Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
You really need to admire yourself for surviving an exploitative relationship. I say this very seriously, not flippantly. We all, of course, hope to minimize our involvement with exploitative individuals. But in the course of life, as we know, that’s not always possible. It is vital, therefore, if you’ve been victimized by and/or are recovering from involvement with an exploiter, to fully, genuinely appreciate (and remind yourself constantly) that you are indeed strong, impressively strong, because only the strong survive exploitation.
Many clients with whom I work (really, most people, I think) tend to see personal strength and insecurity; personal strength and low self-esteem, as incompatible. They balk at the idea that you can be a very strong person and insecure at the same time; that you can be a very strong person even with low self-esteem. For instance, when someone violates you (especially chronically) and you don’t defend yourself properly, the tendency is to attribute your failure at self-protection to “personal weakness.” The thought is something like, “If I was a strong person, I wouldn’t have let that abuse occur. I’d have asserted myself, defended myself, drawn the line.”
But it’s not personal weakness that explains the failure to protect your boundaries; it’s more often a lack of clarity, in knowing precisely what your boundaries are, and precisely what constitutes an unacceptable violation of them. Victims of sustained exploitation/abuse aren’t personally weak, quite the contrary. My experience has affirmed again and again how remarkably strong and resourceful most of them are. What they lack, however, often is a clear, secure sense of their boundaries; this insecurity of boundaries leaves them vulnerable to compromising themselves. After all, you can’t assert and/or protect your boundaries unless and until you’ve established them very clearly and securely (in your mind).
This explains what for many can seem so confusing and dichotomous: how a victim of sustained exploitation/abuse can, on the one hand, lobby so effectively for others’ interests, while, with respect to her/his own, appear stuck in circumstances he or she would counsel anyone else to reject and escape.
But I restate: You can’t protect your interests if they aren’t, in the first place, clearly defined. And you can’t defend your boundaries if, on any level, you’re uncertain, or ambivalent about, what they are. This disadvantaged position helps explain how an otherwise strong, resourceful adult can find her/himself tolerating and enduring the meanness and nonsense of a defective partner.
When my clients who have been in exploitative relationships discover confidently their boundaries, they often feel sad, on one hand, not to have done so sooner; but thrilled on the other to find themselves, as if miraculously, just as skilled at protecting their own interests as they’ve always been at protecting others’.
It’s a kind of bittersweet discovery. The bitter part, if grieved properly, is usually short-lived; the sweet aspect is long-lasting.
What an excellent article this is. BOUNDARIES – THE FIRST LINE OF DEFENCE. I realised that my disposition towards being quite ‘flexible’ in the domain of male female relationships – I have left myself open to much more hurt than I need have. Also looking back and knowing that I have RED LINES, but not having the outer walls of defence (boundaries) and thinking about that, I never really gave a thought to what my boundaries were. I have a much clearer sense of my boundaries now and that will give me much more power in things.
Many people here are caring individuals, flexible, patient, tolerant and whilst in particular work situations, these qualities are very important, in love relationships with a predator – these qualities can be turned against us.
I learned some years ago to discard friendships that served me no good, so why do we put up with more bad behaviour in love and family relationships? Is it because we invest in love on so many more levels and are we blinded to reality by fake promises, fake behaviour? Do we feel that because love doesnt come knocking very often, that we may miss an opportunity.
For me, the main elements of healing are:-
Learning about predators and how they operate. Know thine enemy.
Learn how I operate in relationships – what are the patterns in my relationships and how did I contribute.
Have a clearer understanding of what I would not be prepared to tolerate.
Be prepared to walk away, do without the relationship to protect myself – my physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. Yes, face being alone if needs be.
Not to invest too heavily in a relationship, i.e DONT let them move in, or move in with them, or give them money or access to any other forms of our assets.
Find out as much as you can in advance and being aware that some of your research may not be as hardy as you think. So in my case if my ex has a security licence for his work, does not mean that he has not committed misdemeaours in one form or another. Not relying on the testimony of their friends who may not really know who they really are.
Oh, and not only to listen to my intuition, but to be prepared to act on it. Act without evidence if needs be. I felt like my ex was cheating, but was trying to catch him – didnt want to be seen as being unreasonable, unfair, insecure. The very thing that got me out, was the realisation that I didnt need any proof, that is crazy making was making me feel uncomfortable and that was my GREEN LIGHT to go. In a sense that was a boundary teaming up with intuition. I looked ahead a saw what my life with this man would be like – another GREEN LIGHT to jump ship for my survival.
Turned out he was cheating. My intituition was serving me right all along. Intuition is a powerful form of radar.
By being too flexible, tolerant – I was giving him lots of rope and he was hanging ME with it.
And focusing in on their actions -V- their words, promises, but not being TOO attached to what they say or do. because as many of us found out, this can be part of the FOG of illusion and once you are lost in the FOG, it can tak time to get your sense of self direction. Not taking in too deeply and relying on what they say in order to invest. Allowing the relationship to develop at a slower steady pace. Taking an ‘outsiders’ view of how they are treating you and how they are operating in the relationship and the overall vibe.
Dear Bev,
GOOD POINTS, ALL! It pretty well sums up all of the “mistakes” I made with every one of my Ps. Being “too tolerant,” too understanding, too nice, too forgiving (with a twisted concept of what forgiveness meant), etc.
I am the only validation I should need. If I feel abused. I am abused. If I am abused by someone, I will RUN!
Ah yes, the mobile phone. My ex had his mobile with him 24/7. He even slept with it by his side. It was his lifeline to all his OW I am sure, though of course he denied that he had any OW, and I was crazy enough to believe him. It wasn’t just a mobile either, he had photos of all sorts of people on it (mostly women), he had the internet, and also a sat nav built into it. It did everything except make him breakfast! lol
Bev, sometimes I think these guys have all been created out of the same mould. Your ex sounds so much like mine. His name didn’t begin with a ‘M’ by any chance did it?
Dear Marie,
Once you figure out the pattern in their behavior (and there are some individual variations, but overall there is a pattern) then you can SEE clearly that the pattern is about deict and control, using lies, half truths, projection, twisting, blame placing, tapping into our guilt, and them “living the lie.”
We’ll never be able to”fix” them of course, but learning the PATTERN gives us ARMOR to protect us from the next one down the pike. Until we “get it” and learn the patterns, we will always be vulnerable to the next one. With our knowledge “forewarned is forearmed” we won’t get trapped by another one, and if the “old” one comes back into our space to try to re-victimize us we will have the strength and fortitude to “fight” them off—with THE GREATEST WEAPON, NO CONTACT. No belief, in anything they say or do.
Dear OxDrover, yes that is exactly how he operated, you are spot on. I wish I had known all about N’s/P’s before I met him, they are so transparent when you know what to look for aren’t they. I had the misfortune to come across another one since then, but spotted the signs pretty quickly and got rid of him.
Yes forearmed is forewarned for sure. 🙂
Dear Marie, No my ex’s name didnt begin with M, but he also slept with his mobile by his side, saying he needed it for the alarm. I couldnt get into his phone, he had it PIN protected and he used to leave his wallet in my car, saying he fogot it. I know that he had his old phone number lodged on his phone, presumably to give out, although he had at least 12 phones, Im sure he was using more than one phone live.
Yes Oxy, but they are sooooo good at giving excuses arent they? But yes, whatever the reason, whatever the excuse, if it makes you feel bad – it probably is.