Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by Lovefraud reader “Presseject.” This is part two of his story. Part one was posted yesterday.
By Presseject
About two weeks after I confronted my S, there was a very dark day in which I was cut to pieces. I am okay now recalling it, but at that time, and for many weeks afterwards, it was like a knife in the heart. I would like to share a bit further with you the silver lining to this part of the story and how that relates to the good work you have done with the site. You see, it went like this:
I had my S visit and stay with me for my birthday weekend. He presented me with fun gifts and a card that included the words signed with “tons of love.” We had been dating for over six months at that point. (This included all the fun, spontaneous “impulsive” trips and arrangements including our visits to Miami, Key West, Palm Beach, Washington DC, New York City, Toronto, and London Ont.) But… while he was staying with me that last visit on my birthday, I happened to glance over at his laptop and saw a heading in his email program on a received email from what I thought was a dating website. So naturally I questioned it and I was told it was no one he knew, that sometimes he visited the site but wasn’t meeting anyone. A real nice birthday surprise!
After he went back, I found the site, having memorized the name of it in the email heading. To find his profile, I had to create one for myself. Once I did this, I saw he was very active at the site, logging in each day and the profile was marked as “looking for a relationship and/or one-on-one.” This left a sinking feeling in me. I thought we had a relationship, so again I needed to let him know it didn’t sit well with me. To do this though took even greater strength. I remember turning to God in prayer at that point to ask for that strength to find and face the truth, whatever it might be. And this was actually the beginning of my new relationship with God. Together with God’s help I knew I was going to get to the truth (I am still in this quest and I will continue this prayer) but little did I know it would turn my world inside out and leave me without the dream of love and feeling something others have described as being emotionally raped.
The day I after I spoke with him about my feelings about the site and his profile which he said calmly he’d “take into consideration,” he sent three typical friendly emails, pictures of himself with family, links to fun websites, nothing out of the ordinary. That evening though, he called and said it was over. He was going to try to find someone closer to where he lived possibly. He said he couldn’t explain me to his family although oddly, a few months prior, he had introduced me affectionately to each and every one of them! I was stunned and expressed my shock, especially after all the birthday gifts and words of love shared the week before. That sinking feeling was the Titanic going down then. To be discarded so quickly without much of a sound reason was baffling and horrible all at the same time.
Somehow I had the sense (when all seemed like chaos and NO sense) to google “personality disorder” along with the word “relationship” about a week after that. It led to the various sites on narcissism that seemed to give hints at what had just happened. (I learned to do searches excluding the words “Sam,” “Vaknin” and “Malignant” after a while). A close friend soon suggested the idea of a sociopath to me. (I still very much like the description one visitor has offered at Lovefraud of a “sociopath parading as a narcissist”) and it was the descriptions of a sociopath I found at Lovefraud that fit so well with my experience of the shock I had experienced of being “discarded.” But somehow, unlike many of the stories I had been reading, I hadn’t sensed that I had been completely “devalued.” (Discarded yes, but devalued?) That maybe my S was not such an S after all. (Later on I would read many entries in the site about those of us who are left wanting to still find hope in these kinds of situations, the appropriate and helpful reference to the Stockholm syndrome in particular). So I was, at that point, very hurt, very confused and still hopeful that love might still triumph. After all, I had never met someone so “nice” and fun to be with (at the beginning of course) and even after the hurt, it then still seemed worth “fixing.” (Part of me now thinks that having that kind sweet hope alive probably serves to help to cushion the extreme shock of what is plainly a hurtful and illogical abandonment.)
So I rose to the occasion, and again called on God to help back me up. It was at that two week time period after his “gotta go now” quick ending of our relationship that I sent one very kind and considerate email suggesting that perhaps that there had been a misunderstanding, that it seemed a shame to throw away all the fun and passionate friendship we had been enjoying so intently. In return, the next day, I received the most caustic, illogical, insulting and degrading note I have ever read from anyone. All I can say is THANK GOD I had found the Lovefraud.com site the week prior because as this horrible dark experience took such a sinister turn, I knew from reading your site enough to know that part of the equation, (the part that was missing) was the “devalued” part. I had been discarded the week before with not much of an explanation. And sure enough, I then had it in full force in front of me, the “devaluing” part, seething with vile and cold inequity.
His heartless letter was filled with twisted statements about my body that he thought revolted him (odd, since throughout the entire six months I was told over and over how desirable I was!) The rest of it was illogical too, the reasoning seemed childish, trivial and hurtful. But it set me free actually. I had prayed to God for strength and understanding. I had found this, God had indeed helped me to find the tools of understanding and knowledge through your site from experts and through the words of other survivors you have helped. Through reading your site, I was somewhat “protected” when this insane letter was received having been somewhat warned about how a sociopath might behave. It was the most startling realization, painful of course yet on the other hand, all the “pieces” of the puzzle now fit. I really can’t imagine how much worse the pain would have been without the good information I had found at Lovefruad.com. Thank you again for being there! Although it was one of the most damaging emotional things I have ever experienced, Lovefraud has been a real part of the silver lining in getting through this storm. The other part I guess is me… I did the hard part of walking through this and caring for myself enough to get my sanity back.
I can tell you this much too; as others have noted here, friends, ministers, group therapy and other places I have turned to did not quite provide the kind of human compassionate understanding I needed to help me through this over the last three months. I was going through days in which I was strong with my new understandings. Other days I was left trying to find even a shred of what my heart had been or felt like. I knew “no contact” was the only option even though I would still get urges to write and send things (new feelings of forgiveness, anger, or needing justice still surface from time to time.) Learning these kinds of individuals cannot change was also helpful. Over time, the hurt I experienced was less and less about my personal shortcomings (through his hurtful words that I had mistakenly held up against myself only adding fuel to his fire he started). Lovefraud helped initially for me to learn some basics about the behaviors (how to identify a sociopath, etc) \and then went even further to help me regain myself again, to learn this could be the start of a whole new positive change for me and my approach to relationships (which I also learned has been punctuated by somewhat similar encounters although nothing as awful as this last one). I am resolved now to keep seeking the truth in others and in myself. I won’t be so quick to be attracted to those with effortless charm and fearless impulsiveness or selfish motives, no matter how “successful” they might be in other areas of their lives. I have learned about my old pattern of picking out this kind of “successful” person from a crowd. I have learned about my own impulsiveness and (controlling) need to be a caretaker to someone emotionally unavailable. It can work in the short run but not for anything more substantial… like love.
That is where I am heading now, towards love, a shared love, and with luck I will find this. Lovefraud has helped and this is why I have taken time to write here, to express continued gratefulness for all those who make this site so helpful. My words are here for God too, as a prayer to share with Him my gratefulness during this recovery period, for His help and the strength he has given me to rise above the chaos with new insights and compassion for myself. To experience how I am able to take responsibility too for my own welfare, to be an active and (still) loving part in this process. God answered my prayer and I believe He will also answer others who ask and pray. (A higher power can do this, however you come to see this and whatever names you choose to use for it)…
To go one step further, my words here are also a prayer for those that are also, at this very moment, trying hard through very difficult times to find their own understanding and strength. I hope you find it and I hope you are also able to set yourself free from all that is cruel, careless and hurtful. (Please read all you can about this kind of disorder, it really helps to get past the hurt from being left in the dark.) We each have this power within us, it is up to each of us to find it and put it to good use!
Dear Wini-
I’ve not been blogging here long and I’m already in everyone’s debt for the help you’ve already given me and the warmth of your support.
I have something I want to say, mostly to you, and I want you to know I mean no disrespect, and I honestly want to know what you think about it.
I already mentioned that I’m not a religious person. I was the oldest of my parent’s 4 kids. We went to church and Sunday School every Sunday as I grew up. We had a wonderful minister at our Methodist Church for many years – a very kind older man named Rev. Masters – now gone many years. His sermons were always about being kind and helping others – being a good Samaratin. He had a way of keeping our attention that made even us young children listen attentively. He’d be rambling along with his sermon and he’d hit us with a cute joke right in the middle of something when no one was expecting it and he’d still have his straight face on and the whole congregation would be taken by surprise and we’d all burst out laughing – as much at his cleverness as at the joke itself. He’d never miss a beat and right on with the sermon, he’d go.
I was in the youth group he led on Sun. evenings for several years. We’d often play a game he called “Poor Kitty”. We’d sit in a circle and he’d get on his hands and knees on that concrete floor (he was in his 70’s, I’m sure) and crawl around that circle meowing and purring and rubbing his head on our knees and, if he stopped at one of us, we had to pet him and say “Poor Kitty” 3 times without laughing or we were out of the circle. I don’t think any of us ever laughed so hard as we did when he played that game with us.
He retired after baptizing me a second time when I was around 13-14.
We got a new minister, Rev. Hinnah (also gone many years). To be perfectly honest, I almost hated him. I thought he was mean. He was always yelling about fire and brimstone. The people at church seemed to change – instead of laughing, they “hallelujahed” and “praise the lord”ed. This was in the early 70’s and I was 14-15. It was the days of mini-skirts and, one Sun. morning, my dad made me get out of the car on the way to church and walk home because he said my dress was too short. When they got home, we ate Sun. dinner and, as we finished, I stood up and told my parents that I was never going to church again. I told them that I couldn’t stand Rev. Hinnah or the way people acted in church anymore and that Rev. Masters wouldn’t have cared how long or short my dress was – he’d have just been happy to see me there. I never set foot in church again. Nothing was ever said and, within the next year, the rest of my family was no longer going.
Over the years, I have lost my faith in God but, I have never lost the morals taught to me by Rev. Masters as a child.
Wini-if there is a God that loves us and listens to our prayers – why are there so many of us finding our strength from each other on this site? God isn’t helping us – we’re helping each other. Not through him – through our own hearts. Through the choices we have all made to be the kind of people we are. If God is so kind and caring, why are all of us kind and caring people having our lives destroyed by psychopaths from hell? Has praying that your psychopath will see the light brought it about? Why are we learning to heal through each other – instead of through our ministers and churches? Why doesn’t God ever listen to our prayers?
I got a letter from my church a year or 2 ago. They wanted me to send money if I wanted to remain a member of the church. Rev. Masters told me when he baptized me that I was a member of the church for all my lifetime. I wrote a letter reminding them of that and that’s what I put in the envelope they provided me to send my donation back in.
God and church have not been the reason I have chosen to be the person I am – my own inner strength and conscience have kept me who I am. And, of course, I received no reply to my letter to the church.
My xp and I and another couple had a discussion about this one evening. (I hope I can say this here-I remember reading something about quotes in the posting rules.) I told them that I felt what Albert Einstein once said was true. He said “I cannot conceive of a God who rewards and punishes his creatures or has a will of the kind we experience in ourselves. The presence of a superior reasoning power – which is revealed in the incomprehensible universe – forms my idea of God.” And, I can’t remember who said this – “I believe that happiness is the only good, reason the only torch, justice the only worship, humanity the only religion, and love the only priest.”
I feel that, if there is a God, he isn’t very just or fair or caring. I think that the Bible was written by some very insightful people who could see, long ago, that if people didn’t have something to guide them along life’s path to keep them on the straight and narrow – all would soon be lost. If there was nothing to remind us that we can’t live only for ourselves, we would soon collapse like Caligula and the Roman empire. I believe in most of what the Bible teaches. I don’t think we’d still be surviving without it. But God-himself-I have my doubts. Why will our reward for living a good life only be in heaven? Why would we be inclined to stick it out until then? I am 51- almost 52- years old – the chance or opportunity for happiness or “reward” for retaining my convictions in spite of the s–t continually thrown my way, only seems to become more remote – especially now. Why would a kind and loving God reward good people with a lifetime of hell?
Am I to really believe that my xp – who claimed the evening we had this discussion – that he believed in God – will go to heaven when he dies because he “believes” in God while I’ll go to hell for NOT believing while living a life following the Golden Rule and truly caring what’s right or wrong and having respect and compassion for all my fellow men? I truly hope my xp sees the “light” someday but, I doubt that it happens or that any amount of praying for it would make any difference. If he doesn’t want to change, he won’t and I’m sure he never will. There’s too many fools and people like him for him to move onto for that to ever happen. The hearts he breaks, the damage he causes, the lives he destroys will continue while those of us betrayed do not betray our own souls. And those of us betrayed become shriveled and closed from the fear of further pain and betrayal.
henry: this country is run by sociopaths. ’nuff said.
Letgoletgod: If you find yourself waffling back and forth thinking about your ex then putting him out of your mind, then back again … great book to read is E. Tolle’s “A New Earth”. I love how Tolle describes egos in humans. Excellent read. Also a plus to the book, it will allow you to put your EX behind you for good and not have to think about him anymore.
Peace to your heart and soul during your healing.
Whew besameanne: Ask me a few questions, why don’t you? Just kidding you.
Seriously, people who are priests and reverends, and deacons and rabbis and all the other titles of their Churches … are just that, people. With good virtues and flawed vices.
I’ll tell you some of what I know and I hope I make some sense.
The Bible is the word of God written by witnesses who surrounded him at the time he walked the Earth.
Whether you wish to believes this or not, is not the point at this writing. Not that your feelings don’t matter … and we can discuss this further in different readings.
God is called a variety of names through different religions and their teachings. Just as we are one country, their are many countries in our world with their own languages etc. making them who they are.
Our country was founded on God and in God we Trust.
What you find in your Church was a leader of your congregation that was kind in how he taught the word of God. Plus, he had a sense of humor. Which was great, because he got you to understand the concepts of our creator.
I know when we are children, leaders of our churches instill in us that we should believe in God and that the rest of the mystery of our creator unfolds as we age. It is up to each of us to unfold this mystery about God, who he is, what does he mean for our life, etc.
If you recall learning lesson through the sermons you heard, you just chalked them up to “well, that’s common sense when dealing with people”, or, as you said, an overview on how to deal with people because we are human and it’s just a blueprint how to keep chaos at bay. Which, superficially, that’s what it looks like. I felt for years, the Bible was the first book on Psychology … and that impression stays in the back of mind, to this day. But, there is so much more to the Bible, than I can recite for you in this one sitting. Not, trying to cop out on this answer, but it is more complex than my writing an entire series of books here.
As briefly as I can be on this topic, God is stretching us to be better than we were before the anti-socials came into our path. Actually, God puts them in our path on purpose. Not to be mean … for lessons for us to learn. I thought my lesson was for forgiving people who did harm to me. Actually, forgiving them … then I realized it was so much more than that. When forgiving anyone for harming us (in anyway, shape or form), at first, that forgiveness is for ourselves. It’s for ourselves because we have to heal first. After we start healing … then we can focus on forgiving the person who harmed us. When you get to this level of forgiveness, God allows you to grow through the pain that you are experiencing. Not to hurt you, to help you grown bigger and better than before. There’s a lot more to forgiveness too, and I can write that latter in writings back and forth to you.
Did you ever see how God writes his name? I think that is the most important for anyone getting back to knowing and understanding God again, is if you have seen how he writes his name. Let me know if you have explored and seen what YHVH in the old testament is? It’s God name in English for us in this country, transcribed for the Jewish nations … transcribed from Latin, then transcribed again. If you see how God writes his name, the nonsense going on in our world would end after everyone sees how God writes his name. If I can copy and post it in this blog, I will. I don’t know if the original symbols will take. They just may flip back to having you see the letters YHVH … which will bring you back to square one again of not understanding the meaning.
Anyway, everything all of us are going through … are lessons we are learning. Not only what anti-socials are all about, but what we are all about. Who we are at this age in our life, how we got here … and that dealing with anti-social personalities is actually a blessing that our EXs screwed with our minds, life, finances etc. I know all of this doesn’t seem like a blessing … and your first reaction is that God is sadistic … or, are you crazy why would I think being harmed is a blessing … but, there is more for us to learn as we go down this path.
I remember asking my spiritual adviser “why me”. Of course he replied “why not you”. I said, but I was given a double whammy … I already know I have to forgive people who have no clue and harm others. He said, “Wini, I don’t care how much this cost you and how much you lost because of it, you are lucky and you are blessed”. Well, you know I scoffed at this … blessed, how is my life being destroyed considered a blessing”. He said, most people don’t get these kinds of challenges in their lives to test how much you love God”.
That’s what this is … it is a test to see if we still love God and will put our faith in God no matter what happens, no matter what hardships we endure, no matter what pain is incurred. Because our spirits are housed in human form and life is an illusion … after we leave here, our spirits go on to another level … and we didn’t sell out when the going got tough … we hung in there and were true to ourselves and others. We internalized our pain and didn’t project it on to those that harmed us. And, of course, their is more to this too.
My computer is as slow as molasses … spinning as I write. I’ll have to go back and copy your original question to answer the specifics … which I didn’t do, I just jumped right in and started answering you…. and of course, I forgot what else you answered.
I hope this answer is sufficient for now. I can write later.
Peace.
Wini- I appreciate your concern and willingness to try to answer my ramblings and doubts but, it will take alot more than “faith” to convince me that I’m wrong in not believing.
If God is testing us – he’s working on the wrong people. Shouldn’t he be working on our xp’s – instead of those of us who are, at least, on the right path?
Besameanne,
I agree with you, the P’s do not change, and if they wanted to they would. My ex will never change because he doesn’t see that he does anything wrong, he is forever pointing fingers at everyone else for the “wrongs” he has done. It’s always someone else that “made” him do or say something. I will never be praying for him, if he is so “Godly” he can pray for himself. I do believe in God, but in my opinion, this is no place to preach with so many different beliefs. I don’t push my beliefs on people and I would expect the same respect in return.
I think that “spirituality” is an important part of healing. It seems that every culture in the world has essentially had some form of “higher power” by whatever name or kind of worship/fear.
I do believe that people can be “spiritual” without any belief in a particular god or philosophy, but without out a “sense of right and wrong” (a “knowledge of good vs evil,” if you will) like the Ps said in their blog on “how to be better at being evil” “when you get that right and wrong and god crap out of the way, just do what feels good to you” DUH!
Regarless of how a P PRETENDS TO BE RELIGIOUS I will “bet the farm” that his “religion” is FAKED, just like a lot of the other stuff they USE TO HOOK US is all FAKE. If you are totally SELF CENTERED and have NO CONCERN FOR OTHERS, then by my definition at least YOU HAVE NO SPIRITUALITY. You have either lost or never had the THING (call it what you will) that make you “human” instead of “animal.”
Even animals have a sort of code of honor, if two dogs are fighting and one “gives up” and submits, the other one stops the attack. Psychopaths don’t even have the code of honor of two animals of the same species fighting. They have a “blood lust” either physical or emotional, and they enjoy seeing you “bleed.” and Enjoy seeing you suffer. How can a person who would/could do that have a “spirituality” or a “religion” that meant anything?
I have no doubt that a BIG PART of an alcoholic’s getting hooked on booze or drugs is GENETIC, and I have no less doubt that psychopathic personalities have a BIG genetic component, but just like the alcoholic CAN choose to stop drinking, the psychopath CAN CHOOSE to not behave in an evil way, but they do NOT WANT TO FIX THEMSELVES, because they have no concern for others, no spirituality if you will. Who knows, maybe that translates to no soul. Or that they sold their soul to the devil by continuing to enjoy the “fruits of evil” behavior.
The bottom line is that we have to realize and accept that they CHOOSE to be like they are, even though there is a genetic component, just like an alcoholic chooses to drink, knowing that he is harming himself/herself and others, but JUST DOESN’T CARE.
I wish I could believe that there was a “chance” for an adult psychopath to accept God or any philosophy or spirituality, but I can’t see that there is a snow ball’s chance in hades. Why would you want to change to caring for others when you ENJOY the way you are?
The reason I changed how I behave, the reason I searched myself to see what was “wrong” with me that was causing me and others pain was because I wasn’t enjoying the way things were going, so I made some assessments and some changes. DUH!
But if I had been “perfectly happy” with the way things were going, then I would not have made any changes.
Strangely enough, my mother’s “religion of the angry vengeful god” which has been thrust on me my entie life, didn’t turn me away from spirituality, but seeing how FALSE she is to her own “rules” made me realize she and I don’t “see” the same God. It is liberating to me to realize I can have my own views of God, my own beliefs and that I am not bound to accept her views or “burn in hell.” My mother’s views are not the ONLY way to have a spiritual experience.
I have studied and read the sacred writings of many different beliefs and religions from Hindu on, and every one of them has a basic precept that “being good and kind is beneficial” to you. That having a giving and caring and kind spirit and not being selfish and money grubbing is a better thing than just seeking your own benefit. I believe that those precepts are true. That having a “good heart” is a good thing, but none of them that I know of expect anyone to be a “door mat” and lie down for abuse, although there are those that will tell you that they do. Even people whose religion prohibits them from engaging in war, those people are not going to stand still while someone hurts them, at least they will flee from danger if they can.
Standing up for right against wrong, whether it is being done to us by a person, a group of persons or even if we are allowing someone to do us wrong, is necessary to human growth.
It is wrong for anyone to abuse us. It is right for us to not allow anyone to abuse us. That’s the bottom line. I did allow others to abuse me, but I WILL NO LONGER ALLOW ANYONE TO ABUSE ME.
besameanne: I’m sure he will get to them eventually.
If you were God, who would you rather work on first, us or them?
LOL.
Peace.
P.S. The problem is not believing. He knows that … why do you think our world is out of control? Plus, do you realize that there aren’t that many that he chooses to go through what we are going through? Small, small percentage of folks throughout the world … going through similar faith building challenges. Ours, happens to be this … Thank God for small favors. Cause if it were on other scales more outrageous than this … I’d think there would be a big drop out rate … but what I see so far … people are stretching themselves…
All in do time.
Yeah Oxy, it’s like 4 year olds kicking each other in the shins … hopping around holding the pain and still screaming at each other that my Dad can’t beat your Dad up … aka TEMPER TANTRUMS. Our EXs are just like the 4 year olds whining for that candy bar as mom’s going through the check out counter at the super market and she already wrote out the check.
Is anyone shaking their heads on this analogy yet?
besameanne: Here is a Prayer for Inner Peace.
I open my heart to You, dear God, and let Your peace fill my being.
In Your presence, I am peaceful, poised, confident, and strong.
I relax in Your loving care, dear God, and release all my cares to You,
knowing that You are upholding me and sustaining me in all that I do.
As I keep my heart and mind centered in You, God,
I feel Your peace infusing my entire being and keeping me serene and secure.
To You, beloved God, I release all sense of turmoil.
In the comfort of Your presence, I am content and peaceful.
God, Your presence calms me,
quiets the storms around me, and
leads me to a place of perfect peace.
As I center myself in Your peaceful presence,
I let go of every concern and relax in the safety of Your love.
Affirmations for Inner Peace
The love of God quells my thoughts and instills peace in my mind and heart.
I am poised and secure in God’s presence, and my heart is serene.
God’s presence within me is my center of perfect peace.
I am confident and calm, knowing that God is with me always.
God within me is my constant source of peace and strength.
I relax, release any anxious thought, and peacefully rest in the presence of God.