Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
You really need to admire yourself for surviving an exploitative relationship. I say this very seriously, not flippantly. We all, of course, hope to minimize our involvement with exploitative individuals. But in the course of life, as we know, that’s not always possible. It is vital, therefore, if you’ve been victimized by and/or are recovering from involvement with an exploiter, to fully, genuinely appreciate (and remind yourself constantly) that you are indeed strong, impressively strong, because only the strong survive exploitation.
Many clients with whom I work (really, most people, I think) tend to see personal strength and insecurity; personal strength and low self-esteem, as incompatible. They balk at the idea that you can be a very strong person and insecure at the same time; that you can be a very strong person even with low self-esteem. For instance, when someone violates you (especially chronically) and you don’t defend yourself properly, the tendency is to attribute your failure at self-protection to “personal weakness.” The thought is something like, “If I was a strong person, I wouldn’t have let that abuse occur. I’d have asserted myself, defended myself, drawn the line.”
But it’s not personal weakness that explains the failure to protect your boundaries; it’s more often a lack of clarity, in knowing precisely what your boundaries are, and precisely what constitutes an unacceptable violation of them. Victims of sustained exploitation/abuse aren’t personally weak, quite the contrary. My experience has affirmed again and again how remarkably strong and resourceful most of them are. What they lack, however, often is a clear, secure sense of their boundaries; this insecurity of boundaries leaves them vulnerable to compromising themselves. After all, you can’t assert and/or protect your boundaries unless and until you’ve established them very clearly and securely (in your mind).
This explains what for many can seem so confusing and dichotomous: how a victim of sustained exploitation/abuse can, on the one hand, lobby so effectively for others’ interests, while, with respect to her/his own, appear stuck in circumstances he or she would counsel anyone else to reject and escape.
But I restate: You can’t protect your interests if they aren’t, in the first place, clearly defined. And you can’t defend your boundaries if, on any level, you’re uncertain, or ambivalent about, what they are. This disadvantaged position helps explain how an otherwise strong, resourceful adult can find her/himself tolerating and enduring the meanness and nonsense of a defective partner.
When my clients who have been in exploitative relationships discover confidently their boundaries, they often feel sad, on one hand, not to have done so sooner; but thrilled on the other to find themselves, as if miraculously, just as skilled at protecting their own interests as they’ve always been at protecting others’.
It’s a kind of bittersweet discovery. The bitter part, if grieved properly, is usually short-lived; the sweet aspect is long-lasting.
I read somethingthe other day that sort of hit me, I was reading obits in the paper as I waited in the doctor’s office, and one obit said about a woman “She was not a human on a spiritual journey, she was a spiritual being on a human journey” I think that is so well put, I think we are ALL spiritual beings on a human journey, and I hadn’t ever thought of it just that way before.
The P-experience strips away the veneer that we have that covers up all our old traumas, all our old fears, all our old issues and we are left “naked” emotionally. What sort of person we THEN become depends on how we take care of that “inner child” and how we help “her/him” to mature.
As we stand naked before the mirror of our lives we can take a realistic look at that being in the mirror and be kind and gentle to him/her, or we can be unhappy with what we see, discount and despise the image. If this P-experience hadn’t stripped me naked and made me take a critical and realistic look at myself, I couldn’t have made the changes I have already. I would still be in a fetal position on the floor sucking my thumb and crying. I may not be “all the way” there yet, but I am walking upright most of the time, and that’s a vast improvement over where I was.
BTW Janie, it is 100 degrees in the shade here and wil be for the next two weeks, no rain in sight and gosh knows what the heat index is—even the birds are walking it is so hot! Enjoy your wonderful spectacular weather and don’t give a thought to your friends here in the states (me and Henry) swealtering in the heat! LOL
oxy that was a good post thanks
Oxy, what a great post. Our P experiences do seem to strip away that veneer that has covered up old traumas as you said. When we are naked and at our most vulnerable is when I agree we have the chance to truly look at ourselves and our lives.
I recall after my initial horror of first seeing the mask of the S crack to reveal Mr. Hyde I took a trip. The emotions I experienced in that moment when I saw Mr. Hyde were too familiar and some old, dark feelings crept back. Feelings I hadn’t experienced in 17 year. I left immediately after that experience and drove all night to where I grew up. I hadn’t been there in years.
The next morning I went to this beautiful old Catholic cemetery where they have a display of the stages of the cross. I used to go there when I was a teenager to get some solitude and peace from my N father and difficult home life. I knelt down in front the lifesize crucifix and I prayed that I would see whatever God wanted to reveal to me as he brought me home for a reason.
I went to all the various places that represented pain and fear and abuse from my past. The glorious thing is that they no longer evoked those feelings. I felt peace. I cried a lot during that trip as I realized how far my life had brought me from that nightmare of a time. I was not the same person I was back then. I was free.
I shared this with the S, who I hadn’t figured out was an S yet, and he was angry and cold and sarcastic with me. He seemed to be ticked off that I was happy. What I realize now is that God was telling me who I am. I was drawn to the place of the original abuse and trauma to show me what I had overcome. To show me that I was NOT to take the blame of the S who was hurling accusations towards me. Perhaps even to reveal to me that those feelings I had in seeing Mr. Hyde were not from my past but were in the present. To warn me. Unfortunately, as many of us have done, I went back into the web. But the lesson did not go ignored. I questioned, disagreed and stood up to the S. The abuse magnified and I did get hurt. But I believe that the abuse could have gone on for years had I not returned home.
I feel in some ways that being stripped of everything I knew about myself months later was a blessing. It hurt more than anything, as we know, but I have learned a lot. I have seen the pattern in my life regarding the men I’ve dated. Regarding some of the friends I’ve chosen. Regarding a continual habit of taking on guilt and blame way too easily. An ugly habit of questioning myself too much and allowing other people’s opinions to hit me at the core.
I am a therapist. I have a desire to see others grow and overcome obstacles in their lives. I want to see people freed from the things that keep them in pain. I am a cheerleader for the human spirit, a loyal friend, an optimist who believes that if you can dream it, you can achieve it. But I have never been able to turn that inward and to nurture myself.
I am trying. Oxy, your post reminded me to stay the course. I don’t ever want to be that person who is exploited for their goodness again. I am not perfect. But my imperfections do not imprison me. I used to say I am perfectly imperfect. After the S I felt total shame in even existing. Now I embrace who I am again. I remind myself daily to listen to what my gut tells me and to be true to myself. I am redefining myself and my meaning. It is a process and I am along for the journey.
That’s what I see happen here daily on LF. All of us figuring things out and coming to truly understand what’s happened to us. In defining and clearly seeing what we’ve all been through we can begin to see ourselves again. To trust ourselves again, to love ourselves again in ways we may not have known how to do before. I feel blessed to be here amongst such strong men and women. Many of you are my silent mentors who give me strength to keep pressing on. We have survived one of the most horrifying experiences. But we are victors who have the opportunity to take that experience and push back against the evils of this world with our love and our light. To grow stronger.
An image comes to mind of every “good guy” film character that has been beaten down to the point where we’re on the edge of our seat screaming, “Get up! Get up! Don’t let the bad guy win!” That’s how I see us. That’s how I see myself. I believe that S/N/Ps want to hurt us and want to see us destroyed. But I am standing up with more wisdom and strength than before. I desire to have a light that will not entince another S/N/P into my world but one that will blind them!
Thanks again Oxy for your post.
This is my first posting. Hi everyone, it’s so nice to meet all of you!
I discovered this site a couple weeks ago and I’m so glad I found it. It’s comforting to read all of your posts and know that I’m not alone with respect to past relationship experiences with this type of individual.
I was married to a man that was not clinically diagnosed as S, P, N or BPD, but I can tell you after eight years of marriage, he was at least one of the above or more likely some of the above.
I’ve been divorced from him now for seven years. I was an emotional wreck after that marriage ended. I moved 1200 miles away six years ago after the divorce to start over, where I still live today. After that horrific experience, setting my boundaries has been a priority. Which brings me to the most recent romantic relationship that I ended six weeks ago after he clearly overstepped his boundries.
I met him on match.com in Feb 2007. He is from the city I currently live in and visits here often, but he lives in another state, or at least he did for a while. I’m not sure if he’s there or here at the present time. Anyway, given the long distance, it was difficult to clearly see the red flags, especially the first six months or so of the “honeymoon” phase. He spent a lot of money on me, wining, dining, gifts and trying to convince me he was a well-invested business man who had made his fortune in the real estate industry. He asked me to marry him over and over. As the relationship progressed, even at a distance, I noticed a lot of stories that didn’t add up, actions that didn’t match the words, a flaring temper, impusivness, lack of responsibility and many lies about his past business practices. I learned after a good bit of research that he has a criminal background and has screwed a lot of people out of a lot of money. This man is a professional con artist and I believe I was targeted on match.com. I am so grateful that I didn’t marry him as he kept insisting, or move in with him 1000 miles away. I would have become totally isolated and I’m sure in financial ruin! I beleive he is an S or P or both. He is not stable, he is very evil and I’m afraid of him.
He’s sent numerous emails and left many voice mails since the breakup. But I’m following the “no contact rule.” The last email was four days ago. I hope I don’t receive any more emails and I hope all of you will accept me into your group. I could use your support and I know I can be supportive to all of you as well.
Thank God I have learned to set boundaries. Even though I think they could be stronger, I’m thrilled that they finally exist! I must keep working on this.
Pal
Dear PalTX,
Welcome to Donna’s LoveFRaud community! This is really a healing place and so many good and wise people here. It sounds like you alrady have the idea of what you are dealing with and that is great! Good for you that you didn’t get hooked into marriage! Isn’t intuition wonderful!
Read and read and read and post and post and post, you are most welcome here!
Thank you so much OxDrover. I have experienced a lot and I have read and read. Now, with your invitation, it’s time I post and post. Nice to meet you.
Pal
Afterthought: One last comment. Intuition is my best friend!
Dear Pal,
If we let it, intuition would be everyone’s best friend, unfortunately, like many people in the past, I told it to SHUT UP! LOL Now, I am giving it a “red phone, DIRECT LINE” to contact me 24/7 and I am LISTENING.
Welcome Pal! Wow, I’m sorry for what you’re going through but way to go in figuring him out! Long-distance is tough. It was hard for me to see the red flags too as my relationship was long distance as well. But it sounds like your intuition was talking! I’m glad you listened to it.
One thing I did regarding email was to block the S’s address so I wouldn’t receive any more. He did contact me again from another email address so it’s not exactly fool proof.
Hopefully the S/P will stop emailing or calling you and move on. Maybe after awhile he’ll realize you’re not buying into his game. I certainly hope so. But there’s something to be said about being afraid. To me I think it’s healthy to be weary of these people and on guard. They are all predators out for some kind of personal gain.
I pray you find some peace in the midst of all this. I’m sorry that you had already seen the face of the S/N/P from your ex-husband and saw it again in this guy. Yet glad that you figured it out and protected yourself.
JaneSmith, thanks for sharing about your family. What a beautiful story that you started talking to God so young without any outside influence to do so. How amazing. The Holy Spirit was reaching out and as Beverly said you were open and listening. Bless you. What a strong spirit you must have!
There is something to be said about revisiting our past. I grew up with an N father, co-dependent yet nurturing mother and my older sister who is a pathological liar and who I have always described as the child who didn’t want siblings aka very self-centered (high N traits). At an early age I told my family I was adopted. There was no way I could be a blood relative as I was nothing like them. They still joke about it today. But I meant it. I have never thought like them, behaved like them or seen life in any perspective that comes close to theirs. By the grace of God I still don’t.
At a young age I began journaling about what I would do differently as a parent. It wasn’t about being able to stay up late or eat all the sweets I wanted. I wrote about things like never calling my children names, never punishing them for things they didn’t do or expect them to know what I was thinking and then chastising them for not doing what I wanted. Yes, my father actually said to me as a child that I should know what he is thinking at all times. He shouldn’t have to tell me what to do. If he thinks the yard needs to be raked I should know this and get outside and rake it. Somehow early on I knew that the way I was being treated was wrong. I believe that was the Holy Spirit reaching out in my life. I can’t figure out any other explanation than that.
What I want to know is why I developed so differently than my sister. I became the child who eventually internalized the abuse and suffered depression as my father became more controlling and abusive. The older and more independent I got, the worse it became. I blamed myself until a therapist one day asked me why I believed the horrible things my father said about me? That changed my world. Meanwhile, my sister responded completely different.
Is it a matter of choices we made along the way, genetics or what? Narcissism runs deep on my father’s side. I have a lovely cousin who finally figured it all out last year. It has been awesome to have someone else in the family to talk to! Someone else like me who sees it. We’re determined to break the cycle of abuse in our family. But we’re very different than the others. Not surprising that she works in the mental health field as well.
My cousin has decided not to have children as she doesn’t want to pass along the “bad” genes. I don’t have any children but have always wanted a family. But now I am wondering what to do. Do you think we developed differently because of our choices or because we were spared the dysfunctional genes?