Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by Lovefraud reader “Presseject.” This is part two of his story. Part one was posted yesterday.
By Presseject
About two weeks after I confronted my S, there was a very dark day in which I was cut to pieces. I am okay now recalling it, but at that time, and for many weeks afterwards, it was like a knife in the heart. I would like to share a bit further with you the silver lining to this part of the story and how that relates to the good work you have done with the site. You see, it went like this:
I had my S visit and stay with me for my birthday weekend. He presented me with fun gifts and a card that included the words signed with “tons of love.” We had been dating for over six months at that point. (This included all the fun, spontaneous “impulsive” trips and arrangements including our visits to Miami, Key West, Palm Beach, Washington DC, New York City, Toronto, and London Ont.) But… while he was staying with me that last visit on my birthday, I happened to glance over at his laptop and saw a heading in his email program on a received email from what I thought was a dating website. So naturally I questioned it and I was told it was no one he knew, that sometimes he visited the site but wasn’t meeting anyone. A real nice birthday surprise!
After he went back, I found the site, having memorized the name of it in the email heading. To find his profile, I had to create one for myself. Once I did this, I saw he was very active at the site, logging in each day and the profile was marked as “looking for a relationship and/or one-on-one.” This left a sinking feeling in me. I thought we had a relationship, so again I needed to let him know it didn’t sit well with me. To do this though took even greater strength. I remember turning to God in prayer at that point to ask for that strength to find and face the truth, whatever it might be. And this was actually the beginning of my new relationship with God. Together with God’s help I knew I was going to get to the truth (I am still in this quest and I will continue this prayer) but little did I know it would turn my world inside out and leave me without the dream of love and feeling something others have described as being emotionally raped.
The day I after I spoke with him about my feelings about the site and his profile which he said calmly he’d “take into consideration,” he sent three typical friendly emails, pictures of himself with family, links to fun websites, nothing out of the ordinary. That evening though, he called and said it was over. He was going to try to find someone closer to where he lived possibly. He said he couldn’t explain me to his family although oddly, a few months prior, he had introduced me affectionately to each and every one of them! I was stunned and expressed my shock, especially after all the birthday gifts and words of love shared the week before. That sinking feeling was the Titanic going down then. To be discarded so quickly without much of a sound reason was baffling and horrible all at the same time.
Somehow I had the sense (when all seemed like chaos and NO sense) to google “personality disorder” along with the word “relationship” about a week after that. It led to the various sites on narcissism that seemed to give hints at what had just happened. (I learned to do searches excluding the words “Sam,” “Vaknin” and “Malignant” after a while). A close friend soon suggested the idea of a sociopath to me. (I still very much like the description one visitor has offered at Lovefraud of a “sociopath parading as a narcissist”) and it was the descriptions of a sociopath I found at Lovefraud that fit so well with my experience of the shock I had experienced of being “discarded.” But somehow, unlike many of the stories I had been reading, I hadn’t sensed that I had been completely “devalued.” (Discarded yes, but devalued?) That maybe my S was not such an S after all. (Later on I would read many entries in the site about those of us who are left wanting to still find hope in these kinds of situations, the appropriate and helpful reference to the Stockholm syndrome in particular). So I was, at that point, very hurt, very confused and still hopeful that love might still triumph. After all, I had never met someone so “nice” and fun to be with (at the beginning of course) and even after the hurt, it then still seemed worth “fixing.” (Part of me now thinks that having that kind sweet hope alive probably serves to help to cushion the extreme shock of what is plainly a hurtful and illogical abandonment.)
So I rose to the occasion, and again called on God to help back me up. It was at that two week time period after his “gotta go now” quick ending of our relationship that I sent one very kind and considerate email suggesting that perhaps that there had been a misunderstanding, that it seemed a shame to throw away all the fun and passionate friendship we had been enjoying so intently. In return, the next day, I received the most caustic, illogical, insulting and degrading note I have ever read from anyone. All I can say is THANK GOD I had found the Lovefraud.com site the week prior because as this horrible dark experience took such a sinister turn, I knew from reading your site enough to know that part of the equation, (the part that was missing) was the “devalued” part. I had been discarded the week before with not much of an explanation. And sure enough, I then had it in full force in front of me, the “devaluing” part, seething with vile and cold inequity.
His heartless letter was filled with twisted statements about my body that he thought revolted him (odd, since throughout the entire six months I was told over and over how desirable I was!) The rest of it was illogical too, the reasoning seemed childish, trivial and hurtful. But it set me free actually. I had prayed to God for strength and understanding. I had found this, God had indeed helped me to find the tools of understanding and knowledge through your site from experts and through the words of other survivors you have helped. Through reading your site, I was somewhat “protected” when this insane letter was received having been somewhat warned about how a sociopath might behave. It was the most startling realization, painful of course yet on the other hand, all the “pieces” of the puzzle now fit. I really can’t imagine how much worse the pain would have been without the good information I had found at Lovefruad.com. Thank you again for being there! Although it was one of the most damaging emotional things I have ever experienced, Lovefraud has been a real part of the silver lining in getting through this storm. The other part I guess is me… I did the hard part of walking through this and caring for myself enough to get my sanity back.
I can tell you this much too; as others have noted here, friends, ministers, group therapy and other places I have turned to did not quite provide the kind of human compassionate understanding I needed to help me through this over the last three months. I was going through days in which I was strong with my new understandings. Other days I was left trying to find even a shred of what my heart had been or felt like. I knew “no contact” was the only option even though I would still get urges to write and send things (new feelings of forgiveness, anger, or needing justice still surface from time to time.) Learning these kinds of individuals cannot change was also helpful. Over time, the hurt I experienced was less and less about my personal shortcomings (through his hurtful words that I had mistakenly held up against myself only adding fuel to his fire he started). Lovefraud helped initially for me to learn some basics about the behaviors (how to identify a sociopath, etc) \and then went even further to help me regain myself again, to learn this could be the start of a whole new positive change for me and my approach to relationships (which I also learned has been punctuated by somewhat similar encounters although nothing as awful as this last one). I am resolved now to keep seeking the truth in others and in myself. I won’t be so quick to be attracted to those with effortless charm and fearless impulsiveness or selfish motives, no matter how “successful” they might be in other areas of their lives. I have learned about my old pattern of picking out this kind of “successful” person from a crowd. I have learned about my own impulsiveness and (controlling) need to be a caretaker to someone emotionally unavailable. It can work in the short run but not for anything more substantial… like love.
That is where I am heading now, towards love, a shared love, and with luck I will find this. Lovefraud has helped and this is why I have taken time to write here, to express continued gratefulness for all those who make this site so helpful. My words are here for God too, as a prayer to share with Him my gratefulness during this recovery period, for His help and the strength he has given me to rise above the chaos with new insights and compassion for myself. To experience how I am able to take responsibility too for my own welfare, to be an active and (still) loving part in this process. God answered my prayer and I believe He will also answer others who ask and pray. (A higher power can do this, however you come to see this and whatever names you choose to use for it)…
To go one step further, my words here are also a prayer for those that are also, at this very moment, trying hard through very difficult times to find their own understanding and strength. I hope you find it and I hope you are also able to set yourself free from all that is cruel, careless and hurtful. (Please read all you can about this kind of disorder, it really helps to get past the hurt from being left in the dark.) We each have this power within us, it is up to each of us to find it and put it to good use!
LIG, Presseject and Iwonder: Earlier today, I was having the same feelings as you both were (LIG and Presseject) about “wanting justice”, which is a very normal feeling to have given the “devalue and discard”. We will go through every emotion in the book because of the devastating ordeal our Ps put us through.
The one thing that my ex-P DID NOT do was criticize me about my looks or my body. He was always very complimentary on a daily basis. He would tell me that the physical beauty will change when we age but it’s the love that we have for one another that will last forever. He hated the fact that a lot of people thought I was a lot younger than him, even though I am older. He used to say that he wanted to thank my mother and father for giving me such good genes. He definitely was a smooth talker and I held on to every word he said.
Then there was a time when we were both working out together at the gym 5-6 times a week. Then after a few months, we stopped going. I don’t even remember why. We got lazy and vegged at home for many months eating junk food, pizza and Chinese take-out. So we both gained a little weight. Then when I was pregnant I gained some more weight. Then after I miscarried, I was extremely depressed and gained a little more weight. Even then, he never said a negative comment about my body. I was the one who was self-conscience.
Then he started getting a lot of headaches. As a nurse, I immediately thought to take his blood pressure. I did and it was high so I encouraged him to eat healthier and to resume going to the gym, which we both did. We began to go 5-6 times a week again and began eating healthier. Although, I was still not at my ideal weight or physique. I found out later on from one of his “friends”, whom he conned, that my ex-P told him that I had gained weight and that he didn’t find me attractive anymore. That was definitely hard to swallow. After I discarded him (19 days NC), I have already lost 15 lbs. Not by choice though. I haven’t had much of an appetite. My food of choice has been Ensure in Vanilla, Wild Berry and my favorite…CHOCOLATE! =)
Iwonder: My ex-P was controlling as well. He didn’t like the clothes I wore. He said that they were too revealing and always tried to shield me so that other guys wouldn’t look at me. If any guys looked at me, he would give them the “evil eye”. There was always an issue about what I wore. I grew tired of it so I adjusted my wardrobe. He would also get upset when I would put on make-up and accused me of wanting to get attention from men. He was also very territorial. He would always say, “YOU ARE MINE! I DON’T SHARE!” And he didn’t care what people thought when he showed PDA, which was always inappropriate in nature. He wanted it to be known that I was his.
I feel bad for the OW because I was the OW at one time but I just didn’t know it at the time. My ex-P had told me that they had broken up but that she was still living with him until she found another place to live. She ended up moving out a few weeks after we started dating. I lnow believe that they were, in fact, still together when we met. He devalued and discarded her and their daugther as well. I hope that she and the baby are well and that the P is not present in their lives…for their own sake!
May God continue to give us strength while we heal from our devastating ordeals. God bless all of you and be well.
Dear heartoheart: An anti-social I dated (actually was my first roller coaster ride) told me: The attraction for anyone is over within a week and the “real – feeling” partner doesn’t know for a year or so … as long as the anti-social pretends, the real partner believes.
Please do not believe it was your pregnancy or anything else about you for his leaving. He left because there is no substance inside him to feel. He thinks that a miracle will happen and he will meet someone that can make him feel. As if we hand a magic wand to wave over him … blink “feel”. That’s why they go from person to person, relationship to relationship. They want what we have, how to live a life with “feelings”. The get an adrenaline rush at the beginning when they see “us” … as soon as the adrenaline rush is over, so is the relationship. We just don’t know it yet until they stray with another, or do some other anti-social activity which disrupts the functioning of our life.
I hope everyone on this blog understand that they are not to blame for their EX’s leaving or saying something detrimental to them or any of the hurtful things they did to you.
They are disappointed in you for not magically correcting their flaw(s). Please do not believe that you can cure them. The only cure, if there can be a cure, is for them to acknowledge they have a problem (realize it) and go for intensive counseling to work through this problem. Because they live in their egos … working on their problem most likely does not occur. They want instant fixes. There is no such thing as an instant fix to anything in life.
Peace.
It’s real hard to deal with the fact that they don’t want to work on any of the problems. The instant we fall off that pedestal because they are hurting us, and say “mean and critical” things, we stop feeding their egos. That’s what makes the attraction fade faster I think.
The way a socio is capable of breaking you down is really sort of amazing. I am intelligent and had a well paying job prior to my P . I came out of that relationship, moved, and felt so stupid I didn’t have confidence enough to even try to get a job cleaning someone’s toilet–wasn’t sure I was “capable” of doing it right. But with time, you can and will begin to get your confidence back. I signed up for a college course–scared to death I wouldn’t even be able to PASS it, much less do well. Turned in a few papers, did well, but still felt less than confident, like maybe it was a fluke. Got my 1st big test back the other day–it had questions, plus a couple of essays that had to be written. When I got it back, I looked at it, and the instructors written remarks telling me I had done an excellent job. I actually cried, because all I could think was, OMG I’m NOT stupid. Sounds sappy, but it’s true.
Wini – About God and reaching higher ground. I don’t have revenge or anger in my heart anymore…just pity for my x-sociopath. For the 2 yrs he was with me, I could see he was struggling with himself…sick inside. He was living a double life for the last year with the OW and it was not right and he knew it. He wouldn’t sleep all night. Many nights he turned on the TV after midnight and put on the Christian station to hear the word of God. Sometimes he would not sleep at all. He would get out of bed 2 am and go to the living room by himself to pray. He knew what he was. He knew what he was doing to people who loved him. He just couldn’t stop it. He would tell me he would sit there and just think about all the mistakes he’d made in his life. When he was thinking, I could see in his eyes he wasn’t there. He was somewhere else.
He wasn’t abusive only to me. He abused his son & daughter verbally. He would get on the phone to their mother on occassion and fly off the handle and call her a whore.
He hates who he is. When he would abuse me I would cry and he would just say, “don’t you think I’ve seen the same tears over and over again from women?” He would say, “i just can’t control it (the verbal abuse.)
I think I took the most abuse than any of them. He wanted to dominate & be the man of the house…but he didn’t make much money and would quit his jobs. I was making good money and have a career. It made him more jealous and think himself worthless. Thus the more abuse I got. He wanted me to be down to his level financially or not work at all. The last 3 months of our relationship he was out of work. I wanted to go to school 2 nights a week for 2 months for a class. He didn’t want me to go. I did anyway. Which escalated things more. I was defiant in being controlled. He couldn’t handle the talk back. He would say “you’re too tough for me.” I would say, “I haven’t changed from when we met. You loved me the way I was. Why are you trying to change me?”
His response “I’m looking at you as a wife now. It’s in the Bible that the man is dominate over the woman.” I was working, going to school and he was doing nothing. For those 3 months, he stepped up the affair with the OW. I never made him feel worthless. I always supported him and told him he has many options. Told him if he wanted, he could go to school since i was able to support everyone anyway. Thus bettering himself. He didn’t do it. He took the easy way out and set up the OW’s place. He was going there for $ too.
While he was with me, he committed workers comp insurance fraud to get fee surgery on his shoulder. I was against it. I told him he didn’t have to be devious and cheat. . he could just go out on disability..that’s what disability insurance is for. Instead, he committed the fraud and jerked the boss around. The boss wanted to fire him but he knew the law prevented it because he was out on workers comp. The next fraud he committed was tax fraud. His sister talked him into claiming her 2 kids lived with him so he could claim the money and split it with her. He couldn’t come up with the supporting paperwork, so the IRS denied his claim. He had to pay the $ back out of the last return. I told him, see what happens when you do something wrong? It will always come back to bite you. He won’t do that again.
When we first split I texted him, “what happened to you that turned you into a sociopathic petty con?” Reply, “pray for me.”
The way I left things with the sociopath was to tell him, “I forgive you, you have a clean slate now and a chance for a better life.”
He’s going to church and says he is trying harder than ever to work things out with the OW. I think he’s just saying that to justify what he did and to have a roof over his head.
He’s not getting it. He knows what he has to do. When we first split he told me: “I need to get my own place. I don’t want anyone to do anything for me anymore. I want to do things on my own. Even if it means getting 2 jobs. I don’t want to take money from anyone.” The words were good but the action is lacking.
Last communication was “maybe God doesn’t want me to be on my own.” Looks like he’s caught back up in the routine. He almost broke free.
I pity him because on top of sociopathy and anti personality disorder (i couldn’t go out in public anywhere with him. He would always cause a scene,) he had a screwed up childhood. His dad was a sociopath. His dad left the mom and he grew up not knowing him. He had a step-father for awhile but he didn’t stick around either. He grew up on the bad streets of Puerto Rico. He was fighting in gangs at 14. At 15, his uncle forced him to fight some kids his age that were picking on him. He said he fought one, then the next, then the next and for that moment he felt anger like neverbefore. That screwed him up. Then the mom sent him to the states to live with his aunt to try to save him. He wound up in the worst place in the US for murders/crime. Soon he was surviving best he could. He trusts no one. He says when he looks at people he doesn’t trust him/her. He says he thinks they look at him the same way and don’t trust him. I told him, if you start trusting people, they will trust you back but you first need to be trustworthy.
I really think the ex-soc truly wants to change but just doesn’t have the ability to make it happen. He does reflect on his mistakes and his life but doesn’t know how to change.
It’s not my problem anymore. I don’t want revenge…just peace. I have peace because I know it wasn’t me.
Wini – One more note regarding God. The x-soc path said when he is right with God then he will look for me. Just another ploy to leave the door open when he needs a place to stay I guess.
Iwonder: Yeah, unfortunately they are not above using God and reigion as a “tool” for their manipulations. Mine, one time, suddenly got all into talking religion, to convince me he changed. God and “his angels” were protecting him and showing him the way. Kept his Bible right next to his bed on the nightstand. Do you think he actually put any action behind all that talk—NOOOOO.
They can read the Bible and spout religious talk just like anyone else. I, personally, believe they just know it is an effective manipulative tool sometimes, and helps them get forgiveness for their “sins” cause any good Christian knows you are supposed to be forgiving. BTW, blink and you’ll see how long after he got what he wanted, that his religious phase lasted.
Jen2008: I do believe when everyone gets past the pain of their ordeals from dealing with their EXs … they will see what I see. Our EXs are chronologically the age we see them and mentally (spiritually) the stunted ages of 5 years old, 6 years old, 7? That’s why they steal and con. They are children and that is the only way they know how to survive. That’s why God is telling us to turn the other cheek when “they” offend us. Because we are dealing with children … and are blinded because our eyes are seeing the chronological person, not using our hearts to see that they are really children. Scared, frightened children who latch onto us because we are the adults. Children wanting attention from adults.
Read back at what bloggers said about their EXs. Look past the pain in which these blogs are written and see the same MO over and over again. I gave my EX this, my EX took that, my EX was irresponsible, my EX took money out of my bank account, my EX stole my credit cards, my EX took this and took that, my EX did this violation to me and that violation to me. It’s all the same story, all children taking because that is how they survive … by taking from adults. They screw up all their jobs because they are children. They aren’t mature responsible adults going to work … they are children playing the roll of adults. Eventually, they get found out and gotten rid of … then what do they do. They latch on to another adult and take, take, take. That’s why they lie. To survive. Tell the person anything they want to hear, so they can survive.
Note:
Learn Mercy from God’s Example (6:35-36)
“But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful” (6:35-36)
Jesus has digressed a bit and generalized his instructions about love to all mankind. But now he narrows the view again to enemies. Anyone can love friends — and we must — but the test of real love comes with loving enemies. And into that school Jesus thrusts his disciples. If they would follow him they must learn the Father’s way, the way of long-suffering, the way of love, the way of mercy. Jesus gives three commands as the elements of this pass-fail exam:
· Love your enemies
· Do good to them
· Lend to them without expecting to get anything back.
Then,
Possessions Are Less Important than Love (6:30)
“Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back” (6:31). Verse 31 follows along in the same vein as vs. 29. When our enemy seeks to take what we own, we are to STILL love him. Our love is to transcend evil deeds. That is Jesus’ point.
Does Jesus mean that we are to give to every beggar or con man we meet? Of course not. He expects us to be good stewards of our money. The point is how we treat our enemies, the radical way we love them.
We can only see them for what they truly are with our hearts, not being fooled with our eyes and logic coming from our brains … after we work through the pain and confusion of what happened when involved with them … be at peace, ask God to help us understand … can we know some of what God wants us to know.
Peace.
Jen: I can be ok with:
1. Love your enemies
2. Do good to them
But I am struggling with #3:
3. Lend to them without expecting to get anything back.
I do not care about the money I lost. I gave that freely. We were both out of work and I used my life savings for us to live for 6 months. I did mention we need to put the money back when we start work again. However, I didn’t expect it back.
I have a big problem though with my home. He asked me to put his name on the deed to my home before he moved in “as security.” “To show we are in a serious committed relationship.” I told him OK as long as you are serious about marriage. He was not serious about marriage and now I need to get his name off the deed to my home. This I want back. so I am really struggling with #3.
The new deed was just drawn up by my lawyer. All he has to do is go to the office to sign. I’ve left messages with the atty’s address, phone #, etc. and asked him to get back to me to tell me if he can make it there by 5 or make other arrangements to meet after 5 to get it signed & notorized. Not one return phone call. Do you think he’ll do the right thing and sign it back this week?? I pray to God everynight.
Wini, when i read the following: “That’s why they lie. To survive. Tell the person anything they want to hear, so they can survive” — I quivered a bit — my understanding from my studies and all my reading is a bit different: from what I have read about sociopaths…they lie because simply: that is JUST WHAT THEY DO. Many are very successful, very very successful: it is far beyond “survival” from what I can see.
However, not all sociopaths are created equal: and some DO lie for the sake of survival I am sure.
Again, that is what I have learned in my own studies…