Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by Lovefraud reader “Presseject.” This is part two of his story. Part one was posted yesterday.
By Presseject
About two weeks after I confronted my S, there was a very dark day in which I was cut to pieces. I am okay now recalling it, but at that time, and for many weeks afterwards, it was like a knife in the heart. I would like to share a bit further with you the silver lining to this part of the story and how that relates to the good work you have done with the site. You see, it went like this:
I had my S visit and stay with me for my birthday weekend. He presented me with fun gifts and a card that included the words signed with “tons of love.” We had been dating for over six months at that point. (This included all the fun, spontaneous “impulsive” trips and arrangements including our visits to Miami, Key West, Palm Beach, Washington DC, New York City, Toronto, and London Ont.) But… while he was staying with me that last visit on my birthday, I happened to glance over at his laptop and saw a heading in his email program on a received email from what I thought was a dating website. So naturally I questioned it and I was told it was no one he knew, that sometimes he visited the site but wasn’t meeting anyone. A real nice birthday surprise!
After he went back, I found the site, having memorized the name of it in the email heading. To find his profile, I had to create one for myself. Once I did this, I saw he was very active at the site, logging in each day and the profile was marked as “looking for a relationship and/or one-on-one.” This left a sinking feeling in me. I thought we had a relationship, so again I needed to let him know it didn’t sit well with me. To do this though took even greater strength. I remember turning to God in prayer at that point to ask for that strength to find and face the truth, whatever it might be. And this was actually the beginning of my new relationship with God. Together with God’s help I knew I was going to get to the truth (I am still in this quest and I will continue this prayer) but little did I know it would turn my world inside out and leave me without the dream of love and feeling something others have described as being emotionally raped.
The day I after I spoke with him about my feelings about the site and his profile which he said calmly he’d “take into consideration,” he sent three typical friendly emails, pictures of himself with family, links to fun websites, nothing out of the ordinary. That evening though, he called and said it was over. He was going to try to find someone closer to where he lived possibly. He said he couldn’t explain me to his family although oddly, a few months prior, he had introduced me affectionately to each and every one of them! I was stunned and expressed my shock, especially after all the birthday gifts and words of love shared the week before. That sinking feeling was the Titanic going down then. To be discarded so quickly without much of a sound reason was baffling and horrible all at the same time.
Somehow I had the sense (when all seemed like chaos and NO sense) to google “personality disorder” along with the word “relationship” about a week after that. It led to the various sites on narcissism that seemed to give hints at what had just happened. (I learned to do searches excluding the words “Sam,” “Vaknin” and “Malignant” after a while). A close friend soon suggested the idea of a sociopath to me. (I still very much like the description one visitor has offered at Lovefraud of a “sociopath parading as a narcissist”) and it was the descriptions of a sociopath I found at Lovefraud that fit so well with my experience of the shock I had experienced of being “discarded.” But somehow, unlike many of the stories I had been reading, I hadn’t sensed that I had been completely “devalued.” (Discarded yes, but devalued?) That maybe my S was not such an S after all. (Later on I would read many entries in the site about those of us who are left wanting to still find hope in these kinds of situations, the appropriate and helpful reference to the Stockholm syndrome in particular). So I was, at that point, very hurt, very confused and still hopeful that love might still triumph. After all, I had never met someone so “nice” and fun to be with (at the beginning of course) and even after the hurt, it then still seemed worth “fixing.” (Part of me now thinks that having that kind sweet hope alive probably serves to help to cushion the extreme shock of what is plainly a hurtful and illogical abandonment.)
So I rose to the occasion, and again called on God to help back me up. It was at that two week time period after his “gotta go now” quick ending of our relationship that I sent one very kind and considerate email suggesting that perhaps that there had been a misunderstanding, that it seemed a shame to throw away all the fun and passionate friendship we had been enjoying so intently. In return, the next day, I received the most caustic, illogical, insulting and degrading note I have ever read from anyone. All I can say is THANK GOD I had found the Lovefraud.com site the week prior because as this horrible dark experience took such a sinister turn, I knew from reading your site enough to know that part of the equation, (the part that was missing) was the “devalued” part. I had been discarded the week before with not much of an explanation. And sure enough, I then had it in full force in front of me, the “devaluing” part, seething with vile and cold inequity.
His heartless letter was filled with twisted statements about my body that he thought revolted him (odd, since throughout the entire six months I was told over and over how desirable I was!) The rest of it was illogical too, the reasoning seemed childish, trivial and hurtful. But it set me free actually. I had prayed to God for strength and understanding. I had found this, God had indeed helped me to find the tools of understanding and knowledge through your site from experts and through the words of other survivors you have helped. Through reading your site, I was somewhat “protected” when this insane letter was received having been somewhat warned about how a sociopath might behave. It was the most startling realization, painful of course yet on the other hand, all the “pieces” of the puzzle now fit. I really can’t imagine how much worse the pain would have been without the good information I had found at Lovefruad.com. Thank you again for being there! Although it was one of the most damaging emotional things I have ever experienced, Lovefraud has been a real part of the silver lining in getting through this storm. The other part I guess is me… I did the hard part of walking through this and caring for myself enough to get my sanity back.
I can tell you this much too; as others have noted here, friends, ministers, group therapy and other places I have turned to did not quite provide the kind of human compassionate understanding I needed to help me through this over the last three months. I was going through days in which I was strong with my new understandings. Other days I was left trying to find even a shred of what my heart had been or felt like. I knew “no contact” was the only option even though I would still get urges to write and send things (new feelings of forgiveness, anger, or needing justice still surface from time to time.) Learning these kinds of individuals cannot change was also helpful. Over time, the hurt I experienced was less and less about my personal shortcomings (through his hurtful words that I had mistakenly held up against myself only adding fuel to his fire he started). Lovefraud helped initially for me to learn some basics about the behaviors (how to identify a sociopath, etc) \and then went even further to help me regain myself again, to learn this could be the start of a whole new positive change for me and my approach to relationships (which I also learned has been punctuated by somewhat similar encounters although nothing as awful as this last one). I am resolved now to keep seeking the truth in others and in myself. I won’t be so quick to be attracted to those with effortless charm and fearless impulsiveness or selfish motives, no matter how “successful” they might be in other areas of their lives. I have learned about my old pattern of picking out this kind of “successful” person from a crowd. I have learned about my own impulsiveness and (controlling) need to be a caretaker to someone emotionally unavailable. It can work in the short run but not for anything more substantial… like love.
That is where I am heading now, towards love, a shared love, and with luck I will find this. Lovefraud has helped and this is why I have taken time to write here, to express continued gratefulness for all those who make this site so helpful. My words are here for God too, as a prayer to share with Him my gratefulness during this recovery period, for His help and the strength he has given me to rise above the chaos with new insights and compassion for myself. To experience how I am able to take responsibility too for my own welfare, to be an active and (still) loving part in this process. God answered my prayer and I believe He will also answer others who ask and pray. (A higher power can do this, however you come to see this and whatever names you choose to use for it)…
To go one step further, my words here are also a prayer for those that are also, at this very moment, trying hard through very difficult times to find their own understanding and strength. I hope you find it and I hope you are also able to set yourself free from all that is cruel, careless and hurtful. (Please read all you can about this kind of disorder, it really helps to get past the hurt from being left in the dark.) We each have this power within us, it is up to each of us to find it and put it to good use!
I have been reading this blog for awhile now, and I have related to more than enough of the postings to know that I, very unfortunately, am going through my second sociopath breakup. My birthday was in August, and this posting made me feel like I wrote it but do not remember doing so!
Last year, with the help and love from my family, I moved across the entire country to move away from a sociopathic, steroid & cocaine using, abusive boyfriend. First step. You’d think I was strong and safe for that, right? It’s been 11 months of NC with him! Great for that, BUT…within the FIRST week of moving here, I met my current S, and there the story begins with my second sociopath, back-to-back.
2 weeks, the beginning of this last month. It was the longest time we hadn’t talked or seen each other (yeah, big deal I know!), but I had just moved to a new, beautiful apartment with a friend, and I felt like I was going to be ok. And then it started again. The texts, the emails, pictures of us from last year on vacation-begging to take me places he always promised but never came through with. he always knew how to prey on my weaknesses. But secretly, I loved it. I loved when he would start begging for me back. ALmost like I was just patiently waiting for him to come back. Sure, it was always painful when he would push me out of his life every other week like I was his toy he could fish with, but I would get through it because I always knew he would be sorry and come back. That was the pattern that I put up with, and was good enough for me, for over the past year +. So, eventually I gave in to ignoring him, and we hung out again. Of course it made me feel guilty, but he made me feel so desired.
So, my birthday was that week, and he said how much he wanted to take me out and spoil me. I even told my family (who all live on the East coast) as they called to wish me a great day, that I was hanging with him. I could hear that I was disappointing every one of them. But as usual, when it came to him, I ignored my selfish actions and hurt others as well as myself.
The day was great. (Or so I pretended on the outside but quietly disregarded the inner nagging of my conscience). He told me that he was ‘considering getting back together with me,’ and he said he told his sister about us hanging again. (During the last half of our realtionship I was a secret, since he would run and tell his family about every fight we got in, and make me look like the bad guy, so they disapproved). I thought that he was making the most effort he had in a long time. I thought we were finally going to get back together and etc., etc., etc.
Um, yeah, the very next day I asked him to hang out and I could hear in his voice that he was back to the same guy he always was. I told him nevermind-that I knew it just wasn’t going to change. And he agreed! He said he had been thinking about it all day and he “hopes he never sees or hears from me again, and that it lasted that long because he pitied me!”
He hasn’t come back. He hasn’t called, or written. Yesterday I went by his house because “I would still get urges to write and send things (new feelings of forgiveness, anger, or needing justice still surface from time to time.) ” to drop something off. Nothing important, but of course I wanted to see if that would somehow get him to come back. He was outside on the phone, saw me driving towards him and i could see in his face how mad he was that I was there. I handed him the package and drove away.
No thankyou, no anything. Its different this time. I think this time he has finally, and officially left. I also found out that he has been seeing another girl since April, among plenty others I have been aware of. I feel replaced, forgotten, DISCARDED. He is gone this time,(although i would still not put anything past him). And taken all of my pride, selfworth, and strength with him. Although, my sister who has heard it all, says that I’ve said ‘he’s not coming back this time’ about a dozen times. But I should be thankful, I know. I’m ok when I leave him, which is very rare that I even get the strength for that, but he always comes back and I give in. But then when he leaves me, I feel like i’ve just gotten my life ripped away. Yet I keep doing it to myself. I am part of the problem. NC is the only way. But I still feel like he left & abandoned me, and after all the cheating, lying, manipulating, emotional (and also the little physical) abuse, I still want him back! It’s just awful.
It’s about selfpride, worth, esteem, values, (ego too), maturity, acceptance, and love. I’m tired on worrying if or whether he ever cared for me. His last words to me after my birthday was that “he did care for me, but does not anymore. he has moved on and found peace.” Sure he did, just neverending hurtful and unneeded comments. He didn’t ever care, no matter what he says, and I have to accept that and rely on myself to heal my wounds.
I have realized in the past few weeks that I have placed too much of my life on words instead of actions. On men who are incapable of love, when what I truly need is to love myself. And at the present moment, that would be very hard to say that is true. How sad, I know. I have so much soulsearching and healing to do, and I have only just begun; And that sounds so scary to think about… but I don’t want to do this anymore. And I certainly do not want this pattern to continue. He became a sociopatic rebound from a sociopath. I don’t want it to happen again, and thank God I am too scared to even get near a guy right now. Life is too short and I am throwing it away on someone who doesn’t matter. On someone who has such an empty soul that he is parasiting off of the love I dream of knowing. Unfortunately, it is now just his ghost that is haunting me.
I want to thank everyone on this blog. I currently feel like I have no one else to turn to, as no one understands, or wants to hear any more about it, and this has utterly consumed me. I feel completely alone, and abandoned. At times, I feel in complete despair. I do have God in my life, but I even know myself that I do not involve Him enough. I know what I have to do, I just need to do it. NC! Time will heal. Thanks again….
Dear Presseject – I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can relate with every word you wrote. I am also kinda relieved and happy to see more gay men reaching out to lovefraud. I have been posting here for six months or more. I was involved with a sociopath, borderline personality disorderer guy, well he actually lived with me for 3 years. I t was 3 years of hell, a nightmare I can’t seem to wake up from. When I finally kicked him out the last time, he classically devalued and discarded me. I thought through out the relationship something was not right here and if I could just end this traumatic rollercoster ride i would be ok and go back to being myself. Well i was blindsided by the emotion’s that arose after he left. I fell into a deep depression, had constant anxiety. I lost twenty pounds. I had lost my identity. Donna Anderson – OX Drover and all the kind blogger’s here have helped me recover some of my sanity. I had to seek out therapy and anit depressant meds. I was grasping at straws for help. Never have i been so confused. I could go on and on about my X, but for the respect of my fellow bloggers i will not put them through that again. YOU have found a place to heal. It has been 5 month’s of NC, and it seems like yesterday that i kicked him to the curb. I by no mean’s am happy that you are here – but thank you for opening up and sharing your story, so much more eloquently than I ever could. And watch out for oxdrover’s iron skillit – she uses it very often to knock sense into us here at love fraud…….
You wonderful people have no idea how you are saving my life with your stories.The feelings of wanting to write, or forgive are so strong. I have to have no contact because to me my S is evil. He was the one to make me feel better until things took a turn for the worst. Controlling manipulative, hurtful, and anger was all that he gave in the end. Then he told me that something was wrong with me and that was just him like it or leave. I let my daughter get close to him as well,and now she is hurt too. Im frustrated at myself because I let him in….he was so nice. I am 4 weeks into no contact….everyday I think about him and why he had to change…why couldnt he be the nice guy I thought he was . One day at a time right? It will get better right?
Dear Presseject,
Thanks for the “rest of the story”—and for sharing so much of yourself, and as Henry said, so eloquently—but you don’t have to worry about my Iron Skillet, I reserve that for really “naughty boys”, like Henry! LOL But he’s doing better now and I am so glad, he and I both tend to get down on ourselves too much (in that case, I lend it to him to boink me with)
Selena, Great that you are 4 weeks NO CONTACT, that takes strength to do, but it also increases our strength!! You GO GIRL!
TOWANDA!!!! FOR US ALL!!!!
Presseject,
I was nodding my head while reading your story. I was only with my sociopath for 2 months, but during that time he managed to convince me that he was totally in love with me and wanted to spend his life with me. He discarded me the day after our most passionate encounter where I knew I had fallen in love with him. He had planned to bring his young daughter up for me to meet the next day. They were both going to stay over. He stood me up without a phone call. But the worst was to see him posting on our mutual reptile website (where we met) as if nothing was unusual. When I sent him a private message, he just blew me off. Then I got an email from him stating “I’m sorry; I have no excuse; I will always love you though”. It was his cowardly way of breaking up with me!!
Up until this day, I had never dated a sociopath before and had never seen these kinds of behaviors. I never reached out to him again, thankfully, so I never got to be devalued by him such as you did in that letter. But I felt devalued enough, the way I was discarded just as he had finally “hooked” me.
I belong to a dating site, and it is scary how many stories I read of women getting played like this, finding out their partners are trolling for women on the dating site behind their back.
Anyway, I understand your pain. I was suicidal for about a month after it happened, and I only knew him for 2-1/2 months. Of that time, we were not even dating for the first 3 weeks.
It has been a few months. I feel much stronger, but I think it wouldn’t take much to bring the pain back. So I’ve made a strict no-contact-ever rule with this guy.
StarG
selena = It does get better. I have not seen my X P in 5 month’s. I am not going to be gentle with ya. Get ready for some really tuff time’s. i remember when I had no appetite, i couldn’t eat, sleep, work, I could barely muster the will power to feed my dog’s. All I could do is think of him. Yeah i still let the creep camp in my head too much…But I am going to be ok and so will you. This is a life lesson don’t fail it…….
Selena,
It does get better, though it doesn’t seem like it right now. A month ago (about 3 weeks after the break-up) I went camping by myself. The purpose was to just get him out of my system. I found I could not take a breath without thinking about him. I fought the thoughts all weekend. I finally surrendered to the horrible pain and inadequacy I was feeling. I felt so powerless to change it, and it hurt so bad. I really just wanted to die, and it was hard to admit that to myself. I came home feeling like a train wreck. I can honestly say a month later that I am much much better. I even go through entire work days without the thought of him crossing my mind once. In fact, I think of him more out of habit these days. When I drift off to sleep at night and wake up in the morning, he is the farthest thing from my mind. Used to be just the opposite. Time really is a great healer. You will probably cry a lot and vent a lot. And eventually, it will be less and less.
A big hug,
StarG
letgo: the one thing that stuck from your post was ”no thank you.” i remember when my s/p would ask me…”can you lend me a few bucks?” even when i was unemployed i couldn’t say no because if i did he would say, ”that’s okay, i know where i can get it!” this meant, i will go with another woman if you don’t give it to me and out of fear, i would relent. he NEVER said thank you. toward the end, he would just take the cash and walk out without even acknowledging it. it wasn’t unusual for him to say, ”that’s all!?”
he promised for three years that he would take me to the beach to watch the sunset together. THREE years. and i STILL believed that he would! but because he knew that is what i wanted, he would purposely not do it.
no thank you’s. no apologies. no conscience. no boundaries.
that’s the sickness.
and the longer i stay away and objectify it, the easier it is to say:
TOWANDA!!! (as in: good riddance!)
Presseject:
Our experiences were similar. I am six months removed from my P exboyfriend. He kept telling me loved me, then, he told me he wanted to break up…I asked why…he took a job in NYC…he kept it a secret for 3.5 months…his dream job with a 6 figure salary…he still owes me $800 because I was supporting him. Then I found out about the cheating…6 months…right after my father died and before he asked me to live with him.
What is really creepy is how much he tried to change me and manipulate me. I have to admit, some of the ways he did, I have kept and would not change about myself…but in many ways there is NO WAY he was ever going to change me. I was assertive…articulated feelings…set boundaries (which he violated).
I always got “the look.” It was the “How dare you challenge my magnificence” look. My intuition about people is very strong…and I have to say…I was right.
Things that have helped me cope with the abuse was one, to acknowledge that I was abused. Then, to look for the pattern in my life….so far I have identified 7 N/P/S in my life over the last 10 years. Thirdly, I have chosen to place blame where it belongs–ON HIM/THEM. i did not choose them…they targeted me. Fourth, I read an article that said the love I felt from my P was actully the love I gave him reflected back. They are mirrors since they can’t feel…they don’t experience the love we give them. I realized I must be an amazing person if the love I gave someone felt that good! Then I decided to give it to myself. Afterall, I was feeling my own love for 10 months…why not keep giving it…it felt really good. The greatest lesson though was to trust myself…a new mantra I recite is “You are right….You are right.”
It is a great day when you can look at the devaluation, discard, and abandonment as a blessing. I exhaled a huge sigh of relief after the last time I went to NYC to see him, July 4 weekend. Two days later…I DREW THE BOUNDARY. I discarded him.
The only person I take care of right now is me…I’m pretty good at it…I’ve had so much practice. It is quite amazing to realize if we just refocus the resources we already have on ourselves, we have everything we need to heal. There is no magical cure we have to find…we already possess it. If someone I loved were hurting, I would comfort them. I am hurting…I give that comfort to myself. Etc.
I believe we give the gifts we are given. My P loved that. His appetite was vast. Somehow, I learned I was not allowed to give them to myself. My P showed me…I need to give to myself first and share the excess not give at the expense of myself. No matter what, there is plenty to share because I am not stunted like my P is.
The outlook for them is bleak…lonliness, depression, self-loathing. Mine…is pretty bright. I have insight, courage, power, resilience, a capacity for growth, and I rufuse to settle for less. My P gave me crumbs to sustain me…if you are always hungry you do anything for food.
Letgoletgod: Stop settling for crumbs girlfriend…you deserve a whole meal! WE ALL DO.
I gave my P control over his life. I have taken control of mine. A book I would offer as great comfort was written by the gay author, Oscar Wilde. It’s titled, THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GREY. It will make you feel many things, it’s art after all. But I think Oscar knew something about loving a N.
Powerten ( The Truth Will Set You Free – But First It Will Piss You Off!)