Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
You really need to admire yourself for surviving an exploitative relationship. I say this very seriously, not flippantly. We all, of course, hope to minimize our involvement with exploitative individuals. But in the course of life, as we know, that’s not always possible. It is vital, therefore, if you’ve been victimized by and/or are recovering from involvement with an exploiter, to fully, genuinely appreciate (and remind yourself constantly) that you are indeed strong, impressively strong, because only the strong survive exploitation.
Many clients with whom I work (really, most people, I think) tend to see personal strength and insecurity; personal strength and low self-esteem, as incompatible. They balk at the idea that you can be a very strong person and insecure at the same time; that you can be a very strong person even with low self-esteem. For instance, when someone violates you (especially chronically) and you don’t defend yourself properly, the tendency is to attribute your failure at self-protection to “personal weakness.” The thought is something like, “If I was a strong person, I wouldn’t have let that abuse occur. I’d have asserted myself, defended myself, drawn the line.”
But it’s not personal weakness that explains the failure to protect your boundaries; it’s more often a lack of clarity, in knowing precisely what your boundaries are, and precisely what constitutes an unacceptable violation of them. Victims of sustained exploitation/abuse aren’t personally weak, quite the contrary. My experience has affirmed again and again how remarkably strong and resourceful most of them are. What they lack, however, often is a clear, secure sense of their boundaries; this insecurity of boundaries leaves them vulnerable to compromising themselves. After all, you can’t assert and/or protect your boundaries unless and until you’ve established them very clearly and securely (in your mind).
This explains what for many can seem so confusing and dichotomous: how a victim of sustained exploitation/abuse can, on the one hand, lobby so effectively for others’ interests, while, with respect to her/his own, appear stuck in circumstances he or she would counsel anyone else to reject and escape.
But I restate: You can’t protect your interests if they aren’t, in the first place, clearly defined. And you can’t defend your boundaries if, on any level, you’re uncertain, or ambivalent about, what they are. This disadvantaged position helps explain how an otherwise strong, resourceful adult can find her/himself tolerating and enduring the meanness and nonsense of a defective partner.
When my clients who have been in exploitative relationships discover confidently their boundaries, they often feel sad, on one hand, not to have done so sooner; but thrilled on the other to find themselves, as if miraculously, just as skilled at protecting their own interests as they’ve always been at protecting others’.
It’s a kind of bittersweet discovery. The bitter part, if grieved properly, is usually short-lived; the sweet aspect is long-lasting.
ellejay: Welcome. This is the place to undo the damage they’ve done to an individuals.
Just no, that you are not the greedy one with ulterior motives. He was.
In the mean time, read as much as you can on this blogg, write to anyone on here … if we are on-line at the time you write, we will gladly write back.
At this time of you writing in … relax, know that it will take a while to get back to feel your strength again in who you are. We are all in this together, so don’t think you are alone. Just understand that you were involved with a very selfish, greedy person who will manipulate anyone, not just you, but anyone for them to be at advantage over another.
Be good to yourself as you go through this process of healing. The TRUTH will set you free. Do NOT blame yourself … just keep your mind open as you read all the articles, read as many of the bloggs … and notice the similarities we all have in common with being with Selfish, self centered greedy people who have twisted our lives out of control.
You found the right place to heal.
Peace to your heart and soul … you are at the beginning of your healing journey.
ellejay: Sorry for all the typos. LOL.
Dear elleay,
I think most if not all of us have had boundary issues, I know for SURE that I DID. If I didn’t “get along” with anyone, I seemed to try to find a way to placate them and “make peace.”
I didn’t have a problem with strangers crossing boundaries, but it was those that were NEAR to me–family and “close friends” who wheren’t really friends.
I have now realized that when someone does something that appears to me to be “unkind”—or “hurts my feelings” or “makes me mad” I sit down and try to analyze just what has happened. I have some “friends of the family” who were more friends of my late husband’s than of mine, and friends of my son’s than of mine, who actually, don’t really even like me, but are willing to get me to “do things” for them, which they do not appreciate. Then, when the things they are DEMANDING I do for them are not to their satisfaction, it is MY “fault.”
For a long time I had a big problem with this, I FELT GUILTY because they were unhappy with me. NOW I realize that they have NO respect for me, and treat me as I ALLOW THEM TO TREAT ME. A few months ago I finally came to the conclusion that I was “walking on egg shells” around them to try not to “upset” them for imposing on me unreasonably. DUH!
I confronted them about some of the things they were doing. At the time they were living in their RV on my property and using my buildings for storage, using my things, and leaving messes for ME TO CLEAN UP.
I started by cautiously confronting them about their behavior that I found unacceptable. They made no effort to apologize for it, and no effort to change. I became more resentful of what I was doing for them (actually that they should have been doing for themselves, i.e providing a place to park their RV and to live) and when they finally started to “bow up” and get huffy about my “unreasonable demands” on them (that were actually endangering the life of my dog because they would not keep their pit bulls contained properly) I finally said, “THIS IS ENOUGH.”
I cried over this, I moaned over this, and I debated with myself over all this, but I finally got my “back up” and went to them. I just simply said, “This is NOT working out, you will have to leave here.” (at the time, I still felt guilty about “throwing them out” when they had no place to go) Logically, I knew it was NOT my responsibility to let them park on my place and to use my facilities, leave messes for me to clean up, have to keep my frozen food freezer locked so they would not help themselves to my food in the middle of the night, to pay their electric bills up front and then hassle them until they finally paid me a month or two late, etc. yet, my EMOTIONS which had been trained for decades that I was responsible for everyone’s happiness regardless of how they treated me with disrespect told me I should feel guilty.
Now that I have some practice in “setting boundaries” and enforcing them, I am getting better and NOT feeling guilty when I enforce a boundary. A boundary is simply a thing that you tell someone that their behavior is adversely impacting on you.
My best friend for the past 20+ years would sometimes say “hateful” things to me. She loves me I know she does, yet from time to time for some reason she would kind of “go off” on me and say something hateful. Almost like some siblings will do to each other. I would never say anything back though some of the things she said were very hurtful, because I knew even then that if you set a boundary, you have to be PREPARED to lose the relationship.
A few months ago I went to visit her, during the time I was there we were taking everything out of her kitchen which was packed with cooking utensils and so on that made it very disorganized. While we were taking everything out and cleaning everything down to the bare bones, we discovered a dead mouse under her stove. That happens, it isn’t because she was dirty, but mice get in, eat the poison you put out and then die in secluded spots. No big deal, just get it out.
She was embarassed I think, and turned to me and said “You are gonna tell everyone that I had a dead rat in my kitchen.” This was said in a hateful accusing voice. It hurt my feelings, and I didn’t say anything to her, but I did turn and walk away. In the past I would not have walked away or indicated in anyway that I had been hurt. I went to her spare bedroom where I was sleeping and got my suitcase and started to pack.
She followed me in there and asked what I was doing. I turned to her and said “B, I came down here to help you reorganize your kitchen, I did NOT come down here to be talked to in that tone of voice. So I am going home.”
She reached out and hugged my neck, apologized, and I believe sincerely, and has never spoken to me in that way since. I set a boundary for the way I wouuld allow her to speak to me. The problem was NOT ME, the problem, whatever it was, was some anger within her–maybe at someone besides me–who knows, but I will NOT ALLOW her or anyone else to speak to me in that tone of voice and still remain within my “circle of trust.”
I have also made several other RESOLVES. When someone lies to me, for whatever reason, I will no longer trust that person. Most likely never again.
I will not assocaite on an “intimate” level with anyone who is a liar, a thief, a user or others, who is rude to others, who is not honest in paying their bills, who borrows money and doesn’t pay it back, etc. I will not become an “intimate friend” of anyone who behaves in a immoral or illegal way.
I will forgive those people any hurt they do to me, but not for them, but for myself, so that the bitterness I feel toward them does not EAT ME UP. But—I will not trust those people or give them another chance to use me.
My family’s “friends” who have proven to me that they do not respect me, or even really like me, will not be allowed to use or abuse my good nature again. I will not “enable” them to use me to provide for themselves what it is THEIR responsibility to provide for themselves. In the meantime, they have moved their RV into the yard of his retarded brother who does own his own home, and they are using him and his good nature. Not my responsibility, but they have just moved on to “another sucker” and I am sorry that they are using his brother, but again, I cannot stop them, make them change, or even shame them into providing for themselves.
I don’t think they are psychopaths, but they do have some “definite dependency problems” and want others to provide for their needs. I no longer feel guilty about THEIR PROBLEMS that THEY CREATED. The best thing that has come out of it though, is that my son D who has felt very close to these people for most of his life, now “SEES” them for what they are. So it wasn’t a total loss, and I did by their behavior start to learn how to set real boundaries, and to enforce those boundaries, and realize I had a RIGHT to set those boundaries.
After reading & thinking about this, I know I have problems with setting any kind of boundary for myself. Looking back at my behavior for my whole life, I have always been the peace keeper of the family, loathing any type of confrontation. I would accept things to do or comments made to me that were not in my best interest, because it was easier for me to remain silent with hurt feelings, than to risk upsetting the other person, & have them upset with me. I can trace this behavior back to my childhood. I used to work with a lady that I became friends with, & I remember her saying things she had told her husband when they were still dating-that she would not put up with a certain behavior, or compromise her values to please him. I remember envying her for being so brave to be able to express her feelings-something very alien to me. How do you get more assertive without coming off like a cold hearted person?
sstiles54 – I dont think having boundaries means we are cold blooded people. I am like you I am not good with boundaries so I am always doing things i dont want to do for other people because I dont want to upset them or rock the boat. And like you I am a people pleaser to a fault. But we have to learn how to say no – no thanks – no I don’t want to do that. The reason we can’t say no is we want to make everybody happy. I even tell my son’s no and I can tell they are dissapointed but they will get over it. And if someone – even family and loved one’s – get pissed because we say no – then they don’t care how we feel they just want something. And if someone chooses not to be in my life because I said no – then I have lost nothing
I have very strict boundaries around people who have a lot of drama going on. I am not an enabler, and that is a strict policy. I’ve lost a few friends over it when I had to confront them and say no to them. But what I found is that they were not real friends; they all had some sort of addiction(s) that were driving them. My current friends are reasonably healthy and high energy and contribute at least as much to my life as I do to theirs. It they are busy, I would prefer my own company than to hang out with people who drain my energy.
I have gone to ridiculous lengths to make everyone happy all the time. I’ve cut back lately for the simple reason that I fail miserably to make the most important people in my life happy when I’m spread to thin. My husband, my kids, my close friends and my extended family hate to see me exhausted. They know I’m a bit dumb when it comes to figuring out when and how to say no, so sometimes they help me figure it out.
A few days ago a hospitalized member of the family asked me to use my computer to go on line and pay her bills using her passwords etc. She also wanted me to do the same thing for a few other people. Apparently she’d been managing other people’s finances for years. I found the task more than a little overwhelming, and I was intimidated. What if something went wrong and I was blamed? At best the chore was going to be time consuming. At worst it was going to put me in jail. I wrung my hands for 3 days. I simply didn’t want to go into other people’s accounts and handle their money as if it were mine. Finally, I confided in my sister in law. She said, “Why don’t you just give her internet access and a laptop?” (Now why didn’t I think of that?) The hospital maintenance worker is going to set up the internet access line in her hospital room tomorrow AM. I’ll bring in my laptop. Problem solved.
I do that a lot now. If I get overwhelmed or feel uneasy, I confide in the people I trust. They help me see a way out of my dilemma. I don’t feel ashamed of this shortcoming of mine, because there are other areas of my life where I am quite competant. I have a little problem saying no, but I’m getting by with a little help from my friends. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Henry’s right. Don’t worry about seeming unkind or cold. Agonizing over it proves you’re not. Sometimes people ask for things that are unreasonable. Sometimes we simply give too much. I know people who have actually committed crimes because they didn’t know how and when to say “No!”
Enforcing boundaries doesn’t make you a cold fish. It leaves you with emotional energy reserves to engage the people you truly care about in deeply meaningful ways. It protects you from being damaged and depleted to the point where you can no longer enjoy loving relationships.
When someone asks you to do something that you do NOT WANT TO DO—they are pushing your boundaries. PERIOD.
When someone does something that makes you angry, they have pushed your boundaries.
My mom, after my dad and my husband died, kept wanting me to “entertain” her, be her driver and be at her beck and call on HER TIME FRAME, not mine. I tried to nicely set a boundary that I would take her anywhere IF IT WAS CONVENIENT FOR ME. She said (snotty) “Well, then I just won’t ask you for anything.” (trying to lay a guilt trip on me) and I responded by “Yes, you can ask me, but I have the right to say NO.”
Her response to that was, “Well, what if I WANT TO GO WHEN I WANT TO GO?” I told her, “If it is an emergency, I will drop what I am doing and go, but if it can wait, then if you want to go on your time frame, hire someone to take you. I need time to take care of MY business.”
This, of course, did not satisfy her. That was one of my first real attempts lately to set a boundary and of course, she rebelled. In fact, it was shortly after that that she started cultivating and being cultivated by the psychopaths who would “do her bidding” on her time frame. After my X-DIL and the TH-P stole money from her, she was so upset and said “But they were always so RESPECTFUL to me.” LOL Sure, they were catching more flies with honey than I was with truth! (which was somewhat bitter to her.)
People who have guilted you into doing for them by inconveniencing yourself come to expect this and feel ENTITLED to impose on you.
That sense of entitlement may make them angry, cause you’ve always loaned them money when ever they asked (of course they are never able to pay you back again) but they come to depend on you to pick up the slack that they aren’t willing to for themselves.
There is an old saying that “it’s hard to admire someone’s new car when they owe you money.” In fact, I had just that experience a few days back when someone who owes me money told me about how she had spent $1500 on a new TOY for her husband, and told me how much she loved her new car” LOL I’ll eventually get the money I know, but it did sort of tick me off, and in the future, I will never sell these people anything on “time” again. I didn’t raise a fuss about it, no sense in doing that, but I just marked it down to a lesson for me.
Boundaries are simply how WE ALLOW others to treat us OVER AND OVER AND OVER. Everyone, anyone, can make a miscalculation once in a while and get chit on, but it is when you allow the chitting to go on and on, over and over that you can say “you need to work on your boundaries.”
Everyone of us will once in a while violate someone else’s boundariies, or have someone accidently violate ours and hurt our feelings, but if you say “Let’s talk, we have a problem” and then explain the boundary and how you feel, if that person is really your friend, it can be worked out. If not, and you “lose” someone it wasn’t a real friend, just someone who wanted to crap on you.
My Psyco , one of the last phone conversations I had with him . Was telling me about his new Phone and his new clothes , about having 7 pairs of new jeans with the tags still on them and his new apt w/columbians who could’nt speak english! I said What about the moneys you owe me for the last 6 yrs? Ah
Never ever crossed his pea to pay me back a penny! Like it never occured!
Amazing! Their minds work without Concience! Mindbogling! LOVE JJ
To me, it’s not a problem when people ask you something you don’t want to do. It becomes a problem when they don’t accept your answer of “no”. A real friend should never try to make you feel guilty or selfish for saying “no”. And they should always consider your feelings and schedule when they ask a favor.