) and you don’t defend yourself properly, the tendency is to attribute your failure at self-protection to “personal weakness.” The thought is something like, “If I was a strong person, I wouldn’t have let that abuse occur. I’d have asserted myself, defended myself, drawn the line.”
But it’s not personal weakness that explains the failure to protect your boundaries; it’s more often a lack of clarity, in knowing precisely what your boundaries are, and precisely what constitutes an unacceptable violation of them. Victims of sustained exploitation/abuse aren’t personally weak, quite the contrary. My experience has affirmed again and again how remarkably strong and resourceful most of them are. What they lack, however, often is a clear, secure sense of their boundaries; this insecurity of boundaries leaves them vulnerable to compromising themselves. After all, you can’t assert and/or protect your boundaries unless and until you’ve established them very clearly and securely (in your mind).
This explains what for many can seem so confusing and dichotomous: how a victim of sustained exploitation/abuse can, on the one hand, lobby so effectively for others’ interests, while, with respect to her/his own, appear stuck in circumstances he or she would counsel anyone else to reject and escape.
But I restate: You can’t protect your interests if they aren’t, in the first place, clearly defined. And you can’t defend your boundaries if, on any level, you’re uncertain, or ambivalent about, what they are. This disadvantaged position helps explain how an otherwise strong, resourceful adult can find her/himself tolerating and enduring the meanness and nonsense of a defective partner.
When my clients who have been in exploitative relationships discover confidently their boundaries, they often feel sad, on one hand, not to have done so sooner; but thrilled on the other to find themselves, as if miraculously, just as skilled at protecting their own interests as they’ve always been at protecting others’.
It’s a kind of bittersweet discovery. The bitter part, if grieved properly, is usually short-lived; the sweet aspect is long-lasting.
Stargazer, if you dont mind me asking, how long were you with th p ?
This is a great article. All of us share similar characteristics because that’s what sociopaths look for in their victims. Loving, forgiving, open, and naive people who believe in the good of people. But, like everybody else, I didn’t have proper boundaries, and my husband’s x/s took the inch I gave her and turned it into a yard. Then blamed me for giving it to her. They have no concept of boundaries. So this article has been wonderful, even though I’ve already had this discussion with myself, it helps to serve as a reminder that we will be somebody’s victim if we don’t stand up for ourselves.
Henry,
The butterflies in the stomach etc. are NOT ALWAYS RED FLAGS, it is just when it “comes too soon” that we need to watch out.
I found a book, quite by accident, it came in a box of other books I bought at the auction the other night that I think is JUST FOR YOU AND KAT (AND ME) It is called “Self Matters” by Phillip C. McGraw, Ph.D.
It is written in plain English, no psycho babble, but basicly it is all about how our TRUE SELVES, not what someone else expects us to be or to want or to do IS WHAT MATTERS. I am abouthalf way through with it, and so far it is just telling me things I have already figured out, but putting it in a new way and making great sense.
I am going to bed at night saying to myself “tomorrow will be a great day” and getting up saying “today will be a great day” and IT IS. I looked out my bedroom window this morning, the sun is shining after the rainy day yesterday and my little violet colored flowers are still there, a few tiny bits of color there for my enoyment. We are having the first crisp “September” day (even though it is the first week of October) today and when I stepped out on the porch the crispness of the air was wonderful, the sun shining and it IS A WONDERFUL DAY. Yesterday it rained and THAT WAS A WONDERFUL DAY TOO. The rain gave me a chance to work inside and I spent most of the WONDERFUL day on my knees on the floor stripping wax off the tiles and ENOYED it. All the public rooms in my home are sparkling clean, the cabinets and the furniture are all polished the floors look great. I rearranged my “treasures” that I display, and cleaned the inside of the windows—I HATE housework but it was WONDERFUL that I had the ability and the energy to do it, and God was nice enough to send a rainy day so I could work inside. Just for me. Special for me.
I went to bed last night, creeking in my tired joints, but had a smile of accomplishment on my face, proud that I did even the mundane things I usually hate with JOY AND THANKSGIVING!
I think that until you have been to HELL AND BACK it is hard for us to appreciate what a wonderful life we have available to us.
One of the nicest things I have in my life is YOU GUYS! (((HUGS)) AND ALWAYS MY PRAYERS.
Dear Stargazer and Henry. You both make an important point and that point resonates with the choices we make. If we feel second best, or the unchosen ones, or lonely, wanting affection – then when someone comes along who shows us interest, such as those with PDs, we are in trouble – we are already vulnerable. So for me, its remembering the hard lessons I learned and not forgetting when I put my hand in the fire. That even if I am living alone, I will not sacrifice my wellbeing to have my world and my health turned upside down and my self esteem ruined, by those who professed to care for me, but who turned out to be deceivers. Kind regards to you both.
beverly How’s it going? I seem to miss your blog’s. it is good to read you again you are always so right. I hope all is well with you – and thanks for the words of wisdom – because I remember every blog you have written and you come from the heart – wiser – and yes you have been there just like all of us.. I am getting used to being alone again. I have spent most of my life living alone and I can do it again….Oxy if you will come clean my house I will get butterflys in my stomach!!!!! i am happy you are so energetic and enjoying the simple gift’s of life. I will check out phil mcgraws book after I read the 4 or 5 waiting to be read…have a good nite oxy – no frost hear yet but will be soon!!!
Taken for a ride: To answer your question, I was only with the P for a 2-1/2 months. And yet I was devastated by the relationship and the crazy way it ended at the beginning of July. I’m just now starting to consider dating again.
OxD, I do believe that when someone has experienced so much sorrow as you have, they are capable of also experiencing great joy. It’s really wonderful to be able to appreciate the little things in life because I think most people don’t.
So it was only last weekend I was longing for the P again. I am happy to report I have felt detached from him all week and feel as if I’m moving on. I saw an energy worker type therapist last night after work, and it helped a great deal. I left feeling happier and more grounded, and it’s sticking.
Dear Bev,
I second Henry’s comment, I miss your comments! Hope you are doing well. I’m going for my “yearly check up” tomorrow, but my health is about as good as it could be for someone my age. My energy is sufficient and no complaints except I can’t do as much as I could when I was 30! LOL
Henry, I actually worked my way through college cleaning houses. A friend and I formed a small partnership and we would hire other students to help us from time to time, and we could swoop into a house and be out in an hour—we went in a RUN! But we made about $10 an hour profit when the “minimum” wage was like $3 bucks. I absolutely HATE to clean house, and back when I worked full time I hired my housework done so I could go outside and work on the farm instead. LOL I’d rather build barb-wire fence than clean house, but I do like a clean house and this place is LONG over due to have the old wax stripped off floors, and the cabinets washed down and oiled—It looks really nice and feels good to get it done.
Son D and I worked outside today, doing constrution on our water system housing. We got nearly done, but about 6 hours of “hard manual labor” was all I could do today after my 10 hours of hard manual labor on my knees yesterday! LOL
The thing that is blowing my son D’s mind though is how much JOY I am having in doing things I normally hate to do. I’ve been working room by room and organizing things a little at a time but it still was “a mess” until yesterday when I brought it “all together” with a final decluttering and cleaning the floors.
When I was depressed and down, or “crazy” it didn’t matter to me what the house looked like, it didn’t matter to me if I got out of bed that day or not, or if I ate or what I ate, or if the dishes were done or not done. About the only thing I ALWAYS took care of was the dogs, but nothing else mattered because I was in such pain.
I had NO HOPE that I could control anything, I had given away all my power. Now I KNOW I CAN TAKE THAT POWER BACK, I KNOW I can take control of my life, my attitude and how I experience things. I don’t have control over what others do, just my reaction to it. Living P-FREE has allowed me to heal and to get my confidence back, my energy back and my “give-a-chit” back. I am also not “racing” through life with a “hurry-hurry” attitude and that was one of my “biggies”–son D commented on that today when we didn’t finish the project we had hoped to get finished today and I said “wel, time to knock off for the day” and he looked at me kind of funny. He is the one getting the “hurry up” attitude now, NOT ME, and he’s never seen me so laid back, and I MEAN IT, I’m not faking it. I had to fake it for a while, but you know now it is becoming “natural”—the just TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME, do what you can do, and don’t worry about the rest.
It’s funny, too. I know my 401K has taken a NOSE DIVE with the stock market going down so much, and normally that would have sent me into a PANIC, but not now…I’m not even worried. God has always provided me a living and I’ve never been hungry a day in my life and I think I should have learned by now that He will feed me and dress me and that I will have what I NEED. I’ve had more money than I do now, and I’ve had less, and I can’t tell that how content or happy I am depends on how much money or how much “stuff” I have.
Well, I think I am off to sleep to rest these old tired bones. Son D is going off for the weekend tomorrow with friends and taking a well deserved break away from the farm and “the straw boss” with her skillet!
Thanks for your comments Henry and Oxy. I have my first check up later this month, but I have a painful back problem that is being investigated, so I have not felt on top form of late, low energy and I have had to go to work, which I am finding more and more difficult. But the run in with the Narcissist definately marked the end of my good health and that was only after a year or so of knowing him. When I read some of the blogs here where people have put up with years of bad behaviour, I really am in awe of their tenacity.
Like you Henry, I have spent alot of my life alone, but I suppose the prospect of going into ones autumn years alone looks abit depressing, but the bottom line, though, is that we havent got the chaos and grief. Weekends are the worst for me, I work during the week and whilst most of my work colleagues are married and come into work giving me accounts of where they went and what they did over the weekend, it does make me slightly envious. However, I do have a range of friends and I try to line things to do for the weekend and I also read alot. To be honest Henry, I think on a spiritual level, although we may want another relationship, the cosmos affords us a resting phase and a relationship will only be presented to us, when we are ready to work on the next phase of our development. I still think about the N daily, mainly because I am still living in the same town as he, but the thoughts are fleeting and less vivid.
Oxy, it was so good to read your comments and you sound as though you are doing so well and supporting others here. I so value my friends here and I do read from time to time.
Dear Bev,
I’m sorry to hear about your back, that can be a “pain” no pun intended.
I am doing so much better that I’ve had to sit down with my son D and explain to him that I’m not “going off my nut” or suddenly become “manic” (as in Bi-polar) that I am happier than I have been in YEARS, at least since a year before my husband died when my beloved step dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. So it has been essentially one crisis after another for the last 5 years (Oct of 2003 for the diagnosis of his cancer). The last few weeks since I sort of “turned a corner” I think and felt comfortable enough to move out of the RV (though it was parked here on the farm since last December) and back into my house and sleep in my own bed here has just been on a real upward trend.
I went today for my yearly physical check up, then went to visit friends for the rest of the dayand just in general had a lovely day—one of a nice SERIES of lovely days. Son D is going for a 3 day weekend off with his buddies to see other buddies out of town, so I will have 3 days here alone to just “do my thing” by myself and that will be good for both of us. I’m like Southernman, reading books on various aspects of healing, and some religious texts, the Bible, and also some “chewing gum for the eyes” as my husband used to call novels that he read, just diversion. Trying to get a BALANCE back in life of work and recreation, learning and zoning out.
I am sort of in the stage like a woman is after a tremendously hard and difficult labor and delivery—while it was going on it was HORRIBLE, the worst pain I ever felt, but after it is over, then I can look back and remember that I WAS in pain, but not exactly how horrible it felt any more. I can’t conjure it back up.
The emotional pain I liken to the movie “Jaws” (if any of you remember that movie) at the time I watched it, I was on the EDGE OF MY SEAT with anxiety and tension, and in fact in the scene where the head fell out of the boat suddenly under the water and EVERYONE in the theater screemed in unison, I FROZE IN PANIC—ten when they had stopped screaming and it was silent in the theater, I stood up and screamed “OH, SHIT!” IN THE OTHERWISE QUIET THEATER. I told that story to a woman a few years later and she asked, “Was that at a Theater in Jacksonville, AR?” and I said “Yes, why do you ask?” she said I WAS THERE! LOL
After that my ex husband would not sit with me in tense movies! wonder why? LOL
Now, I can tell you the plot and describe all the scenes of that movie, but I CAN’T FEEL THE EMOTIONS that went with them. If that makes any sense. At the time it was happening, I was EMOTIONAL about it, but now, I remember the events like I remember the scenes of that movie, sort of “disconnected” from the anxiety and tension and pain of the events. I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone but me, but that’s the only way I can describe it.
The ABSCENCE of pain is WONDERFUL. It was all like a horrible toothache and the way you feel when it is OVER, it makes you appreciate NOT BEING IN PAIN as wonderful. That’s kind of where I am right now. NO PAIN, and I want to dance on air because I have been in “labor” for so long!
Bev don’t stay away too long, please, we miss your wonderful insights! I hope all comes out well with your check up and that your back gets better. ((((hugs)))) and you are always in my prayers.
OxD,
Maybe you should celebrate anniversaries of being P-free! Your blog made me smile, though I haven’t much else to add today. Since I faxed in the sworn statements on Tuesday, I have not heard a thing, and I’m very happy about it. I’m finally P-free, too. Yay!