Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by Lovefraud reader “Presseject.” This is part two of his story. Part one was posted yesterday.
By Presseject
About two weeks after I confronted my S, there was a very dark day in which I was cut to pieces. I am okay now recalling it, but at that time, and for many weeks afterwards, it was like a knife in the heart. I would like to share a bit further with you the silver lining to this part of the story and how that relates to the good work you have done with the site. You see, it went like this:
I had my S visit and stay with me for my birthday weekend. He presented me with fun gifts and a card that included the words signed with “tons of love.” We had been dating for over six months at that point. (This included all the fun, spontaneous “impulsive” trips and arrangements including our visits to Miami, Key West, Palm Beach, Washington DC, New York City, Toronto, and London Ont.) But… while he was staying with me that last visit on my birthday, I happened to glance over at his laptop and saw a heading in his email program on a received email from what I thought was a dating website. So naturally I questioned it and I was told it was no one he knew, that sometimes he visited the site but wasn’t meeting anyone. A real nice birthday surprise!
After he went back, I found the site, having memorized the name of it in the email heading. To find his profile, I had to create one for myself. Once I did this, I saw he was very active at the site, logging in each day and the profile was marked as “looking for a relationship and/or one-on-one.” This left a sinking feeling in me. I thought we had a relationship, so again I needed to let him know it didn’t sit well with me. To do this though took even greater strength. I remember turning to God in prayer at that point to ask for that strength to find and face the truth, whatever it might be. And this was actually the beginning of my new relationship with God. Together with God’s help I knew I was going to get to the truth (I am still in this quest and I will continue this prayer) but little did I know it would turn my world inside out and leave me without the dream of love and feeling something others have described as being emotionally raped.
The day I after I spoke with him about my feelings about the site and his profile which he said calmly he’d “take into consideration,” he sent three typical friendly emails, pictures of himself with family, links to fun websites, nothing out of the ordinary. That evening though, he called and said it was over. He was going to try to find someone closer to where he lived possibly. He said he couldn’t explain me to his family although oddly, a few months prior, he had introduced me affectionately to each and every one of them! I was stunned and expressed my shock, especially after all the birthday gifts and words of love shared the week before. That sinking feeling was the Titanic going down then. To be discarded so quickly without much of a sound reason was baffling and horrible all at the same time.
Somehow I had the sense (when all seemed like chaos and NO sense) to google “personality disorder” along with the word “relationship” about a week after that. It led to the various sites on narcissism that seemed to give hints at what had just happened. (I learned to do searches excluding the words “Sam,” “Vaknin” and “Malignant” after a while). A close friend soon suggested the idea of a sociopath to me. (I still very much like the description one visitor has offered at Lovefraud of a “sociopath parading as a narcissist”) and it was the descriptions of a sociopath I found at Lovefraud that fit so well with my experience of the shock I had experienced of being “discarded.” But somehow, unlike many of the stories I had been reading, I hadn’t sensed that I had been completely “devalued.” (Discarded yes, but devalued?) That maybe my S was not such an S after all. (Later on I would read many entries in the site about those of us who are left wanting to still find hope in these kinds of situations, the appropriate and helpful reference to the Stockholm syndrome in particular). So I was, at that point, very hurt, very confused and still hopeful that love might still triumph. After all, I had never met someone so “nice” and fun to be with (at the beginning of course) and even after the hurt, it then still seemed worth “fixing.” (Part of me now thinks that having that kind sweet hope alive probably serves to help to cushion the extreme shock of what is plainly a hurtful and illogical abandonment.)
So I rose to the occasion, and again called on God to help back me up. It was at that two week time period after his “gotta go now” quick ending of our relationship that I sent one very kind and considerate email suggesting that perhaps that there had been a misunderstanding, that it seemed a shame to throw away all the fun and passionate friendship we had been enjoying so intently. In return, the next day, I received the most caustic, illogical, insulting and degrading note I have ever read from anyone. All I can say is THANK GOD I had found the Lovefraud.com site the week prior because as this horrible dark experience took such a sinister turn, I knew from reading your site enough to know that part of the equation, (the part that was missing) was the “devalued” part. I had been discarded the week before with not much of an explanation. And sure enough, I then had it in full force in front of me, the “devaluing” part, seething with vile and cold inequity.
His heartless letter was filled with twisted statements about my body that he thought revolted him (odd, since throughout the entire six months I was told over and over how desirable I was!) The rest of it was illogical too, the reasoning seemed childish, trivial and hurtful. But it set me free actually. I had prayed to God for strength and understanding. I had found this, God had indeed helped me to find the tools of understanding and knowledge through your site from experts and through the words of other survivors you have helped. Through reading your site, I was somewhat “protected” when this insane letter was received having been somewhat warned about how a sociopath might behave. It was the most startling realization, painful of course yet on the other hand, all the “pieces” of the puzzle now fit. I really can’t imagine how much worse the pain would have been without the good information I had found at Lovefruad.com. Thank you again for being there! Although it was one of the most damaging emotional things I have ever experienced, Lovefraud has been a real part of the silver lining in getting through this storm. The other part I guess is me… I did the hard part of walking through this and caring for myself enough to get my sanity back.
I can tell you this much too; as others have noted here, friends, ministers, group therapy and other places I have turned to did not quite provide the kind of human compassionate understanding I needed to help me through this over the last three months. I was going through days in which I was strong with my new understandings. Other days I was left trying to find even a shred of what my heart had been or felt like. I knew “no contact” was the only option even though I would still get urges to write and send things (new feelings of forgiveness, anger, or needing justice still surface from time to time.) Learning these kinds of individuals cannot change was also helpful. Over time, the hurt I experienced was less and less about my personal shortcomings (through his hurtful words that I had mistakenly held up against myself only adding fuel to his fire he started). Lovefraud helped initially for me to learn some basics about the behaviors (how to identify a sociopath, etc) \and then went even further to help me regain myself again, to learn this could be the start of a whole new positive change for me and my approach to relationships (which I also learned has been punctuated by somewhat similar encounters although nothing as awful as this last one). I am resolved now to keep seeking the truth in others and in myself. I won’t be so quick to be attracted to those with effortless charm and fearless impulsiveness or selfish motives, no matter how “successful” they might be in other areas of their lives. I have learned about my old pattern of picking out this kind of “successful” person from a crowd. I have learned about my own impulsiveness and (controlling) need to be a caretaker to someone emotionally unavailable. It can work in the short run but not for anything more substantial… like love.
That is where I am heading now, towards love, a shared love, and with luck I will find this. Lovefraud has helped and this is why I have taken time to write here, to express continued gratefulness for all those who make this site so helpful. My words are here for God too, as a prayer to share with Him my gratefulness during this recovery period, for His help and the strength he has given me to rise above the chaos with new insights and compassion for myself. To experience how I am able to take responsibility too for my own welfare, to be an active and (still) loving part in this process. God answered my prayer and I believe He will also answer others who ask and pray. (A higher power can do this, however you come to see this and whatever names you choose to use for it)…
To go one step further, my words here are also a prayer for those that are also, at this very moment, trying hard through very difficult times to find their own understanding and strength. I hope you find it and I hope you are also able to set yourself free from all that is cruel, careless and hurtful. (Please read all you can about this kind of disorder, it really helps to get past the hurt from being left in the dark.) We each have this power within us, it is up to each of us to find it and put it to good use!
stargazer? any good article’s on how to get a Physcopath to not be a Physcopath any more, and come back and be the illusion for real? Be everything they pretended to be but be for real? Just being sarcastic I guess – or delusional – forgive me…
Henry, you are cracking me up. I think you are talking about a magic wand! I’m fresh out of those today, sadly. I have wished for that myself with my P. He “seemed” so perfect. Why couldn’t he be the real thing?
You have to believe that you CAN have the real thing, that there are guys out there who are the real thing, and that you deserve it!!! You do your grieving. All of these thoughts about him are there to point to the feelings of sadness you still have. You will get through it. One day at a time.
Besameanne, I have blogged here a little about my situation, but really only the tip of the iceberg about it. It sounds to me as if you may have one of the sadistic type P’s on your hand as he sounds very similar to my ex in his tactics. I hope that is not the case, but at any rate, he is dangerous, no doubt.
The 500 dollars is the least of your worries. Cut it lose, forget it. STOP making threats towards him or challenging him in any way, shape, or form. Keep your Sheriff informed of what is happening but do NOT tell your ex you have done so. It’s just gonna piss him off further, and if he is the type P I suspect he is, it will just be a challenge to him to f*** you or your property or your pets (or anything else you hold dear)over in a manner that cannot be traced back to him, although he’ll manage to let you know he was responsible, but again in a manner that you can’t prove.
Buy a tape recorder and record ALL his voicemails off onto a tape and keep in a safe deposit box or give to a trusted friend to keep. Of course, as everyone has said, go no contact–do not answer the phone, do not answer the door–nothing. However, I am going to have differ with the advice of not listening to his voicemails. I think it is ESSENTIAL you listen to them the one time as you record them off onto the recorder because he will likely drop messages in some sort of veiled manner that will give you clues as to what he is up to or planning to be up to. If he is sadistic, he is going to get off on knowing it frightens you, and it WILL frighten you, BUT I’m afraid in this situation, burying you head in the sand and not listening could be a mistake. It would have been in my situation. However, once you listen to them that ONCE and they are recorded do NOT listen to them again. Only think about them in a analyzing sort of manner, to try to figure out how to circumvent him.
I say this because I am afraid this is not a situation where if you just ignore him, don’t listen to his voicemail, and then he is going to just go away and you can heal. Although yes, you need to heal and I agree no contact, no listening to voicemails etc. will help you HEAL, but right now your primary goal is going to have to be to stay alert and mindful of what is happening with this guy and his thought processes and as to what type threats he is making to SURVI”VE. Because of the letter you sent him, he will use that against you to try to discredit you that you are making crap up about him to get even, so you need those voicemails as evidence, too. Although you can get a restraining order for a paper trail, if he is a true psychopath, it ain’t gonna mean s*** to him, so like Oxy said all it is gonna be is a piece of paper. Not only that, being served with a restraining order may just make him react further. I would advise you discuss this with a therapist AND a threat assessment person to decide which route to take.
Do not under any circumstances be lured into “rescuing” him again if he breaks down, if he is lying naked in the middle of a snow storm, or if he suddenly wants to meet somewhere to apologize and pay you back your money. I REPEAT forget that 500 bucks. Don’t fall for any ploy to get you alone or anywhere where your guard is down. I did this and although I don’t want to go into details on this board, I will say a little accident was in progress where I was concerned and it is only sheer luck and quick refexes that I got out of it with seconds to spare. And it WOULD have been ruled an accident. These men are clever and cunning and although they are not all butchers like the media presents the murdering ones. But they don’t have to butcher you up to kill you. An accident will do just fine. If he suddenly turns sweet, that is the time to ESPECIALLY be on your guard.
Get therapy with a therapist well versed in psychopaths if you can find one, to help you deal and to help you come up with solutions or strategies. Hopefully, with no contact, he’ll go away, find someone else and leave you alone. Hpefully, he is just enjoying threatening you and won;t follow thru. But with mine, after moving out of state, and no contact for 8 months and no matter how many other women he has had, he STILL tries. He considers me getting away my “winning”. He told me, “No whore ever gets the upperhand on me. I win over my whores ALWAYS.” And he MEANS that. His past actions have proved it. If you never see from him again or never hear fro him again, and he stops bothering you, consider yourself LUCKY.
My life is very good now. BUT I still take precautions, locks on backyard fence, security lights, deadbolts etc. and am always mindful of the fact he could show up anytime. He isn’t thru with me and I know that. But I don’t spend much time thinking about it or worrying about it now because there isn’t anything I can do about it but take precautions and be careful. It also helps knowing he would have to spend 6 or 7 hours in a car just to get to me. Stay calm and THINK and PLAN and take PRECAUTIONS and be prepared for any possibilities. But also take care of yourself in healing and therapy etc. Good luck.
Thanks, Jen2008- Those are pretty much my feelings about it, too. That’s why I’m not doing the restraining order at this point. And I’ve been afraid NOT to listen to his messages because I need to be aware of his present state of mind (although, even the messages might not be an accurate description). I keep my doors locked at home and, when I hear a car coming up my gravel road, I get closer to my door until I see who it is. I’m a little uncomfortable at my shop because he could just walk right in but, my shop is right across from the police station – although, in my town, thats not real reassuring! I feel better when I have an idea where he is. That kind of makes this a two way coin because I DON’T want to hear from him but, the silence makes me uneasy. I’m EXTREMELY jumpy. I don’t THINK I would fall for any tricks he might try – at least, I hope not.
You guys are all so great and I appreciate everyone’s advice and good wishes.
You’re right the messages won’t be an accurate description of his state of mind(probably a bad choice of words on my part). I don’t know exactly how to explain what I mean, but if he turns out to be the type who is enjoying terrorizing you, you will begin to see a pattern, although it will be erratic. And in that pattern, although he may say one thing (and do another) deliberately misleading you at times, there will still probably be hints and cues, and insight you can gather from the messages nevertheless. He may be apologetic in one message, non threatening in another but just insulting, veiled threats in another–very contradictory stuff to try to throw you off–no contact for awhile, then a few days later or weeks it will start up again, but if you can listen to them and like I said, try to stay calm and analyze them and the manipulations, you can sometimes begin to get a sense of the game he is playing and thus stay on your toes. And also confirmation that he is behind some things that may be happening.
A quick examples: Mine caught me out in the yard one day and told me he was gonna f*** up my car and exactly what he was gonna do to it and how easy it would be to do . About two weeks later, had to have my car towed. More voicemails over the next few weeks with no mention of car, then in one message sandwiched in the middle was a comment of—I don’t know who all these people are you’ve got pissed off–(then he listed some BAD things I had said or done to people by NAME that I NEVER did or said, but it sounded good on tape to make me sound bad to anyone I might play the tape for) , but from what I hear you have alot of people mad at you. XXX is REALLY pissed at you. You’ve already had bad stuff happen, had to have your car towed (small laugh)–sounds to me like the Karma Gods are after you. I just thought I needed to warn you that all these people you’ve pissed off thru the years say they’re coming for you.I still love you, baby, and although you won’t talk to me, and I don’t know WHAT they’re planning to do, I just felt like I needed to warn you. BE CAREFUL. You WATCH your back.”
If he enjoys the terrorizing aspect of it, he’ll likely make a sh**load of empty veiled comments that he won’t follow thru on simply designed to keep you frightened. For example, in him texting you that he was coming there and threatening you, then showing up in your back yard for awhile–probably making enough noise for you to know he was there–yet note he never tried to get in your house. He just wanted to instill FEAR. However, he likely will follow thru on some things. I’m thinking yours also probably shot that gun more designed to frighten the crap out of you than actually with the intent of actually hitting you with a bullet. Mine would leave casual msgs of he was dropping by at such and such time (I would never reply, not even to tell him not to come), then he wouldn’t show up. OR sometimes he would show up unexpectedly, mess up a few outside things, and be on his way. It is all a CONTROL game. He may switch tactics and be nice at times to suck you back in OR if he needs you (like when he threatened you, then phoned NICE because he needed you due to wrecking his truck) and you fall for it, hoping it will end the cycle, BUT they ALWAYS revert back to the terrorizing, like yours did two days after you did him the favor. I think the “conning you into doing nice things or accepting their olive branch for a truce” is part of the game for them. Let’s see how horrible I can be, suck her back in, be horrible again, suck her back in (even if only for a quick favor), be horrible again, suck her back in—hahahha what a dumbass she is and clever and GOOD I am at this!!!! See my point?
So stick to NO CONTACT. If he makes contact with you that you cannot avoid (like showing up in person and starting stuff) don’t let him bait you, don’t show fear or emotion PERIOD regardless of what he says or does to try to get you going. I mean, if he is doing something to try to harm you personally, naturally phone police if you can, but be careful in chosing your battles and reactions otherwise. If he comes around, act like you’re virtually brain dead, with a shrug and “whatever” attitude no matter what vile things he says to you. I don’t know what type shop you have, but if it is a public place that sells items, don’t be surprised if he shows up one day, babe on arm, to browse in your shop, just so he can prove to you that he CAN and WILL invade your territory whenever he feels like it. I would suggest a detached attitude, point out some things she might be interested in, and act as if they are any other customer, giving him no negative reaction.
If you law low and give him no reaction so it doesn’t drag on feeding his need for the drama and terrorizing strokes, he may get bored with the whole thing and move on. But the one thing, IMO, is that they are very predictable in their unpredictableness.
Thanks Jen2008 – I can already see that he’s doing some of this. For sure, the sucking me back in and then terrorizing me again. Its pretty hard not to show how much it upsets me when I have to face him but, I’m better on the phone – except when I sdometimes just cannot keep my mouth shut. But, if I can manage the NC, I’ll be ok. He was doing the “Here I come” thing for awhile and the last messages he left were “You know we belong together” and “We’re soulmates” and “You know you miss the sex – have you told your little boyfriend sitting there that there’s no one for you that’s better than me? Miss you-miss you-miss you.” The seesawing of his mind games is very upsetting-even though I am starting to expect it.
I guess I’m still early enough in “the game” to be able to keep it from getting to me. I’m still trying to understand something I’ll never understand. He fits every description of a psychopath except the clues in the beginning. I keep trying to see where I missed them but, I can’t at this point. Sometimes I think maybe I created the monster but, I don’t know how I could have done that. Only by treating him too good!
I keep telling myself thast I’m smarter than him and I can out think him if I stay on my toes. But, I don’t have a devious mind so I have to go over what he’s doing several times beforeI can see the devious things. That makes me have to think about him too much so I am not getting him out of my mind where I can make any headway with the healing part I need.
I’m trying, though. No matter what happens, its gonna take awhile to get through this. What I would love more than anything would be if I could just disappear for a week and not have to see a soul and just spend the time crying and screaming and punching a punching bag and kicking my feet and get all the hurt and mad and used feelings out of my system. Having to go to work everyday and put on the smiling face for the public is hard right now.
Thanks for sharing your experiences with me. Helps alot. Bet you know that…………….
It is hard not to show emotion. BUT that is where NO CONTACT comes in. When I said, listen to the tapes and analyze, I meant listen that ONCE, then put them AWAY and do NOT continue to think about them and obsess about what he said–just use them to take precautions wherever you need to take them.
Do NOT answer the phone when he calls, always let it go to voicemail. The see saw swing of his mind is exactly the point I was trying to get across, and I see yours is acting EXACTLY like mine did in that manner, including the type things he is saying and the manner in which he is saying (dear Lord, do they follow a script???) . The no contact is important, because he can’t see whether you are upset or not if he can’t assess you either in person or by phone.
I’m just going to be blunt here. You may very well be intellectually smarter than him, but you are NOT smarter when it comes to street smarts and mind games and devious tactics, so don’t waste time trying to figure out how he got like he is, or trying to figure out how to one up him or that sort of thing—-only spend time on YOU and what actions and behaviors YOU need to do to protect yourself from him. Any opportunity he has to talk to you is just another opportunity to manipulate you, to figure out what is working and what is not working. ALWAYS remember the guy who bloodied your nose, terrorized you with the threatening phone calls and showed up in your back yard to frighten you, and who threatened you with a gun is the REAL person you are dealing with. The love and soulmate crap is just that–crap–a manipative ploy–he’s loving the game.
If you haven’t read Steve Becker’s article on the Cat and Mouse Game, find it on this site and read it.
I would like to ask a question. Did any of your S’s do this? When you broke up and the S had to move his/her things out of the house, did him/her tell you not to be home when he/she picked the stuff up? Mine told the woman he was with before me that she had to leave and he didn’t want to be there when she took her things. In my case, I told him to get his stuff out of my place. He said “it’s best you’re not there when I move my things out.” Does he do this to avoid watching you cry as he leaves? Does he do this so he won’t feel guilty for what he’s done?
Dear Besameanne,
Your X sounds a lot likek my P-son, and believe me they CAN BE DANGEROUS and VENGEFUL, my P-XBF burned the house of the GF previous to me for “poking him with an emotional stick” when he tried to get her back after his wife dumped him. He was divorced, and dating me, but he went back and burned her house a year after she told him to hit the road.
My son wanted me dead for disinheriting him. He is also still mad at me for turning him into the cops for robbery over 20 years ago! That kind NEVER FORGETS A “WOUND” that you have done to them. Of course anything that THEY DO TO YOU is OK, cause you are a “bitch and deserve it.”
I advise you to talk to the local police chief and/or sheriff (I live in rural Arkandsas) so that they at least know what is going on. Play some of the voice mails for him/her to hear so that they know you are not blowing smoke up their butts. I have an idea that they already “know” some things about your BF so it will not come as a shock to them that he is pulling this kind of crap.
I also advise you to obtain a legal hand gun, and learn how to use it if you do not know how. Get a concealed carry permit as well. Find out what the laws are in your state about carrying one in your car etc. There is a law called the “castle law” in most states that you can keep a fire arm in your “castle” (home and in some places car) My sons and I have concealed carry permits and I do not go unarmed off the place. I haven’t for years really, and anytime I am on the road, especially by myself, I have a hand gun in the car.
Through the years it has saved my life 3 times, though I have never fired it at anyone, and have pointed it only twice, but was prepared to pull the trigger if I had to. The main thing is to NOT let them close enough to take it away from you. You must be ready and willing to USE it. Some of these guys are dangerous and vengeful enough that it is your ONLY PROTECTION. “When seconds count, remember, the police are only MINUTES away.”
I agree that you need to listen to and SAVE every voice mail he sends, I had to do the same thing, keep an EYE on what they were doing, while I hid out, but they are so sneaky that the voice mails and other information may not give you enough information to keep yourself safe either.
Just like if you were trying to catch a dog that you couldn’t quite reach in order to kill it, you might go “Nice, doggy, nice doggy, come here for the biscuit” rather than “Get over here DOG, so I can KILL YOU.” So if he is going “nice doggy” he may be more dangerous than if he is saying “YOU Bitch!”
I hate to advise you to live in FEAR but sometimes that is REASONABLE and the way your P is acting, I think you should be VERY CAUTIOUS. I will keep you in my prayers for your safety. Just don’t do anything to antagonize him and keep NC as far as saying anything to him, but I do advise to at least TALK to the cops.
Dear Oxy, Was your P son attracted to fire in general? My P also threatened to burn down my old place, and again, this new one. He did burn down a structure on one of his relatives place many years ago, but swore it was an accident, and they did not prosecute, although they suspected it was deliberate because they had been fighting about something. As far as I know that is the only deliberate fire he has set in order to damage something.
But my P was VERY attracted to fire. Loved it in fact. He built huge spectacular bon fires, usually several times per month–the bigger the better. I never met such a fire obsessed person and always wondered about that.