Editor’s Note: The Lovefraud reader who write as “Jofary” relates her experience with a sociopath in Canadian divorce court.
I first participated on this site three years ago when I learned that my daughter, then only a toddler, was being sexually molested by her father (my ex). Up until that point, I was dealing with things in the typical way. I had caught my ex cheating on me and, when our son was only three months old, he immediately moved in with his mistress, who herself had extricated herself from her fifteen year stable marriage, believing my ex to be her “best friend and soul mate.” That was extremely distasteful in and of itself but, given my ex’s contributions (or lack thereof) emotionally, physically, and financially to our brief marriage, I was able to disengage from him within a month of his departure. Unfortunately, he became aware that I was not going to be his “back-up” plan after he was done having his fun with this woman, and became extremely vindictive towards me. Perhaps it was my demeanour towards him — he was completely irrelevant to me and I treated him as such by refusing to answer his phone calls or greet him personally at the door during the exchange of our children. In any case, it propelled me on a path to utter chaos and unsettlement.
My ex refused to negotiate on the sale of our house, all the while refusing to share payments on the mortgage or massive family debt (while I was on maternity leave, no less), claiming “it benefited him to keep his name on the deed as long as possible” and eventually confessing that he “didn’t care how much it cost to go to court, he just wanted me out of the house.” He didn’t want much access with his children and sporadically paid child support. The house was my only source of income (rental) and stability for the children and I attempted to buy him out immediately, at the time he left, and when I could afford it. When it became apparent what he was demanding far outweighed what he was legally entitled to be paid by me, and he absolutely refused to negotiate, I reluctantly agreed to sell the house and decided to take the case to court to have it settled.
Moving away
Then, the realization that he was molesting our daughter, coupled with the fact that I no longer had secure housing in one of the most expensive places to live in North America, made me realize I had no choice but to relocate. I applied to a school 300 km outside the area and was immediately slammed with a do-not-remove order by him and a demand to have the children live with him full-time. I can only conclude that being court-ordered to pay child support was weighing heavily on his mind. He was, at heart, a parasite and given that nature, it probably seemed unnatural to be giving money when he felt he should be getting it! I was successful in fighting this because my situation was precarious at best and certainly not in the best interests of the children, and I went on to school in a diploma program that complements the degree I already have in the hope that I would be financially independent in the near future.
Going to court
Near the end of my diploma program, our court dispute over division of assets came due. On the advice of my lawyer, this was an oral process (as opposed to affidavit) so, since I was the plaintiff, I was the first to sit in the witness box and make my statements. It was painfully difficult for me but I did my best, and had prepared thoroughly beforehand. He followed, with his own statements and I was stunned, floored, by the entire debacle, realizing I had seriously underestimated his ability to deceive. I was expecting some lies, but not the outrageous dishonesty he displayed. He was a flamboyant liar — claiming he was responsible for twice as many family debts as I was, that I had refused to cooperate with medical, daycare, and extracurricular costs for the children even though the exact opposite had occurred (much to my frustration and financially difficulty) — complete with an air of sincerity, tears, and victim mentality. I, on the other hand, came across as frustrated, defensive and probably vindictive (the “scorned woman” syndrome) — as I well should have been considering how financially devastated I had become as a result of his parasitic behaviour since separation. I had no defence for his accusations because “my time” in the witness box was over and I realized I was doomed.
In the end, he “won” the case and the assets were split equally, despite the fact that he had not shared a dime in the mortgage costs, repairs to the house, or insurance costs, and had driven a vehicle I was paying for over the last three years, simply because the credit was in MY name, which he didn’t have to reimburse me for. All because the entire oral debate relied mainly on the spoken word, with no opportunity for dispute based on written proofs.
Credibility of witnesses
In retrospect, it would have been much wiser for me to have demanded the trial be done by affidavits, not orally. Then I could have presented the truths coherently and plainly, through the plethora of e-mails I received from him refusing to share costs and acknowledgment he was walking away with no debts. As it were, the judge made his judgment based on the credibility of the witnesses. It was stunning and difficult to accept that even though I told the truth, apparently my ex presented himself to be a much more credible witness than I.
The important lesson that I learned, and which I wish to share with other Lovefraud readers in a similar position is this: Do NOT expect the truth will come out in court during an oral trial. If your ex has been able to bamboozle you successfully enough to establish a relationship, and has a history of deception, then the chances are very good he or she will be able to appeal to judge in the same way. Practice makes perfect, as they say. Written affidavits are far better evidence when dealing with this type of individual, and the more evidence, the better.
Elibabeth Conley…
“I think your daughter should tell Mom she doesn’t want to be alone with the boyfriend’s son. That’s the sane thing to do, at least it would be with a psychologically well mother.”
Yeah, well, like you said…it’s complicated. Short take…there are two houses, or three. Mom’s (ex-tox) house. His wife’s house (he filed divorce over a year ago…not completed yet…no minor children.) His house…he “bought” a house about 8 months ago…mom and my daughter were going to “move in” last August, but his “rehab” son moved in there til he “gets on his feet”…Anyway, my daughter was “left alone” with rehab boy once at his house…for about an hour….when I found out, I told my daughter…if that ever happens again, call me!
Then again, a few months ago, on a school night, my ex-tox wanted to leave my daughter alone for the night, the whole night…while ex-tox spent the night at his house. My daughter kicked up a fuss and that didn’t happen. Once again, I said…call me!
My ex-tox tries to force her “new family”…married to someone else boyfriend, his two adult sons, grandson…on my two adult daughters…planning “outings”, barbeques, holidays…I get feedback that isn’t going too well…LOL
So “sane” and “psycholologically well mother” may not apply here.
Two weeks after ex-tox moved out from our home during the divorce (3 years ago), he began to show up at mom’s new place, within a month or two spending the night there. My daughter (10 at the time) got lies or “you’re too young to understand” in answer to her questions about him.
I’ve made one promise to my daughter: “You will never come to my house and find a woman here you haven’t met before. When you are here, no woman will visit and “know her way around my house” unless you’ve met her before.”
(My daughter’s not stupid!)
So far, I’ve kept that promise.
Jim – If it werent for my father, I dont know where I would be today. He stood up to the plate, got custody (our situation was extreme with my mothers illness) and provided us with safety, security, direction and a sense of balance. Somewhere along the way I didnt (get,grasp, have) enough self respect/worth/trust… but I always always knew I had my father to turn to and that he loved me unconditionally. Your daughters not stupid is right!! You are teaching, giving, caring and sharing self respect, self worth and self trust with her. Thats what its all about in my book!!
Jim,
“tries to force her “new family—married to someone else boyfriend, his two adult sons, grandson”on my two adult daughters”planning “outings”, barbeques, holidays””
We have a widow in our family who tried to pull that one with us. Her new boyfriend was a convict and a child molester, his kids were alcoholics, con artists and convicts – yes, all of them except a minor child he conceived at the age of 55 with a 13 year old child!
This widowed family member is dear to us, but her desperation to find companionship scares us to death. We saw through the boyfriend immediately, and have been dodging her “new family” fantasies for years. Several of us have federal jobs and security clearances. Involvement with her fantasy family could destroy us.
P.S. – She’s run through her dead husband’s life insurance and savings. She’s gotten a 2nd mortgage. Money is getting tight and the boyfriend and his kids are starting to make themselves scare.
Good riddance!
Elizabeth Conley:
“Several of us have federal jobs and security clearances. Involvement with her fantasy family could destroy us.”
I was approached about a federal appointment about 3 months into my relationship with S. I remember a friend of mine said to me “Let’s see. A federal judge with a federal ex-convict boyfriend. Something is wrong with this picture.”
Needless to say, I declined the appointment. Wise judgment? Absolutely. Of course, the fact that I stayed with that freak show another 10 months could lead one to believe that my judgment was questionable, at best.
Having a clearance has made me think twice about hanging out with some toxic people I’ve met. I used to have a very laissez-faire approach towards people, my general attitude was if you’re an adult what you do on your own time is none of my business. But I’ve realized that by hanging out with people who smoke pot, or have criminal records, if I don’t say anything they take it as silently condoning the behavior. My sister used to hang out with kids who shoplifted and my dad warned her she would be judged by the actions of her friends. It isn’t fair, but it’s true.
Midnight Reflection,
“Having a clearance has made me think twice about hanging out with some toxic people I’ve met.”
My husband retired from the Marines about 5 years ago. OK, so there are a few Psychos, but generally it was a fairly sheltered world. I was 40+ when I first lived as an adult in the civilian community. What a revelation! About 3 years ago we identified the N. My husband warned me: “Watch your acquintances. Being near people like him could wreck your reputation.” I tried to do better. About 4 months ago I quit working with the S. I was really ashamed to admit to my husband what I dumb-bunny I’d been – AGAIN!
About 22 years of adult living in the military community – 1 P. About 5 years of living in the civilian community – 1 N, 1 S and two hard to specify – probably Borderlines. Innumerable sightings in the broader community. Two encountered in church, two encountered while dealing with our family. (No, we hadn’t spent much time with family before we retired. What a shock regular contact proved to be!)
I’ve had a crash course in cluster B. Hopefully I’ve wised up. That being said, I’ve only been “cluster B free” for 4 months. Wish me luck.
Think twice?! We all should. I’ve gotten so gunshy it’s funny. I just hope it works.
The stakes are high. We all want to live in joyfully in peace. That means no cluster B. They’re human wrecking balls.
Dear Midnight and Elizabeth,
“Birds of a feather flock together” is true, because people who are “alike” in their moral compass tend to hang out together. Drunks hang out with drinkers, gamblers with gamblers, cheaters with cheaters, etc.
Now that doesn’t mean you won’t meet a psychopath DISGUISED as a priest, prophet, politician, or rabbi, but generally people hang out with “their own kind.”
One example I remember that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up was a friend of mine (male) was divorced from a P and she had custody of their two kids. I had never met this woman and one day he was ALLOWED to see his kids, and I went with him and met her and her new BF.
The woman was DIRTY in her person and she had most of her teeth missing in front, and she weighed at least 300 good solid pounds, and her BF would have been an UPSCALE MODEL. WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? She was absolutely UN-attractive, and here she was with a really stunning looking man, living with him even.
Well, later we found out this guy liked little girls (the daughter was 5) and guess what he was doing? YEP, you are right, full intercourse. A few months later the x-wife let the father have custody and shortly thereafter we found out the truth. Though we tried hard to persue this legally, no one would listen.
Later, he got custody of the little boy and if you would give this then-four year old some tobacco and a rolling paper he could roll a pretty good “Joint” and even smoke it the way marijuana is smoked–taking a deep inhale and holding it.
He also had an amazing vocabullary for his age. He did not know the word for “book” or colors but he had made up names for colors, yellow was banana, red was apple, and burnt orange was “cat food.” Though the dad got therapy for these kids and was a wonderful loving father, the damage to these too kids was too severe, plus who knows how much genetic influence was involved too, and they eventually went off the “deep end” into crime and drugs. I actually think this sweet little girl was either a P or a BPD later by the time she was 14 or 15. I lost touch with them and their story after that.
Sometimes just by the appearance of two people “not belonging together” you can see that there is SOMETHING ROTTEN IN DENMARK—why would a college prof hang out with a bunch of illiterate people? Why would someone with a good job hang out with a bunch of winos living on the street? Why would a nice girl hang out with a group of whores? Why would a person who never drank hang out with a bunch of drunks and go to bars?
Many times I have observed that Ps hang out with people who are not in their “social group” either financially, mentally, etc. They many times either seek to climb the ladder but don’t quite know how (like Matt described his P) or they skinny DOWN the ladder like someone else’s (I forget who–CRS) who hangs out with the biker chicks and undershirt-attire crowd.
After my P-son morphed into the “oppositionally definant” version, he dropped his smart and nice friends like a hot potato and started hangiing out with the flunk-out crowd from the lower socio-economic groups around. I think it was because it made him feel so SUPERIOR to them…their english was bad grammar, their parents drove “beaters” or they lived in the slums etc. We weren’t “rich” or drove fancy cars, but they were fairly new, clean and neat and had all the fenders the same color and none of the fenders was falling off. Our jobs were professional ones, not working at McDonald’s or cleaning sewers.
I just don’t want to hang around with “trash” cause I’m NOT trash, so the “wife swapping” group is out, the “biker gangs” are out, the local drug pushers don’t interest me, and the drug users don’t either, can’t even hang with the local bank ROBBER (one) cause he’s in prison now (though I did know him) so guess I will just have to hang around with the boring folks who don’t do drugs, don’t cheat on their spouses, don’t beat their spouses, and don’t rob banks. Yep, BORING IS GOOD!
Holy Cow, Oxy et al, these stories are enough to make ones hair stand on end. Even by P standards.
The scariest bit is that the condition has a genetic factor and cannot be treated. What then are we to do? If they conceive more children than they can care for, they don’t care. If they destroy the normal children they do have? They don’t care. If we put them in a cell with a loop of all their damage and destruction playing 24/7 they would not care.
How can society as a whole, derailed by the actions of these disordered people, throughout history I suppose, right itself? How can we be serious about a justice system, and protecting our citizcens from the chaos they create, while preserving a system that is sociopathic to it’s core?
Here is the dilema, as I see it:
1) All you need is love
2) PSN’s cannot love
3) But we do
Other than good actions on our part, and avoidance, what are we to do?
I would wager that in no time in civilization have more S’s held positions of power and been able to communicate easily with each other.
At the same time, the power of communication has gone global, as we blog here on LF and educate and uplift, and millions of interactions between loving as well as predatory people now go on every hour of every day.
I know for myself that coming to recognize these deficient people in my own experience and in the big picture is both empowering and frightening.
What is especially frightening is all the loving and well intentioned people that will not hear you call a liar a liar, until it is too late.
The Beatles once again,
“All I want is some truth, just gimme some truth…”
Peace all,
Dear Eyes wide shut,
Yep, it is scary isn’t it? The politicians, the greedy CEOs who are “entitled” to millions of dollars in bonsuses for companies they drove into the ground.
A friend sent me a news article clip from 1999 today about Freddie Mac and Fanny May giving way to pressure from the Cllinton administration to grant home loans to people who had bad credit or were unable to put down a down payment.
Banks doing social engineering, and we see what the results are. Millions of homes being foreclosed, etc. because “easy” credit was given to people who had no chance of repaying loans that quickly changed interest rates. But the companies who made these loans picked up fat fees for them, and the adminstration took credit for all these minorities and others being able to get “homes of their own” and part of the “American dream”—while forgetting that you have to EARN your dream. I’m not against a hand up, but hand OUTS never work. They just create people who are dependent.
The truth will set you free, but first it will pith you off!
Yes, the Ps reproduce, and I read somewhere that in the projects in England they estimate that 25% of the children born there now are sired by Ps. That’s scarry for sure! Look at all the teens having babies now, not because of lack of birth control but having Larry’s “love child” means that you are better than the other 6 girls he is sleeping with at the same time and that he will love you more. Yep, I heard one 14 year old SAY THOSE WORDS….she didn’t count on the fact that Larry had 2 other babies in the oven by two of the other girls she was compeating with for Larry’s affection.
Unfortunately, that girl is not by herself, there are millions of others just like her producing kids by the Ps–or, they are the Ps, or both parents are Ps. I don’t know a way to stop it or slow it down. We hve birthcontrol information and help out there for these kdis, but getting them to USE IT is another problem. I can only sit and shake my head and pray for our society!
I imagine that in the days we lived in tents and caves, that the Ps probably sired most of the kids even in those days, or took all the food so he/she could survive, not worrying about the rest of the members of the tribe. In some ways, I can even see it as a benefit in survival if resources are very limited, which they have been until recent decades in most of the world, and still are in much of the world. Take what you need or want and don’t worry about the rest of the people, let them starve or eat “cake”—you don’t care as long as you get what you need or want. Dog eat dog.
I’m still glad I’m not like that though. I’m still glad that the majority of people are not that way either. I’m afraid that I would not be happy living in a world where I was the only “true loving caring human” but nice to know I am not alone in that aspect either. I am just going to do my best to survive and prosper and stay as far away from “them” as I can. Fortunately, most of us DO have a choice, lots of folks in 3rd world countries don’t have a choice. Lots of women in ARabia don’t have a choice of whom they marry, or a choice to leave him. India, ditto. So I thank God that I live where I do, it may not be perfect, but from the majority of the world I have seen, it is much much MUCH better than most.
OS