Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by Lovefraud reader “Presseject.” This is part two of his story. Part one was posted yesterday.
By Presseject
About two weeks after I confronted my S, there was a very dark day in which I was cut to pieces. I am okay now recalling it, but at that time, and for many weeks afterwards, it was like a knife in the heart. I would like to share a bit further with you the silver lining to this part of the story and how that relates to the good work you have done with the site. You see, it went like this:
I had my S visit and stay with me for my birthday weekend. He presented me with fun gifts and a card that included the words signed with “tons of love.” We had been dating for over six months at that point. (This included all the fun, spontaneous “impulsive” trips and arrangements including our visits to Miami, Key West, Palm Beach, Washington DC, New York City, Toronto, and London Ont.) But… while he was staying with me that last visit on my birthday, I happened to glance over at his laptop and saw a heading in his email program on a received email from what I thought was a dating website. So naturally I questioned it and I was told it was no one he knew, that sometimes he visited the site but wasn’t meeting anyone. A real nice birthday surprise!
After he went back, I found the site, having memorized the name of it in the email heading. To find his profile, I had to create one for myself. Once I did this, I saw he was very active at the site, logging in each day and the profile was marked as “looking for a relationship and/or one-on-one.” This left a sinking feeling in me. I thought we had a relationship, so again I needed to let him know it didn’t sit well with me. To do this though took even greater strength. I remember turning to God in prayer at that point to ask for that strength to find and face the truth, whatever it might be. And this was actually the beginning of my new relationship with God. Together with God’s help I knew I was going to get to the truth (I am still in this quest and I will continue this prayer) but little did I know it would turn my world inside out and leave me without the dream of love and feeling something others have described as being emotionally raped.
The day I after I spoke with him about my feelings about the site and his profile which he said calmly he’d “take into consideration,” he sent three typical friendly emails, pictures of himself with family, links to fun websites, nothing out of the ordinary. That evening though, he called and said it was over. He was going to try to find someone closer to where he lived possibly. He said he couldn’t explain me to his family although oddly, a few months prior, he had introduced me affectionately to each and every one of them! I was stunned and expressed my shock, especially after all the birthday gifts and words of love shared the week before. That sinking feeling was the Titanic going down then. To be discarded so quickly without much of a sound reason was baffling and horrible all at the same time.
Somehow I had the sense (when all seemed like chaos and NO sense) to google “personality disorder” along with the word “relationship” about a week after that. It led to the various sites on narcissism that seemed to give hints at what had just happened. (I learned to do searches excluding the words “Sam,” “Vaknin” and “Malignant” after a while). A close friend soon suggested the idea of a sociopath to me. (I still very much like the description one visitor has offered at Lovefraud of a “sociopath parading as a narcissist”) and it was the descriptions of a sociopath I found at Lovefraud that fit so well with my experience of the shock I had experienced of being “discarded.” But somehow, unlike many of the stories I had been reading, I hadn’t sensed that I had been completely “devalued.” (Discarded yes, but devalued?) That maybe my S was not such an S after all. (Later on I would read many entries in the site about those of us who are left wanting to still find hope in these kinds of situations, the appropriate and helpful reference to the Stockholm syndrome in particular). So I was, at that point, very hurt, very confused and still hopeful that love might still triumph. After all, I had never met someone so “nice” and fun to be with (at the beginning of course) and even after the hurt, it then still seemed worth “fixing.” (Part of me now thinks that having that kind sweet hope alive probably serves to help to cushion the extreme shock of what is plainly a hurtful and illogical abandonment.)
So I rose to the occasion, and again called on God to help back me up. It was at that two week time period after his “gotta go now” quick ending of our relationship that I sent one very kind and considerate email suggesting that perhaps that there had been a misunderstanding, that it seemed a shame to throw away all the fun and passionate friendship we had been enjoying so intently. In return, the next day, I received the most caustic, illogical, insulting and degrading note I have ever read from anyone. All I can say is THANK GOD I had found the Lovefraud.com site the week prior because as this horrible dark experience took such a sinister turn, I knew from reading your site enough to know that part of the equation, (the part that was missing) was the “devalued” part. I had been discarded the week before with not much of an explanation. And sure enough, I then had it in full force in front of me, the “devaluing” part, seething with vile and cold inequity.
His heartless letter was filled with twisted statements about my body that he thought revolted him (odd, since throughout the entire six months I was told over and over how desirable I was!) The rest of it was illogical too, the reasoning seemed childish, trivial and hurtful. But it set me free actually. I had prayed to God for strength and understanding. I had found this, God had indeed helped me to find the tools of understanding and knowledge through your site from experts and through the words of other survivors you have helped. Through reading your site, I was somewhat “protected” when this insane letter was received having been somewhat warned about how a sociopath might behave. It was the most startling realization, painful of course yet on the other hand, all the “pieces” of the puzzle now fit. I really can’t imagine how much worse the pain would have been without the good information I had found at Lovefruad.com. Thank you again for being there! Although it was one of the most damaging emotional things I have ever experienced, Lovefraud has been a real part of the silver lining in getting through this storm. The other part I guess is me… I did the hard part of walking through this and caring for myself enough to get my sanity back.
I can tell you this much too; as others have noted here, friends, ministers, group therapy and other places I have turned to did not quite provide the kind of human compassionate understanding I needed to help me through this over the last three months. I was going through days in which I was strong with my new understandings. Other days I was left trying to find even a shred of what my heart had been or felt like. I knew “no contact” was the only option even though I would still get urges to write and send things (new feelings of forgiveness, anger, or needing justice still surface from time to time.) Learning these kinds of individuals cannot change was also helpful. Over time, the hurt I experienced was less and less about my personal shortcomings (through his hurtful words that I had mistakenly held up against myself only adding fuel to his fire he started). Lovefraud helped initially for me to learn some basics about the behaviors (how to identify a sociopath, etc) \and then went even further to help me regain myself again, to learn this could be the start of a whole new positive change for me and my approach to relationships (which I also learned has been punctuated by somewhat similar encounters although nothing as awful as this last one). I am resolved now to keep seeking the truth in others and in myself. I won’t be so quick to be attracted to those with effortless charm and fearless impulsiveness or selfish motives, no matter how “successful” they might be in other areas of their lives. I have learned about my old pattern of picking out this kind of “successful” person from a crowd. I have learned about my own impulsiveness and (controlling) need to be a caretaker to someone emotionally unavailable. It can work in the short run but not for anything more substantial… like love.
That is where I am heading now, towards love, a shared love, and with luck I will find this. Lovefraud has helped and this is why I have taken time to write here, to express continued gratefulness for all those who make this site so helpful. My words are here for God too, as a prayer to share with Him my gratefulness during this recovery period, for His help and the strength he has given me to rise above the chaos with new insights and compassion for myself. To experience how I am able to take responsibility too for my own welfare, to be an active and (still) loving part in this process. God answered my prayer and I believe He will also answer others who ask and pray. (A higher power can do this, however you come to see this and whatever names you choose to use for it)…
To go one step further, my words here are also a prayer for those that are also, at this very moment, trying hard through very difficult times to find their own understanding and strength. I hope you find it and I hope you are also able to set yourself free from all that is cruel, careless and hurtful. (Please read all you can about this kind of disorder, it really helps to get past the hurt from being left in the dark.) We each have this power within us, it is up to each of us to find it and put it to good use!
Iwonder: I totally agree with the condo issue, because that is not HIS, it is YOURS. I would definitely fight a legal battle over that, because first of all, you have an attorney helping fight the battle, so it is not just you going it alone. He might just sign it back over, particularly if he has another woman he sees as a financial meal ticket, but who knows.
But, in the event he doesn’t show up for the appt., if it were me, I’d make sure my attorney understood the signing of the deed was based on his promise to marry you. He didn’t follow thru on his part of the “contract”. I know there was a case in the news not too long ago where some woman (from Florida, I believe) gave up a high paying job to move to another State, based on her fiancees wishes and promise to marry. She no sooner got there, than he changed his mind.
She sued him for breach of contract, and won damages because of lost pay, etc., plus I think (but am not positive) that he also had to reimburse her parents for the costs already paid out for wedding preparations. Just a thought, to keep in mind, in case the situation gets sticky, maybe your Attorney can use that angle, breech of contract, to get your condo back. BTW, although I’m trying, I still have trouble with all three of the items Wini posted.
Hey Jen: I’m hoping he just does the right thing. I told him i’d put his name on the deed but in return, he needs to prove he’s serious about marriage by filing the annulment from his wife (he was separated when we met.) We went to 3 different attorneys because each time we went, he never followed through with the filing. I have all the paperwork from the 3 visits he filled out and signed and the last letter from the court dismissing the last filing due to his lack of prosecution. I also have the cancelled checks i issued to pay for the filings. He is still married. The wife told me he was calling her telling her not to file because they were getting back together. So, FRAUD, FRAUD, FRAUD. Thank God the wife is nice and said she would never think of taking a piece of my property because it is mine and I worked hard for it. She’ll back me up if necessary. For the entire 2 years we were together, he was married to someone else and seeing the OW he is with now. I’ll subpoena her too if need be. It could get ugly. I hope he does the right thing. Pray for me.
Dear Grace63: As I get past the pain and confusion of them, I can look at it logically. My bosses, the union, the co-workers, my EX, other people I know that did damage in my life and took things they needed. It all comes down to survival. Because they are stunted emotionally and spiritually, they are indeed children getting what they need to survive … anything they need. It makes sense to them in their immature minds … it confuses the heck out of mature adults. We don’t have to do what they do … we don’t have to lie and con our way through life because we’ve learned to mature and function. They didn’t learn to mature and function. Period.
We can work and be productive. They work and play games that they are productive. They are the ones that put down co-workers, sabotage, point the fingers at productive workers to take the blame game so people don’t look closely at them that they can’t function in their jobs, they can’t get anything done … if they are smart and figure it out … they have someone beneath them in the chain of command that does their work and they put their names on it. They’ve been doing this for years and getting by in their positions … others doing the work for them and “they” taking the credit. If a subordinate stands up for their rights … they are destroyed by being illegally fired or harassed in work to shut up and go away, transferred, demoted, derogatory warnings/reprimands put in mature worker’s personnel files … whatever it takes for immature personalities to quiet the mature personalities. Shut them up and don’t expose them for being the frauds that they are. Survival. It’s all about survival with them … that’s why they are so ruthless with mature personalities. It’s not that they want to do this … that they get some kick out of it … they need to do this to survive.
Mature people don’t need to play games to survive in the world. The immature … which mental health calls the anti-social personalities “acting out” in society – do have to play games … they can’t function like we function. So, it’s a free for all out there … all in the end for survival.
That’s why they bounce from relationship to relationship. They aren’t mature enough to have an adult relationship, yet they try. They do this for a place to call home …. and in the back of their minds, if the mature partner discovers the truth about them … that they are really living with a child instead of what they assume is an adult … they set up in advance the next mature person they can live with hoping they can stay long enough before this relationship falls apart too.
They aren’t stupid and they want what we all want … to live and survive … except they never learned the lessons in life to survive … they lived in their egos since childhood, not doing the steps to learn lessons in life. Never developing maturity as they aged … only chronologically getting older, but never maturing, never learning responsibilities of how to live an independent life. They are clinging to the mature individuals in society … keeping their masks on … pretending to be the adults that they are not. That’s why they never sit back and learn from any of what they do … they are constantly going and doing chaotic in society. They really don’t understand why we get angry with them … they just know that we get angry. They are frightened, scared little children in adult bodies jumping from relationship to relationship, job to job.
You get my point.
Peace.
Even the DEVIL (Satan) can quote scripture! My P-son can be sooooo religious he will make you want to puke at how HOLY he is…as he sits in his cell for murder, totally PROUD of his crime. Big Billy Bad Ass! They DO use religious and “spiritual” and philosophical sayings to lure us into how “deep” they are.
How sincere and how caring! They learn the words, as Dr. Robert Hare says, but they don’t know the TUNE. And like the most recent political flap, you can put “lipstick on a P (ig) but it is still a P (ig) just with lipstick.” LOL
Love is an ACT it is not just a “feeling”—loving your ememies to me means that you ACT good to them, not revengeful, just like FORGIVENESS is an act, not just a “squishy” feeling. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to trust them, either.
The Ps prove that they HAVE NO LOVE by the way they TREAT us, not by what they say. You can define “love” with the “volume” turned off because you can SEE WHAT LOVE IS BY HOW IT ACTS. If you forget everything your P said to you, and just remember what they DID you can show yourself EXACTLY how much they “loved” you—like NONE. You don’t, no one does, treat the people you love like they treated us.
but OX … maybe they just didn’t have love for us. i still struggle with that. my ex told me ”you can’t force me to love you” after i told him i couldn’t believe he was treating me so poorly. he said, ‘i love you, but not like you want me to.’
what the hell did that mean? i don’t like to think about any of it because it can still make me SO confused. his specialty was twisting my brain around endlessly … i’m in love with you; no, i just love you but i’m not IN love with you; of course i love you, if i didn’t would i be here?; my mere presence proves my love, etc. etc.
but i still have a sneaking suspicion that he DOES treat his other women (wife, new gf) with respect. i think it has to do with them being the mother of his children. he was always big on never letting me say anything disrespectful about his wife because she had his kids. but then again, he was cheating on her too.
oy vey … it’s too early for this.
everyone have a blessed day.
Wini,
I get your point, understand it…but, I don’t agree with most of it…that’s perfectly fine though.
Lostingrief: The first thing that you to understand about Ps is that they don’t have LOVE for anyone other than themselves! My ex played up his son’s mother, as well. Told me that she was a good person and that the reason they split up was because he knew that she was homesick for CA after he moved her and their son to NC. He told me that he finally just told her that he didn’t love her anymore so that she would move back to California. I later learned that the reason for their split is because HER 12 year old daughter accused him of inappropriate conduct towards her! His son’s family was ready to prosecute him or kill him! She left taking her daughter and their son to CA when the son was 3 years old. He’s 17 and my ex has not seen him since. I also later learned that he signed his rights away as a father! As it turned out, the mother of his son was a drug addict and she lost custody of both children to her mother shortly after leaving my ex. I wouldn’t exactly see this woman as a wonderful person. Also, he believed that she never believed her daughter’s accusations–so he saw her as good because he felt she was on “his side”. He spoke with her just a few months before the he left me about the possibility of seeing his son–at my urging because I felt he needed a relationship with the child. At this time, I believed that his son had been taken away from him unjustly because these Ps have a way of making us believe ANYTHING they say! She was very nice to him on the phone, told him that her mother would never allow him to see his son, and then asked him if he’d ever received any help for his “problem”. He became furious! After that, he no longer spoke of her “goodness”. The woman was killed a couple of months afterwards in a motorcyle accident.
He had nothing kind to say about another woman that he has a daughter with. He was never married to either of the children’s mothers. He paid child support by court order to the woman and the child had sent several messages through mutual friends wanting to see her father in order to get to know her. He left this woman when the little girl was 16 months old. She refused to allow him to see the child unless she was present. He said that he didn’t want to have to deal with her. I kept telling him that he had rights as a father and that he needed to take her to court to get visitation rights. We even spoke with an attorney about it and he said that he could get him visitation rights for the tune of $1,500. I saved the money within a couple of months and told him that we were set. He then told me that he just really didn’t want to have to give up his weekends to spend time with his daughter!!! He said this in front of my grown son. After that, my son had absolutely NO respect for him at all.
There is nothing wrong with you that made him NOT love you! Remember, there is something wrong with HIM!
Grace63: Think about it. Would any one do what they do if they didn’t have to do it? It pains us because we would never think about doing what they do to others … but then again, we’re mature, rational and competent individuals who have always done for ourselves to get where we are, what we have… I believe they are spiritually stunted since children … when we see them, we see them with our eyes and our minds … as adults … the chronological age that they are. After we work through the horror and the pain of what they did to us in our lives … and we look at them logically, without the pain … you can see them as the CHILDREN that they really are. Children in adult bodies, lying and scamming and conning to get what they need to SURVIVE. They don’t know how to keep a job, they keep getting fired. Why? Because they are children, that’s why. Children going into adult jobs … trying to fake it … but it doesn’t work, so someone cans them.
Same with my bosses. I always saw the child in them come out. I’d sit across the conference table … and I would see children having temper tantrums, I could visualize all their adult clothes were dripping off of them, children playing dress up in adult clothes. I used to shake my head and say to myself “what am I witnessing here, what are we doing here, no one is making any sense”. Then my bosses would come up to me after the meeting was over and ask my feed back what to do. I’d say, it’s easy, we could just do this or that … well, that’s all that was spoking for about a week with the other bosses … then after, that’s what they would do.
All the time … having to use the real adults to problem solve … take our suggestions as their ideas … and that’s how they disguised it all these years … children going into work acting like adults.
If you get too close and figure them out, they force you out or demote you or kick you in the butt to stop looking at them … let them stay hidden … it’s you that is at fault, not them.
Same with our EXs. They latched on to us because they are children looking for adults to take care of them. They go through the motions of going to bed with you … so we would just assume they are adults … when in reality, they are all children. When the magic is over, within days, they get disappointed that we didn’t miraculously make them grow up … they are looking for the next adult to change them, to help them. Someone, anyone please help us … that’s what’s going through their minds. When they steal our credit cards or money or possessions, it’s because they can’t make money, they can’t buy the things they take from us … they want them … it’s like kids in a candy store … all wide eyed and salavating for them. We just assume that they are as mature as us … not seeing them for the children they really are. We assume they go from person to person calling them the next victim … when in their minds … the next person is their next salvation.
We are looking at them all wrong.
Peace.
Grace63: About 20 years ago I helped a co-worker and her husband out of a financial problem. Of course, it was a bigger mess than she lead on. He was arrested for cashing bad checks. When we went to bail him out the bail bondsman said for us not to waste our money … that we’d have to bail him out for each city individually and he did this across the state … making it how many city’s times the price of this one bond. He was held in jail from Memorial Day weekend and was out Labor Day weekend. The entire summer he spent incarcerated. When we went to court the day he was arraigned … the judge (an elderly judge in his 70s) kept calling him son. Actually, the judge was calling everyone in his court son. My friend’s husband was in his middle 40s at the time and the judge was treating him like he was 5 years old.
The judge knew. The judge new he was a child, as were the others in his court that day.
Peace.
Just found this site yesterday & all I can say is “WOW” I’m not alone nor am I crazy which my husband made me feel that way but of course not at 1st. I was married 2x’s before & said “I’ll never marry again” & then “he” came along & I did meet him on-line. This so called man did not know what to do for me. I felt on top of the world (just 1 yr. ago), felt so beautiful as he said always “your a beautiful person inside & out”. This man paid for everything for me. My food shoppping, make-up, expensive dinners everytime we went out, gave money to my daughter (who is 17 & so messed up cuz of him) all the time as he did not know what to do for her as well. Not to mention vacations, flowers, cards like crazy & more. Well he lived about 1 hr. away & worked 3 hrs. away fom me which he used to sleep over & drive 3 hrs. to work being as he said “I need to be with you all the time”. Met him April 07 & it was like love at 1st site since I thought we had so much in commen & besides all the money he spent on me all we did was laugh all the time to the point my daughter would say “you 2 act like kids”. And that is how I felt. He bought out the very best in me like nobody has ever in my life. We always said we were “soalmates”. Never had 1 argument. I always though wondered where he got his money from since he always had so much cash & did not have a good paying job. As I am writing I am in soooo much pain in my heart & soal as tears are flowing down my face as my life has turned upside down & looking around my house which there are boxes all over since I have to move in 2 weeks & moving from NY to Florida all alone & without my daughter since she is out of control & needs to finish school here in NY & she will be staying with her dad not to mention she hates me as I was always so good & loving to her but as she says “mom why did you have to get married again & so fast”? Well here it comes……about 2 months after dating my “so called husband” asked me if I would marry him while we were on the phone & I said “I would think about it”. As time went on we had gotton closer & closer & he said to me “I want to find a job closer to you & live with you so we can be together all the time”. I did say yes but said “lets wait until the fall”. When ever he wanted to do something (which I realize now) he made sure he got what he wanted & somehow found a job close by me in Aug. 07 & moved in. All was great & he proposed to me in Sept. 07 which he was so romantic & he gave me a dish with angels (since I collect angels & he bought me many) which this dish had all M&M’S which he had made & they all said “I love you”, “will you marry me” & under all the M&M’S was a beautiful engagement ring (which I am selling once I get to Flordia) & of course said yes. We decided to get married where we had our 1st date & went to this fancy restaurant every month for our anniversary so we decided to marry in Nov. 07 as I said “lets get married on your birthday since it will be a day you will cherish” & this man was so happy. We did marry on his birthday & just 2 days before we got married he said he needed money to pay his bills for his co-op which was going into forclosure so of course gave him almost $3,000 which he said he would give it back to me when he sold his co-op. 2 weeks before we married he said he did not want to sleep on my bed since my x husband lived here so we decided to buy a new bed & he put down a small deposit & all of a sudden he calls me from work & said “can you put the balance on your credit card” which I did (should have saw the signs then) & we bought diamond wedding bands which again he put a small deposit & we went to pick it up & it was “my credit cards are maxed out” so again I put the balance on my credit card. At this time I had a knot in my stomach since I felt something wasn’t right but married him anyway & all my friends & family all said “why do you have to get married just live together” as they are no longer as I feel Soooooo ALONE since they did not want to hear me complaining about him anymore which even until now they do not even know half of what went on. Right before we got married I said my x husbands name & he went off on me with horrible name calling but of course apologized. Was so so jealous too. After we married I paid all the bills as he never paid 1 bill since he said he had to pay his bills for his co-op until it sells. The fighting started, the name calling which was disgusting. Always saying “I’m so sorry” (his famous words) so as I could not take the fighting, name calling, he punched a whole in my wall. I told him to leave in Jan.08 which he did & of course took him back & things got from bad to worse as I found out he was in jail for 4 yrs., a drug addict, found 2 guns that he hid in my bedroom which I wanted them out of the house so went he went to work I hid them in my basement since I did not want my daughter to know there were illegal guns in my house so when I through them in a box which 1 of the guns (the bigger 1) fell on my face & was bleeding so bad & now have a nice big scar under my eye & everytime I look in the mirror I think of him…ugh. He also either hid his cell phone or shut it off when he was with me & everytime I would call him when he wasn’t home he would never answer & always said some excuse that my stomach would be in knots so 1 night I woke up in the middle of the night, found his phone & went through it (never did that in my life just did not trust him) couldn’t believe his x who I know he was crazy about was in his contact list & saw he’s been speaking to her & did find credit cards in his wallet which he said he did not have any. He made up the craziest story about his x when I confronted him. He lost his job end of Jan. & still is not working which I ended up paying all the bills with credit cards and more so now in debt for over $80K so the resentment for him kicked in & when I would say something about the bills he would just sit on “my” couch eating chips (which I paid for food) laughing with this sick look on his face & so the name calling became so so bad & putting me down like I was a piece of crap while laughing I said “had enough” & he destoyed my home which I had to call the police & of course the “I’m sorry” again & stupid me took him back just for it to get worse & had to call the police again so now he’s gone since May 08 & stoled alot of things from my house which some I need when I close on my house & had to call him to tell him I need it & this sick man was laughing & said “yeah right you’ll get your stuff back…F.U & hung up. Spoke with him a few times since I want a divorce & he laughs & now tells me how disgusting I am & ugly piece of crap and says “find me”? Cannot believe what has happened to my life because of this man. Lost everything. Money, my daughter, friends, family, my self esteem as I am so wiped out financially, emotionally & physically since I lost over 20lbs. Can’t eat or sleep. I always thought I was smart but now I say “how could I have been so stupid”? Cannot believe where I was 1yr. ago today & where I am today. Yes he calls & cries as I now see it is all an act but I know it has to end since this is no way for ANYBODY & I mean ANYONE to live. When I see his # come up on my phone I do not answer it and sometimes leaves the most disgusting messages on my home phone & cell as my daughter hears this but he could care less as he has no guilt, remorse. Did save all messages though in case I need to call the police. Like Donnna Summers song says…..”Enough is “Enough is “Enough”. I do pray everyday…all day to keep me strong. I am so glad I found this site so I can tell my story & maybe help someone else. I Thank God it was 7 months & not 7 yrs.