LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: He is asking for forgiveness

Editor’s note: The following article was sent by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Jov77.” It is actually a letter that Jov77 received from a former friend, who he now believes is disordered. Jov77 has stopped contact with this person. He’s looking for help in making sense of the letter. (The comments in parentheses are explanations by Jov77.)

The letter below was just given to me  from this friend I have been closely associated with for some years now.  I had numerous challenges in the friendship which left me drained and exhausted so I wrote a letter expressing some thoughts. In the letter I did not ask him for anything in relation to making the friendship better.  This person is disordered in character but there are traits that are sociopathic. He might even be a socio based on what he revealed about himself to me over the years.

He wrote:
To be honest I don’t remember all that was said on the paper to me in writing, but however, a line that I remembered you said that, “God. He is the only one can help me.” (I said to him that only God can help in our situation.)  To cut everything short it is not that I don’t appreciate you as a person or a friend.  It’s just that at times I have to make my own decisions and mistakes. I can’t be always taking advice from you.  How do you think am gonna make the right choice in life for myself. I have made some crucial decisions in life where I have gained knowledge from them and experience also, where they let me become as hard as stone on the outside but on the inside I am a human with feelings and emotions and they are pretty much alive.  (After almost four years now, I am yet to see those feelings and emotions that are alive. He will help people in a big way. If that is referred to as feelings and emotions alive then I can’t question it.)

(This is a 28 yrs old man saying):  I was young and inexperienced even up to last year.  I might speak mature but a part of me was still a child and even though we have not said much to each other for the past couple of months it helped me a lot to become a man to look back at some of my relationships that broke up.  I was struggling in them.  Reason being. Knowing right from wrong and claiming that I am serving God and still chose to do the wrong.  I was fooling myself and been a damn idiot; that was why when we spoke I said that I can no longer be fooling myself and others and play games.  (The right from wrong and fooling self meant that as a church man and leader in the church he was still sexually promiscuous and toying with the head and emotions of females both in and outside of the church. He is in training to be promoted to the highest position at his church.  That might have brought about some consciousness on his part.)

I appreciate you as a person and a friend.  Not because you never hear me say it.  Also, your attributes — you did not throw them like pearls to be trampled upon like a pig; but to say that the affection you show me at times it is way too much and it makes me think different.

You are a good friend and also a good person and for me I appreciate that about you.  But also, I want to say  I’m sorry if I hurt you in any way  that I know about.  I am asking you for your pardon — and that which I know not of, I am asking you also for your forgiveness.  In life we all make mistakes some we do know and just do care about, others we just didn’t see it as hurting someone.  Just to say it is a part of life and we make them but I am simple saying thanks for your open arms in my times of need.  I appreciate it and yes I appreciate you.  And, also thanks for been a good or a wonderful friend or person to me when I was not to you.


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29 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: He is asking for forgiveness"

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Hi there jov77, I’m new here, but I thought I’d share what I gleaned from this letter you received. The very first thing he does is reprimand you for making his life difficult. By saying ‘How do you think am gonna make the right choice in life for myself.”- he is essentially telling you that you are inhibiting his ability to grow. Your unwanted advice is prohibiting his success, it seems. I’m guessing you were telling him something truthful and pointing out a character flaw or something to that effect. He also admonishes you for showing affection. So far, he seems to be putting a lot of blame on you to excuse his flaws. As for the ‘apologies’, they are, again, suggesting that you have created these so-called wrong doings in your mind and he is giving a blanket- ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ type of response. At the end, he may suggest he was not a good friend to you, but he already qualified that decision by pointing out all the un-friendlike things you did to him. And the last thing I’ll add (and then I promise I’m finished) is that I think the disjointed and indecipherable text is quite deliberate. it makes it very difficult for you or anyone to go back and point out anything that he stated definitively. This way, he can always twist his meaning to fit the scenario and say it was not intended a certain way, or more likely, it was misinterpreted by you. I think you will need to keep a safe distance from the tentacles of this one.
Best wishes,

yup yup yup. i’d hit the agree with you button if there was one.
blame. leveling. avoidance of responsibility. and vagueness. so vague that it’s all up to interpretation.

Whoa! None of us know Jov77 or his friend from Adam!! People, please stop reading a pathology in every letter/account you read here just because it landed on this site. None of us were flies on the wall of their relationship to bear witness to it; nor do we know the composition of JOv77’s letter. All we have is a letter to read from Jov 77’s source of pain. The letter, itself, sounds responsive to me but sets some boundaries. That’s all I can get from it without knowing directly more.


You are very much on point. Yes I would normally point out his flaws. I guess he could no longer stand how clearly I was able to see behind the mask. I have never given him bad advice.

Thanks Quinn for your contribution. It was awesome.


I don’t tend to remain in close affiliation much less appreciate a “friend” who “normally points out (his) flaws.” Maybe he just moved on to more enjoyable company, like me.

Anyhow,a rule of thumb in a protest or disagreement is to address eyeball to eyeball, not by letter. You get the satisfaction of knowing whether your complaint was heard (or not) and you are usually restricted from doing a misguided catharsis.


There are so many textbook sociopath like statements in this letter. Red Flags. But the most telling statement was this:

“Knowing right from wrong and claiming that I am serving God and still chose to wrong. I was fooling myself and been a damn idiot; that was why when we spoke I said that I can no longer be fooling myself and others and play games.”

This sounds like a statement he’s heard somewhere or he’s been told. There is no heart wrenching words of how badly he feels for his behavior. Classic sociopath. They are predators that use their position to gain access to victims.

If the man has not been honest with the church and come clean, sincerely apologized to his victim and brought his sin into the light, then he is just projecting onto you what he wants you to believe so that you will be quiet out of guilt from your behavior. Covering his tracks. A sociopath is never warm to those that see them for what they are.

Smart move to stay clear!


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