Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by Lovefraud reader “Presseject.” This is part two of his story. Part one was posted yesterday.
By Presseject
About two weeks after I confronted my S, there was a very dark day in which I was cut to pieces. I am okay now recalling it, but at that time, and for many weeks afterwards, it was like a knife in the heart. I would like to share a bit further with you the silver lining to this part of the story and how that relates to the good work you have done with the site. You see, it went like this:
I had my S visit and stay with me for my birthday weekend. He presented me with fun gifts and a card that included the words signed with “tons of love.” We had been dating for over six months at that point. (This included all the fun, spontaneous “impulsive” trips and arrangements including our visits to Miami, Key West, Palm Beach, Washington DC, New York City, Toronto, and London Ont.) But… while he was staying with me that last visit on my birthday, I happened to glance over at his laptop and saw a heading in his email program on a received email from what I thought was a dating website. So naturally I questioned it and I was told it was no one he knew, that sometimes he visited the site but wasn’t meeting anyone. A real nice birthday surprise!
After he went back, I found the site, having memorized the name of it in the email heading. To find his profile, I had to create one for myself. Once I did this, I saw he was very active at the site, logging in each day and the profile was marked as “looking for a relationship and/or one-on-one.” This left a sinking feeling in me. I thought we had a relationship, so again I needed to let him know it didn’t sit well with me. To do this though took even greater strength. I remember turning to God in prayer at that point to ask for that strength to find and face the truth, whatever it might be. And this was actually the beginning of my new relationship with God. Together with God’s help I knew I was going to get to the truth (I am still in this quest and I will continue this prayer) but little did I know it would turn my world inside out and leave me without the dream of love and feeling something others have described as being emotionally raped.
The day I after I spoke with him about my feelings about the site and his profile which he said calmly he’d “take into consideration,” he sent three typical friendly emails, pictures of himself with family, links to fun websites, nothing out of the ordinary. That evening though, he called and said it was over. He was going to try to find someone closer to where he lived possibly. He said he couldn’t explain me to his family although oddly, a few months prior, he had introduced me affectionately to each and every one of them! I was stunned and expressed my shock, especially after all the birthday gifts and words of love shared the week before. That sinking feeling was the Titanic going down then. To be discarded so quickly without much of a sound reason was baffling and horrible all at the same time.
Somehow I had the sense (when all seemed like chaos and NO sense) to google “personality disorder” along with the word “relationship” about a week after that. It led to the various sites on narcissism that seemed to give hints at what had just happened. (I learned to do searches excluding the words “Sam,” “Vaknin” and “Malignant” after a while). A close friend soon suggested the idea of a sociopath to me. (I still very much like the description one visitor has offered at Lovefraud of a “sociopath parading as a narcissist”) and it was the descriptions of a sociopath I found at Lovefraud that fit so well with my experience of the shock I had experienced of being “discarded.” But somehow, unlike many of the stories I had been reading, I hadn’t sensed that I had been completely “devalued.” (Discarded yes, but devalued?) That maybe my S was not such an S after all. (Later on I would read many entries in the site about those of us who are left wanting to still find hope in these kinds of situations, the appropriate and helpful reference to the Stockholm syndrome in particular). So I was, at that point, very hurt, very confused and still hopeful that love might still triumph. After all, I had never met someone so “nice” and fun to be with (at the beginning of course) and even after the hurt, it then still seemed worth “fixing.” (Part of me now thinks that having that kind sweet hope alive probably serves to help to cushion the extreme shock of what is plainly a hurtful and illogical abandonment.)
So I rose to the occasion, and again called on God to help back me up. It was at that two week time period after his “gotta go now” quick ending of our relationship that I sent one very kind and considerate email suggesting that perhaps that there had been a misunderstanding, that it seemed a shame to throw away all the fun and passionate friendship we had been enjoying so intently. In return, the next day, I received the most caustic, illogical, insulting and degrading note I have ever read from anyone. All I can say is THANK GOD I had found the Lovefraud.com site the week prior because as this horrible dark experience took such a sinister turn, I knew from reading your site enough to know that part of the equation, (the part that was missing) was the “devalued” part. I had been discarded the week before with not much of an explanation. And sure enough, I then had it in full force in front of me, the “devaluing” part, seething with vile and cold inequity.
His heartless letter was filled with twisted statements about my body that he thought revolted him (odd, since throughout the entire six months I was told over and over how desirable I was!) The rest of it was illogical too, the reasoning seemed childish, trivial and hurtful. But it set me free actually. I had prayed to God for strength and understanding. I had found this, God had indeed helped me to find the tools of understanding and knowledge through your site from experts and through the words of other survivors you have helped. Through reading your site, I was somewhat “protected” when this insane letter was received having been somewhat warned about how a sociopath might behave. It was the most startling realization, painful of course yet on the other hand, all the “pieces” of the puzzle now fit. I really can’t imagine how much worse the pain would have been without the good information I had found at Lovefruad.com. Thank you again for being there! Although it was one of the most damaging emotional things I have ever experienced, Lovefraud has been a real part of the silver lining in getting through this storm. The other part I guess is me… I did the hard part of walking through this and caring for myself enough to get my sanity back.
I can tell you this much too; as others have noted here, friends, ministers, group therapy and other places I have turned to did not quite provide the kind of human compassionate understanding I needed to help me through this over the last three months. I was going through days in which I was strong with my new understandings. Other days I was left trying to find even a shred of what my heart had been or felt like. I knew “no contact” was the only option even though I would still get urges to write and send things (new feelings of forgiveness, anger, or needing justice still surface from time to time.) Learning these kinds of individuals cannot change was also helpful. Over time, the hurt I experienced was less and less about my personal shortcomings (through his hurtful words that I had mistakenly held up against myself only adding fuel to his fire he started). Lovefraud helped initially for me to learn some basics about the behaviors (how to identify a sociopath, etc) \and then went even further to help me regain myself again, to learn this could be the start of a whole new positive change for me and my approach to relationships (which I also learned has been punctuated by somewhat similar encounters although nothing as awful as this last one). I am resolved now to keep seeking the truth in others and in myself. I won’t be so quick to be attracted to those with effortless charm and fearless impulsiveness or selfish motives, no matter how “successful” they might be in other areas of their lives. I have learned about my old pattern of picking out this kind of “successful” person from a crowd. I have learned about my own impulsiveness and (controlling) need to be a caretaker to someone emotionally unavailable. It can work in the short run but not for anything more substantial… like love.
That is where I am heading now, towards love, a shared love, and with luck I will find this. Lovefraud has helped and this is why I have taken time to write here, to express continued gratefulness for all those who make this site so helpful. My words are here for God too, as a prayer to share with Him my gratefulness during this recovery period, for His help and the strength he has given me to rise above the chaos with new insights and compassion for myself. To experience how I am able to take responsibility too for my own welfare, to be an active and (still) loving part in this process. God answered my prayer and I believe He will also answer others who ask and pray. (A higher power can do this, however you come to see this and whatever names you choose to use for it)…
To go one step further, my words here are also a prayer for those that are also, at this very moment, trying hard through very difficult times to find their own understanding and strength. I hope you find it and I hope you are also able to set yourself free from all that is cruel, careless and hurtful. (Please read all you can about this kind of disorder, it really helps to get past the hurt from being left in the dark.) We each have this power within us, it is up to each of us to find it and put it to good use!
Again, I agree with Oxy. I also know from my heart of hearts … if they didn’t need to swindle and con, they wouldn’t do it. That shows you the immaturity of who and what they really are, CHILDREN in adult bodies … doing what they can and anything they can to SURVIVE. Believe me when I say this … we don’t know anyone else’s crosses they carry … we don’t know why they are in this mindset, their fears, their horrors… except they do believe and trust in their own egos and the are LOST … instead of believing in our creator and focusing on God. Period.
Pray for them to get closer to God. They are lost CHILDREN, fearing this world … and don’t take them seriously when the gloat and laugh about what they do, that too is an act (another mask) they put on so you don’t see their FEAR. Pray for them and God will take it from there. Put all your worries in God’s hands. God wants us to do this.
I know what I am going to paraphrase is going to be confusing … but read it just the same … go onto the site I listed and read it in it’s entirety … there are links from that site to other quotes from the Bible, read those too.
Possessions Are Less Important than Love (6:30)
“Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back” (6:31).
Verse 31 follows along in the same vein as vs. 29. When our enemy seeks to take what we own, we are to STILL love him.
Our love is to transcend evil deeds. That is Jesus’ point.
Does Jesus mean that we are to give to every beggar or con man we meet? Of course not. He expects us to be good stewards of our money. The point is how we treat our enemies, the radical way we love them.
and,
Refuse to Retaliate (6:29)
“If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic” (6:29)
Though Jesus’ instruction to turn the other cheek is intended in the arena with a sworn enemy, the principle applies to every area of our lives.
Don’t retaliate.
Don’t hit back.
Don’t move from a position of prayerful love for your enemy to a drop-down, drag-out fight.
Love doesn’t retaliate.
Love seeks the enemy’s good (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
The second command is harder yet to understand.
“If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic” (6:29b).
But the principle is the same — after all, this is Hebrew parallelism.
When your enemy takes your cloak, remember that you love him.
You are praying for him.
You are blessing him and seeking his good.
Don’t get grabby and nasty and accusing.
You love him, remember?
Let him have your tunic also.
I know this is confusing in our day and age.
You don’t think you can do that.
I don’t think you can, either.
But with the Spirit of Jesus working through you he can teach you to love your enemies — even at their ugliest.
And we would quibble over a cloak or a tunic?
Jesus is seeking to train disciples to think and act and love like he does.
Turning the other cheek is indeed what he did as the soldiers spat on him and flogged him, and jammed a thorny crown into his scalp and mocked him as king.
Was he tempted to retaliate.
Yes! But he didn’t. Why? He loved them.
That is the radical lesson of verse 29.
And if you’ll do good when you find opportunities, and bless when you think of them, and pray and intercede earnestly before the Lord, you’ll find that God will begin to put love in your heart toward your enemies. Actual love. Sometimes loving emotions, too.
You see, Jesus is out to create an army of disciples that look at enemies as he and his Father look at them. As people to love and care for. People to provide rain for. People to die for. Jesus is out to change you and me. And obeying Jesus’ commands in these verses, along with the working of the Holy Spirit in our hearts, will accomplish just that.
Of course there is more to read than what I pulled out, took out of context …. just to give you an example of what Jesus wants for us.
Put your faith in God … keep following God and how God wants you to live.
Living life down on Earth is a blessing to experience human form but it also is a test to show how love for God.
Read all of this on the givers and takers site. The site is for the heads of the churches to comprehend human nature while working with the followers of our Lord:
http://www.abusefacts.com/articles/Givers-Takers.php
Peace.
Hi Ox & Wini: I agree with everything both of you wrote. I believe in God and in faith. I believe he has a purpose for all that happens to us. And believing in turning the other cheek.
I also believe in devine intervention. Had there not been the clues left behind to identify the OW, I would not have been able to recover the car. . or the condo. I’m not out for revenge. I just want my condo back and to walk away from the past. God will take care of the ex in his own way.
Today, i received a text from the ex asking if I sent the paperwork for him to sign the deed back. I texted he should receive it today. I wish I didn’t have to resort to blackmail by letting him know I would contact the OW and ask for her to help me, but it was a last resort. I cannot trust this person to do the honorable right thing. He never has. I watched him work at his game for 2 years telling the x-wife to just send the divorce papers and I’ll sign them. He still hasn’t signed those papers. What makes me think he would voluntarily sign the deed back? I can’t let that happen to me. 2 years down the road if I want to sell the place, i’d have to track him down and beg for him to sign off. Once we got into an argument and he wanted to move out but had no $. He asked me to take out a loan so he could get his own place. I asked him to sign off last year when he was questioning marriage and he said no.
If these people are like children, shouldn’t we be good parents and show them right from wrong? Shouldn’t I show him he can’t keep his name on the condo because it’s not right? He’s so twisted that when I told him he had to give the car back he said, “now do the right thing and let me keep the car.” He is unable to reason right from wrong. After I got the car, I told him I would contact the bank to see how to take his name off as a co-signer on the loan. His response, “sorry. my name stays on the loan.” I told him he is not thinking straight. That he is with someone else now and there is no reason for his name to be on my loan. He thinks these things are ok to do.
He says he is trying to get closer to God and do the right things in life. I told him he needs to ask himself his motivations for doing things in his life and if he finds that his motivations are out of greed or selfishness then he is choosing wrong. That stopped him cold. No response. I tried so hard to talk to him about right from wrong. There is just no reasoning with this fellow. The only thing that registers is blackmail. All he knows is if he doesn’t comply, there is the risk the OW will find out and he won’t have a roof over his head.
I don’t hate my ex…I don’t hate the OW. I don’t love them either. I am just trying to get untangled from the web. I think of a spider who has a lot of flies stuck in there. He sucks the life out of one and when he’s through…goes to the next. My old phone bill is filled with calls he made to other women.
Wini & Ox: You know we are all sinners and no one is perfect. It’s in the Bible judge not lest you be judged. I did acknowledge this right after the breakup. Even though the soc told me he was going to file an annulment from his wife and marry me, I was still committing adultry because he is married. I was still committing a sin. I had this conversation with is wife who i contacted after the breakup. She said to me, woman to woman, “you knew he was married and you should have not gone there.” Of course I apologized and told her the lie he said to me..that it was over with them…but that did not whitewash the sin I committed. She is very spiritual and we had several conversations. I like her a lot. She was another victim of his too. We found comfort sharing our stories. This taught me a hard lesson. Never will I entertain going with any guy who tells me he is getting divorced. The line he gave the woman he is with now was one along the lines of that he is living with someone but things aren’t working out. Who knows what else he told her. But she is still doing what I did….committing adultry with a married man. This never turns out well. I guess we need to date the person a long long time to get to know him first. A LONG LONG time.
Dear Iwonder,
Everyone in the world has done something they knew was wrong and chose to do it anyway.
As far as dating married me, the thing is “if he will cheat on her, he will cheat on YOU!” So that is one thing I have always steered away from (if I knew).
“Teaching them right from wrong” isn’t the point, I don’t think, because they KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG, they just do what they WANT to EVEN IF IT IS WRONG. My P-son knew it was wrong (by the world’.s standards) to kill the girl he killed, but he thinks that “the rules don’t apply to me–I’m special, I’m better than the rest of the world, so their rules of right and wrong don’t apply.” He isn’t even sorry he did it, he GLOATS about doing it. “Showed that bitch”—with an attitude like that, they are not open to “learning” to do what is right, they don’t WANT to do what is right, only what they think they can get away with.
Of course he got caught robbing (at first) and went to court, but didn’t learn from that, so he thought “now I will get away with itthis time, I learned”—got caught again, went to prison that time, got out, and within a few weeks was robbing again, and when the girl was going to turn him in, he “KILLED HER— teach that “bitch to snitch on him.” Of course, he got caught for killing her (talk about a STUPID plan to kill her) The cops aren’t near as dumb as he thinks they are, and he is not nearly as smart as he thinks he is. But has he learned that killing is not a good idea? NOPE–tried to have me killed. Got caught at it again! Did he learn? NOPE again! He wants what he wants and wants everyone to do what he says. He wants control of the world. Not gonna get it from me.
But the main thing I think is if you are dating someone or they are your friend, whatever the relationship is, WATCH HOW THEY TREAT OTHERS….and that’s the way they will treat YOU. Are they always angry at others, are they always treating wait staff, or clerks nasty? Do they seem to think that they are “better than everyone else” or that they “deserve special consideration over others?” At the very least, you have got someone who is DISHONEST, and SELF CENTERED.
Do you really want someone who is dishonest and self centered in your life? Not me.
Honest people put their “money where their mouth is” and they “act consistently honest”—people who cheat a little here and cheat a little there, etc. or act like “Fast Eddie”—they are not the kind of people I want in my life.
It may be as simple a thing as when a clerk gives them too much change by accident. Do they give it back, or walk out chuckling about how the stupid clerk gave them $20 too much change? Well, that “stupid clerk” made an error and at the end of the day that “stupid clerk” single mother is going to have to pull money out of her pocket to make up for the shortage or lose her job.
The Bible tells us to “treat others as you would have them treat you.” Would you want a customer to keep extra money if you gave them the wrong change by accident?
Being honest, expecting others to be honest, and not associating with people that are dishonest is a good way of life. Of course others will not always live up to your expectation of honesty, but once you see that a person is dishonest with someone else (or with you) WHY for goodness sakes do you want that kind of a person in your life.
I used to give people a lot of “rope” and “over look” some things, but NO MORE–from now on, one, that is UNO, ONE, LIE and they are OUT of my circle of TRUST. (Except for kids), I have never had an adult that lied to me that didn’t continue to lie, even if I called them on it, and they “apologized” etc. EVERY adult that I have given a second chance after a LIE has lied to me again and again and again.
I’m glad I’m not Jesus. I have struggled a lot with my relationship with the Lord since I’ve been used and abused so much while I was busy turning the other cheek. Now I am not mean to anybody, I forgive and lend to the idiots that hurt me.. sometimes
But I don’t let anyone threaten my security. Nobody’s name goes on any of my stuff, lease, whatever.. and I don’t sign anyone else’s. This is a policy I’ve had for many years, since I first began to extricate myself from my first husband. Now I have a college degree and my own apt., my kids don’t have to change schools twice a year anymore, I don’t have to switch car insurance companies, banks, and utilities anymore. I’m very poor, but everything I have is my own.
OMG OX! I couldn’t even imagine killing another human being. I’m so sad you had to go through the pain and suffering over what your son did. It’s so bizarre that people sometimes think a person’s actions is caused by the way the parent(s) brought him/her up. Even all the love in the world from parents can’t change the make-up of a person’s being..their soul. My dad was always prejudice and not very nice…but i always knew in my soul he was wrong; even if he was my dad.
I wish God would have marked us all in someway..like stick a big “G” on the foreheads of people that were Good and a “B” for bad people. It would be so much easier to navigate the waters of life.
I read somewhere in the Bible that God allows evil to roam the earth but I better go read some more because I missed the part where it says why this is so.
I’m glad all of the people who post on this site have an opportunity to share thoughts. Could you imagine if there was a site for sociopaths to post and share their stories? That would be mind-boggling.
Kat: Jesus has a tough job. He was poor too. We can’t take our things with us when we go. There is a story of a rich man who asked Jesus, “how do I get to heaven? “I obey the commandments and God.” Jesus told the rich man to sell everything he has and to follow him. The rich man couldn’t do it. He couldn’t part with his possessions. Now I’m struggling with that story. Am I supposed to just give up my home to the sociopath?
I wonder if these unfortunate experiences were thrown at us to wake us up…to pay attention to the words written in the Bible? For us to grow spiritually? I never really tried so hard in my life to look to God for answers before.
God be with us all. Peace.
Dear Iwonder: I thought God should have made them all the color of slime green … so we knew who we what we were dealing with (LOL) aka the movie “The Mask”.
Peace.
Dear Iwonder: There is a post where psychopaths share their stories … it’s called the movies, MTV, regular scheduled programming, books … the world is their blog. Did I mention advertising?
That’s why you have to read between the lines, pay attention to what is being played in the movies, TV, heard in the music of the world … it’s there, loud and clear.
That’s why in today’s day and age … the battle of good versus evil is so fierce and so refined. Earth is their playing field .. your faith is what keeps you focused on God and all that God is about. That’s why they are so ruthless to you, smile to your faces, take you for their rides, drop you in the garbage can when they are finished with you, on to the next faithful person trusting in the Lord … and so on and so forth … the saga continues.
Peace.
My EX is well groomed, well spoken, kind, considerate, loving, will make you a birthday cake for your birthday. Make a special dinner just for you. Do the dishes, do the laundry, take out the garbage. He opens the car door for you, helps you on with your coat, pulls the chair out for you to sit down, he’ll rub your feet, pour you a bubble bath, carry your Bible to church as he walks arm in arm with you. Holds your hand while walking and gazing into store windows. Will sit in a department store while you model the clothes for him. He is soft when he speaks, never argues, always proper in his discussions with you, will walk out of the room during an argument and come back later to ask how you are doing, he treats other well. And he’s an anti-social personality. Took me for everything I worked for in the last 30 years. Left me penniless.
Moral of the story, they come in all sizes, shapes, colors, attitudes. Don’t think the down and out are the anti-socials of the world. They are the leaders of industry, bank presidents, secretaries, professionals, all types of companies have them. They look and act like you and me. That’s who they are. Heck, they could be the little old lady just trying to get her cat out of the tree and pour a glass of ice tea for the nice policeman or fireman who rescued her poor fluffy. Then the follow week we read about her in the papers and all the bodies the uncovered that were buried in her garden… and the tree where her cat was rescued was the snapshot in the headlines.
Just open your eyes, keep your hearts and minds focused on God. It’s going to be a bumpy road.
Peace.
Dear Iwonder: It’s like oil and water. Never do the two mix. They do wrong because they want to do wrong. We do what’s right because we want to do what’s right. Period.
Both my vehicles are in his name … because I thought I was protecting myself from my bosses that were destroying one of my vehicles while I parked on the lot at work. They all played me, every single one of them.
I haven’t driven since January 1, 2007. It’s now September 17, 2008. I haven’t the money to pay for insurance, registration . So I haven’t driven.
My EX lives near Galveston, TX … do you think his new house in under water? God does work in mysterious ways.
I’m not concerned about him … he will find a new victim and start all over … new car, new house, new life … and the saga continues.
Peace.