Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by Lovefraud reader “Presseject.” This is part two of his story. Part one was posted yesterday.
By Presseject
About two weeks after I confronted my S, there was a very dark day in which I was cut to pieces. I am okay now recalling it, but at that time, and for many weeks afterwards, it was like a knife in the heart. I would like to share a bit further with you the silver lining to this part of the story and how that relates to the good work you have done with the site. You see, it went like this:
I had my S visit and stay with me for my birthday weekend. He presented me with fun gifts and a card that included the words signed with “tons of love.” We had been dating for over six months at that point. (This included all the fun, spontaneous “impulsive” trips and arrangements including our visits to Miami, Key West, Palm Beach, Washington DC, New York City, Toronto, and London Ont.) But… while he was staying with me that last visit on my birthday, I happened to glance over at his laptop and saw a heading in his email program on a received email from what I thought was a dating website. So naturally I questioned it and I was told it was no one he knew, that sometimes he visited the site but wasn’t meeting anyone. A real nice birthday surprise!
After he went back, I found the site, having memorized the name of it in the email heading. To find his profile, I had to create one for myself. Once I did this, I saw he was very active at the site, logging in each day and the profile was marked as “looking for a relationship and/or one-on-one.” This left a sinking feeling in me. I thought we had a relationship, so again I needed to let him know it didn’t sit well with me. To do this though took even greater strength. I remember turning to God in prayer at that point to ask for that strength to find and face the truth, whatever it might be. And this was actually the beginning of my new relationship with God. Together with God’s help I knew I was going to get to the truth (I am still in this quest and I will continue this prayer) but little did I know it would turn my world inside out and leave me without the dream of love and feeling something others have described as being emotionally raped.
The day I after I spoke with him about my feelings about the site and his profile which he said calmly he’d “take into consideration,” he sent three typical friendly emails, pictures of himself with family, links to fun websites, nothing out of the ordinary. That evening though, he called and said it was over. He was going to try to find someone closer to where he lived possibly. He said he couldn’t explain me to his family although oddly, a few months prior, he had introduced me affectionately to each and every one of them! I was stunned and expressed my shock, especially after all the birthday gifts and words of love shared the week before. That sinking feeling was the Titanic going down then. To be discarded so quickly without much of a sound reason was baffling and horrible all at the same time.
Somehow I had the sense (when all seemed like chaos and NO sense) to google “personality disorder” along with the word “relationship” about a week after that. It led to the various sites on narcissism that seemed to give hints at what had just happened. (I learned to do searches excluding the words “Sam,” “Vaknin” and “Malignant” after a while). A close friend soon suggested the idea of a sociopath to me. (I still very much like the description one visitor has offered at Lovefraud of a “sociopath parading as a narcissist”) and it was the descriptions of a sociopath I found at Lovefraud that fit so well with my experience of the shock I had experienced of being “discarded.” But somehow, unlike many of the stories I had been reading, I hadn’t sensed that I had been completely “devalued.” (Discarded yes, but devalued?) That maybe my S was not such an S after all. (Later on I would read many entries in the site about those of us who are left wanting to still find hope in these kinds of situations, the appropriate and helpful reference to the Stockholm syndrome in particular). So I was, at that point, very hurt, very confused and still hopeful that love might still triumph. After all, I had never met someone so “nice” and fun to be with (at the beginning of course) and even after the hurt, it then still seemed worth “fixing.” (Part of me now thinks that having that kind sweet hope alive probably serves to help to cushion the extreme shock of what is plainly a hurtful and illogical abandonment.)
So I rose to the occasion, and again called on God to help back me up. It was at that two week time period after his “gotta go now” quick ending of our relationship that I sent one very kind and considerate email suggesting that perhaps that there had been a misunderstanding, that it seemed a shame to throw away all the fun and passionate friendship we had been enjoying so intently. In return, the next day, I received the most caustic, illogical, insulting and degrading note I have ever read from anyone. All I can say is THANK GOD I had found the Lovefraud.com site the week prior because as this horrible dark experience took such a sinister turn, I knew from reading your site enough to know that part of the equation, (the part that was missing) was the “devalued” part. I had been discarded the week before with not much of an explanation. And sure enough, I then had it in full force in front of me, the “devaluing” part, seething with vile and cold inequity.
His heartless letter was filled with twisted statements about my body that he thought revolted him (odd, since throughout the entire six months I was told over and over how desirable I was!) The rest of it was illogical too, the reasoning seemed childish, trivial and hurtful. But it set me free actually. I had prayed to God for strength and understanding. I had found this, God had indeed helped me to find the tools of understanding and knowledge through your site from experts and through the words of other survivors you have helped. Through reading your site, I was somewhat “protected” when this insane letter was received having been somewhat warned about how a sociopath might behave. It was the most startling realization, painful of course yet on the other hand, all the “pieces” of the puzzle now fit. I really can’t imagine how much worse the pain would have been without the good information I had found at Lovefruad.com. Thank you again for being there! Although it was one of the most damaging emotional things I have ever experienced, Lovefraud has been a real part of the silver lining in getting through this storm. The other part I guess is me… I did the hard part of walking through this and caring for myself enough to get my sanity back.
I can tell you this much too; as others have noted here, friends, ministers, group therapy and other places I have turned to did not quite provide the kind of human compassionate understanding I needed to help me through this over the last three months. I was going through days in which I was strong with my new understandings. Other days I was left trying to find even a shred of what my heart had been or felt like. I knew “no contact” was the only option even though I would still get urges to write and send things (new feelings of forgiveness, anger, or needing justice still surface from time to time.) Learning these kinds of individuals cannot change was also helpful. Over time, the hurt I experienced was less and less about my personal shortcomings (through his hurtful words that I had mistakenly held up against myself only adding fuel to his fire he started). Lovefraud helped initially for me to learn some basics about the behaviors (how to identify a sociopath, etc) \and then went even further to help me regain myself again, to learn this could be the start of a whole new positive change for me and my approach to relationships (which I also learned has been punctuated by somewhat similar encounters although nothing as awful as this last one). I am resolved now to keep seeking the truth in others and in myself. I won’t be so quick to be attracted to those with effortless charm and fearless impulsiveness or selfish motives, no matter how “successful” they might be in other areas of their lives. I have learned about my old pattern of picking out this kind of “successful” person from a crowd. I have learned about my own impulsiveness and (controlling) need to be a caretaker to someone emotionally unavailable. It can work in the short run but not for anything more substantial… like love.
That is where I am heading now, towards love, a shared love, and with luck I will find this. Lovefraud has helped and this is why I have taken time to write here, to express continued gratefulness for all those who make this site so helpful. My words are here for God too, as a prayer to share with Him my gratefulness during this recovery period, for His help and the strength he has given me to rise above the chaos with new insights and compassion for myself. To experience how I am able to take responsibility too for my own welfare, to be an active and (still) loving part in this process. God answered my prayer and I believe He will also answer others who ask and pray. (A higher power can do this, however you come to see this and whatever names you choose to use for it)…
To go one step further, my words here are also a prayer for those that are also, at this very moment, trying hard through very difficult times to find their own understanding and strength. I hope you find it and I hope you are also able to set yourself free from all that is cruel, careless and hurtful. (Please read all you can about this kind of disorder, it really helps to get past the hurt from being left in the dark.) We each have this power within us, it is up to each of us to find it and put it to good use!
Dear besameanne,
Welcome sister. We’re practically neighbors, LOL. I’m in central Missouri.
Be prepared my dear. No contact is definitely the ONLY option; however, do NOT expect that it will completely take the wind out of his sails.
Some of them also HATE to be ignored. They get very upset when you stop “playing the game,” and they can’t push your buttons, abuse you, see the results of their scare tactics, or have their usual dose of the drama they are so addicted to.
Some seem to go find it elsewhere, (pity the next victim). Others obsess with their lost “item” (you). They will have periods of “good behavior” but DON’T let your guard down. Even if it seems they have changed, they have not. They are just changing strategies temporarily. Think of predators in the wild, changing directions while tracking their prey. When they get it, they devour it just the same.
I speak from experience. I’ve been separated from mine almost 5 years, divorced for one year. He’s not physically stalking and abusive but instead does it behind the scenes, through our children, in our community, etc. I do all necessary communication, (i.e. about the kids), by email if at ALL POSSIBLE because he is verbally abusive. If I absolutely cannot avoid phone or personal contact I record EVERYHING. Radio Shack had everything I needed to record the voice mails and my return calls. This is important; otherwise it’s my word against his. Since he is a public servant around here people who don’t know him well think he’s a great guy.
If you don’t already Journal, it’s a great tool for self help, (and record keeping on them).
I guess what I’m saying is…don’t underestimate their sickness and what they are capable of. They don’t think like “normal” people and their motivation is NOT like ours. Keep reading everything you can about Sociopaths and Narcissists. Educate yourself. This will be one of your best defenses against this predator and help you recognize any you may meet in the future. AND ABOVE ALL, PROTECT YOURSELF AND NURTURE YOURSELF. Take you back.
Keep reading and blogging with us. It’s helps ALOT to know you are not alone and it helps to validate your experiences in your own mind. This is important in learning to love yourself again.
(((((HUGS)))))
Dear Besameanne and Kat,
The horrible part is that WE GAVE THEM THE POWER TO HURT US by loving them, but the GOOD NEWS IS that we CAN TAKE THAT POWER BACK.
If you are 5 ft tall and another person is 8 ft tall and has a big stick, they have power over us and no matter how we fight we can’t win, BUT with EMOTIONAL rather than physical power, WE ARE JUST AS BIG, IF NOT BIGGER THAN THEY ARE, and NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT EMOTIONAL POWER UNLESS WE GIVE IT TO THEM.
My mother had an “emotional strangle hold” on me, because I loved and worst of all TRUSTED her. She was my mother for goodness sakes, I THOUGHT she loved me, and I loved her. Any time there was a confilct, I always ALWAYS gave her the benefit of the doubt. If I thought she said XYZ, and she said “No, I said ABC” instead of thinking, SHE LIED, I always said to myself “Well, I must have heard her wrong.” It NEVER OCCURED TO ME THAT SHE WOULD LIE TO ME. W*R*O*N*G!!!! She was a hell of a liar!
When I first found out she was a liar, that she really could and did and would LIE TO ME, and worse, didn’t care a rat’s behind if I lived or died as long as her Golden Grandson got to come home from prison and live with her before she died….once I got that through my head, I TOOK BACK THE POWER SHE HAD TO HURT ME. No Contact keeps her from reinjuring me until I can get to the point that maybe someday I can see her and still not let her hurt me, but I KNOW I AM SAFE with No contact.
Now, the shoe is on the other foot, I AM STRONGER THAN SHE IS, she NO LONGER HAS THE POWER TO MAKE ME CARE, or to hurt me more. I have tried all my life to please her, make her proud of me, and somehow, no matter what, it didn’t work. SO I TOOK BACK HER POWER TO HURT ME.
I know what you mean too, Kat, about the things they say to DELIBERATELY hurt you. Once, before all this drama got into the worst of the deal, she “accused” me of trying to “get her money” then later she called back to “apologize” (fake apology that was supposed to make me pretend none of the fight happened) ane she said “I REALLY DIDN’T MEAN THAT, I JUST SAID IT TO HURT YOU.” That was the FIRST inkling that I had that she would DELIBERATELY do anything to hurt me. Her “apology” and “explination” hurt worse than if she had really meant it. The fact that she would deliberately say something FOR THE PURPOSE OF HURTING ME, was devestating to me. Now, looking back, I can see she has done it many times, but at the times they happened, I gave her the “benefit of the doubt” or “excused” it—-NEW RULE: “If you love me, no matter how mad you get at me, you NEVER say or do anything for the PURPOSE of hurting me.” Violate that rule and OUT OF MY LIFE, JERK!
TOWANDA! GUYS AND GALS!!! TAKE BACK YOUR POWER!
besameanne: I wrote it before on this blog and I will write it again for you. Just because you don’t attend church (community) doesn’t mean you do not have God’s influence in your life. If you have morals and ethics, your family passed that wisdom down to you. How? They attended church. These are God’s virtues taught to you, generation after generation.
The breakdown in attendance with the churches was what others endured over the past 50 years … and I don’t have to mention all the headlines. But the priests who harmed church going folks are people. Just people with major flaws, most likely like our EXs. We need to get beyond what these people did to hurt others and focus on God. Who and what God is to us, to the universe as a whole.
I’ll go into detail later, I have to scoot right now.
Peace.
That’s why I keep telling you Oxy, you are the highest level of surviving this atrocity from your childhood (both parents) working their narcissistic (and whatever else they were labeled) selfishness and manipulation of your little soul … year after year.
I can’t imagine it.
It was bad enough for me having to deal with the one on ones in my age bracket than to have to deal with adults doing this to me.
I didn’t find out about the adult version until friends explained their parents …. then of course my co-workers first, then my bosses and their cronies …. all in the 50s, 60s and still going strong with lip service and not doing anything. The bosses I did battle with fired all the real bosses years earlier and took over the place. Put their cronies with the same anti-social personalities in all the right places … and then it was off to the gas chambers. Except, I put a squash to their fifdoms. I wouldn’t back down.
Wini,
While there are various “levels” of psychopaths (in my opinion) from OBVIOUS ones to ones that are “incognito”–stay tile “Ted Bundy” who was “Mr. Nice guy” on the surface and to those people he worked with (AnnRule) but in secret he was a MONSTER, there are also the people like Charlie Manson that take pleasure in being “Evil” and obvious about it. I think the most difficult ones are the ones that pretend to love you but they secretly screw up your reality by convincing you that they are “helping” you. If they would just bust you in the mouth with their fist, you would eventually catch on, but by pretending to “love you” and not overtly abusing you, just using gaslighting to drive your reality over the cliff, you know you heart but you aren’t sure why. If tht makes any sense.
That’s kind of what was going on with my mother, she blind sided me until the final discarding me for my DIL, The Trojan Horse P, and my P-son. Even looking back on it, now tht I can see things more clearly and less emotionally, it was like she was “cheating on me” behind my back, and when I took her to court, it was like a “divorce” almost. OF course after her “lovers” got arrested then she wanted to “kiss and make up” and “pretend none of it ever happened”–It is funny, too, that I never saw it before as like an “affair” and a “divorce.” But boy, did I get “screwed”—but sure not made love to. LOL
Oh, well, it’s water under the bridge at this point, but in the end, I think it was all a blessing from God. To tell you the truth, I feel like I have had a ball and chain cut off my leg.
In RETROSPECT, I think we will all come to the conclusion eventually as we heal that NO MATTER WHAT THEY COST US in terms of money and pain, that WE ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT THEM. That whatever the PRICE we had to pay for the “lesson” and getting away from them, it will ultimately turn out to have been a bargain.
OxDrover,
Thanks!
Your last 2 sentences are full of wisdom that we can all benefit from…
Tough times never last, tough people do…
I cannot think of anything tougher than dealing with a sociopath… I cannot think of a greater test of spiritual strength and endurance than surviving one!
May God be with us all!!
I know Oxy. My point is, let them work and play in a safe environment … not making it to the top powers to play games with our lives. There has to be a solution that is a win/win for everyone involved … them and us.
I look at what my EX took from me. That was 30 years of my working to save … and he smiled to my face, made promises and pissed all my money up a rope. Now common. The guy belongs in prison. Period. But, oh, noooooooooooooo. All I get from the cops and everyone is prove it. Prove this, you morons.
All I’m saying is … let them have a little piece of the world … go live there … play your cons and such on the same kind as you. They won’t cry about it, cause they can’t cry. We do.
Peace.
Dear Sweet wini,
You are ever the optimist–a BLOOMING OPTIMIST!!! In a perfect world they could have Antarctica for their piece of the world, but (now please don’t break apart when I tell you this) but it is obvious you don’t know, but THERE AIN’T NO SANTA CLAUS, AIN’T NO EASTER BUNNY, AND AIN’T EVEN NO TOOTH FAIRY! And they are NOT going to all go prey off each other—LOL (((hugs))))
But Oxy … there is a Bugs Bunny. That’s all I need to know (LOL).
Peace. Hey, they were only ideas … going out into the universe now … we’ll see.
Besameanne,
I read your post on the other thread but missed the one where you went to the sheriff. Your P sounds very dangerous, and I hope you have a restraining order against him. I agree about not even listening to the voice mails. My ex P posts on a reptile site that we both belong to (it’s how we met). Even seeing his username on there triggers all my PTSD symptoms. You really need to get him totally off your radar screen. He will test you because he needs to have control over you. It takes a little will power because they are so seductive. But you can do it!
If you need to talk to him for any reason (kids, etc.), there is a great blog on this site somewhere on how to talk to a psychopath. There is another great article on how to get one to leave you. I cannot remember where they are.