Editor’s Note: The Lovefraud reader who write as “Jofary” relates her experience with a sociopath in Canadian divorce court.
I first participated on this site three years ago when I learned that my daughter, then only a toddler, was being sexually molested by her father (my ex). Up until that point, I was dealing with things in the typical way. I had caught my ex cheating on me and, when our son was only three months old, he immediately moved in with his mistress, who herself had extricated herself from her fifteen year stable marriage, believing my ex to be her “best friend and soul mate.” That was extremely distasteful in and of itself but, given my ex’s contributions (or lack thereof) emotionally, physically, and financially to our brief marriage, I was able to disengage from him within a month of his departure. Unfortunately, he became aware that I was not going to be his “back-up” plan after he was done having his fun with this woman, and became extremely vindictive towards me. Perhaps it was my demeanour towards him — he was completely irrelevant to me and I treated him as such by refusing to answer his phone calls or greet him personally at the door during the exchange of our children. In any case, it propelled me on a path to utter chaos and unsettlement.
My ex refused to negotiate on the sale of our house, all the while refusing to share payments on the mortgage or massive family debt (while I was on maternity leave, no less), claiming “it benefited him to keep his name on the deed as long as possible” and eventually confessing that he “didn’t care how much it cost to go to court, he just wanted me out of the house.” He didn’t want much access with his children and sporadically paid child support. The house was my only source of income (rental) and stability for the children and I attempted to buy him out immediately, at the time he left, and when I could afford it. When it became apparent what he was demanding far outweighed what he was legally entitled to be paid by me, and he absolutely refused to negotiate, I reluctantly agreed to sell the house and decided to take the case to court to have it settled.
Moving away
Then, the realization that he was molesting our daughter, coupled with the fact that I no longer had secure housing in one of the most expensive places to live in North America, made me realize I had no choice but to relocate. I applied to a school 300 km outside the area and was immediately slammed with a do-not-remove order by him and a demand to have the children live with him full-time. I can only conclude that being court-ordered to pay child support was weighing heavily on his mind. He was, at heart, a parasite and given that nature, it probably seemed unnatural to be giving money when he felt he should be getting it! I was successful in fighting this because my situation was precarious at best and certainly not in the best interests of the children, and I went on to school in a diploma program that complements the degree I already have in the hope that I would be financially independent in the near future.
Going to court
Near the end of my diploma program, our court dispute over division of assets came due. On the advice of my lawyer, this was an oral process (as opposed to affidavit) so, since I was the plaintiff, I was the first to sit in the witness box and make my statements. It was painfully difficult for me but I did my best, and had prepared thoroughly beforehand. He followed, with his own statements and I was stunned, floored, by the entire debacle, realizing I had seriously underestimated his ability to deceive. I was expecting some lies, but not the outrageous dishonesty he displayed. He was a flamboyant liar — claiming he was responsible for twice as many family debts as I was, that I had refused to cooperate with medical, daycare, and extracurricular costs for the children even though the exact opposite had occurred (much to my frustration and financially difficulty) — complete with an air of sincerity, tears, and victim mentality. I, on the other hand, came across as frustrated, defensive and probably vindictive (the “scorned woman” syndrome) — as I well should have been considering how financially devastated I had become as a result of his parasitic behaviour since separation. I had no defence for his accusations because “my time” in the witness box was over and I realized I was doomed.
In the end, he “won” the case and the assets were split equally, despite the fact that he had not shared a dime in the mortgage costs, repairs to the house, or insurance costs, and had driven a vehicle I was paying for over the last three years, simply because the credit was in MY name, which he didn’t have to reimburse me for. All because the entire oral debate relied mainly on the spoken word, with no opportunity for dispute based on written proofs.
Credibility of witnesses
In retrospect, it would have been much wiser for me to have demanded the trial be done by affidavits, not orally. Then I could have presented the truths coherently and plainly, through the plethora of e-mails I received from him refusing to share costs and acknowledgment he was walking away with no debts. As it were, the judge made his judgment based on the credibility of the witnesses. It was stunning and difficult to accept that even though I told the truth, apparently my ex presented himself to be a much more credible witness than I.
The important lesson that I learned, and which I wish to share with other Lovefraud readers in a similar position is this: Do NOT expect the truth will come out in court during an oral trial. If your ex has been able to bamboozle you successfully enough to establish a relationship, and has a history of deception, then the chances are very good he or she will be able to appeal to judge in the same way. Practice makes perfect, as they say. Written affidavits are far better evidence when dealing with this type of individual, and the more evidence, the better.
Dear Oxy, I have read your story so many times, but this last post especially touched me. You are a great woman with a heart of gold and a skillet of iron.
Dear LearnED,
Thank you so much, LearnED. You are a special person yourself. I am so glad that you are getting it and I do hope that some of the things I have experienced can help you cope with your own grief and trauma. So many times I have “coped” (or NOT, as the case may be) with the trauma of a P, not even knowing what had hit me. No one I talked to “got it” or seemed to care. I got to where I didn’t want to share anything with anyone because they didn’t get it (which further invalidated me). I think this not being validated by others for the pain we have felt is difficult for many if not all of us here.
Feeling VALIDATEd here is part of the best part of this healing I think. KNowing that you are NOT alone on this rocky, bumpy, pot-hole-filled road that sometimes feels like mountain climbiing without a rope, helps more than anything else.
It has been very healing for me to be able to “talk” about all this crap and not be criticized for being so “stupid” or for being so “weak” or not “just get on with your life and forget about all this.”
BEcause my late husband did know my P-sperm donor (they had been business partners for a short time many years ago, that was how we met and became friends) my husband believed me. That meant so much to me. In fact, there are quite a few people (including my P-sperm donor’s family) that know him and know what a monster he was. That did, and does, mean a great deal to me.
Please believe me, Learn-ED that I have received more support here at LF than I have ever given. While I do very much want to support and validate other’s pain so that they can feel that they are NOT alone, what I have received in terms of validation here is worth more to me than gold or silver!
Maybe that is the KEY to healing is to know you are not alone, to know that other people do validate your pain, and to an extent to understand because they have encountered the same “alien life force” themselves.
Sometimes I felt like I was telling someone that I had been “abducted by an alien space craft”—I think I might have been more easily believed if I had told them that. LOL
In spite of the pain I have felt over my P-experiences, I now that others have lost so much more than I have. Reading Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book, “Man’s Search for Meaning” that he wrote about the emotional pain of being in the Nazi prison camps, made me see that for each of us, our LOSS WAS TOTAL. For him, for me, for you, and for each of us here. We all lost everything and the pain was just as intense for each of us, totally filled our beings. No one was “wounded worse” than another. My story is not worse than yours, or yours worse than anyone else’s.
Settiing our minds to healing, and sticking to that road, encouraging our fellow travelers on the path, and doing our best to live a good life, to do good in this world, to refrain from evil and selfish behavior—that is what makes life worth living. Using the “talents” that God gave us, whatever they are, is a good life and makes the world a better place, even if only in one tiny spot.
When I was a teenager, I thought I could change the entire world, now I know I can only change one small part of it, myself….but even changing that one small thing, DOES change the world, just a bit, for the better. (((hugs))))
Dear Star, I think we posted over each other. Thanks, sweetie! Yep, that’s me, the heart of gold and skillet of IRON! LOL (((hugs))))
I too found it difficult to convey the insanity without sounding petty or just an angry ex. Not just to the court, but to others involved in our case. And even to co-workers or new acquaintances.
I found the key was to compile EXCERPTS from what he himself had written. This way, it was not my words, but his that spoke. While I never used that in court, I did use the list to get others up-to-speed. Like the kids’ counselors, court-appointed social worker and the kids’ adlitem. So instead of presenting 100’s of pages for folks to read through and understand, I boiled it down to 3 or 4 pages.
When it became apparent that the divorce was going to get ugly I stopped communicating verbally. Email was how I communicated. I did record some conversations, but never used them. Fortunately for me he wrote a lot.
Despite bizarre behavior my own attorney did not really “get it” until he was personally burned. My ex accused him of deceitful behavior and also sued the firm for slander. It took about 6 months.
Another technique I stumbled into was to have a witness each time we went to court, every hearing on any motion. The kids’ counselor one time. The social worker another. After a couple of hearings the judge had pretty much made up her mind.
One of the motions granted was to get a social study of each home and also a psychological study. This was a good move, it created more independent witnesses.
Even the folks in the legal system who are supposed to be helping are distancing themselves from our case. The judge refuses to sign the written version of the verbal orders she already gave. She refuses to hear the full content of motions brought to court. The court-appointed psychologist seemed to think that he would go after her personally so softened her findings on him and magnified her view of me. The kids attorney does not return my or thier calls and is a no show at court.
Because there is no illegal behavior or broken bones, they don’t want to become his target either. So they do the least they can. I have come to peace with this and understand. The best way to handle this person is to stay away and disconnected. I am sacrificing for my kids. They have their own families and careers to look out for. So if it seems like you are swimming upstream, you are. You are Ginger Rogers. Doing everthing just as good but in heels and backwards.
We have not had a “trial” yet. I obtained full custody via a temporary order. To get this over with he either has to agree to make the order permanent (but this has no chaotic value to him) or we have to go to trial.
I have thought a lot about how I would come across in a trial. Any particular event sounds petty. We all do stupid things on occasion. I believe the strength of my case is in the TRENDS of his actions and his actions documented in his own words. And of course there is my own trend of taking care of the kids.
His abuse has been mental on me and the kids. I met early on with a psychologist who works with law enforcement and he was honest with me. Unless the kid has broken bones or cigarette burns, the law will do nothing. His advice was to provide the kids with a contrast to his actions by emphasizing TRUTH and LOVE. Take every opportunity to overtly value truth and love.
I have had some GREAT support, including his own parents and family. But the legal system does not look at the outrage of actions which are technically legal. And even your good support system moves on to worry about their own life.
So we just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I agree with one blogger who advised not to have regrets regarding the property settlement. I know that my ex is still proud of himself. He came out ahead, debt free. I have the debt and no cash. The equity I have is in a house that has lost its value and I cannot sell. He does not pay child support. But I am divorced from him. I am starting a new life.
My objective throughout has been to sever my life from his as quickly as possible as much as possible. Although he has tried to end his relationship with the kids (on multiple ocassions) and has questioned the paternity of the youngest (who looks just like him), he continues to exercise his basic visitation. But with this latest order I have control over the kids. So I can provide them stability in their life.
I have obsessed the past 2 years. I knew there were no “do-overs”. There is only one chance. I documented. I called my attorney often. Every moment my kids were with thier dad I was doing my own legal prep.
This was disjointed and too late for the oral trial you had. Maybe there is something that someone else can use.
Dearest Oxy: God Bless you. You are the light at the end of the tunnel.
Peace.
DEar Supermom4ever!!!
Welcome to LF, and BTW you sound like a SUPER WOMAN TOO! Good advice!!! All the way around. Your kids have a great mom! Hat’s off to you!!! I know it must have been a tough road, but you are putting your priorities where they count, with your KIDS and YOURSELF! Glad you are here!
Dear Sweet Wini, Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is an ONCOMING TRAIN! LOL Don’t forget I swing a meeeeaan skillet! ((((hugs))))
After I’d been blogging on this site for a month or so, I started talking to a woman that I’d seen repeatedly at the pool. I’d asked her several times to please control her kids, who were very loud and out of control (the noise radiates into my unit). So she never has liked me and always gave me dirty looks. One day I found her in a drunken stupor at the pool. She had fallen and had blood on her face. But she hated me and would not even let me help her to get back to her home. She was obviously troubled, and I felt concerned for her and her children.
This one day, after blogging here for a month, I struck up a conversation with her at the pool about her job as a teacher. After talking for an hour or so, the discussion became more personal. She told me about the ordeal she was going through with her ex-husband, who is a sociopath. He had taken her for 200k and was fighting her for child custody, and it looked like he was winning because she was pretty much beaten down. She suspected he was molesting the kids, too. Because of this site, and my experience with the sociopath, I was able to give her the validation she needed. She had no one to talk to. I directed her to this site. I don’t know if she ever got here or not. I have not seen her since.
Yesterday, I directed a woman who is fighting her sociopathic sister in court to this site.
I cannot believe how many people’s lives have been or are being destroyed by sociopaths. I am so thankful there is a place like this people can come to for help.
“When I was a teenager, I thought I could change the entire world, now I know I can only change one small part of it, myself”.but even changing that one small thing, DOES change the world, just a bit, for the better.” Oxy, I feel exactly the same way. I went through a metamorphasis from Idealist to Cynic to Realist, white to black to grey, and there are days when I realize I work with people who are older than my parents who haven’t made it that far.
Supermom wrote, “His abuse has been mental on me and the kids. I met early on with a psychologist who works with law enforcement and he was honest with me. Unless the kid has broken bones or cigarette burns, the law will do nothing.” That highlights a few of the things that really get me about our society and our “justice” system, first being that mental abuse is not “as bad” as physical abuse, second being the belief that a child is better off having contact with a toxic biological parent than not having them around at all.
Personally, I think mental and emotional abuse is as dangerous, and in some cases can be more dangerous, than physical abuse. First because it is not recognized, or it is trivialized. My parents told me to never let anyone physically hurt me, to fight back, or go get help, but they never told me about mental or emotional abuse. Second, it’s hard to prove someone is mentally abusing you. It’s hard enough sometimes to prove physical abuse if there aren’t any bruises or scars, what proof can you provide of mental abuse? Even when you have a recording or written proof mental abusers often word things vaguely enough that you’ll get the message they’re trying to send, but they can claim they meant something else. Mental abuse can lead to acts of rage, murder, suicide, and everyone thinks the victim is crazy while the mastermind slips off into the shadows.
Our society struggles to find the right answer in dealing with what is “in the best interest of the children.” It’s such a grey area with so much subjectivity. We try to set rules and regulations, but we can’t apply one rule across the board to all situations. We want to be fair to mothers and fathers, we strive for 50/50 custody while trying to also do what’s best for the kids. In my opinion, we place too much emphasis on blood rights and not enough on actions. Just about anyone can contribute sperm or an egg and create a child, but being a real parent requires a lot more. My husband’s aunt has been trying to get my husband to break NC with his mom for years because “she’s blood.” His mom is an alcoholic drug abuser who gave him away to family members whenever she didn’t feel like taking care of him, he went NC after an incident when he was a teenager and living with her. She got drunk, he was sleeping and she punched him in the face because she was angry over something he hadn’t done. He woke up to her beating on him, he wrestled her to the ground until she calmed down, then he left. When he came back that evening he found out she had called the cops and said HE assaulted HER and he got arrested. The judge dropped the charges after he listened to both of them, but that was the last straw for my husband. His aunt even tried to get me to talk him into calling his mother, which I refused. Toxicity trumps blood relations in my book.
Yep, Midnight, my late husband had a saying that I always liked. He said “There is 30 years experience, and there is ONE YEAR EXPERIENCE THIRTY TIMES.” so true, so true!
I think I have had the latter, and kept doing the “same thing and expecting different results” I think it was albert Einstein who used that phrase to define “insanity.” At least it has been attributed to him.
Henry Ford said “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.”
My husband also had written down a short quote (source unknown to me) that said “Life is tough, she gives the test first, then the lesson.” That, too, is very true. I kept flunking subsequent tests even after the “lesson” because I never got the lesson internalized or saw the reason for my failures.
I hope to God that I have “gotten it” down this time, cause I sure don’t want another “remedial class” in psychopathic people! LOL