Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
You really need to admire yourself for surviving an exploitative relationship. I say this very seriously, not flippantly. We all, of course, hope to minimize our involvement with exploitative individuals. But in the course of life, as we know, that’s not always possible. It is vital, therefore, if you’ve been victimized by and/or are recovering from involvement with an exploiter, to fully, genuinely appreciate (and remind yourself constantly) that you are indeed strong, impressively strong, because only the strong survive exploitation.
Many clients with whom I work (really, most people, I think) tend to see personal strength and insecurity; personal strength and low self-esteem, as incompatible. They balk at the idea that you can be a very strong person and insecure at the same time; that you can be a very strong person even with low self-esteem. For instance, when someone violates you (especially chronically) and you don’t defend yourself properly, the tendency is to attribute your failure at self-protection to “personal weakness.” The thought is something like, “If I was a strong person, I wouldn’t have let that abuse occur. I’d have asserted myself, defended myself, drawn the line.”
But it’s not personal weakness that explains the failure to protect your boundaries; it’s more often a lack of clarity, in knowing precisely what your boundaries are, and precisely what constitutes an unacceptable violation of them. Victims of sustained exploitation/abuse aren’t personally weak, quite the contrary. My experience has affirmed again and again how remarkably strong and resourceful most of them are. What they lack, however, often is a clear, secure sense of their boundaries; this insecurity of boundaries leaves them vulnerable to compromising themselves. After all, you can’t assert and/or protect your boundaries unless and until you’ve established them very clearly and securely (in your mind).
This explains what for many can seem so confusing and dichotomous: how a victim of sustained exploitation/abuse can, on the one hand, lobby so effectively for others’ interests, while, with respect to her/his own, appear stuck in circumstances he or she would counsel anyone else to reject and escape.
But I restate: You can’t protect your interests if they aren’t, in the first place, clearly defined. And you can’t defend your boundaries if, on any level, you’re uncertain, or ambivalent about, what they are. This disadvantaged position helps explain how an otherwise strong, resourceful adult can find her/himself tolerating and enduring the meanness and nonsense of a defective partner.
When my clients who have been in exploitative relationships discover confidently their boundaries, they often feel sad, on one hand, not to have done so sooner; but thrilled on the other to find themselves, as if miraculously, just as skilled at protecting their own interests as they’ve always been at protecting others’.
It’s a kind of bittersweet discovery. The bitter part, if grieved properly, is usually short-lived; the sweet aspect is long-lasting.
Oh, those haunting memories…yes, I had to face them myself in uncovering the truth of my psychopatic father.
I haven’t discussed this yet on here becaue I guess I was still working on the sad situation in my own mind, trying to figure out the consequences of being sired by such an evil man.
I have 2 sisters; one younger, one older. I am the middle girl and being the middle child had/has its curse and blessing. Both my sisters wanted to grow up way too fast when they were younger. They became intersted in boys at entirely too young of age. I was a nerdy, shy child who just wanted to be left alone in my bedroom sanctuary with my beloved books and music. So, a particular pattern for me was born by being introverted. I am now completely comfortable, embracing of my solitude as it gives me time to contemplate, be introspective, calm and serene.
Ok, here’s the tragic situation. My older sister was diagnosed with a Borderline Personality Disorder about a year ago. She told me this news while chatting on the phone. I wasn’t surprised a bit as her life long selfish, self centered, over melodramatic behavior/actions was proof in the pudding, ya know?
But I listened to her discuss this sad, sad revelation to me, and as I truly love my sister and have forgiven her for the emotional pain she has given me over countless years because even though she has BPD she is still quite capable of loving people and she does have a conscience. Her selfish needs and desires have many times interfered with her conscience and she has wrought so much pain on her husbands (yeah, she’s been married 3 times) and her two daughters.
I can only hope that she is working on deprogramming a hard wired disorder, either learned or inherited from my p father, by continuing with an awesome counselor and striving to see that her behavior is hurtful on others. That by looking deep within herself, she will be enlightened by what she discovers.
I pray for her every day, asking our Holy Father to give her the strength to recover and perhaps try to undo much of the harm she has caused.
My little sister is a completely different story. She is sweet, thoughtful, kind but she has been a pathological liar her whole entire life. I’ve realized the reason why she lies is because, bless her heart, she doesn’t really like herself. She is so totally insecure that she thinks by fabricating these ridiculous stories that she will recieve the badly needed attention and love she so desires. But I have called her out on her lies, because she is no longer a little girl but a grown adult woman with a young boy child. My family would simply ignore her fantastical lies as if they weren’t even said. What the hell kind of attitude is that?
Anyway, she called me the other day (I haven’t heard from her in months, btw) to tell me her “good news”; she was getting married. To a 28 year old, unemployed, disabled construction worker. She lives in a fantasy world, fairy tale land where every guy she initially dates is a prince on a white steed and he will protect and love her forever. They all turn out to be selfish losers.
Now, I am aware that I’ve had less than savory relationships with predators, but I have loved and been loved by 3 wonderful men in my life. They are my constant reminders that good, decent men exist and I keep their spirits close to my heart, especially my best friend. He confessed to me the other day that he is still in love with me but realizes that I live 2000 miles away from Texas and I ain’t going back. Ever.
Well, my life my destiny is in the Lord’s hands now. He will do what He will do.
Dear Oxy, Thank you so much for your words of comfort. It is so hard to relay to people exactly how it felt. No-one I know was put into care, so they dont know – how could they? I know that my mother put me into care when she was in her frst stages of having a baby and my Narcissist father leaving her and her developing a nervous breakdown and schizophrenia. At the time, and I remember it, I wanted a life other than what I had been given – life seemed such a disappointment for me – but then I realise that I am not really alone, there are so many others like me. In the 1950s things were very different and the understanding around bringing up children was very different
Dear JaneS – Thank you for sharing those parts of your life and I read your post with interest. Everyone has their own path (you know that), even within the same family, lives can be so different – that made me realise that whilst the ‘check-in’ (family) is the same, the path is different. Yes, all we can do is to surrender to the Lord – like Southernman I have learnt that too.
Dear Beverly,
The ADULT BEV can see the reasons for what your mother did, and forgive her, she was obviously under a tremendous strain and grasping for survival herself.
The LITTLE GIRL BEV though, still feels the pain that mommie’s abandonment brought on her. It is that “little girl” that needs to be healed and that’s done on an EMOTIONAL level. But ADULT BEV can comfort that child and reassure her and help her come to acceptence of the past, to stop her sadness and come to peace.
This reunion may be a godsend to help you deal wiith it all, Bev. I guess every adult in the world has some “trauma” that happened to their “inner child” yours just happens to be pretty tramautic more so than the most of us, but every one of us needs to be “kind” to that inner child and dry their tears and embrace them.
YOu are always in my prayers and thoughts, (((BEV))))
Dear JaneS, when I was at my mother’s funeral, I felt God’s love – it was like a loving rosy glow that filled the whole church. I had been up all night fearful of how things were going to be, when I went into the church I was at peace and supported – that’s why I know it is real.
Yes, OxyD. I think I realise that, and I am up for the challenge, however difficult. We forget we are ‘formed’ out of the inner child, it forms our core. I accept whatever appears in my life as a learning experience and I am much more accepting than I used to be. thank you Oxy for your thoughts and prayers, I was talking about you to a good old friend of mine a couple of days ago and when I mentioned you – she beamed. Love and Light Oxy
awww….that was so wonderful what you wrote for Bevvy, Oxy.
“But ADULT BEV can comfort that child and reassure her and help her come to acceptence of the past, to stop her sadness and come to peace.”
Yes! Yes! I’ve been comforting my own little girl for many years. She who may have not received the comfort, love, support, attention that she so badly needed as a child. But ya know, Oxy? I started chatting with the Lord at about 5 years of age. Just talking to him telling him about my life. I didn’t even have a Holy Bible at that time and my p father was a nihilist (as all Ps are) and my Mom was too busy working, trying to take care of her family that she never discussed spiritual, religious issues with us.
How did I know to speak with the Lord at such a tender age? Do you think the Holy Spirity was reaching out to me?
JaneS & Oxy, This exploration of our inner child and the spiritual beings that we are, is so fundamentally important to the experience we have had with those of PDisorders. Yes, Jane, I sure do think you were open to receiving and communicating – that is all that is required the openness to receive – simple isnt it?
Yes, Bevvy, so simple and so joyous! 🙂
Ok, I’ve had waaay too many cups of coffee in the last 3 hours and I think I’m beyond wired…haha. I’m practically vibrating!
I’m gonna jump on my bike as the weather is spectacular and try to work off some of this simulated, caffeine induced energy…haha. And get a bite to eat.
Ta for now, be back later!
**Huggles and cheek smoochies**
Take Care JaneS and enjoy your bike ride. Speak soon. Love and hugs.