Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by Lovefraud reader “Presseject.” This is part two of his story. Part one was posted yesterday.
By Presseject
About two weeks after I confronted my S, there was a very dark day in which I was cut to pieces. I am okay now recalling it, but at that time, and for many weeks afterwards, it was like a knife in the heart. I would like to share a bit further with you the silver lining to this part of the story and how that relates to the good work you have done with the site. You see, it went like this:
I had my S visit and stay with me for my birthday weekend. He presented me with fun gifts and a card that included the words signed with “tons of love.” We had been dating for over six months at that point. (This included all the fun, spontaneous “impulsive” trips and arrangements including our visits to Miami, Key West, Palm Beach, Washington DC, New York City, Toronto, and London Ont.) But… while he was staying with me that last visit on my birthday, I happened to glance over at his laptop and saw a heading in his email program on a received email from what I thought was a dating website. So naturally I questioned it and I was told it was no one he knew, that sometimes he visited the site but wasn’t meeting anyone. A real nice birthday surprise!
After he went back, I found the site, having memorized the name of it in the email heading. To find his profile, I had to create one for myself. Once I did this, I saw he was very active at the site, logging in each day and the profile was marked as “looking for a relationship and/or one-on-one.” This left a sinking feeling in me. I thought we had a relationship, so again I needed to let him know it didn’t sit well with me. To do this though took even greater strength. I remember turning to God in prayer at that point to ask for that strength to find and face the truth, whatever it might be. And this was actually the beginning of my new relationship with God. Together with God’s help I knew I was going to get to the truth (I am still in this quest and I will continue this prayer) but little did I know it would turn my world inside out and leave me without the dream of love and feeling something others have described as being emotionally raped.
The day I after I spoke with him about my feelings about the site and his profile which he said calmly he’d “take into consideration,” he sent three typical friendly emails, pictures of himself with family, links to fun websites, nothing out of the ordinary. That evening though, he called and said it was over. He was going to try to find someone closer to where he lived possibly. He said he couldn’t explain me to his family although oddly, a few months prior, he had introduced me affectionately to each and every one of them! I was stunned and expressed my shock, especially after all the birthday gifts and words of love shared the week before. That sinking feeling was the Titanic going down then. To be discarded so quickly without much of a sound reason was baffling and horrible all at the same time.
Somehow I had the sense (when all seemed like chaos and NO sense) to google “personality disorder” along with the word “relationship” about a week after that. It led to the various sites on narcissism that seemed to give hints at what had just happened. (I learned to do searches excluding the words “Sam,” “Vaknin” and “Malignant” after a while). A close friend soon suggested the idea of a sociopath to me. (I still very much like the description one visitor has offered at Lovefraud of a “sociopath parading as a narcissist”) and it was the descriptions of a sociopath I found at Lovefraud that fit so well with my experience of the shock I had experienced of being “discarded.” But somehow, unlike many of the stories I had been reading, I hadn’t sensed that I had been completely “devalued.” (Discarded yes, but devalued?) That maybe my S was not such an S after all. (Later on I would read many entries in the site about those of us who are left wanting to still find hope in these kinds of situations, the appropriate and helpful reference to the Stockholm syndrome in particular). So I was, at that point, very hurt, very confused and still hopeful that love might still triumph. After all, I had never met someone so “nice” and fun to be with (at the beginning of course) and even after the hurt, it then still seemed worth “fixing.” (Part of me now thinks that having that kind sweet hope alive probably serves to help to cushion the extreme shock of what is plainly a hurtful and illogical abandonment.)
So I rose to the occasion, and again called on God to help back me up. It was at that two week time period after his “gotta go now” quick ending of our relationship that I sent one very kind and considerate email suggesting that perhaps that there had been a misunderstanding, that it seemed a shame to throw away all the fun and passionate friendship we had been enjoying so intently. In return, the next day, I received the most caustic, illogical, insulting and degrading note I have ever read from anyone. All I can say is THANK GOD I had found the Lovefraud.com site the week prior because as this horrible dark experience took such a sinister turn, I knew from reading your site enough to know that part of the equation, (the part that was missing) was the “devalued” part. I had been discarded the week before with not much of an explanation. And sure enough, I then had it in full force in front of me, the “devaluing” part, seething with vile and cold inequity.
His heartless letter was filled with twisted statements about my body that he thought revolted him (odd, since throughout the entire six months I was told over and over how desirable I was!) The rest of it was illogical too, the reasoning seemed childish, trivial and hurtful. But it set me free actually. I had prayed to God for strength and understanding. I had found this, God had indeed helped me to find the tools of understanding and knowledge through your site from experts and through the words of other survivors you have helped. Through reading your site, I was somewhat “protected” when this insane letter was received having been somewhat warned about how a sociopath might behave. It was the most startling realization, painful of course yet on the other hand, all the “pieces” of the puzzle now fit. I really can’t imagine how much worse the pain would have been without the good information I had found at Lovefruad.com. Thank you again for being there! Although it was one of the most damaging emotional things I have ever experienced, Lovefraud has been a real part of the silver lining in getting through this storm. The other part I guess is me… I did the hard part of walking through this and caring for myself enough to get my sanity back.
I can tell you this much too; as others have noted here, friends, ministers, group therapy and other places I have turned to did not quite provide the kind of human compassionate understanding I needed to help me through this over the last three months. I was going through days in which I was strong with my new understandings. Other days I was left trying to find even a shred of what my heart had been or felt like. I knew “no contact” was the only option even though I would still get urges to write and send things (new feelings of forgiveness, anger, or needing justice still surface from time to time.) Learning these kinds of individuals cannot change was also helpful. Over time, the hurt I experienced was less and less about my personal shortcomings (through his hurtful words that I had mistakenly held up against myself only adding fuel to his fire he started). Lovefraud helped initially for me to learn some basics about the behaviors (how to identify a sociopath, etc) \and then went even further to help me regain myself again, to learn this could be the start of a whole new positive change for me and my approach to relationships (which I also learned has been punctuated by somewhat similar encounters although nothing as awful as this last one). I am resolved now to keep seeking the truth in others and in myself. I won’t be so quick to be attracted to those with effortless charm and fearless impulsiveness or selfish motives, no matter how “successful” they might be in other areas of their lives. I have learned about my old pattern of picking out this kind of “successful” person from a crowd. I have learned about my own impulsiveness and (controlling) need to be a caretaker to someone emotionally unavailable. It can work in the short run but not for anything more substantial… like love.
That is where I am heading now, towards love, a shared love, and with luck I will find this. Lovefraud has helped and this is why I have taken time to write here, to express continued gratefulness for all those who make this site so helpful. My words are here for God too, as a prayer to share with Him my gratefulness during this recovery period, for His help and the strength he has given me to rise above the chaos with new insights and compassion for myself. To experience how I am able to take responsibility too for my own welfare, to be an active and (still) loving part in this process. God answered my prayer and I believe He will also answer others who ask and pray. (A higher power can do this, however you come to see this and whatever names you choose to use for it)…
To go one step further, my words here are also a prayer for those that are also, at this very moment, trying hard through very difficult times to find their own understanding and strength. I hope you find it and I hope you are also able to set yourself free from all that is cruel, careless and hurtful. (Please read all you can about this kind of disorder, it really helps to get past the hurt from being left in the dark.) We each have this power within us, it is up to each of us to find it and put it to good use!
LIG and stargazer.
I finished with P a few years ago after he had an affair, he was really cruel and nasty. Left me with no money in the house, no job and a baby, I had to claim social (welfare) for a while. I picked myself up and enrolled in law school.
But all the time in the back of my mind was what a good time he was having and didnt he look even more handsome now, I yearned to hear his voice on the phone or for him to say a friendly word to me.
I was cut to the quick when I found a receipt for the restaurant he used to take me for my birthday. He had taken one of his new girlfriends (I used to go through his pockets when he hung his jacket up) old habit.
When I look back it was actually me who was moving on with my life and making it a success. He had actually been asked to leave his accomodation and had his car repossessed, all the women ended the relationships with him very quickly when they found out he had baggage.
Biggest mistake I ever made taking him back, apart from marrying him in the first place.
Is this the guy you’re with now? What a piece of work he is.
About 10 years ago I was in love with a man who actually told me he had sociopathic tendencies. He said he was capable of just cutting people off emotionally. I didn’t really understand what that meant at the time. But he did seem extremely selfish and not very respectful of me. Still, I stayed with him for 3 years. We were living together and I had my massage practice in his home. One day, after we’d been intimate that morning, I came home and found him on the phone flirting with some new long distance flame he had. I picked up the phone in the other room and said to her, “do you know he’s living with his girlfriend?” He shouted into the phone, “Shut up, you’re not my girlfriend!”
I cannot tell you the devastation that followed after that incident. I packed a bag and left. But I had to come by during the days to do massages. I was saving up for an apartment, and my cats were still at his house. I would come by to see clients, and I’d find 2 wine glasses with a receipt from a restaurant on his counter. I was so devastated, but I had to still see my clients. When I finally moved my things out, I NEVER spoke to him again. I didn’t take his calls. I just left. He was wealthy and I was poor, but he never helped me with the expense of the move. It costed me everything I had to get out. That was 7 years ago.
From being on this site, I’m starting to finally understand what he meant by “sociopathic tendencies.” I have been able to forgive myself for the failure of that relationship, because it never stood a chance. I always viewed him as a very happy and successful person. I imagined he moved on and got married and lived happily ever after. But now that I’m remembering how he treated me, I can guarantee that no woman he dates will ever be happy with him.
thanks guys.
helpful reality check.
”if it seems like he is happy, it is only an act.”
i shall write that on the wall of my heart 1000 times.
after 20 years he left me with this line: “i never thought of you as my lover!”
did lucifer personally teach him that one?
LIG, that guy I was with for 3 years that I was totally in love with said something similar to me after I moved out. Although I never spoke to him again, he sent me one letter. He told me that the woman he left me for ended up having a boyfriend and playing him (oh boo hoo). He said he actally cried over her (he never had cried over me). He said he had never really opened up to a woman before her, and that he thinks she is the first woman he ever loved. Therefore, he explained, he understood how I must feel. (!!!)
Okay, I’m intentionally pausing here to let that sink in.
And would you believe this was his idea of being kind?
His affair felt like I was hit by a Mack truck. The letter was like the Mack truck backed up and ran me over again.
THIS IS WHAT SOCIOPATHS ARE AND THIS IS WHAT THEY DO. They discard you and devalue you without so much as a 3-day notice. Normal people do not do these things. They are in a world by themselves and cannot be compared to normal people because they are not normal. They have just learned how to act normal to get what they want.
reading the recent post ‘mine included’ tells me that we are all sociopath bait – I don’t think we want to admit it – but look at our patterns – our history’s – some of us do it over and over again until we are almost dead – then we come here and learn about ourselve’s – and learn and understand that we are loving a person that yearn’s to be loved but can’t love in return – we have finally been used up and there is nothing left to give – even too ourselves – and we have to find a new way to live – I am so glad I found this website and the people and places it has taken me too – cause i bet ya a donut – I would of continued with the same patterns as before had I not. And I have seen why I did it and the truth set’s us free – it doesn’t make us happy – but it set’s us free – so we can start down a road that leads us to happiness and peace….
HENRY,
I take back the two boinks I gave you on the other thread, this post is absolutely great! You are SO RIGHT ON!!!!
Stargazer–my mom got mad at me for calling the Trojan HOrse psychopath for lying ot me about “borrowing” the money from her (she also lied to me) and while she was mad she accused me of wanting her money.
Later she called to “apologize” and said, “I didn’t really mean it, I JUST SAID IT TO HURT YOU” (that was when the MACK TRUCK BACKED UP) It was bad enough when she accused me of wanting her money but to admit to me that she SAID IT ON PURPOSE TO HURT ME, and she doesn’t to this day GET IT why it hurt SOOOO BAD when she said she DID IT ON PURPOSE TO HURT ME.
See, even THEY speak the truth once in a while, just like yours did, but the thing is they don’t realize the TRUTH is the TRUTH and they have NO concept of the pain it causes you that they did what they did to purposely hurt you. That they never cared for you. Yes, “this is what sociopaths are and this is what they do”–you are so right on!
Hang in there gang, take it one day at a time, make a promise to yourself to make TODAY good. Just that one day and focus on it, on being good to yourself. One day at a time. It is all any of us have, just TODAY. Don’t worry about tomorrow or yesterday, just focus on today! (((hugs))))
okay, here’s my mack truck backing up. four days after he admitted to cheating for months and getting his new gf preggers, i asked him why on EARTH he wouldn’t use a condom with someone he barely knew. he said, ”she was so clean, i couldn’t resist.”
okay, i’ll give ya’ a minute for THAT to sink in!
so that means i wasn’t ‘clean’? he always used protection with me. i just about collapsed on the floor. WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!
star: i didn’t even have three days notice. he told me he was cheating and he left me to go live with her. already had her keys on his keychain.
ox: thanks for the boinks.
henry: i hear ya’ … it’s a freakin’ travesty.
thank you all for your kindness and for taking the time to respond to my seemingly endless doubts, insecurities, fears, tears and neurosis. my dad was a s/p/n too. when i think of how i was TRAINED to give until they love ya’, it makes me sick.
but i’m (we are ALL) going to be okay. actually, we already are okay. you see, o.j. simpson finally got his payback — 13 years to the DAY after being acquitted of murder.
and that’s all i have to say about that . ..
Hi all,
I’m going up to Boulder today to get the sworn statements from my friends that will bury the sociopath. Yay!
Henry, great post of yours, and I wanted to comment on it. I think the first step in being P-free is to recognize the signs and to recognize the P’s for what they are. This is the coming out of denial stage. Even once the P’s are out of our lives, we can still go into denial from time to time. That’s one of the things this site is so great for.
And you are so right, I think it’s the introspection and healing that will keep us from being targets again. After that 3-year relationship ended, it took many years to regain independence and self-esteem. It took such a long time to get over him! I honestly felt I was in a much better place when I met this latest P. I had had a few wonderful short-term relationships in the interim.
I do believe people come into our lives to teach us lessons. I also think of healing like peeling the layers of an onion. I have done so much work on the abuse issues from my stepfather (the P), but there is still the neglect of my mother (the N) that I feel is at the core of my attracting unhealthy relationships. This pain is very old and deep–from infancy. I cannot verbalize it, but feel it as pressure in my body. I am looking for a therapist that can help me deal with this non-verbal stuff from early childhood. I am determined to beat it. I know it made me vulnerable to this latest P. But I’m still unclear as to how. His type of P is not like the others who were selfish and neglectful. He was truly wonderful to me, and I only gave him the benefit of the doubt at first because of his alleged head injury. If not for my inside track on his army shenigans, I would be second-guessing myself all the time! I’m proud of myself that I got out after only 2-1/2 months. But I still feel like it will take a long time to heal from it.
Thank you all for your thoughtful posts.
Hugs to all,
StarG
Stargazer–yea he was wonderful to you because he was still in the “hooking you in” stage–he obviously wasn’t wonderful to his WIFE he was cheating on. He just hadn’t gotten to the “kick you in the teeth stage” with you yet. Believe me, he WOULD have gotten there.