By | July 25, 2018 5 Comments

Language habits to help me remember that my ex was abnormal

Spath TalesEditor’s note: Three years ago, Lovefraud posted a story that we received from a reader whom we called, “Maura.” Read it here: “After 30 years with a sociopath, she’s now having the time of her life.”  Maura is now about 70 years old and just sent Lovefraud an update. She included one of her recovery strategies, which she was graciously willing to share with Lovefraud readers.

I wanted you to know that I gave up on “being friends” with the ex, and on trying to rescue the other victim (the main one; I’m sure there were others I did not know about).

There have been many happy experiences in my new, free life. I am in a positive relationship, but I set strong boundaries and I resist any deeper involvement or commitment. I am complete and contented as a single person.

Your website continues to be helpful to me, even several years after the discovery of the ex’s double/multiple lives. The articles and responses continue to validate my experience and to reassure me.

I have found that little language habits help me to put and keep things in the right perspective. I never say “my” ex, but, rather, “the” ex. I never refer to “husband,” because he was not a husband, but an imposter. When asked if I am married, I simply say, “No;” I do not mention being divorced. I never speak his name. If I find myself thinking about “him,” I alter my thought to “that one.” While these may seem like superstitious or ritualistic behaviors, they reinforce for me the abnormality of that relationship, and help me to maintain my mental distance, even as the emotional pain recedes over time.

Thank you so much for all your work to support victims, educate professionals, and warn potential victims about sociopaths. I pray you and your family will continue to be blessed in every way.

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Excellent suggestions.


I found this interesting. I think anything one can do to aid in the healing process is a good thing! After leaving the “ex” six years ago, I stayed single until meeting someone 18 months ago. Unfortunately he shares the same first name as the “ex”. Any suggestions on this one?

fsufan58 – oh my – at least he doesn’t have the same personality. You might want to try releasing the charge of the name through EFT tapping.


you could add his last name initial to first name.


Tell him about the ‘ex’ name and see what his suggestions might be. Don’t do any name changing unless he’s happy with it. One of the first things to me, was that ‘the ex’ hated my first name, used my middle name..that’s part of a person’s identity. Don’t let another change your name unless YOU like it too.

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