Editor’s note: In this Letter to Lovefraud a reader whom we’ll call “Cassie” tells her story of a long-distance relationship that became a marriage, and now she’s not sure about the marriage. Her husband was originally sweet and caring, but now he’s angry. Her story includes multiple signs of marriage trouble.
My long-distance relationship
I am so confused and in a dark place. I met my husband online about six years ago and we fell in love.
I met him during Covid. I was working at a defense contractor and living with a roommate in a condo. My life was going pretty well.
After talking online and on the phone for a few months he flew out to visit me and stayed in a hotel. My first impression of him was a good one. He seemed sweet and I didn’t get any creepy vibes from him.
Then he visited a second time and it was great again. We had a really good time together.
Put my dogs down
I worked at the defense contractor for three years. When I met my husband, I had to put both of my dogs down (ages 16 and 17) and I had a bit of a breakdown. I don’t have kids of my own and they were my world. I’ve been through so many bad relationships and my dogs have always been my support system.
My roommate, whom I’d lived in a condo with for almost five years, had lost her job due to Covid and things just felt really tense. She started slamming the front door every time she left and I just felt it was time to leave. I had $21,000 saved up and as crazy as it sounds, I stayed at a few different Air B&B’s over the next six months while I got a less stressful job at a preschool. During this time, I visited him twice.
I fell head over heels in love with my husband. He helped me during a really difficult time with my dogs passing and he was my best friend.
Not mentally well
I felt like our relationship was special. He confided in me he was a virgin, so supposedly I was first. He appreciated that I didn’t judge him for being a virgin at 28 and living with his parents. His brother is autistic. I’m not sure if he has Aspergers or is a psychopath. I feel guilty saying that but he has behaviors that make it difficult to decipher.
He is big into snowboarding and mountain biking and used to skateboard. He likes extreme sports and he gets bored very easily. He’s had a few concussions. I broke up with him a few times before we got married and I remember him saying he wasn’t mentally well. He’s also had problems with substance abuse and drinking. But I love him, so I just overlooked everything.
Marriage proposal
During my first visit to his town, he rented an Air B&B and asked me to marry him. I said yes.
He came out twice to visit me and I visited him twice. He was living with his parents, so the second time I visited, I stayed for about three weeks with him and his parents and then returned home.
I mentioned to my mom that it felt like my three-week stay there was long enough and she said come home. As I had left the condo and had been staying in Air B&Bs, the option for me was to rent another Air B&B or stay at my parents so I stayed at my parents.
This was a tough time as I was 41 and I heard my mom talking to my uncle about how I just needed to get married and go. This was very hurtful and in part why I went back to see him.
I was able to get a job for a short time while I was at my parents and put a little money in my now depleted bank account and my husband (then boyfriend) called and said he found a place for us and asked me to fly out again.
I was a little hesitant but he begged me. He was practically in tears. I flew out in November and we were married the next month in the latter part of December.
I am about 11 years older than him and that’s really affected our relationship. The age difference shows.
Back pain
Something odd that happened one year into living with him was I started having back problems. I was so healthy and strong when we met and then in September of 2024, I just couldn’t run anymore. My back has gotten progressively worse since then.
Now, I can’t walk more than a few blocks without severe lower back pain. I’ve had to make several visits to the ER and I was diagnosed with spondylosis.
The L4 and L5 vertebrae are in really bad shape. I find it odd that I developed such a bad back while living with him but maybe it was a coincidence.
The first year I lived there I couldn’t work. He threw that in my face and said I didn’t look hard enough for a job. Once I was a resident and I got a job at an elementary school for a while.
I flew back home because I missed my family and stayed for a while and then returned and I got a job as a home health care aide. My back was so bad, I had to quit that job because I felt if I didn’t, I would end up in a wheelchair.
My husband was very upset that I quit and said I was putting all of the financial pressure on him. He separated our bank accounts. I tried to get rehired with that company and even went in for a physical for a note that I was okay to work but no luck.
He got in my face
Then he got in my face and I thought he was going to hit me one night. I kept asking him to give me space, but he followed me into the bedroom. He was upset about money and my lack of work. He looked like he wanted to kill me. I was scared so I just got in the car and left. I went on a road trip for a few days and then returned after things cooled off. Both of the cars are in his name.
Last year I was with my parents for six months. Things were tight financially again and I missed my family. So I left and I was able to get a few jobs out here. But my dad is older and he doesn’t have the patience he once had, and I felt it was time to leave. He was getting very grumpy and I also missed my husband.
More back pain
I was able to get another home health care aide position within a week of returning last September and I worked there for nine months. But my back got so bad I was sobbing when I came home from a shift. My husband told me to just quit until I had the rhizotomy, so I did.
After the rhizotomy, I thought I was going to die. I was in so much pain. My husband was attentive and looked after me. He seemed very stressed and I love him. I don’t want him to have to be my caregiver.
A new dog
During this time, we got a dog-something we should not have done. My boss adopted a puppy and asked if we wanted her as she already had two dogs.
So we adopted her. Big mistake. We lived in a house underground and there are a set of stairs to get to the top.
My husband started work in a town five hours away recently and he was gone four days out of the week. The dog wasn’t potty trained so I was constantly cleaning up accidents on the carpet, doing laundry and we didn’t have a yard. As much as I tried, I couldn’t take care of her. I tried so hard.
SOS from mom
I had 20 dollars in my bank account and a credit card in his name. It was during this time that I kept getting SOS messages from my mom. She asked me to come home.
My husband had booked us both tickets to go out to visit my family in July but I sensed I needed to check on my parents. They’re in their 70’s and my mom has had some recent health problems. So I got out a suitcase and asked him if it was okay if I went out earlier.
He had a meltdown and said how could you just leave me and the dog here? Why can’t you stick to the plan? He was very upset so I didn’t go. But then another week passed and we were fighting and I told my boss what was happening and she said go. Go see your family. Give the dog to me and go see your family.
I remember crying because I was so upset and felt so guilty. The plan was to leave her with my boss to babysit and then return.
‘Get a roommate’
The night my husband went back to work I was hunched over crying in pain in front of a heating lamp and he said “get a roommate.”
Get a roommate? That was when I decided to just leave. I gave our dog to my boss to watch and she had her friend book me a ticket for the next day.
I didn’t tell my husband the truth because my intuition told me not to. The day I flew out was the day I was supposed to take our dog in to get spayed and it was going to be at least $800-$1,0000 dollars on the card in his name. He seemed so resentful that I wasn’t working and something told me not to put the surgery on the card. I almost felt like I was being set up.
Flew out of town
My boss picked me up the next day and dropped me off at the airport and gave me $800 in cash because I had no money. I was so grateful I cried.
That night I got all of these mean messages from him and his mom about the dog. They didn’t even seem concerned about me!
He cut off the credit card while I was at the hotel before I took a flight to my parents’ home so I had to pay for that with the cash I had.
My cellphone is under his name and he pays for it. I’ve changed my number a few times within the past few years so I’m not sure if I should change it again.
Who was loyal?
My husband said he felt like he could never go out with his friends or do anything. He acts like I was this unreasonable person.
I felt like I could never visit my family and I was isolated underground. He cut my phone off one night so I was without a phone.
He sent me a text saying I was supposed to be his best friend. I was! I was loyal, and cooked and cleaned and sewed his work shirts and I did everything I could to take care of him. I feel like he was the one who let me down.
He also apologized for being verbally abusive.
His most recent message was he was so sorry about my back pain and he might have pulled a muscle stretching.
Ignores what I’ve done for him
What’s hurtful is how he said I didn’t try hard enough with my job when I literally couldn’t work anymore and he completely ignores all of the things I’ve done for him.
He confided that he recently started drinking again and I feel guilty about that.
He has done some things that have been really sweet and then other times he scares me.
My boss and the woman at the dog rescue will have nothing to do with him and think he’s psychotic. He evidently texted them several times about our dog and made a derogatory remark about me hardly working.
I brought six thousand dollars to the relationship when we got married and I’ve spent a lot of my own money on him and his family. I bought his parents and siblings Christmas gifts. He got my family nothing.
Feeling stuck
Anyways, I’ve been at my parents for the past month and a half without a car and I feel very stuck.
I think my parents want me to go back to him because the health insurance and there’s virtually no job market here.
He will send $300 or $400 every few weeks. Sometimes I just think -do I try to get a tiny house and make it out here? Pull myself up by the bootstraps?
I’m so conflicted.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I hope it made sense! I’m very conflicted.
Donna Andersen responds
Cassie — I am so sorry for everything that you’re going through. In your story I see many signs that you were vulnerable and your husband has issues. Of course, I am an outsider reading your summary — it is totally understandable that the signs were difficult to see while you were in the middle of the drama.
Here are my observations:
You met online and it was a long-distance relationship
Yes, it’s possible to find love online, but it is always risky. People can pretend to be whomever they want online and it’s difficult to know what is real and what is fabricated. The problems are compounded when the relationship is long-distance because you aren’t able to spend enough time with him and see him in multiple environments. Anyone can be on their best behavior during phone calls and a few weeks of visits.
Read more:
Sociopaths in long-distance relationships: 7 reasons why it’s hard to spot them
You put your dogs down and had a bit of a breakdown
You met him during a sad and stressful time for you. That means you were vulnerable. You also said you had previous bad relationships. If you didn’t recover from them, you were vulnerable to subsequent bad relationships. So, you had lots of vulnerability.
Mental and substance issues
Your husband told you that he was not mentally well, had substance abuse and drinking issues. When someone tells you they have problems, it’s best to believe them and act accordingly.
Aspergers or a psychopath
You wondered if your husband has an Asperger’s Syndrome disorder or was a psychopath. People with either of these conditions do not make good marriage partners.
Proposed on your first visit
During your first visit to his town, your husband proposed. This is a classic sociopathic seduction strategy — move fast to hook up. Flattering, but dangerous.
Read more:
6 reasons why sociopaths seem so romantic — but they’re all fake
Back pain
A year into living with him you started having back pain. It may have been a coincidence, or it may have been your body telling you that something was wrong.
Upset about financial pressure
Your husband complained that all the financial pressure was on him. He separated your bank accounts. Is money his primary concern?
Fear of violence
Your husband became aggressive while complaining about money. So aggressive that you feared violence and fled for a few days. Then he apologized for verbal abuse. But if you are afraid for your safety, you should take this fear seriously.
Feeling guilty
If you’re feeling guilty, something is wrong. I recommend you listen to Mandy Friedman in this podcast: Guilt is a red flag.
‘Get a roommate’
We haven’t discussed whether your husband is a sociopath or not. But when you were in pain, he told you to “get a roommate.” Refusing to care for a partner who is ill or in pain is classic sociopathic behavior.
Mean messages
After you left, using money from your boss, your husband and his mother sent mean messages about your dog. They expressed no concern for you. To me, this indicates that your husband and his mother don’t really care about you.
Cuts your credit card and phone
Your credit card and phone were both in your husband’s name — and he cut them off. Someone who truly loves and cares about you wouldn’t do that.
Isolation
You felt like you couldn’t visit your parents and were isolated underground. If you are feeling this, pay attention. It appears to be true, which is not good.
Now he has back pain
You’ve been suffering miserably with back pain, and now all of a sudden, your husband has back pain? This is a classic narcissistic ploy for attention — if you’re sick, then he’s sick too.
Derogatory remarks
Your husband texted your boss and made derogatory remarks about you not working. He is trashing you behind your back. A loving husband doesn’t do that.
Sweet and scary
You wrote that sometimes your husband is sweet and other times he scares you. This is called intermittent reinforcement, and it’s one of two processes contributing to trauma bonds. The other is when one person has more social power in a relationship than the other. You are experiencing this as well, because he has all the money.
I think it’s fair to say you are trauma bonded to this man. This means you are attached to someone who is destructive to you, and it’s why you feel conflicted. What do you think?
Clinical EFT Tapping is an excellent strategy for unravelling a trauma bond. If you want to discuss how I can help you, make an appointment for a FREE Discovery Call.
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