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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Sociopaths love only themselves

Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader “Carlamac.”

I wish I had known about your website and ways to obtain support 4 years ago!!! I can’t believe I have found you! I spent 3 years with a sociopath and although he didn’t get me for money, per se, he did convince me to buy a home using a story so similar to yours ”¦

I moved with him from New York to Florida with promises that his new business (I aided him in starting and developing) would flourish and we would end up in a house on the water with a Cigarette speed boat ”¦ etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. I left my adult children, family and an endless amount of friends on Long Island!!

It didn’t even take him 3 months to start having 3- and 2- hour conversations with his ex-wife (I thought we had ESCAPED all that by leaving New York). In the 3 years I was with him, I NEVER heard one of his conversations with his ex. He always talked to her when I wasn’t around.

It was him!

He crushed me emotionally, mentally and yes, even physically. I see myself in ALL the definitions and always KNEW it wasn’t ME, it was HIM! He would tell me he was “confused” about leaving his SECOND wife (he had cheated on her and his FIRST as well) ”¦ God, the writing was ALL OVER the walls!!! I would say: “How can you be CONFUSED?? You haven’t been with her for 8 years?? How dare you bring me into this WEB of DECEIT and LIES!” I used to think he was bi-polar, but I later realized his sociopathic tendencies.

I would break up with him and within 2 weeks’ time, he was “pining” for me and begging me to come back to him, always promising things would be better and he would PROVE to me I could trust him again. He DID move out after 4 months but we STILL saw each other, even though he was at another address. That became ridiculous financially and he moved back in. It didn’t take a MONTH for his phone calls, texts from other women, missing minutes on his phone to start.

I was a WRECK ”¦ he wondered why I drank or had to take anti-anxiety meds ”¦ it was BECAUSE of HIM!!! But yes, it was also because I was ALLOWING him! I know all that NOW!

He proceeded to make friends with seedy, low-life “characters,” making me realize I just HAD to get this guy out of my life. I noticed none of his friends have much going for them ”¦ I can only guess he picks and chooses people he can feel superior to ”¦ always has to have attention, be above or “outdo.”

Asked him to leave

He is someone else’s problem now. I finally asked him to leave the day after Christmas 2012 and although it hurt, I had made a major move and changed my life, my children’s lives, all because I thought I was in love and he “loved” me.

Sociopaths only love THEMSELVES!!!! But they are needy and oh, so convincing! He could be very loving towards me, then he would put me down/belittle me. I heard from him up until April 2013, even AFTER he put “In a Relationship” on Facebook!! I found the strength to say no, enough was enough. I never married him, though we were engaged. It was the worst relationship of my entire life!

I warned his new “victim” ”¦ but she will have to find out for herself, and I know, in time (wasted time), she will. He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing and has the tongue of a slithering snake. A salesman by occupation, a conman, liar, sneak and cheat in life.

 


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19 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Sociopaths love only themselves"

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Carlamac,

Glad you found your way to Lovefraud….sorry about those wasted years with the faker.

That is THE truth! They only “love” themselves. Even though their ‘self-love’ is also superficial and unstable. In the end they make sure they have what they want. Everyone else ‘be damned’. But they can’t feel love, even for themselves. They are only mesmerized by their own delusions. Like the mythological Narcissus, they are ‘in love’ with their reflection, not them selves. Big difference from the rest of us!

I know If I LOVED myself (which I actually do, now!), I would treat my body well, make good decisions with my $, treat my supporters (and strangers) with kindness and consideration, ensure my own safety, and ‘give back’ when able.

Disordered people don’t seem to have any clue how to love themselves, any more that they can love other’s. They abuse everyone with their lies/deceit. They mismanage their responsibilities. They are, often, addicted to just about everything under the sun. Or, they exercise themselves to ‘perfection’ (anyway, not honoring the needs of a healthy body). And, they never truly ‘give back’. They only pretend to give, when they know they will gain more in return. NO self-love there!

It is, sadly, all superficial. Sex, drugs, recognition, $, power. Where’s the love? I don’t see that they have any more empathy (which we NEED to behave CONSISTENTLY lovingly) for themselves, than they did for us. They just make sure they are getting a steady stream of supply.

I thank you for your understanding and oh-so-very-true words. I know I am NOT the only one who has been abused by MY sociopath ex…turns out, the ex-wife is part of the abandoned list, along with a daughter and well, even his relationships with his sons is not “whole”. I used to feel sorry for the “girl” he is with now. I honestly can’t wait for her to learn the things I warned her about totally on her own. Fact is, NO ONE is more special than the other with a sociopath. The victims are all “fair game” since they allow themselves to be swallowed up!

Feeding their image is their sole motivation. One could argue that if they loved themselves, they would accept themselves as they are and not feel the need to hide behind the smoke and mirrors.

Casting off, vilifying, ostracizing and abandoning are all about protecting their self image. Once people get wise to their inner core, they move on to the next conquest and leave their past behind. The only reason they look back is if they left something to be gained behind.

JmS

Amen. EVERY word you say is true!! Everyone else is always “wrong”….everyone else is the psychopath. It is very frustrating. I wonder if these “types” end up alone in old age. The “snakecharming” just doesn’t LAST!!

JmS,

How succinct! Feeding their self-image. It sounds so harmless. And yet…….

But that is really what it is, isn’t it? So shallow a goal, for all the disaster they leave in their wake. Sigh..

Carlamac,
I know we think sociopaths “only LOVE themselves” but I know for a fact that they don’t know what any part of Love is! They have a severely warped perception of what they Think Love is really like, but they have no clue. Love is a word that should be used for people that have “human tendencies “, people that are actually caring, honest, fallible human beings…this does not describe a sociopath..they have dark, empty muscles that we all call hearts.
They follow patterns of what they think attracts their innocent victims , and if they can lead us to believe”love’ is involved they will…make no mistake…true love is NEVER Involved, we as victims just like to believe it is love because we are vulnerable and looking for love! A true sociopath can spot someone in emotional turmoil a mile away, it’s like a great white shark in an ocean with an injured seal!They do not target emotionally strong people, only those who are needy at the time and looking for Love! I find it difficult to use love in any definition when it comes to a sociopath….they only think the are a prize…..love is never involved! Take Care Winifred!

Winifred:

I have to agree that I don’t believe my Spath EVER loved me or is even capable of love. He has changed so much in just a month that he is a completely different person, claiming to “love” his next victim, who is 7 years younger than him. I feel he found a younger woman because she will be easier to control and will buy into all his lies and believe them….just as I did. I used to always comment on my Spath’s inability to show emotions, wherever true emotions were called for, he would just “shut down”. He always blamed it on his upbringing but now that I know what he is…it was never his upbringing it was always him. I now know why everyone in his family walked away from him!!! If you can’t show the basic of emotions, aside from anger or extreme happiness, then you CAN NEVER LOVE! Spath’s don’t love anyone or anything! They are like a plaque, they use, abuse, destroy, discard and move on to the next victim…that is what mine did.

My children have always complained that I am “overly emotional”, exaggerate and “live only in the past”. I always answered that yes, I was emotional and happy to be so; I told them that I felt emotions give life meaning and referencing the past gave life depth. But as has been explained by many experts, psychopaths feel “superior” to the rest of us who may be “encumbered” by emotions and depth.

Kataroux,
My Spath is with someone 5 years younger than him and extremely vulnerable. Rumor is she hadn’t been with a man in 10 years….oh wow! He must have honed in on her! LOL And, also coincidental is how I got an email from him telling me how he has “rehabilitated HIMSELF”…yeah, OK. So he isn’t calling, texting, e-mailing any OTHER females because of THIS one (she isn’t even his USUAL type, by ANY stretch of the imagination). Naive and surely doesn’t check on anything he does, even though warned. Whatever! I have moved on as well. The scars are healing. That is the thing to concentrate on. My house is sold, I have some money and am surrounded by men who would NEVER do to me what he did. It’s just not IN THEM!

Carlamac:

When you said “he must have hones in on her” I almost spit my tea all over my computer because that is exactly what I think he did. She is barely 18, nieve is not the word, completely not his type (or maybe I was not his type), and so convinced that “he loves her” that she doesn’t know he is still talking and trying to meet up with other women. Yet he told his friend that he “is going to do right by her”…Yeah, Right, Sure he is..NOT!!!

They are incapable of love of any kind, even for themselves. They can never take blame or even accept that the decisions they make are wrong they just justify it in some totally ridiculous manner. Last weekend when he visited my friend he told her that he did not know why I was “so mad at him” and she looked at him and said, “uh, maybe it is because you ran out the door and immediately found a new girlfriend”. When she asked him how he would have felt if I would have done that to him he said he would have been pissed…yet there is a problem with me being pissed..go figure!

I used to think it was his childhood…blamed it on the fact that he was one of 6 kids in a dysfunctional environment. Nah!!! It’s just H I M.

slimone,
You pointed out something very interesting that I never understood before.My husband absolutely loved looking in the mirror…but the way he treated his body shows that he abused it! He never stuck to a diet;the only time he lost weight was while in a nursing home.He’s always morbidly overweight.He won’t keep dr appts.His hygiene is awful;he doesn’t take pride in looking good or smelling good.

Yeah Blossom, that sounds typical. I haven’t know a single one of these sorts who truly treats themselves with honor. Most of them were gluttons, or at the other end of the spectrum, abusing themselves to ‘look good’. But never living a balanced healthy life.

I understand what the author is getting at here, though. They only THINK of themselves and their immediate wants. Like big ole’ babies. In that way they are only loving themselves.

My Spath is overweight too!! Wow. He was 308 when I met him. I am the one who got him to go down. I used to try to get him healthier. He looks even worse now. He just turned 55 and looks OVER 60. Oppositely, I have had some plastic surgery and workout religiously. I look 45!! ~~smile~~

The latespath had all of the indisputable academic credentials to back up what even he said. I knew him since childhood and I was there during college and law school. Why would any one question what he said?

When the realization of losing the controlled environment of academics,his scoiopathy came to the surface.

He couldn’t deal with the real world or with people as an adult was expected to. When he actually worked, which was, according to records,only about 5 years out of 28, he was brilliant.

While pretending to work, he used the time to became very tech and computer savvy. Dangerous because he was able to back up all of his lies.

He resorted to fraud, forgery, and in the last week of his life, out and out stealing, to get what He wanted.

He chose to live in the silent world of internet escorting, to the point of co-operating a brothel with an escort.

He had delusions of grandeur and the ‘fantasy’ world of sex gave him the lionization he wanted with no responsibility and more important no questions asked.

I do not believe that the latespath ever loved himself. He knew he was physically ill and he made the decision not to get any medical help. Going to the hospital would mean that he could not be assured of having 24/7 control over his crimes and double life. He chose death over life. Even evil people that truly love only themselves do not choose to die.

lost everything,
I wouldn’t say that spath has ever gone as far as making the decision to die.I do think he prefers life over death.I think that is why he has made the decisions he has made in the last 40 yrs of his life.Which really sounds weird since I said he didn’t take care of his body.It’s due to ‘magical thinking’ and not wanting to take responsibility for his actions.

Wow – what a sisterhood! I have now been on my own away from the ‘Me-Monster’ for over a year now and after sharing 11 years with him I decided to forgive myself and have taken great joy in my new life. Yes finances stink, but that will change. I am HAPPY so happy. Someone asked me if the months since the separation have been tough navigating through the garbage heap he created. Hell no. I am now free. I am living an authentic life again and the moment I told him to get out of it my insides aligned. I knew I would heal from the unpredictable and un-nerving experience of being his wife and wake up in the morning LOVING the fact he no longer shared my bed. I proceeded with the divorce on my own as he told me if I wanted it that I had to take care of it all.
With pleasure.
I wonder if the gals in the courthouse filing rooms have ever seen someone skip in and out of their office before? And on the day I received my divorce decree I went back there with a gigantic bouquet of flowers (as one gal sped thing up so I would receive it on my birthday). I have lipstick kisses and wrote ‘joy’ and best day ever’ all over the envelope
I will not let him ruin my trust in men but I certainly will use that life changing experience as my compass where relationships are concerned in the future. In the meantime, I did experience a summer love. With the waterfront, my walking shoes, my sweet old bike, hiking and lots of friends and picnics and laughter. Life is good and will be again for many out there who are going through a healing. Don’t give these sad excuses for men any more power by beating yourself up any longer. You have shown you love yourself by the fact you have gotten them out of your life. Thank you all for your wisdom, insight and strength. Blessings.

What a great, positive post! I love that name ‘me-monster’.

I call the courthouse my 2nd home. They all know who I am but are even more familiar with the ex-spath because he always puts on a show…lol. Unfortunately, I have a child with this monster so he isn’t totally out of my life but someday he will be….and I will CELEBRATE that event like I’ve never celebrated before. 😀

Flicka-

Being “over emotional,” and “living in the past” can be attributed to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When people say that suffering intense emotional pain can change you, they are absolutely correct.

Some children would simply like the pain of your past to disappear, as if you are intentionally holding onto it. The heartbreak of betrayal, no matter what form it took, caused you to feel as you do.

What your children fail to understand is that it is a normal reaction to have the symptoms you mentioned when a devastating betrayal happens to you. You can unknowingly become hyper vigilant and reactive. You can constantly ruminate over the past, particularly when others fail to validate your beliefs and you feel alone in your pain.

Your children’s sense that you are “exageratting” is likely to be because of their own inability to see through their father. He conned them, just as he conned you. Also, if you are right about him, he’s not much of a father, and they could feel as “conned/abandoned” by him as you feel if they were to give you credence. You can’t both be right in their eyes. And they would rather be dismissive of your feelings than be abandoned. They fail to see that in their way, they are abandoning you, and you have every right to feel hurt by it.

You could try family therapy to overcome the issues between you. Look for a therapist who is trained in treating PTSD.

I didn’t know I was suffering from PTSD for years. I had no idea what was impacting me or why. I only knew the horrific pain of falling prey to a pyschopath and the ongoing impact of raising our child.

I sincerely hope you can get the cooperation of your children in dealing with the pain that is creating friction for you. While we can get the predators out of our lives, our children, and the impacts on our children, will haunt our lives forever. I hope that your children are still young enough for you all to benefit from family therapy. Once they become adults, it’s difficult to get their commitment.

Sincerely,
JmS

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