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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Life with a sociopath ends in death

sad and stressed womanEditor’s note: Following is sad news from the Lovefraud reader “Hoping to Heal.”

Several years ago, I was introduced to a young vivacious couple. Both were very attractive and successful. They were charming and fun to be around. Both had lots of energy and seemed to be enjoying life to its fullest. They seemed to adore one another.

While I’d never met the man before, he did have a reputation of being a real Ladies Man. He had been married before and had many relationships that he left abruptly. But, he had it All ”¦ good looks, charisma and a good job, and women were beating his door down. At the time I met this couple, I assumed he had “grown up” and gotten his act together. They looked like the perfect couple.

In no time, they had purchased a new home and began huge renovations. It was also shortly later that a rumor arose that he was seeing someone else. The marriage went through a rocky time but seemed to bounce back.

Later, she was different

However, a few years later when I saw them, nothing was the same. He was still the charming, good-looking flirt, but she was different. Her demeanor was more sullen, her eyes didn’t shine and her confidence had lessened. Life was taking a toll on her. She still put on a good front, but everything felt odd about her.

I didn’t know anything about sociopathic behavior but I did know that the husband was a cad. He never failed to touch other women in the small of their back when guiding them through a door, or to catch their eye when he was supposed to be engrossed in a conversation with someone else. Rhett Butler comes to mind.

As the years went on, there were reportedly affairs on both of their parts, but she could never regain the attention from him that she once enjoyed. He had Love Bombed and seduced her, and then devalued her. She stayed for years but finally they split up.

The end

Yesterday, their divorce was final. Yesterday, at not even 40 years old, she took her own life.

My heart is broken because I remember the beautiful, happy woman she was. She had everything going for her. I can’t image the pain of her heart to not be able to go on.

I can imagine

But wait, I can imagine it. I’m sure he had let her go and then Hoovered her back in, many, many times. I bet he left and then talked himself back in. I’m sure he gas-lighted her and messed with her head. Obviously, she lost her hope and any view of a life without him. I’m sure she suffered greatly. I can relate.

I so wish that every victim had a support system and could understand what they are dealing with. I wish that everyone who does understand would quit playing the game. It’s a game that will never be won by anyone but the abuser. They have no conscience and no amount of abuse is enough.

God bless that sweet girls soul. God’s speed to her in finally having peace.

 


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66 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Life with a sociopath ends in death"

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HopingToHeal, thanks for sharing your story. Likely he also tormented her pending the divorce just as Taralav’s ex-psychopath is tormenting her presently. Tragic.

It’s tragic. I’m so sad that I didn’t realize her pain before now. It’s just an awful example of how these creeps can take a sane, reasonable person and manipulate them into believing lies and losing themselves. It makes me sad.

I’m very sorry to read this, HopingToHeal.

Please know that you are healing others by participating here and that the angels see your efforts.

I can’t offer enough condolences – I am terribly sorry for your loss, truly.

I have been in her shoes. I AM in her shoes. Every day is a struggle – people who aren’t living thru the experience of being in a relationship have a hard time understanding what it’s REALLY like, they can’t wrap their minds around it. It’s so unbelievable, how could it be?

So when people try to help ‘us’ – at least as it is for ME – I almost feel like I’m being mocked, or placated – how do I express this? — like no one takes me seriously. Like people are faking “help” because it can’t really be that bad. They can’t understand it so they almost nullify it. Does that make sense?

So we/I shun help because I think I’m being tossed the proverbial “bone” to shut me up, like I’m the crazy one!!!! – or because I’m too prideful and I just don’t want anyone to see me this broken, this weak, even this crazy. Because that’s what it comes to. A battle of the wits as you hold tight to your sanity, which is quickly leaving the building!

I think about suicide – not as often as I used to. But I did, because living this life and sorting this crap out in your head is exhausting. And never-ending. The sociopaths NEVER give you a minute off – if you think you’ve cleared all the potholes in the road, just wait.. more are coming. They’ve been busy creating so much chaos, pain and turmoil in your life you/I REALLY do get to the point where clocking out seems like a viable option – how much more can you endure?

I’m terribly sorry for your loss. I just can’t even imagine. I don’t know if what I said helps at all – just the other side of the coin per say. Not meant to diminish your tragedy in any way, shape or form.

Blessings.

MKMKM,
I am so glad you’ve chosen to write. This is a site where members can relate to everything you endure such as the patronizing, oh “Bless your Heart” (a southern thing) But here on LF, we won’t diminishing Your tragedy, because we’ve lived it too.

I hope you’ve followed many of the posts here. You will be believed. Validation is important. Life with a sociopath is so nuanced sometimes that we can spend years trying to figure out why things are so off kilter, and gee…. lemme guess: it’s your fault (with a sociopath, it’s all the victim’s fault). The people here can tell you that there is a full range of people here, going through the process, and yes it is a process, sometimes a long process, but like all processes, you GET THROUGH IT.

A PROCESS you will get through..
That’s an important fact to hold on tight to because I remember the days with my now ex husband and feeling like there was no hope for life, no hope for living, no hope for anyone to ever care for me ever again. I learned my hopelessness came from HIS manipulations, HE was constantly encouraging me to commit suicide. Only a sociopath would encourage suicide.

Here on LF is a group who will share that they went through much of the same crap, the mindcontrol, the smear campaigns, the devaluing and discard. They will share ways to cope, everyone’s need for coping is individual to them. You never need to feel alone in your nightmare ever again. They will celebrate your successes, try to help steer you away from sabotage and towards empowerment, and cry with you when you feel overwhelmed.

I hope you noticed all the links at the top of this page. It’s not just current people who can share their support and wisdom, there are thousands more who have left their insights.

Please make a promise that you will never commit suicide. I did, I promised my daughter. A suicide is a “WIN” for the sociopath. There is actually life after a parasite, and you can also read that victims have found their joy again, found love again, found strength again, found life again. Even found victory.

Please join the process. You need never be struggling alone ever again. I know it’s hard to imagine, but… there will also be times when you will laugh at the bastards, at the same time you know to never let down your guard because they never stop being predators.

Thank you for your reply.

I’ve been loitering here on LF for months now – just haven’t posted until today.

Thanks to Donna and other noteworthy authors on this subject, I’ve spent the last 8 or so months educating myself on this subject. The ironic part – I have a pretty extensive education in psychology and understood sociopaths technically but never REALLY “got it” until it happened to me. Funny how blind ‘love’ can truly be – not funny at all of course.

I do think you have a great support here – you all have helped me tho you didn’t know it because I never participated. I appreciate all your comments and posts – thank you so much for everything.

MKMKMK,

I’m so sorry to hear of your despair. I can relate to your feelings and hope that this site and the advice you read here can keep you grounded. You are a precious soul that was targeted by an evil predator, and now you are paying the price for his sins.

Do you have anyone who supports you? I only had a couple of people and it was very difficult. Everyone else would say “It’s just a divorce. People do it all the time.” They didn’t understand. But everyone here understands and relates. You are not alone.

I was also at that point of not being able to go on. But leaving is just a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And while it doesn’t feel like it, this is a Temporary problem! He can and will be gone, but right now, you just must focus on getting some stability. Let your mind calm down. Ignore his behaviors. Ignore the shit storm that is flying around you. Calm your mind.

Do you live with him? Are you in contact with him?

Please know that you are not alone. Each day that you mentally fight to get through this brings you one day closer to recovery. You are getting stronger through these weaknesses. Please take care and nurture yourself. Don’t give up! Your soul is much too important to the world. LF can help you through.

Hugs and best wishes to you! Write often.

Dear HopingtoHeal.
It was a big moment for me when I realized WHY my ex chose me.

For years I obsessed on the why. What did I do wrong? I finally got to the answer.

I think it’s important that people understand they did NOTHING wrong to be chosen by a sociopath. They were TARGETED because the sociopath does not need EVIL people to get close to, they know EVIL very very intimately.

Sociopaths target the most special people of all: people who can love, and all the attributes of people who do love.

A metaphor: God (who is LOVE) cast Satan out and Satan has been trying to destroy the one who loves ever since. We are the micro battle on an individual basis, where the one who can not love seeks to destroy the one who does. All the rest are variations of attempts to destroy.

Once I was able to break the trauma and attacks down into their simplist form, and put it into terms I could understand, I was able to learn from others how to do the actual battle and deprive the evil one of his “WIN”.

So true, Not!
Why is because of our nurturing love for others. It makes it so easy for them. The enemy will use everything to take us down, especially the gifts God has given us to share. It’s sad that our strongest asset has been used against us.

I guess when I say Why, I’m asking Why would someone hurt another person intentionally, over and over? And the answer is Because they are not real.

I’m glad we can all fight our battles with evil with the help of others who are wiser and relate! LoveFraud is definitely a God Thing!

I take your answer a little farther:
Why? Because they want to destroy what IS REAL (knowing they are not.)

I actually decided to submit my story to Donna today and I believe she’s going to post it. As I told her, my situation with my sociopath is pretty garden variety – nothing different really from what others have experienced – except the fact that I’m married to a soldier in the US Army and their lack of support, understanding, acknowledgment, etc, has been the most shocking aspect of it all. Long story here – I’ll see what I can do to break it down later.

I did have a friend, a best friend from my time in the Army no less, who I thought was a great support for me. She was there to listen, support, took me in when I literally ran for my life (threats to security, housing, body) – but it turned out she wasn’t who I thought she was either. (Sucker punched twice in 8 months by two people I truly loved.) Advice has been given from LF, Donna’s book and others to beware who you ‘friend’ in the aftermath as they may just be as detrimental during this terrible time as the sociopath is/was. HEED THOSE WORDS – it’s true! Once the toxicity of her friendship seeped into my field of vision, it was time to go – so I went. Otherwise, I have adult children who mostly get it. And my Mother. And of course, a fantastic therapist who saved my life as much as Donna’s book did once terminal velocity was evident. The few people who “get it” – understand me, they REALLY get it. And they are fabulous – and I am eternally grateful for their love, support and trust.

Wish I could just set the shit sandwich of this situation aside but alas, I can not. Because it’s an every day ordeal after all of these months. My sociopath is relentless in his abuse – never ending antagonizing and psycho-punches, seeking my reaction. Let’s see here…

He’s tried to steal my car.
He’s committed numerous counts of wire fraud involving my checking account.
He’s written bad checks to me and my accounts.
He’s committed adultery and perhaps bigamy.
He’s called my accounts and has changed my address to divert all my mail – I also think he submitted a formal Change of Address with the US Post Office.
He’s filed a suit against me for a DV Protective Order – tho I haven’t been in our home state (again, I fled due to threats made against my life) for over 8 months.
He’s enlisted his Army “buddies” to call and harass me, text message me, etc., as well as the new lady in his life who is a wanted/known felon facing 27 counts of Felony Forgery. (Glorious moment – she put herself on my radar with the harassment and I took her off by calling Crime Stopper and turning her in…. wasn’t hard to find as she IS living with my husband! And I got a financial reward for it!!)
Everything he ever said to me was a lie, as far as I can tell thru documentation, etc. About his job, personal history, etc.
Lied about childhood abuse.
Lied about combat actions – Stolen Valor.
Has ruined my credit because of the fraud, as well as voluntarily having our car repo’ed.
Has “Catfished” my Mother and eldest daughter via Facebook…
It goes on and on and on and on….

… and once I think I’m in the clear, like maybe the storm is calming down, something else comes up. Now Im in a fight about this DV Protective Order and because he’s refusing to give me the military benefits I’m entitled to as his spouse (with the BLESSING of the US ARMY and THE UNITED STATES CONGRESS) – I get to take him to small claims otherwise I get to continue my homeless lifestyle. It’s like he knows – and I know, more predictable conduct on behalf of sociopaths – when the storm is passing for me — when it’s the right time to bring on another hurricane.

As for suicide – I am pretty open about my feelings as I go thru this healing/recovery process. Interestingly enough, it was my friend that “saved” me that I confessed my deepest feelings to about suicide only for her to basically kick me out of her house the next day. Some friend, eh? Even tho that should have completely caused me to shell up and crawl under a rock, I still talk about it, when those thoughts cross my mind. But it will never come to pass, actually doing anything. Thoughts are one thing, actions another, and I have too much value for own life to ever do anything like that. But the truth is sometimes the despair is so much IT DOES come into mind. I just get so tired – yet somehow I manage to get up and put one foot in front of the other, day after day. Quitting is never an option for me – so to all of you who have offered support and good words of strength to bring me out of that dark place, thank you. I assure you that my darkness is momentary – but I think only natural in such dire times.

Nope. No contact. I’ve tried to communicate with him in the past to avoid his train wrecks by design – like his stupid ass decision to voluntarily have the car repo’ed – to no avail. So I quit. I’m done humiliating myself trying to help the Titanic. And no on living together. I fled in November because he kicked me out of our military housing. I left the state – FAR AWAY – to ensure I was safe because he made threats against my safety. (Now his ‘buddies’ call me from blocked numbers to continue his campaign of terror. Joy.)

As I stated in my letter to Donna – it’s the US Army that has been the worst of this. Sort of. I’d like to say that the worst of it has been my broken heart but that’s not even right. He doesn’t know it but he did me a favor but doing all of this to me. I was miserable and gutless – he pushed me out a door into unexpected bliss. Just didn’t know it at the time. Then I thought the worst of it was over-coming the right good mind fucking – really coming to terms as I dissected my marriage to sort fact from fiction. Mostly fiction, if not all fiction, as I am sure you are all well aware. The worst is how the US Army has just embraced this poor soldier who has made numerous suicidal and homicidal threats against his peers, or his blatant violations of both civil and military law, etc. The Army could not care less! It’s been shocking that this institution, for which I at one point was a part of, could really be this — ignorant? I get it, tho. It’s a good ol’ boys club anymore these days – and yes I can say that… I’ve been affiliated with the military every day of my life for nearly 30 years. I flat out told the Army several times that he’s mentally ill (DOCUMENTED DIAGNOSIS!!!!!) and needs immediate help otherwise they are going to have another “MAJ Hasan from Ft. Hood” on their hands. All my complaints and concerns were reported appropriately and to the right authorities – yet nothing has been done. Wonder Boy can do NO wrong as far as the Army is concerned. Here’s to praying he doesn’t go bat shit and mass murder people on post.

Ack – way too far off the beaten path here. Sorry about that.

Suffice to say I have a decent intellectual handle on these things for now – mostly. I’ve been diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Nights are horrible, days sometimes just as bad. Emotionally, exhausted. Just worn down to a nubbin. But I am OK, and I do read my books and forums, I do talk to people. I don’t live as a hermit in a cave, a complete recluse. But it’s hard coming out in the daylight sometimes. I know it will get brighter for me as time passes – just handling life like an AA meeting right now… “One Day at a Time.”

The shit sammich won’t last forever. It will get better.

Dear MKMKM, the thing about your story that caught my eye is that your ex is in the army. I came to this site in 2008 because I’d had a brief 3-month relationship with an Iraqi vet. He lied about many things including the fact that he was married and trying to defraud the army out of a medical discharge. He actually faked physical symptoms with them for 2 years! None of the symptoms I ever saw, but he told me he had a head injury and got headaches. He told them he had no feeling from the waist down, faked a facial tic, said couldn’t walk or drive, all the while driving an hour and a half to see me and then driving us all over town, performing a variety of physical tasks like helping my friend remodel his house, and of course, no shortage of sex with me.

When I found out he’d lied about his pending divorce (there was no divorce), I called his army commander and turned him in. I fully expected them not to believe me. On the contrary, not only did they believe me, but they told me they suspected malingering (medical fraud). My friends and I were key witnesses in getting him convicted of fraud and adultery. Apparently, the army doesn’t mess around with that kind of stuff.

However, when they were done with me, they discarded me in typical sociopathic fashion. The commanding officer refused to speak to me and let me know the outcome of the case. He was quite rude about it, too. I had to write a letter to my senator (!) to get them to tell me he was found guilty of fraud and adultery and “appropriately punished.” I never did find out what that meant.

So I’ve witnessed both sides of the army’s wrath. I saw enough to know that I wouldn’t want to mess around with them. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Even after 3 months, I was suicidal for a few months when it fell apart. I went through a period of crying every day for a few months. It took a full year of no contact for me to recover. But it did happen. Stay strong.

Thanks for your post!

Funny that you mentioned faking a medical issue. That’s actually the ‘thing’ that opened the massive floodgates of truth and exposure for me: I found a profile that he received for a knee injury MONTHS prior which blew my mind because I had NO idea he had an injury – let alone one so significant that it prevented him from doing his job, PT, etc. Never saw a limp, never heard a complaint, never saw him take meds, etc. Took me months – up until I finally ended the marriage and kicked him out – to hear the truth which was he had shopped at least three Doctors on post trying to get someone to buy his bullshit story about an injury before he finally got someone on the hook. MRIs and everything later – of course there’s no injury, but he still didn’t let it go. He couldn’t pass a PT test to save his life in the Army. I think in the 7+ years he’s been in, he’s passed three – and they are given every 6 months or so. That’s what the big lie was about – he wanted to convince the Army he had an injury to get out of PT – and they bought it. When I discovered the truth, I told them about it but I don’t think anything substantial ever came of it. (Side Note: I’ve asked his Commander if he’s trying to MedBoard out – which would be the “fraud” aspect of it. Flat out told him that if he tries and I hear about it, I’ll be pursuing the truth of the matter. At this point, he’s just getting kicked out for every other possible shit bag reason.)

When I finally kicked him out months ago – i was so physically sick I couldn’t even get out of bed. With all his “cracks” starting to show – the reality that I had been completely conned by this man for YEARS – I started vomiting and pretty much never stopped. Of course, I had “other” issues at the other end of my body as well – couldn’t leave the house for fear of having an accident. And the sobbing. Endless sobbing! That’s when I was really in the weeds and was having terrible thoughts and contacted a therapist off-post for immediate treatment. He wanted to hospitalize me but I declined because I had a teenager in the home and I didn’t want to leave her behind. If I was going, she was going to go with me. For about three weeks there I was a complete lunatic. I literally thought I was dying. My therapist saw me a few times a week for the first month until I stabilized and then I just kept putting one foot in front of the other the best I could. It’s still very much a day-to-day thing for me.

The Army put him on a No-Contact Order with me back in October/November. I’ve been lucky that HE hasn’t contacted me but as I said before, he’s got some useful idiots that do his dirty work for him on a very regular basis so authentic peace can be hard to come by at times. The PTSD – the nightmares, terrors, etc. – hard to cope with. I had a super vivid nightmare about him last night – always involving the same thing, him hunting me down to kill me. I’m anxious for those to cease a bit.

Seems that you’ve been lucky with information. The Army won’t tell me anything that’s going on. I have significant chronic health issues – I don’t even know one day to the next if I’m going to have my medical insurance (I’m basically disabled and unable to work to do my condition and/or medications) or not. Everything is about protecting his rights, his career, etc. while he screws me over on a monthly basis by not providing me with the support he’s supposed to, according to THEIR Army Regulations.

I don’t fight for the crumbs anymore because everything he does is about torturing me. Whether it’s him screwing me over and letting me suffer and starve, his useful idiots harassing me, financial ruin or his crimes – there is NO doubt that he does all of these things to get a reaction. And we all know what THAT means – he’s obviously still got me on a hook. So I let him just do what he’s going to do – remembering that I am powerless over his actions – and do my best to avoid everything at all costs. He’s not going to get one more second out of me unless I HAVE to give it to him.

I am anxious for the next chapter to begin. Not in a hurry mind you! I have a lot to sort out to take care of me! I just know that when I turn the next page to move on, that means this is REALLY behind me.

My respect for the Army/military is at an all-time low. I’ve lost so much faith in it – all the things I believed it stood for, the honor, the morals, etc. It’s so bad I can’t even stand to watch soldiers on sporting events being honored. And that part of me, I miss. Not sure if I’ll ever get that back. 🙁

Thank you again for your story. It’s very nice to know someone can relate to me when it comes to the military.

Wow, MKMKM, I can only imagine what it’s like to be married to one like the one I knew and also have to deal with the army, which seemed to me like a sociopathic entity too. I actually wondered for a second if you might be the wife of the one I dated. I wouldn’t be surprised if she showed up here one day. To find out what a con artist he was really devastated me. I found out later from his platoon sergeant (who could relate to me because she had once dated a sociopath) that his wife did divorce him at one time due to his pathological lying, but remarried him. They suspected she was involved with his scheme. They had a young child whose birthday was the 4th of July. He actually missed his own daughter’s birthday party to come up to see me. I had gone camping for 4 days and he’d left about 15 voice mails. One of them told me his divorce was final, and I believed him. So we were celebrating. But I thought it odd that he would miss his daughter’s birthday. He was supposed to bring her to meet me the next day and we were supposed to go to the pool together. Guess what? No call. No show. This was not the first time he’d done that. He had a whopper of an excuse the first time. I reluctantly believed him. But I started thinking about things on the camping trip, and they didn’t add up. Fearing he was losing me, he made a last ditch attempt to reel me in, and it worked. Then he discarded me! But when I confronted him, he turned it back on me and said, “I didn’t break up with you; I just figured you wouldn’t want to see me again after I didn’t show up.” I had never seen gaslighting before. And that is exactly what that was! It was at that point I knew there was something very wrong – it was some sort of dark disturbance that I’ve never seen before. The army people were all very nice to me because they needed me as a witness. I was their key witness. And the platoon sergeant liked me so much she invited me to some fancy dinner for military and their spouses. I was afraid my ex would be there but he wasn’t. They put a no-contact order on him for me. But he reappeared on the internet forum where I’d originally met him. That’s when I contacted the commanding officer again. He was extremely rude to me. Fortunately, my internet friends and I on that site were pretty tight. They pretty much drove him off the site. That was a year after we’d split up.

I had terrible dreams of him for a long time. He had never once been violent with me or even raised his voice. But I was afraid he would show up one day and hurt me. I was afraid of him because I’d never seen a sick twisted game like his before. I didn’t know what he was capable of.

Anyway, it was my senator that intervened with the army to get me an answer. A fraud attorney on THIS site helped me draft the letter that got results. The fraud attorney had himself been conned by a sociopath, too! He and other people on here helped me tremendously during those first several months. I don’t know what I would have done without LF.

Hoping to Heal,

Sociopaths crush our spirits, the pain that we endure is mind boggling. I feel for this woman who took her life. Her worst enemy had been her husband. That’s incredibly sad. Sociopaths don’t know how to love, cherish people.

It is so sad. I hope others will recognize themselves in this story and commit to removing themselves from the game. Satan really does seek to kill, steal and destroy. These Spaths serve the further that purpose.

HopingToHeal…thank you for sharing this story with us and please accept my condolences for losing your friend. This is so sad. So sad that she lost her spark and was beaten down by a monster. I am guessing she loved him so much that she felt like she couldn’t go on if she was divorced and without him. It’s also very sad to me because it so easily could have been me. I contemplated it many times. I do have to wonder what her husband feels like now. I know they don’t care, but he would have to feel SOMETHING I would think. Even if he does, it will be fleeting. Their emotions change with the wind and nothing ever lasts with them. I noticed that with mine. He might feel bad about something for a minute and then he just rolled onto the next thing.

Again, I am sorry. Thank you so much for sharing…I am praying it will prevent others who come here seeking help from even thinking of doing such a thing.

Can you please keep us updated on this if you hear anything else? Thanks.

Thank you SER. I pray that her life will be an example to others that one should never take the manipulation and abuse lightly. Even if a person is not physically hurting us, emotional abuse is as bad or worse. Our brains cannot take the continuous abuse of being discarded and then drawn back in by someone we love and trust. It really can lead us to make very poor decisions. I wish someone could have reached her. I pray he changes and sees what he’s done. Highly unlikely. It is so sad.

HopingToHeal…you are welcome.

You just put into words perfectly what I have not been able to articulate to people regarding the pain I felt with the push/pull, mind control and mind games I went through…”Our brains cannot take the continuous abuse of being discarded and then drawn back in by someone we love and trust.” (and may I add over and over again). This is so absolutely true. I didn’t trust him, but I loved him and it was awful. But no one saw it that way.

It will be interesting to see if he changes, but like you, I highly doubt it.

I surely wish someone could have reached her, too. So tragic!!!! 🙁

Hoping to Heal,

I am so sorry to hear this news. We all so understand the experiences which drain us of our life spirit. At one point before I was led to this site, I also felt drained and hopeless about myself – that is the damage my marriage had done to me.

For this vibrant lady to be so abused and discarded is the work of pure evil. I totally believe that he could seem “the same” attractive flirtatious man while she lost her health over time. I used to wear myself out competing for my husband’s attention. He discarded me several times and then when he would fail he would come back. Crazy making.

I just wanted to send you deepest condolences and prayers for you and for her spirit. I pray she is being held in the arms of God and that she KNOWS she is a truly wonderful spirit.

Everyone needs to know that evil can cross their paths and to learn how to recognize it. So many innocent vulnerable people out there.

Hugs to you and all here. I am so sorry.

Thank you OpalRose. I really hope this opens other victim’s eyes.

Thank you all so much for your heartfelt comments. We keep each other going on the path of healing.

I’m a suicide survivor. I took every pill in the bottle. It looked like enough to end my life. It wasn’t.

I mention this because I have some personal history with why people resort to this drastic step. It’s basically hopelessness. It’s the inability to see a way past the pain.

I didn’t tell anyone I felt hopeless. I kept it all inside.

I now live a productive life. I have moments of depression, but I don’t think they’re insurmountable. And so I offer these suggestions for people who wish to support others who are undergoing depression and might be at-risk….

Let them know you care about them.
If they give away possessions, be vigilant.
If they cut themselves off, re-open dialogue.
Never ignore someone who says they feel suicidal.
Anti-depressants can help people through the immediacy of pain.
Ask what you can do to help them, don’t tell them what they should do or how they should feel.

Joyce

Joyce…I am so sorry you had to go through that, but so glad you were not successful and you are still here!!! You are helping so many people. God had a plan for your life.

It is the hopelessness and sometimes the only way to escape the pain. That’s exactly how I would describe how I felt.

Ser-

Thank the good Lord that you made it through as well. And I appreciate your validation!

Joyce

Joyce…thank you. God Bless You!!!

Thank God you survived Joyce.

And yes, it is hopelessness and the feeling that there was never going to be anything better, that I had given my all and my reward was not just rejection but complete failure. No one liked me and I couldn’t figure out why or what I had done to be so despised. (turns out when you are isolated by a sociopath who controls who you talk to and who either has minions or has smeared you to others, it APPEARS no one likes you)

I remember the day I realized my ENTIRE life was a sham. My world dropped out. And I thought, well if it’s my fault, then why can’t I fix ANYTHING. I couldn’t. Not one thing. I was a total failure. Even my own daughter preferred my husband (my birth baby, he adopted her).

I remember why I thought suicide was the only answer. It made complete sense. Only people here on LF know that it didn’t. My suicide failed too. My daughter found out and made me promise to never do that again. I did. It was hard, but for her, I did not…. even though my husband encouraged me to do so many many times. He gave me loaded guns when I was very very vulnerable. He put me in a car when I found him at “OUR” romantic inn with one of his worst “other” women. I don’t know how I got home on that one.

I KNOW how lovefraud victims feel when they want to die. TOO many of us go into that dark place.

I am SO GLAD you are here. You are so invaluable.

I also know what my life is now. When I left my husband (and yes, things got worse than even that misery, afterall he’s a sociopath!) I could not have imagined ever feeling bliss and joy, my friends are good solid kind women, I have great neighbors, I enjoy my work and I serve others in their best interests. It’s not the life I thought I had worked for, not the life I had planned. It’s a DIFFERENT life, but one worth appreciation and contentment.

Thank you for your message to Taralav. I see myself in her and I want so badly to help so she doesn’t feel the way I did, but as I noted in another post, getting free of a sociopath is an individual process. We can be here so that no one goes it alone, but they have to go THROUGH it.

God Bless you Joyce. Thank you for being here.

Joyce,

I’m so glad that you shared that you were once at this depth of despair, and I’m so sorry that you were devalued to that point. Thank The Lord that you survived. God’s plan for you prevailed! It’s obvious that you were meant to reach those of us who are traveling the same road that you have traveled.

You made such profound points about how to handle a person who may be contemplating ending their life journey. Many times, others do not realize or validate the intensity of our hopelessness and loss. It is critical that every mention of suicide be taken as a serious threat. While most people in our situation can see relief if the pain was to end, we maintain enough reasoning to resist the idea. But, there is never a time when the mention of such a drastic step should be ignored or scoffed.

Thank your for your honesty and wise direction!

aintgonnatakeitnomore

I was once escaping the spath, very very sick and pregnant and was going to get help from friends across the country. I had some help from ppl in the area but then they decided i was suicidal becuz i was giving away almost everything i owned as i was taking a plane back.
I WAS DOING ANYTHING but BEING SUICIDAL by giving my stuff away. I was trying to keep from being sued for leaving the apt without vacating properly. I had lost 20lbs from being so sick, besides the incessant abuse by the spath.
please ppl, giving stuff away does not always mean despair. i was desperate enough *to stay alive* i was leaving almost everything.
i had to fight with them and try to reason with them for an hour not to call the police. i would have been held 3 days in a mental ward and i WOULD HAVE LOST IT COMPLETELY had i been taken in. I was already an inch from breaking down completely. I went to their church the next day like I promised and they backed down cuz i was still alive. I was trying to keep MY BABY alive for goodness sake. What BS stress to add to my hell already!!
i never even mentioned suicide to them… ARGH

I understand. Had it not been for the infant in my arms who needed me, I would have just ended everything. The unknown was too overwhelming and my sociopath ex was all over my map. There was no respite or relief from his smothering presence until I opened up to someone who gave me hope. I lucked into the right counselor on the first try who not only understood what I was going through, but gave me tools to deal with the immediate issues and is the voice in my head I still rely on.

The current sociopath in my peripheral life has left two suicides in her wake… those being the ones I know about.

Divine guidance or just dumb luck, I know how ginormous the blessing I received was and is. I wish that everyone could find the kind of hope and tools I was given. Healing takes hard work. It isn’t fun, but the people you meet along the way – the ones who understand… they make it better.

Sharing stories/experiences with people who have had similar experiences is the most powerful tool for healing there is. This site has been a continuing blessing in my journey and I see it working in the lives of others on this site. Bless all of you who understand. Bless all of you who post as each of you have added something along the line that has helped someone along the way. Bless those of you who just read and watch. I hope you are finding what you need. Together we are all stronger.

Bets,
Look how many are stepping up and saying they’ve been down the same road. Thank GOD we are here. You are important. YOU matter. We all do. Thank you for your post and esp those last wise sentences.

“Bless those of you who just read and watch. I hope you are finding what you need. Together we are all stronger.” -Bets

Bets,

Thank God for your baby that kept you grounded. My children have done the same for me. I’m so glad to hear that your hope has returned. I’m bet when that happens it makes you feel like you’ve turned a corner in recovery.

I also, sadly, have been exposed to four women who have taken their own live in the past year, all at the hands of sex addict Spath. Two of those were within weeks of the first revelation of their husband’s double lives. It’s such a tragedy that these spaths have such disrespect for their partners and the impact that their decisions have on their families. I truly believe it’s the biggest tragedy that the world faces at this time.

Your words “Together we are stronger” is so true!!! I hope everyone will pray for decrement to see those around us who may be suffering and bring them into this world of healing and wisdom.

Bless you as you heal and go with hope. 🙂

To Hoping to Heal…

I am so sorry for what’s happened, and I thank you for sharing your story.

To All…

I know all too well the feelings many of us have had. It’s been 2 1/2 years ago since the ending of my relationship with the spath. I, too, remember being in so much despair when I suspected things were happening; when he manipulated me into selling my home to him and pushed me away…only to find out a year later than he was in another relationship while we lived together. This was a relationship that he completely denied each time I asked. I remember being in uncontrollable tears one night when all of this was happening….gathering up four bottles of leftover pills I had and setting them right in front of me. I checked each bottle thinking that taking all of the pills in them and going into the garage with the car running and the door closed ought to do it…the note was written, the tears were flowing….

But then my son showed up. My loving son who has such a huge heart…and I thank God!

Fast forward 2 1/2 years, and I can tell you, with no uncertainty, that things can get better. They certainly have for me. These past 2 1/2 years have been years of soul searching, of growth, of honesty, of strength. I can’t even tell you how much better I feel…and more importantly, how much I’ve learned.

The endings of these relationships are incredibly painful…I shall never forget. But, I am so thankful that I’ve moved forward and become a much stronger and wiser version of myself.

For all who need this…please stay strong. Believe in the wonderful person that you are. Life will get better….you must believe that.

Blessings to all. Stay strong my friends. I am living proof!

carolann

Carolann,

It’s always heart wrenching to read of another victims despair, especially when it leads down a road of such self destruction. I’m so sorry that you were abused to that point. I’m so glad your son showed up. And it’s so good to here that you are in a better place.

When I was going through the darkest days, one of my sons sent me a linc to the song “Wake Me Up When It’s All Over”. It described exactly how I felt then, and still feel some days. I’ve endured hell at the hands of someone I loved and trusted. I’ve paid a huge price for his sin. There are times that I would love to fast forward to the days when the confusion is over and my life is back on track. Just to take a long nap and wake up and realize it was all just a nightmare. My heart knows that this truly is about a battle much bigger than me. It’s good verses evil.

Thank you for your story of proof that better days are ahead. Your proof , and others, is my inspiration. I believe.

The poor woman who committed suicide. I almost did after high school due to the sociopath in my life. And I have had to carry her around with me ever since. I am 63 yo now, and it is bubbling to the surface again. One thing I know…I am far tougher than her and that is one of the things she could not stand.

About the sociopath husband: I am not sure why you compared him to Rhett Butler. Rhett was so in love with Scarlett (real love) and she always came across as a sociopath herself. This man you compare him to never loved in his life.

And the word ‘hoovering’! I worked with a guy who sounds just like your depiction of her husband. Married once, constantly eyeballing women, and a lot of love affairs. The street he lives on is
Hoover Street, Dracut, MA (no word of lie!)

Well Hoover Street fits for a dirtbag, doesn’t it?

This is a tragic and all too common story. Psychopaths affect not only their target, but those who see and feel their destructive behaviour.

To anyone considering suicide – don’t do it!!!! The psychopath will not feel sorry or guilty. They may feel proud, pleased, and superior. You will just be playing into their dance of destruction.

A more positive reason for not doing it – you are not the sum of what they tried to make you. You are going through a bad patch, but you are bigger and better than they want you to think. You will show them that their plan has failed by becoming better and stronger for the experience.

P.S. My psychopath has been dead since October 1998 and can no longer harm me or anyone else. He changed my life in many ways, and I would not want to repeat the exercise.

Now, at this distance, I have found positives from the experience – the main one being able to understand (and hopefully help) others who are going through this trauma.

Never give up – this too will pass.

Well said Bobbie!

I’d go the next step in projecting how a psychopath would interpret the suicide of their victim, “See, I told you (s)he’s crazy!” Nothing will compel them to care or take responsibility, including driving their victim to total despondency and over the edge.

It is so painful to recognize that there is absolutely nothing one can do to either get justice or get validation. But once a victim can embrace that concept, they can release their pain and let it go. It is contrary to the expectation of anyone with empathy, because we think in terms of fairness and caring. We address relationships with the concept that communication resolves differences. It’s not until we can comprehend that a “Cluster B” type will forever spin every rational thought you have to absolve them of wrongdoing, that you can stop trying and walk away.

Because we are ill prepared to recognize or comprehend the mindset of an emotional predator, we heap blame and shame on ourselves and struggle along without the normal closure that exists in rational relationships. Without that closure, there is no definitive “end” except the boundary one creates upon recognition of reality.

People who feel suicidal are often struggling in the fiction of what they believed the relationship was. Their loss and grief is no different than the death of a loved one, except when someone dies, we know it is an end. It’s finite. There is absolutely no way to recoup that loss. In the death of the relationship to the predator, the predator lives on and is simply out there in a different space, and probably attempting to discredit your knowledge of them so they can move along. Dead people don’t try to discredit you. It is an excruciating “double whammy” to lose the relationship you thought you had as well as living with the defamation and discredit from one you held so dear.

It bears repeating that the death of the relationship with a predator has no specific end, except the one WE give it ourselves once we can grasp that it never really existed the way we knew it, but only in OUR mind. They don’t love, they only want and need. If they loved you, they would not have betrayed or used you. They would not have lied to you. They NEVER felt love, it was a sham. You were the only one in the relationship that felt LOVE as you knew it to be. What you received from them was falsehood.

And as an aside, I have a favorite expression that I’ve paraphrased about my ex. I don’t want to kill him, but I’d love to read his obituary!

Wishing everyone strength who is struggling through the painful process of separation. Being a victim of a predator is not who you are, it’s what happened to you. You are still you, only wiser! And you need to rebuild your self esteem to get your life back on track. You can do it! And all of us here on this site are in your corner. Whenever anyone feels suicidal, please reach out to us. We’ve all been there and are here for you! We value you, even when you have difficulty valuing yourself. Please let us help you.

Joyce

Joyce – I love your “favourite expression” – how honest!

My psychopath wrote his own funeral programme with a photo labelled “Mr Personality” and lots of “high brow” readings/poetry. Lots of women attended and my husband remarked “I bet most of them are here to make sure that he has really gone”. Later, we saw a huge puff of black smoke issue from the crematorium chimney and both remarked in unison along the lines “there goes …. still causing trouble”.

Shortly before he died, he wrote a letter to me and my (now late) husband – telling us not to talk to anyone about what he had done to me/us. That didn’t work as I wrote back saying it wouldn’t stop us telling people the truth if asked. I wasn’t going to let him control me from beyond the grave!

I also love the concept, “don’t want to kill him, but I’d love to read his obituary”!!

A couple of years ago after one of his frequent discards, I went to one of the ‘tombstone generator’ sites and created and printed a photo of a tombstone with his name, date of birth and the date of death as the last time he’d left, and tacked it up on the fridge in the kitchen. I really enjoyed looking at it, it was relaxing and satisfying and provided some comic relief.
I let him come back at some point after that, and I’d forgotten to take the tombstone down, and he saw it. I quietly apologized and threw it in the trash, he said nothing, and it was a priceless moment. I was starting to take him less seriously by this time, and he left for good shortly after that.

We used to Skype often when he left, and at some point I renamed his contact as ‘Psychopath’ which he somehow saw during a Skype conversation. Again, I said nothing when he commented on it, but it was another moment of comic relief.

I’m so elated to have come across this site, for months I’ve wondered is it me, what is wrong with the man I married a year ago. We grew up together & graduated high school together. He came into my life when I had just lost my mother whom I cared for, for 2 years, she was completely bed written. He was there to support me emotionally after loosing her. I now think that he asked me to marry him because of my financial gain, he has nickled and dimed me to pieces, however; I have managed not to let him know everything about my finances. As stated we have been married for 1 year now and I don’t recognize the person I’m now married to. I asked him what happened to that wonderful, caring, compassionate man I married and his response to me was ” I sent him away, he does not exist”… Wow!!! was all I could think. My life has been in turmoil since 1 month of being married to him. The first month was ok but I started seeing things that were not there prior to us getting married. He has an addiction to pornography, I have also discovered numerous calls on the cell phone bill to sex chat lines, he asked me to partake in a threesome and also asked that I perform certain sex acts that I find very offensive. He has totally distanced himself from me. He does not show any genuine concern for me or anything about our life. If it does not revolve around him or what he wants its pretty much a moot point. What confuses me is that he’s very active at our church and everyone loves him, they think I have the best husband on the planet. If I would tell any of them the nightmare that I live they would think that its me. He drinks heavily, I have plenty of reasons to believe he has cheated on more than one occasion. I have confronted him regarding these things but he finds a way to flip it on me and NEVER take ownership for any thing that I have found. He says that I’m always trying to start an argument with him. He’s never apologetic about anything… NEVER!!! I’m concerned because he has a son by his first marriage and a daughter by a previous relationship, he seems to adore his son but his daughter he rarely try to spend time with or see. It seems to me that he Loves the son more than his daughter, are sociopaths capable of loving anyone or anything? My husband has a very abusive attitude, emotionally & verbally… this is my daily battle. We are now separated for the past 10 days… I just could not take anymore – he calls almost daily trying to be nice but I know that this is a con to come back home. I have 2 very good friends that tells me to RUN!!! and don’t look back .. at all – I want my marriage but not the person I’m married to … I never thought I would find myself in this position in life. I’m a very strong person, I’m the youngest of 6 children, I find myself staying away from my siblings because I don’t want them to see that something is wrong. I don’t believe in divorce but in this case… Divorce may save my life..

on the whole church thing, I can tell you that my spath hid behind dreadlocks and the pretend lifestyle of rasta. He used to always have these semi quasi life teachings that used to touch me but did he live by any of them…NO!!!! He was so fake, I just found out he had a fiance, was using her for money(we talked on the phone), constantly lied to the point our whole relationship was one big lie, he had that stare, and he totally love bombed me hard! There is findings that they hide behind a religious aura to make themselves seem like they are out to do good and have morals, but this is all just an act. I also hated when everyone who met him a couple times told me how much they loved him, but behind closed doors I knew his true colors(which weren’t red, yellow or green) after the honeymoon period/love bombing period ended.

Your gut told you to split from him 10 days ago, from my experience, I always choose not to listen to my instinct and allow their excuses to be valid….with my recent spath, I always blamed it on him being Jamaican and it being a cultural thing, but not the case at all since I recently found out. Good luck and hold strong, trust yourself!

Welcome Lindsey,
I’m so sorry to hear your story. It sounds really bad.

First off, let me tell you that the LoveFraud family is or has been exactly where you are. You are going to learn very important things here and get excellent advise.

Your husband sounds like he has a pretty severe personality disorder. Cluster B personality disorders portray themselves in characteristics like you have described. Have you read Donna’s post – http://www.lovefraud.com/beware-the-sociopath/whats-a-sociopath/.?

I agree with your friends….RUN! But be very safe. Leaving a disordered person can be dangerous. Please read http://www.lovefraud.com/are-you-a-target/leaving-a-sociopath/protect-yourself/.

I’m sure your head is spinning with all this information and your recent realization that your husband is possibly very much disordered. They are masters at manipulation and Church is one of their favorite things to hide behind. They pull the Jesus card to create the illusion that they are good people. it’s disgusting!

Please be safe and keep reading here and other places. Ask for suggestions for books. Donna’s LF book is great, as are many others offered here. Most importantly, pray and take care of yourself.

I look forward to seeing how you are doing. Best wishes!

lindsey – welcome to Lovefraud. The guy is a complete sociopath. Get out of the marriage. Yes, he targeted you – you were vulnerable, and he probably thought you’d get an inheritance that he could squander.

Do not go back, no matter how much he pleads.

I’ve spoken to many targets who said their sociopathic partners were active in church – born again Christian – could quote Scripture – believe me, it is all an act.

Yes – run! It will not get better.

If you keep returning to the relationship, you will not be taken seriously by friends and the courts.

Here in Australia, if you stay too long in a relationship, it is assumed by many people (and sometimes courts) that it is not a serious matter. The courts may say (if you leave soon) that you get back everything you went into the relationship with, whereas, if you wait longer, it may be split 50/50 even if he has not contributed 50%.

Don’t get pregnant, keep detailed records and photos in a safe place away from the home, plan your escape carefully – and get out soon.

All I can say is please, please, PLEASE GET OUT NOW! I lost 28 years of my life to someone exactly like this. I can never get those years back and recovery has been torturous, not to mention very expensive as I defend myself over and over against fake legal filings. You are not married to who you thought you were. He has shown who he is and YOU CAN’T FIX OR CHANGE HIM. I stayed for all the “right” reasons, including the fact that I thought God would be disappointed in me. My therapist, a trained minister, finally said to me, “If Jesus Himself were sitting here today, do you think he would tell you He wants you to suffer at the hands of this person for the rest of your life?” That sunk in.

Lindsey – You are getting some great advise here. Take it from people who have literally had the same relationship and survived – RUN! We all wish we had left earlier than we did. We all had many reasons for staying rather than leaving. We all overruled our gut instincts. Your gut is telling you something very important. It’s telling you that this guy you are in a relationship with a facade. He looked good on the surface, but as you have spent more and more time with him you are finding that he isn’t who you thought he was. Listen to your gut!

Truth is, he will never be the guy you thought he was. He isn’t capable of sustaining that facade for long… long enough to hook you, but not long enough to weather the years. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. The more enmeshed you become with him the more problems, issues, disappointments, perversions, etc., etc., you will experience. The longer you stay, the more isolated from family and friends you will become. Take it from people who have had the same experience.

No one should have to have these experiences. I have as have others on this site. Each and every one of us feels for you in a way that you won’t understand for a while. We all want you to live a safe, healthy, happy life. You deserve it.

So do us all a favor… get or make copies of all the paperwork you would need if a hurricane took your house away. Financial documents, social security numbers, previous tax papers, drivers license numbers, medical information, deeds, automotive paperwork, bills, credit card statements, photos, legal documents – get it all.

When you leave go to the utilities, call all of your credit holders to get everything in your name stopped where he is concerned. I wish I had cut off the telephone on my ex who managed to run up a $600.00 bill trying to convince me to come back as well as the credit cards and other utility bills he managed to run up and run out on. If nothing else establish the day that you are no longer responsible for his bills. Go get an attorney and file papers. Think of it as ripping off a band aid. It hurts less when you do it quickly!

There are plenty of people here who can tell you all kinds of horror stories we suffered because we didn’t listen to that little voice that said “GO NOW!” The main thing is for you to stay safe. Remember, he will probably do and say anything to get you back. Most women do go back. What they find is that the honeymoon is short lived and the bad behaviors just increase.

There are women’s shelters that can help you. Call or go to the National Domestic Violence Hotline website for more advise on staying safe. 1-800-799-7233 is the number.

You deserve to be safe. You deserve to not live with someone who makes you feel less than you are or forces things that you are not comfortable with on you. You deserve happiness. I pray for you.

Thanks to all who have read my post and responded. You all don’t know how much it really mean to me that you care, I now know that I’m not alone in this nightmare I’ve been living for the past year. This past weekend I made copies of everything that I thought I would need from bank statements to the marriage certificate. I closed 2 credit card accounts in which he had access to and requested a new ATM bank card with new PIN number. He’s been calling but I will no ANSWER him. I have notified security at my job if he shows up not to allow him in my work area. I don’t think he’s violent but you never know what a desperate person is capable of. The locks at home are all changed and the alarm code. I’m happy that we don’t have any kids together to bring into this situation. My plans are to move forward with DIVORCE and I think he will be fine with that. I do think that he has found his next victim. All I can do is pray for this person because like me I know she does not know what she’s getting. He’s completely EVIL!!! in all aspects of the word. I’m trying to figure out now how to get my life back on track, in some ways I feel as if I’ve lost an entire year of life and being happy like I once had. Even though I took care of my bed written mom for 2 years, there was still JOY in my life because she and I were able to share so many memories of my childhood and what she wanted for me the rest of my life. She knew she was dying so she wanted to be sure I understood how precious life is and not to take anything or anyone for granted, she made me promise her 2weeks before she passed to be as happy as I possibly could and live with no regrets. I can now say I’ve kept my promise to my mom because I’m looking forward to being happy and I know that I will be. Each day is getting brighter. I am seeking counseling for the emotional abuse I’ve suffered. I’m proud of myself for standing up to him and not allowing him to have complete CONTROL over me; and when I say complete control I simply mean that I did not “believe” the things he would say to me such as you are “crazy, or one morning he said ” I think you are Bi-polar”… and I went to the bathroom and got a mirror and placed in front of him and asked him to look in it and repeat what he just said to me… of course, he wouldn’t… I learned to flip things back on him and he did not like it one bit. Once I realized, what his game was.. I felt I was in control but also knew that I have to get away from him because this will only get worse, not better and I had to realize that I could not change him. I will stand firm and will not communicate with him at all until I have to and even then, I will have my attorney to contact him. Please continue to keep me in prayer through this journey, but I know that this to shall pass. God Bless You All …

lindsey,
Thank you for sharing your story.
It sounds as if your husband took advantage of you when you were vuleranble and now you are seeing his true self.
I hope you are ok and staying away from him.
I am wondering if you dont mind telling us how did you find your way here to Lovefraud? ( So happy you did)
Stronginthecity

Thank you Joyce…I was just in this place yesterday. Thank God for my friends. In the midst of my confusion I thought about my family and how they wouldn’t understand and when my grandchildren grew up they would have to tell them, “your granny killed herself.” Thought about that really hard. Then I was like he would continue on being his asshole-ish self deceiving and ruining the next woman’s life. I feel soooo sorry for whomever that is and I wish I could just warn her.

So many ppl told me before getting involved that they felt something wasn’t right about him, but I didn’t listen. I was vulnerable and he saw it…was talking about sex the first night we talked, but I just blew him off. What a fool I was.

But anyway, thank you Joyce, thank you for your kind and uplifting words, they mean a whole lot right now 🙂

This story saddens me, and all of us that dated or married one can relate. My spath and me were in and out of the relationships three times in almost a year. I tried hard to get rid of him during the middle of it, but he sought me out, found me and wooed his way back in. He also liked to keep a couple things at my apartment so that he had a way of seeing me and using those things to talk to me. I would threaten that if he didn’t come get them that I would put them on the curb then he would threaten that he would seek legal action. One time I packed his stuff, he came over and then tried to talk me back in and when I said no he left without his stuff. It was a never ending cycle. I can only be happy that I never gave him any money, but worse he got my heart. I feel sorry for his fiance that called me 4 days ago and we learned the truth together, she spent a lot of money on him and 3 yrs. I am a teacher and I am beginning to think they should teach about spath behaviors in relationships in health class. He drew so much on my loneliness after loosing my baby at 8 months. He knew this very early on and he took full advantage of it, he made claims that he wanted a baby with me after several weeks of knowing him and said I love you too, I was swept off my feet and just wanting a chance to have the opportunity of getting pregnant again. Now all I have is disgust for him and depression in myself for going on with him for a year when I knew there was something off. What a waste of a man….
These four days have been hell, it’s not even that I miss him or still feel love for him because I knew I wasn’t happy, but Im mourning that evil people exist in this world like this. These four days are also hell because I keep nit picking everything and realizing that it was all lie, every word that came out of his mouth. Just writing about the baby part, I realized that he would keep pressuring us to keep trying, now I realize that was his way to keep me around and forever bound to him, sick so sick! Did anyone else experience the agonizing of going over all the details and signs that you can’t stop!

They are so crazy and mean to us in such underhanded subtle and hypocritical ways, that I think everyone ends up thinking and thinking about what happened and trying to figure it all out. Their behavior is crazy-making.

Thanks Annette, I think writing tonight is helping me to get it all out and rather than talking about it this just releases it by writing it, Im finding the more I read the signs the more it depresses me, so I am going to take myself to bed, hopefully I can sleep now after all this research.

Downwitfakers,
How are you making it? I’m so sorry to hear your story. I hope it’s getting better as you work to move forward..

I was like you and thought about it all the time. Joyce is right about it being an addiction, it grabs you and forces you to acknowledge it. I found that once I separated from my husband, I swapped my addiction from him, to pondering about him and our marriage. I have to say that the constant circle of thoughts was just as destructive as was our relationship. I was only able to break free with antidepressants and distractions.

Glad to hear that you are spending time with friends. You are making the choice to get better and that is awesome. I found that I would get stronger for several days, but then regress a bit. Don’t lose confidence if this happens. Donna always cautions that recovery is not a linear journey. It’s usually three steps forward and one step back. Forward is the key.:)

I’m sending you best wishes as you heal.

Yes, Im making out better but definitely see the pattern of moving a few steps forward and then one back. Last night I went to meet a friend at a concert I haven’t seen in awhile, a little anxiety set in and wandered if I would see her or be holding out all night by myself. Then I started thinking about him as I drove and how I wish I had him to go with me and have a fun night, I knew this was wrong, but I replayed the fun times we had….so just like an addiction…I almost cried but held my composure and had a great time last night without him and reconnecting with my friend. Ahhhh, the battles we create in our minds….

Girl this is me RIGHT NOW!!!! I have been sitting back analyzing the whole relationship…and I’ve been writing things down too. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it and I keep asking myself why, why, why???? He was so fucking slick and old at that. 60 years old still running up behind women. Just like you, he never asked me for anything financially, use to give me things ALL the time..he took care of me, I think that’s why I’m having such a hard time accepting that he has a disorder (a nice way of saying it).

I still haven’t accepted it…I reached out to him on yesterday, still not believing and I asked him how could you spend all this time with me and not even have any feelings, everything with us was a lie. His crusty ass, texts back and says, “I’ve gone over this with you and you have the right to think it was a lie, I’m done talking about it”…dead silence after that. I was LIVID…livid because I even let the motherfucker know I was thinking about him. Then I was like the fucking nerve of you after what you’ve done to me. I hate him!!!!!!!! wish his limp dick would fall off. LOL

BUT I feel JUST like you…I wasn’t even happy in the relationship, but damn I hurt…I hurt like hell and I’m praying, praying hard for the good Lord to have mercy on me and remove these feelings from me so, I can be happy again and be myself. We will be okay…I’m going to keep saying this over and over and remember, “this too shall pass”

It may help to reduce your anger if you try this. Find a photo of him, fasten it to a punching bag, pillow, hay bale (or something similar). Punch it until you are exhausted. Do this every time you feel the anger is likely to become destructive to you.

Keep repeating – “He is out of my life”. “He is of no consequence to me”. “I WILL be ok”.

Not only will you feel better, but you will build up some great muscles.

Dear Down-

In answer to your question about nit-picking the past and going over and over it in your mind…… yes, we’ve all been there, we’ve all done that.

And we’ve all had to grapple with the new awareness that people can be “just plain evil.”

When you separate from an emotional predator, your brain chemistry goes through a time of withdrawal, just like any other addiction you attempt to rid yourself of. The addiction of romantic love is tricky to release from because we don’t recognize that what we feel is actually an addiction.

If we were addicted to drugs or alcohol, we’d know it. Instead, we’re addicted to the brain chemistry that being “in love” created. Love is one of the most powerful addictions of all!

We’d surely recognize the cravings of drug withdrawal and understand how they continuously pop up in our brain. We don’t recognize the cravings and constant emotional connection to a predator, that plays over and over in our brain. When you are a person with a positive response to oxytocin and a code of conduct of loyalty, it’s harder to break your brain away from the pull of thoughts over the object of your past affection.

One way to stop that rumination is to go out and exercise when it plagues you, or engage yourself in something that makes you feel good about yourself and takes your mind off those thoughts. Anti-depressants can give you greater control over your ability to refocus your mind. If you feel you need this type of help, please seek the aid of a mental health professional rather than self-medicating.

Don’t be hard on yourself. Give yourself some mental space and forgiveness to get through the grieving process. No matter how much you’d like him out of your thoughts, this type of rumination is part of your path toward getting back on your feet. As you become stronger, you’ll permit less and less time to his invasion of your life by getting a firmer grip over how much you’ll allow yourself to ruminate. It will happen over time.

Joyce

thanks joyce! I finally went out for a work party yesterday and some of my coworkers who know the story now were asking if I wanted to cancel, but Im glad I didn’t because it gave me some time off thinking about each lie….I feel Im obsessing over it because I want answers….but my answers I am finding are that he is sick and knowing that, has helped me to realize it is not me at all!!! This is giving me some relief, finally, I have many plans coming up to keep me busy and my African dance class this weekend that helps immensely. I can’t go on antidepressants, took me awhile to go off of them after I lost my daughter and it sucked but I do take fish oil/omega 3’s to help with my brain and mood. Ive been doubling up on those too since this all happened a week ago.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

GABA & L-theanine are both amino acids that help tremendously. Relora is a proprietary blend of holy basil leaf and magnolia that also is good. I take the Theanine Serene from Source Naturals (no, I do not work for them) and it has all of these supplements in one formula. I am finding it is building up in my body and im calmer during the day, altho I take it mostly to sleep at night.
Fermented cod liver oil is a better fish oil and is the best way to get your O-3s and Vit A&D to boot. it’s very expensive but you get so much more bang for your buck. Green Pastures is the only brand I know of that makes it (no, I do not work for them either).
Supporting yourself nutritionally is very important as you detox from the SICKNESS of the spath. It has affected you PHYSICALLY, not just mentally. Great loss weakens us so much that ppl who lose someone to death or divorce are very likely to be sick alot the first year after the loss. Our immune system is linked to our adrenals and they are just SHOT after dealing with the nightmare of the spath.
ANY way you can decrease your stress is paramount right now. You will recover from your trauma in direct proportion to how much you can reduce your daily stress.
Im a good example of this. I have huge stresses in my life and im having a hard time getting anywhere more in my recovery. Im stuck. You seem to have no responsibilities so I would really work on making you happy and even, yes, carefree as much as possible.
Of course if you are in a mental crisis/emergency situation then whatever you need to get thru it and then get off the meds ASAP. But since you know the dangers of the psychiatric meds, I know you will be prudent 🙂
I’ll just throw this out there too…these meds don’t work but a small percentage of the time. I know of a psychiatrist who does not prescribe meds anymore. She uses food and supplements exclusively. Radical, yes. Effective? She claims to be. She researches scientific studies and dialogues with colleagues and then implements her conclusions. She resolves issues, not just bandaids them.
This is what we’re all looking for, right? RESOLUTION, not just covering up the hurt. Ridding ourselves of it, like we rid ourselves of the disordered person/ppl.
When we get to the root and pluck it out, we are FREE to live a happy life!

Down-

Keeping busy is one of the best things you can do to help yourself recover! As your life fills with worthwhile experiences, your thoughts of him will diminish, as long as you keep your distance,emotionally and physically!

Wishing you all the best!

Joyce

One of the things I found difficult to face up to, was my pride. By that I mean, my confidence (pride in myself) was taking a battering.

I had always considered myself a good judge of character and a confident decision maker. It hurt and was VERY hard to face reality – that I had been conned! In my thoughts, it meant that all my good previous decisions were either luck or based on a very shaky footing.

It took a lot of strong talking to myself to convince myself that I was not a total idiot, and that he was a practised expert at the one thing he did in his life – con vulnerable women.

If you can admit your mistake and stop trying to make it better, you will be able to walk away sore and sorry, but with your head held high.

This is sad, but I completely understand what she went through & what led her there. I’m going through PTSD right now, and just started counseling. I find myself thinking suicidal thoughts on and off almost everyday–when they occurr, I continuously tell myself “I refuse to let him win any further!” Here’s a brief rundown of some of my experience with my lying, deceitful, sick ex husband…

The monster I was married too brought an std home and lied about it for a year although I knew it came from him, I had never cheated on him. They don’t care who they sleep with, they will jeopardize your life with their risky behavior. I could never get the creep to go to the dr. to get an h.i.v test. I’ve gone regularly for my yearly test & thus far I’m fine, but after finding out that he’d lay down with anyone, I’m afraid something might come up. He’d use work to cheat, when he didn’t have a cell phone he’d use the work phone, the computers; he didn’t have a car but managed to even meet women on the city bus. He’s disgusting & im glad I divorced him. I never imagined someone could be so deceitful, evil, dishonest, sneaky, promiscuous… The list goes on! He lied about the number of kids he had; women were putting him on child support left & right, & he’d still deny the kids. Just evil!!! He couldn’t get a decent job because his focus was sex over responsibility–he’d talk to any woman in his workplace. I can only imagine the women I don’t know about! He watched porn while I was at work & would meet people on social sites & lie about having certain online social accounts. These monsters are sexually reckless! I’m a woman that isn’t prone to vaginal infections like yeast & bacterial infections. But while married to him, I kept them! Each time I took it as my body telling me he had cheated. These demons are low life scum bags that will suffer slowly for what they’ve done to us, as they’re suffering & miserable already, & can’t face their true selves from what I witnessed with my ex. He’d ball up in the closet & cry and say over and over “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I try to do right, I swear I try!” Like a demon was inside of him eating at him. I began to fear that he was mentally unstable to the point of killing us. Some days he had this craziness in his eyes, a psychotic look. My mother would say “he’s not right; something is wrong with him.” He’d go from happy to crazy within minutes, & if you noticed & said anything about it, he’d go back to pretending to be happy downplaying what his face & actions had just displayed moments before. Anyone that reads this, please FREE yourself before you end up dead from an incurable disease or get murdered by these sick individuals, or (like this story), take your own life. I feel broken, I now have to piece so much of my life back together–some days I don’t want to wake up, but I know I’ll heal. I’m now in counseling & I know things will get better. They ruin us financially, emotionally, physically, as well as spiritually.

Once I’d go no contact (which happened on many occasions), it’s like he’d lose his mind. He’d continuously call, text, leave I love you messages”“even resort to crying. I literally had to block him out of my life. I closed my email address that he would contact me through. I blocked him out of my phone (I get calls from spoofed or mysterious & blocked numbers, I don’t answer & block those too), as well as my relatives phones. Even before I had an understanding of what was happening to me, I would block him out of my life because he was so toxic! Months would go by & he’d still pursue me, knowing he had been elsewhere with other women. He’d make up sick twisted sob stories about where he’d been for however many months, even lied about being in jail, yet forget that his fb page was open & didn’t match up with his stories. When we were together & tried leaving him or when I did leave him, he’d sick me right back in with some pity party story, or tears of sorrow–the weirdest, tumultuous, most TOXIC relationship I’ve ever been in. Breaking up 2-4 times a year yet we were married. I’m glad to say that I’ve finally built up the courage & opened my eyes to what was going on enough to file for divorce. I’m free & don’t plan on looking back. They sit around & bash you to people when your gone & make everyone think your crazy etc. Then turn around as if they didn’t do anything, play the victim, get bold enough to try and rekindle with you after hurting you over and over, as if they’d done nothing!!! This is where I discovered he had no empathy. Please free yourself of an animal like this; I can’t rest assured that he or she has several other victims on the side that they’ve kept in their grip, for the day that you figure them out & finally leave them. They can NEVER be faithful or loyal. They will talk about & treat you like a dog, and praise and grin in everyone else’s face, putting on a charming facade. Run please run!!!

This is sad, but I completely understand what she went through & what led her there. I’m going through PTSD right now, and just started counseling. I find myself thinking suicidal thoughts on and off almost everyday–when they occurr, I continuously tell myself “I refuse to let him win any further!” Here’s a brief rundown of some of my experience with my lying, deceitful, sick ex husband…

The monster I was married to brought an std home and lied about it for a year although I knew it came from him, I had never cheated on him. They don’t care who they sleep with, they will jeopardize your life with their risky behavior. I could never get the creep to go to the dr. to get an h.i.v test. I’ve gone regularly for my yearly test & thus far I’m fine, but after finding out that he’d lay down with anyone, I’m afraid something might come up. He’d use work to cheat, when he didn’t have a cell phone he’d use the work phone, the computers; he didn’t have a car but managed to even meet women on the city bus. He’s disgusting & im glad I divorced him. I never imagined someone could be so deceitful, evil, dishonest, sneaky, promiscuous… The list goes on!

He lied about the number of kids he had; women were putting him on child support left & right, & he’d still deny the kids. Just evil!!! He couldn’t get a decent job because his focus was sex over responsibility–he’d talk to any woman in his workplace. I can only imagine the women I don’t know about! He watched porn while I was at work & would meet people on social sites & lie about having certain online social accounts. These monsters are sexually reckless! I’m a woman that isn’t prone to vaginal infections like yeast & bacterial infections. But while married to him, I kept them! Each time I took it as my body telling me he had cheated. These demons are low life scum bags that will suffer slowly for what they’ve done to us, as they’re suffering & miserable already, & can’t face their true selves from what I witnessed with my ex. He’d ball up in the closet & cry and say over and over “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I try to do right, I swear I try!” Like a demon was inside of him eating at him. I began to fear that he was mentally unstable to the point of killing us.

Some days he had this craziness in his eyes, a psychotic look. My mother would say “he’s not right; something is wrong with him.” He’d go from happy to crazy within minutes, & if you noticed & said anything about it, he’d go back to pretending to be happy downplaying what his face & actions had just displayed moments before. Anyone that reads this, please FREE yourself before you end up dead from an incurable disease or get murdered by these sick individuals, or (like this story), take your own life. I feel broken, I now have to piece so much of my life back together–some days I don’t want to wake up, but I know I’ll heal. I’m now in counseling & I know things will get better. They ruin us financially, emotionally, physically, as well as spiritually.

Once I’d go no contact (which happened on many occasions), it’s like he’d lose his mind. He’d continuously call, text, leave I love you messages”“even resort to crying. I literally had to block him out of my life. I closed my email address that he would contact me through. I blocked him out of my phone (I get calls from spoofed or mysterious & blocked numbers, I don’t answer & block those too), as well as my relatives phones. Even before I had an understanding of what was happening to me, I would block him out of my life because he was so toxic! Months would go by & he’d still pursue me, knowing he had been elsewhere with other women. He’d make up sick twisted sob stories about where he’d been for however many months, even lied about being in jail, yet forget that his fb page was open & didn’t match up with his stories.

When we were together & tried leaving him or when I did leave him, he’d suck me right back in with some pity party story, or tears of sorrow–the weirdest, tumultuous, most TOXIC relationship I’ve ever been in. Breaking up 2-4 times a year yet we were married. I’m glad to say that I’ve finally built up the courage & opened my eyes to what was going on enough to file for divorce. I’m free & don’t plan on looking back. They sit around & bash you to people when your gone & make everyone think your crazy etc. Then turn around as if they didn’t do anything, play the victim, get bold enough to try and rekindle with you after hurting you over and over, as if they’d done nothing!!!

This is where I discovered he had no empathy. Please free yourself of an animal like this; I can’t rest assured that he or she has several other victims on the side that they’ve kept in their grip, for the day that you figure them out & finally leave them. They can NEVER be faithful or loyal. They will talk about & treat you like a dog, and praise and grin in everyone else’s face, putting on a charming facade. Run please run!!!

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