I write you this letter to explain something to you. You have a serious personality disorder whose very symptoms, paradoxically, may leave you unaware that you have it.
Or”¦you may be “aware” of your disorder in an “intellectual” sense but, consequent to your disorder, you lack appropriate alarm and shame over its expression.
People who do not have your disorder, if they were told they had it (and of its nature), would feel extremely unnerved, shamed, to hear this feedback.
You, on the other hand, neither feel, nor react, with expected levels of uneasiness to learn of your disorder. Your reactions, expressing either calm indifference and striking unperturbedness, or, alternatively, possibly rageful defensiveness, merely add credence to the diagnosis.
You were probably not “born” with this disorder, but it’s also probable that you brought a biological tendency to it, whose eventual emergence your upbringing probably encouraged, or elicited.
It seems likely that histories of abuse, neglect and trauma encourage the development of this disorder in individuals who, like yourself, are prone to it.
It is rare, although not impossible, that this disorder would emerge in its fullblown state from childhoods that are genuinely nurturing, secure, and free of emotional and physical abuse.
Your disorder is called a number of different names that can be confusing, among them sociopath, psychopath, antisocial personality disorder, malignant narcissist, and more informal names. Although there may be some useful distinctions between these terms, the confusion they produce probably exceeds the usefulness of these distinctions.
More important are the common elements between them, which describe a similar phenomenon—a human being like yourself who, while intellectually aware of common standards and laws of “right and wrong,” nonetheless grossly, chronically violates the boundaries and integrity of others with deficient remorse, deficient empathy, a deficient sense of accountability and, typically, with an attitude of contempt or indifference towards the experience, and suffering, of those he’s violated.
You might recognize yourself in this description, but you may not. If you do, as I’ve suggested, your recognition of yourself as having this disorder will produce a notably inappropriate response.
But if you don’t recognize yourself from this description, it’s likely to be a function of more than just your denial. Rather, your failure to see yourself, truly, as a sociopath probably reflects, to an extent, an aforementioned feature of your disorder: I refer again to your deficient empathy, as a consequence of which you are actually incapable of feeling more than superficial, transient concern about, and remorse for, your hurtful impact on others.
It is possible that hurting others is a primary goal, but it’s also likely that hurting others is a byproduct of your primary aim (and pattern) of taking something from others that doesn’t belong to you.
In other words you may, or may not, intentionally seek to hurt others, but in either case your condition leaves you depleted of normal, inhibiting levels of compassion, sympathy and empathy towards others.
Your disorder has other essential features. The reason you can take from people, steal from them—their money, their dignity, sometimes their lives—and suffer so neglibly, if at all, from your abuse of them, is that you do not respect them.
Your condition fundamentally leaves you with a characterological disrespect of others.
You view the world as a competition ground for gratification. People around you are thus players in this metaphorical drama”¦.players from whom your principal inclination is to take, cajole, exploit and manipulate whatever it is that will leave you, not them, in a more comfortable, satiated condition.
You feel that your gratification—your present security, status, satisfaction and entertainment—takes precedence over everyone else’s. Your gratification is simply more important than anything else.
In your mind, you are entitled to the gratification you seek—in whatever forms you presently seek it—even when it costs others a great deal of pain towards which, as we’ve established, you bring a disordered lack of empathy and concern.
This is a very twisted notion—specifically, the conviction that your gratification and its pursuit are virtually your inalienable right—a notion that supports the rationalizing of the chronic expression of your abusive, exploitive attitudes and behaviors towards others.
Finally, this make you an unrepentant boundary violator of others’ space.
I am willing to try and help you in some way, if I can, but as you may, or may not, know your disorder is notoriously unamenable to known treatments. But first I ask that you return to me the forty dollars we both know that you took from my desk drawer last week when I left you alone in my office for half a minute.
You did this once before, and because I had no proof, I could not be 100% certain you stole from me. But this time I counted my money before stepping out of my office, admittedly in case you stole from me again, allowing me proof of your theft.
And so I ask you to admit this when I see you next Tuesday, rather than play the foolish games that are often so indicative of your personality type.
Perhaps we can discuss this letter when I see you, or perhaps you took a quick look at it, laughed, and ripped it up. We will see.
Enjoy the rest of your week.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
One believer – welcome. So many red flags in your post. HE is the LIE. Read as much as you can on here ( I read for months!) It will help you to make sense of him. No matter how much love you give him (have given him) he will NOT change.
The people here are brilliant and will help you through this:)
Ox Drover – I don’t live with him, just contacted and visited by him all the time. He just shows up most of the time, without calling or warning. I live with my mom, though. We made a HORRIBLE mistake of letting him live with us for a year once he came back into our lives. He was good for little bit, and then degenerated back to his normal behavior. Really stuff you have probably heard a million times.
He called just a little while ago. He was gambling in a bar. 🙁 He gathered the money he needed from somebody. I was just the first on the list this morning, it seems. He wants to see me tommorrow and go out to eat with my mom and I.
Everybody believes his war hero stuff. Everybody! They believe almost all of his lies, and when he is found out, he plays a sympathy card and gets a free pass. He mostly uses my condition and my brother’s death to manipulate his way out of trouble. 🙁
That was a funny example, the piss in the wind. My username is actually symbolic. I stay NEAR, but actually couldn’t be farther away emotionally from him, but I am near in the sense of knowing what he is.
Anyway, Did anybody believe you, Ox Drover? When it first happened? Did they finally figure it out? My father has been to prison before and everybody still thinks he is great.
Onebeliever – Hmm, that’s awful stuff, but I expect children to suffer from being raised by a sociopath. Most girls in homes like that seem to sleep in their parents beds for a long time. I feel sorry for the children, though. They have faulty genes(Like me possibly) AND enviroment against them(unlike me). I’m just happy my mom was allowed to raise me. ^_^
Dear Near,
I don’t know how to tell you to get him out of your life, he is like a tick stuck to a dog’s ear, as long as he can feed off you he will stay hung on…either for money or for attention.
I’m glad that your mother believes you at least. No, most people did not believe me about either my P-sperm donor or my P-son, but I found finally, that IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT OTHERS THINK, I can VALIDATE MYSELF and I don’t have to take a VOTE on what is right or wrong.
Back when Columbus thought the world was round and everyone else thought it was flat, the VOTE didn’t change the shape of the earth!
II suggest that you just don’t take his calls, and if he comes over, “I’m busy, sorry” and shut the door.
I’m not sure what your brother dying or what your “condition” has to do with him abusing you…I used to allow others a “pass” for bad behavior, but NO MORE–even if they get upset with me because I say “I will not let you treat me like that” that is TOO BAD. I have a right to associate with whom every I wish and the right to NOT associate with someone if I don’t want to. No matter if they gave birth to me, or I gave birth to them. Being related to someone by blood doesn’t give someone a right to abuse me or even be in my life.
There is some genetics involved in psychopathy I think has been pretty well proven, but even psychopaths have CHOICES in how they behave, they know right from wrong, but just don’t care.
There are lots of great articles in the archives here, go back through the different subjects and the different authors and read and read I think it will answer some of your questions about how they think and behave and the “causes.” Educating yourself about that will help you not only cope but will help you heal. I’m glad that your mom got to raise you too, just sorry that he’s back in your life. You have a choice though, don’t ever think you don’t have a choice just because you let him come over in the past…you don’t have to continue to, no matter WHAT others think.
Superkid,
I wish I could say I’m recovered or even far along on the path to healing. I’m not. I’m getting better though, and what’s helping is accepting the fact he had a personality disorder and that he was a sadist—an emotional, mental, physical and sexual sadist. And accepting he knew right from wrong and chose wrong 99.9% of the time, had no conscience 99.9% of the time.
For a long time I’d looked at healing as being able to reconstruct and reclaim the life I had before I met him, the me I was prior to September 18, 1997. That was my standard, my benchmark, my goal–if I could just get back what he’d taken (and what I gave up, not letting myself off the hook for my self-defeating complicity in this nightmare–my willingness to collude in my own destruction, though I didn’t see it at the time). I wanted the old me back and was unable to make that happen. The old me was elusive, I had a hard time even remembering who I was before 9/18/97.
Then I realized that I would never be the old me, I’d never reclaim the lost years or lost self. I needed to begin from square one, or almost square one. The me prior to meeting him provided clues, what did I used to like to do? Who were my friends, who was I a friend to? What kind of music had I liked, what kind of movies, books, foods had I enjoyed? What social justice issues did I care about? Where did I like to travel? This sounds extreme, but all of that was surrendered in my marriage and relationship with him post-divorce. The ex initially claimed to ‘love, value and support’ who I was, but slowly and methodically began to tear all of that to shreds. All of me to shreds. He’d say I needed to create a ‘new identity’–to let go of any and all ‘attachments.’ Besides being a psychologist he claimed he was a mystic in the tradition of St Teresa de Avila and St John of the Cross. And that he was a “Kabbalah-Buddhist” as well as ‘an intuitive.’ He made it clear that everything about me was not good enough, that I needed to get rid of who I was, to be erased and start over, in his likeness, to his specifications.
I spent a few hours today (again) writing down what I used to like, how I used to spend my time. I’m discovering much of what I used to do sounds appealing. But the books and music I enjoyed before 9/18/97 are long gone. Thrown away by the spath ‘for my own good.’ I go to Youtube and listen to music, for example, to see if I still like what I used to like. I go on Amazon and look at the books I remember I liked to read and re-read. When I met him I was reading a lot of Garcia Lorca, and want to begin again. I had a library of over 2,000 books, when I left the spath I had about 25 books…many of which he’d given me, most of those written by Ken Wilbur or Sam Keen or Roberto Assagioli. The only ones I kept were Peck’s People of the Lie and one book by Assagioli.
Same with my clothing. Gone. It’s not that he wanted to spend money on buying me new clothes, he didn’t spend anything on that. He just thought I needed to get rid of my clothes as they were another ‘attachment.’ So I did. (also got rid of furniture, belongings, everything I’d ever written, partially completed manuscripts, original copies of things I’d published, artwork, etc etc) The money: I came into the relationship with quite a bit of money. I earned money throughout the marriage, even after I got very sick. I free-lanced while bed ridden for 7 months in the acute stage of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome…my health broke a year into the marriage and while I recovered from the acute stage, it did indeed become chronic, have a dual diagnosis of CFS and fibromyalgia. Interstitial cystitis was added a year later. I gave him every cent I had and earned. I had no access to money, to ‘his’ checking account, even though my name was on the account. I had no checkbook and no ATM card. Everything I needed he bought if he decided I needed it. That meant two things, medicine and a small amount of food–food he chose for me.
I think the Spath recovery is going to take some time, and longer now following his suicide last September—I hesitate to say PTSD but after looking at the criteria it does fit. Nightmares, intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, all compounded by the constant threat of his violence as well as the acts of violence he did in fact commit. Maybe the hardest struggle will be to regain some self-esteem, some feeling that I have worth. I have to look at why and how I went from single and self-supporting (for 21 years) and traveling alone overseas a great deal to being trapped and isolated by a controlling sociopath. And to forgive myself for that, forgive myself for participating in my own destruction. I wanted to believe he was who he initially presented himself to be, which was far, far different than who and what he was.
Another thing that helps is realizing he lied about *everything.* One way to make sense of who he was is to take anything he said and turn it upside down, that is much closer to the truth, and in most cases spot on. Example: he said he ‘couldn’t understand seduction, would never seduce anyone.’ I found that seduction of women was one of his favorite things to do. He liked to make people do what they didn’t want to do…and had contempt for them when they did. He hated women, really hated them. He said he couldn’t understand sadism, couldn’t understand why anyone would take pleasure in causing suffering. Again, one of his favorite things, something he did over and over and over. Stated men were his preferred sexual partners but he didn’t like men’s bodies. (“No soft curves”) Then described his ideal man…or rather young boy, and it was all about the body and no “soft curves”. Said he loved animals, yet killed a kitten, broke it’s back by stepping on it as it “didn’t learn to get out of my way and I was tired of going around it.” This is hellish stuff. A friend describes that time, my time living with him, sick and trapped and subjected to hours and hours of rages and lectures and more, as being in the “jaws of despair.” Getting out took a strength I almost didn’t have. I was hanging on to sanity by a thin and fragile thread.
I was wife #4, wife #1 had a breakdown when he finished with her and moved in with her parents, she’s apparently ok now. Wife #2 was a psychiatrist, an MD, she had a breakdown and volunteers as a candy striper now, moved in with her parents and still lives there 20 years later. Wife #3 was a LCSW, she was in therapy for years post-spath. I’m on my own and still struggling. I don’t trust therapists any longer but need to talk to someone, am thinking maybe a priest or rabbi, someone to explore the nature of evil with, a different perspective on sociopaths. Just this week I’ve thought maybe a female therapist would be ok, but need a referral from someone who knows a female therapist in my area, and not someone who knew him, hopefully someone who has never heard of him. Lovefraud is a lifeline for me, reading the articles and comments helps a great deal.
LL–thank you for the kind words. I know what it’s like to have your spiritual integrity assaulted. It sounds as if he wasn’t able to destroy your faith, he couldn’t take that from you. Hang in there, LL, you’ll make it through this. You’re strong and smart, you have the life experiences needed to pull through this painful stage and get to the other side. ((hugs))
Ox Drover – Yes, this place has many great topics. I mostly read Steve’s articles, but have seen some others. There is so much to read, though. I’ve got some catching up to do. 😀
I know sociopaths have choices, and I know my dad makes those choices, but the cold shoulder is so hard. It was actually easier when I was younger to ignore him, because he lived so far way. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you. Ignoring your child has to be one of the hardest things to do, and I’m not even a mother. ^_^
My condition and my brother’s death are pawns to him, pretty much. He uses it to get free things, avoid tickets and poilce, abuse courts, get pills, and pretty much make people feel sorry for him in general.
That tick example is the best. A parasite! Just like today, he needed money and yet wants to take us out tommorrow. Either he is lying or he plans on not paying. 😛 He isn’t even costing us money really, he just owes us money and is more of an emotional drain.
Dear Near,
Somehow you seem to have been hooked into feeling sorry for him, and “being hard to give him the cold shoulder”—think about WHAT “obligates” you. What FOG are you in? The fog is FEAR, Obligation and GUILT. As long as we are hooked into one or all of those thins we let them continue to use us.
I am assuming your “condition” is some kind of disability that he uses to get sympathy. Since he did not take care of you when you were younger and doesn’t take care of you now…how does he use that to get sympathy? Especially from YOU?
YOU have choices too. You can choose to associate with someone you think is a psychopath who has neglected you as a child, and is trying to con you now—so you get what out of associating with him? Relief from guilt? Or relief from feeling obligated? Obligated why? Just some things for you to maybe think about. It is also YOUR choice to associate with him or not. One that you can freely make. Good luck. Keep on reading. I don’t think you would have kept on reading here if his presence in your life didn’t cause you some distress or discomfort. You don’t have to allow that though.
Dear CA mom (((Hugs))) and my blessings and prayers for your recovery.
CAmom,
I know that many of our spaths sound alike but for some reason, yours sounds so much closer to mine than others. It isn’t that mine was a psychologist like yours, because mine is many things, pilot, welder, engineer, musician etc… but these are all things he taught himself to do since he was a failure at school.
The things about your spath that remind me so much of mine is the utter evil. The behavior in full knowledge of being evil and of being a sadist. And the 180 degree statements contrary to the truth of what he was, because he knew that what he was was so gruesome that if you ever glimpsed it, you would have run screaming. My spath arranged accidents to kill people who believed he was their best friend. He is a Judas. His favorite sexual prey are children. He lamented to a friend of his that getting older was a bummer because he could no longer seduce children as easily.
I don’t know if you saw my post a few weeks ago, in which I posted a letter I found in his old bible. In 1985 he had been sick and he had written God a letter in desperation and fear. In it he admitted that he had enticed others to do evil. This was his raison d’etre, to take others to hell with him. It was clear to me at the end.
Your story about losing who you were is also similar to mine. I was 17 so I never developed my life like you had, but the next 25 years were devoted to making myself into what he wanted. I gave up the job, the clothes, the education. All to go live in a cabin, isolated and do his bidding. All my money – over $120,000, is gone and I’m deep in debt.
Still, I think that I was able to maintain the core of who I am because I had learned to hide this core from my parents – in order to protect it. So instinctively, I also hid it from him. I knew better than to let him in all the way. He tried, really hard and he was always surprised when I allowed him to peak in at something about me that I hadn’t told him. He was suprised because he always believed he knew me completely. Not so, nobody does.
CAmom, I’m getting out and meeting people and I feel like a teenager again in some ways. People are very warm and friendly toward me, I had forgotten what that was like – spath told me that people were dangerous and would always bring trouble into your life (projecting) so I wasn’t supposed to make friends. Those friendships I did make, he sabotaged by going behind my back and slandering me or just by destroying my friend in some way.
You said that you were ill with CFS/FMS. I had the same thing but was able to cope with huge doses of magnesium supplements. As soon as I left him, I began to feel better and now the 20 years of symptoms are gone. Within a week of leaving him I found out he had been poisoning me with strychnine and botulism toxin. Both of which cause the muscle aches that Fibromyalgia is known for. You said your spath was buying your food and bringing to you. Do you think he may have been poisoning you?
Like you, of all the things that I craved more than anything when I left him, was the opportunity to talk to someone about the nature of evil. There is no one. I went to 3 priests, one told me that people were not evil, because we are all children of God. He blamed me for the troubled relationshit. The second priest, got up and ran away from his office, exclaiming, “I’m just a poor parish priest!”
The last one said, “I’ll refer you to our counseling services.” and shook my hand.
The catholic church sucks in so many ways….and the counseling services were about as bad as it gets.
Next week I’m going in for hypnotherapy since I don’t feel like I’m making any progress on my own. I will let you know the results.
CAmom, if you ever want to talk you can ask Donna for my email address. I lived with pure evil for 25 years, so I do know what you mean.
Ox Drover- I suppose I do feel guilty. I can’t believe people actually still help him and yet I keep attached too. I don’t even have many fond memories of him or anything. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. What do you do if the rest of the family still hangs around him? He’ll always be in that doorway, since they love him(and dislike mom, go figure) so much. They even all tell me I’m brainwashed, by my mom, of course. I’d have to get rid of them all?
I’m in a wheelchair now and he uses that to get sympathy from others. Not me. He uses other methods on me, like his failed relationships(also with shady girls, as they now stalk OUR house) and friendships.
Well, let’s look on the bright side. The fact I feel this way means I haven’t become like him yet. Guilt and fear certainly don’t feel like gifts we should get for the holidays, but they are. Hehe, I read that on here! Back to the topic index! ^_^
Near, and Candy,
I totally get what you say about me outing my spath daughter as being a hollow victory,-such it is proving to be.
I have NEVER done anything like this to her before, and Im sure wont again.Its not pleasant to realise the sort of person you have given birth to, despite all of your love support, many kindnesses, being a good Mum,etc.
I just FINALLY HAD IT, after reading all her lies in the articles! Im NOT sorry I outed her, and she got sacked, =frankly I dont think my comments a lone would have caused her boss to fire her. It was prob ably the last straw with him.In a way its “Tough Love,” bringing her to the truth.Im sure she will hate me like poison now and 30 plus years of care, bale outs, love and concern will go for nothing.
I will now totallyBUTT OUT of the whole thing, wont contact her husband,never see the kids anyway.
Life and karma will take care of her, with or without my help!But thanks for your timely warning, you were 100 per cent right.
Love,
GemX