Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
You really need to admire yourself for surviving an exploitative relationship. I say this very seriously, not flippantly. We all, of course, hope to minimize our involvement with exploitative individuals. But in the course of life, as we know, that’s not always possible. It is vital, therefore, if you’ve been victimized by and/or are recovering from involvement with an exploiter, to fully, genuinely appreciate (and remind yourself constantly) that you are indeed strong, impressively strong, because only the strong survive exploitation.
Many clients with whom I work (really, most people, I think) tend to see personal strength and insecurity; personal strength and low self-esteem, as incompatible. They balk at the idea that you can be a very strong person and insecure at the same time; that you can be a very strong person even with low self-esteem. For instance, when someone violates you (especially chronically) and you don’t defend yourself properly, the tendency is to attribute your failure at self-protection to “personal weakness.” The thought is something like, “If I was a strong person, I wouldn’t have let that abuse occur. I’d have asserted myself, defended myself, drawn the line.”
But it’s not personal weakness that explains the failure to protect your boundaries; it’s more often a lack of clarity, in knowing precisely what your boundaries are, and precisely what constitutes an unacceptable violation of them. Victims of sustained exploitation/abuse aren’t personally weak, quite the contrary. My experience has affirmed again and again how remarkably strong and resourceful most of them are. What they lack, however, often is a clear, secure sense of their boundaries; this insecurity of boundaries leaves them vulnerable to compromising themselves. After all, you can’t assert and/or protect your boundaries unless and until you’ve established them very clearly and securely (in your mind).
This explains what for many can seem so confusing and dichotomous: how a victim of sustained exploitation/abuse can, on the one hand, lobby so effectively for others’ interests, while, with respect to her/his own, appear stuck in circumstances he or she would counsel anyone else to reject and escape.
But I restate: You can’t protect your interests if they aren’t, in the first place, clearly defined. And you can’t defend your boundaries if, on any level, you’re uncertain, or ambivalent about, what they are. This disadvantaged position helps explain how an otherwise strong, resourceful adult can find her/himself tolerating and enduring the meanness and nonsense of a defective partner.
When my clients who have been in exploitative relationships discover confidently their boundaries, they often feel sad, on one hand, not to have done so sooner; but thrilled on the other to find themselves, as if miraculously, just as skilled at protecting their own interests as they’ve always been at protecting others’.
It’s a kind of bittersweet discovery. The bitter part, if grieved properly, is usually short-lived; the sweet aspect is long-lasting.
That’s because you have a bloomin, big heart, OxD.
It’s really tough to confront people that you care deeply for about their harmful behavior to you. It’s a burden, a struggle to seek the least critical, harmless way to state your case. I spent years myself, biting my tongue, supressing my pain whenever a loved one said something derogatory to me. I know I’m a highly sensitive person, but that gives no person the right to say such harmful things. Like I said, it was necessary for my own sense of peace and spiritual growth to do what I had to do. As you are doing now. 🙂
And, Bev, hon, you’re a whole lot more cerebral than I am….haha. I guess I can say, that maybe you should focus on the wonderful woman that are now, regardless of who and what your parents are/were. That you were able to become a caring, loving, considerate, capable, reliable woman with a huge heart, even though you were sired by dysfunctional parents. I think that’s the real, valid importance. imo….
Free, Bev and Jane,
When I was 15 I first became aware that somehow I was “different” from my parents–both my mom and my bio-father-P, and also from my wonderful step father. Somehow I didn’t feel like I fit in–Of course some of this is probably adolescent idenity crisis stuff–but still I always have said that my mother and I were like a chicken that raised a duckling and went into spasams when it went into the water. I always wanted to reach out and do things, go places, explore new things and my mom was the “status quo” is what we maintain. Of course there was SOME cultural influence about what was “proper” for a girl to do vs. what was “proper” and okay for a boy to do. My family wasn’t quite as rigid in this as many in my area were…there were still women waiting to eat until after the men and older boys had eaten when I was growing up.
But when I got the opportunity to go to work for my P-bio dad and do photography in Africa I jumped at the chance. I wanted the adventure, the novelty, the independence (as I saw it anyway) etc.
I have, like Free said though, realized that “family” is not who gave you birth, “family” is WHO YOU LOVE. I was brought up to believe that “blood is everything” and I realize that LOVE and respect is everything, not biology or blood. It was tough breaking away from that early teaching about “family” and “tradition” and the entire thing. I am proud of the accomplishments of some of my forebearers, but some of them were also Psychopaths who were extremely violent people and abused their “families”—my adopted son D is as prescious to me as my biological son C, and they are BROTHERS because they love and respect each other. My son C calls the P-son, “my X-brother”—he won’t mention his name. My entire “family” now consists of my two sons and myself and one of my 3 first cousins that I am close to. My half sibs from my father are not my “family”–I haven’t had interaction with them since they were young children. My father’s first cousins, the surviving ones in their 80s are also my family because we love each other as well as are related by blood. Not enough to “get a crowd together” for celebrations, but we are FAMILY, a family who loves each other and respects each other. I’m content with that now.
Dear Free, I read ‘Women who run…with the wolves’ when it first came out – during my ‘Greenham Common/feminist days’. I thank you for bringing it to my mind again, because it triggered the interest I have in childrens’ stories and archetypes. There were only 3 of us in the family, me, mother and brother, (as my Mother was foreign and so I didnt have access to her side), so to deny them would, at that time, have been to deny the only family I had. The dilemma then and now is the same – when I hadnt had an offer to date, I took the only offer there was – which turned out to be toxic. (((Hugs and Love to you Free)))
Hi Dear Free. When there are 3, it creates the perfect Drama Triangle doesnt it. I have learnt much about the dynamics of pecking orders, numbers and positions. I have a good friend who is the last child of 7 siblings, mother and father have a long marriage, but her self esteem is poor, because her mother (they are Irish) ran out of steam when they had her and she feels like the discounted one.
Like you Free there is now only me and my daughter (who moved out recently) and my brother wrote to me last year wanting reconciliation. I do not like family feuds, so I agreed, but I am still faced by the comparisons that my mother made (she is dead now) that he has done so well for himself and is abundant – this is what my mother set up in my head, that I was lesser than him and if siblings and fathers symbolically provide a link to the outside world, then this feeling will be transferred to other people.
Free, Funny you should quote that book, because i was on the MSN website the other night and saw it and thought, yes I must buy that – thank you dear Free for thinking of me.
People have said that to me and HE said it to me, but I dont feel that power (I know I have it) because I am a down to earth straight person, I am not into manipulation and there are people who seem so much cleverer and more cunning. There is a woman at work who is like it and she and I have been at loggerheads because I am now sensitive to being ‘had’ and she does it so NICELY!!
That is very true Free, guess what, I work in a hospital too (for a charity) and it is amazing how people who are supposed to be in caring situations can be so malicious!!!. It must be projection.
Psychopaths in various roles, from loves, husbands, parents, and bosses use whatever “weakness” (as they perceive it) that allows them to CONTROL us. Sometimes those situations we find ourselves in with them, even though maybe we don’t want to “stay” we feel TRAPPED and unable to leave.
Usually, the psychopath is pretty aware of what thing in yourself or your environment that will act like a “chain” to bind you to him/her is.
Many times psychopathic bosses will use your financial or career situation to bind you to the job. Children are also used to bind you to the situation. My paternal grandfather, whose wife was a psychopath (though he didn’t call it by that name) told my mother “I stayed with her for the sake of the children” but later recognized that doing so was the “wrong move” in the end.
I think psychopaths are adept at spotting our vulnerable points to use them as “chains”—whether it is low self esteem, financial, or situational. They play on that to use it against us.
As I have described before when I was training oxen (cattle trained to work) to pull a wagon, the basic knowledge of how cattle in general behave, and how those behave, I can convince the cattle that I am “god” and that they do not have the ability to rebel against my absolute control. When they are grown and weigh 2,000 pound, they could kill me with a flick of their horns or a kick, but they DON’T KNOW THAT THEY CAN, the thoiught never occurs to them that I am not “god” and much more powerful than they could ever be, when in fact, I am compared to them as a fly to an elephant!
We ARE powerful, just like the cattle/oxen, but we have been, like they are, blinded to our own power, and that becomes our “weakness”. Another thing that is sort of interesting is that IF THE CATTLE/OXEN EVER BECOME AWARE OF THEIR POWER, they are uncontrolable from then on.
We have BECOME AWARE, we have seen that the “chains” that bound us to the psychopath are but string. Like the oxen, we cannot ever again be held with this kind of chain again. We will never again be bound and will fight until we can break free.
I took a job once where the “boss” was either a P or a BPD I’m not sure, and I was WARNED about her, but because she “courted” me so much, and paid me so much, I didn’t listen to the warning. The abuse started slowly, and the courting stopped, and then one day she “out of the blue” bit my head completely off—without any warning. I sat in her office STUNNED. Apparently she had done this to everyone in the office to establish her POWER and POSITION as TOTALLY IN CONTROL.
After this encounter, I went home that night, and wrote up my letter of resignation and put in her “mail box” the next morning, without saying another word to her. After she picked it up she came into my office and said (very nicely) “We need to talk”—I replied something along the line of “you did all the talking yesterday that I need to hear” (I can’t remember the exact words any more.)
Fortunately I was in a position that I COULD quit, which I think surprised her since I was receiving probably 50% more salary than I could have received in a comparable job anywhere in the area. But, she didn’t realize that money was NOT a motivator for me. If I had been a young single mother with kids to raise it would have been a powerful motivator to stay no matter how she treated me.
After the fact, I discussed her outburst with a couple of other employees who had endured the same disrespect, along with salary cuts later. So there was a pattern in her “management style.” Very much like a psychopath wooing a victim, building them up, and then starting the abuse slowly, tightening the chains until she feels secure in utter control.
Fortunately for me, her chains of financial incentive weren’t strong enough to hold me and once I tested those chains vs the abuse I was suffering at her hands, I broke them and never went back. Like the patient oxen, once I saw her chains couldn’t hold me, and the abuse was painful, I broke free–which was something she hadn’t expected. I never knew what she wanted to “talk” about, I don’t care. After that, I worked out my notice period and never spoke to her again. My guess is though, that she was trying to sooth me while she put on a bigger chain around my leg. LOL
A while after that, her daughter, that I had worked with in the previous place and was friends with, said to me “Well,I hear you got to know my mother better.” LOL
I found this article to be very enlightening. I have been working with a therapist over the past nine months trying to find an answer as to why I allowed a nasty Narcissist to cause me so much emotional pain. This article was the “light bulb” moment for me. Although I believe my therapist was working toward me coming to the realization that I had not established cleared boundaries for myself, it took this article for the switch to be turned on.
I have always been a giver, asking very little if anything of others. I have always made my own way in life and have accomplished much through my strengths and abilities to overcome many life challenges. For the most part, I am the first to help those in need and am willing to go the extra mile when necessary with a smile on my face.
The N picked up on this right away and asked me in an email (unfortunately I worked with the bugger for a period of time) if I was “always nice”. I answered yes. He took full advantage of my kindness by running me ragged with all the menial tasks of living that he found beneathe him. I willing did these errands because I thought he would appreciate the help and because I cared.
It didn’t take long before I realized that the N would never appreciate anything I did for him because once the favor, errand etc. had been done and he had mentally processed the act, it was permanently erased from his memory. I was then required to start over as if I had never done anything for him.
I depleted all of my energy servicing him. I lost weight, hair, appetite and the zest for life through answering his every whim and need. It was never enough until I decided it was enough. I finally set a boundary and drew a line in the sand. I did this without telling the N. He of course step over the line and that was the end of the relationship. He had no idea it was coming because he never saw his self-serving actions as having any negative affect on me. He couldn’t have care less what was happening to me. He would notice if I was tired and would comment that I should get more rest and in the same breath order me to do something else for him so I could not rest.
Since the break-up I like all of you have suffered devasting anguish and emotional turmoil trying to figure out what happened to that Prince Charming. He was never really there to begin with. The N in my life (I refuse to call him my N) was handsome, charming, witty, sexy, alluring, conversational, interested, attentive, etc. but for a very brief time only. This behavior lasted only long enough to sink the hook in the fish and start reeling her in. I swam in dangerous waters not heeding the buoys’ warning of danger, not honoring my personal boundaries because none had been established. I am lucky to have survived the N’s net of control, degradation, humiliation, manipulation and exploitation. We are all lucky to have survived these horrible, uncaring, sub-human individuals.
Our hearts will heal but it will take time and effort on our part to mend what has been broken. Establishing boundaries and speaking up for ourselves is the first step. No one has the right to make us feel badly about ourselves…NO ONE.
I see people now in a much different light. I am not willing to always help out in every situation. I am not willing to sacrifice my time and energy for those who do not deserve it or those who are capable of doing for themselves.
Having clarity does not make you a selfish or mean person. It allows you to see clearly what is best for you, what behaviors honor or dishonor you. Clarity and well established boundaries give you the strength to stand tall and honor your inner voice when it tells you “this is not right” “this makes me feel uncomfortable”. The strength that we all possess to bolster others must now be turned inward to protect us from those who would do us harm.
this is an eecellent article and very astute. i never thought i was weak but i learned it through them. it was ingrained into me. they would always call me weak. three people have called me that. the S, the N, and the N’s stupid N friend.
after hearing it so many times you start to believe it. i began to believe it with the S. he pushed me down and kicked and held my head down and called me weak. this was supposedly because he had successfully quit smoking and i had not achieved that. i had quit but restarted because he had. i want to add that while he quit he felt free to abuse me to left off team and even declared he was doing this. but in reality i believe it was all in order to hold my head down at an angle and call me weak. holding my head down especially… he was forcing me down under as if he was the stronger one. he didn’t pay for his own place, have his own car, his boss paid him minimally and he fantasized of being in control and in power.
and that’s when i started to think i was weak.
and i agree what i really needed was boundaries. i was told i am open-minded. i realized i was too open-minded and lacked boundaries. if i had been more discriminating and more boundary oriented none of those people could of come into my life.