Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by Lovefraud reader “Presseject.” This is part two of his story. Part one was posted yesterday.
By Presseject
About two weeks after I confronted my S, there was a very dark day in which I was cut to pieces. I am okay now recalling it, but at that time, and for many weeks afterwards, it was like a knife in the heart. I would like to share a bit further with you the silver lining to this part of the story and how that relates to the good work you have done with the site. You see, it went like this:
I had my S visit and stay with me for my birthday weekend. He presented me with fun gifts and a card that included the words signed with “tons of love.” We had been dating for over six months at that point. (This included all the fun, spontaneous “impulsive” trips and arrangements including our visits to Miami, Key West, Palm Beach, Washington DC, New York City, Toronto, and London Ont.) But… while he was staying with me that last visit on my birthday, I happened to glance over at his laptop and saw a heading in his email program on a received email from what I thought was a dating website. So naturally I questioned it and I was told it was no one he knew, that sometimes he visited the site but wasn’t meeting anyone. A real nice birthday surprise!
After he went back, I found the site, having memorized the name of it in the email heading. To find his profile, I had to create one for myself. Once I did this, I saw he was very active at the site, logging in each day and the profile was marked as “looking for a relationship and/or one-on-one.” This left a sinking feeling in me. I thought we had a relationship, so again I needed to let him know it didn’t sit well with me. To do this though took even greater strength. I remember turning to God in prayer at that point to ask for that strength to find and face the truth, whatever it might be. And this was actually the beginning of my new relationship with God. Together with God’s help I knew I was going to get to the truth (I am still in this quest and I will continue this prayer) but little did I know it would turn my world inside out and leave me without the dream of love and feeling something others have described as being emotionally raped.
The day I after I spoke with him about my feelings about the site and his profile which he said calmly he’d “take into consideration,” he sent three typical friendly emails, pictures of himself with family, links to fun websites, nothing out of the ordinary. That evening though, he called and said it was over. He was going to try to find someone closer to where he lived possibly. He said he couldn’t explain me to his family although oddly, a few months prior, he had introduced me affectionately to each and every one of them! I was stunned and expressed my shock, especially after all the birthday gifts and words of love shared the week before. That sinking feeling was the Titanic going down then. To be discarded so quickly without much of a sound reason was baffling and horrible all at the same time.
Somehow I had the sense (when all seemed like chaos and NO sense) to google “personality disorder” along with the word “relationship” about a week after that. It led to the various sites on narcissism that seemed to give hints at what had just happened. (I learned to do searches excluding the words “Sam,” “Vaknin” and “Malignant” after a while). A close friend soon suggested the idea of a sociopath to me. (I still very much like the description one visitor has offered at Lovefraud of a “sociopath parading as a narcissist”) and it was the descriptions of a sociopath I found at Lovefraud that fit so well with my experience of the shock I had experienced of being “discarded.” But somehow, unlike many of the stories I had been reading, I hadn’t sensed that I had been completely “devalued.” (Discarded yes, but devalued?) That maybe my S was not such an S after all. (Later on I would read many entries in the site about those of us who are left wanting to still find hope in these kinds of situations, the appropriate and helpful reference to the Stockholm syndrome in particular). So I was, at that point, very hurt, very confused and still hopeful that love might still triumph. After all, I had never met someone so “nice” and fun to be with (at the beginning of course) and even after the hurt, it then still seemed worth “fixing.” (Part of me now thinks that having that kind sweet hope alive probably serves to help to cushion the extreme shock of what is plainly a hurtful and illogical abandonment.)
So I rose to the occasion, and again called on God to help back me up. It was at that two week time period after his “gotta go now” quick ending of our relationship that I sent one very kind and considerate email suggesting that perhaps that there had been a misunderstanding, that it seemed a shame to throw away all the fun and passionate friendship we had been enjoying so intently. In return, the next day, I received the most caustic, illogical, insulting and degrading note I have ever read from anyone. All I can say is THANK GOD I had found the Lovefraud.com site the week prior because as this horrible dark experience took such a sinister turn, I knew from reading your site enough to know that part of the equation, (the part that was missing) was the “devalued” part. I had been discarded the week before with not much of an explanation. And sure enough, I then had it in full force in front of me, the “devaluing” part, seething with vile and cold inequity.
His heartless letter was filled with twisted statements about my body that he thought revolted him (odd, since throughout the entire six months I was told over and over how desirable I was!) The rest of it was illogical too, the reasoning seemed childish, trivial and hurtful. But it set me free actually. I had prayed to God for strength and understanding. I had found this, God had indeed helped me to find the tools of understanding and knowledge through your site from experts and through the words of other survivors you have helped. Through reading your site, I was somewhat “protected” when this insane letter was received having been somewhat warned about how a sociopath might behave. It was the most startling realization, painful of course yet on the other hand, all the “pieces” of the puzzle now fit. I really can’t imagine how much worse the pain would have been without the good information I had found at Lovefruad.com. Thank you again for being there! Although it was one of the most damaging emotional things I have ever experienced, Lovefraud has been a real part of the silver lining in getting through this storm. The other part I guess is me… I did the hard part of walking through this and caring for myself enough to get my sanity back.
I can tell you this much too; as others have noted here, friends, ministers, group therapy and other places I have turned to did not quite provide the kind of human compassionate understanding I needed to help me through this over the last three months. I was going through days in which I was strong with my new understandings. Other days I was left trying to find even a shred of what my heart had been or felt like. I knew “no contact” was the only option even though I would still get urges to write and send things (new feelings of forgiveness, anger, or needing justice still surface from time to time.) Learning these kinds of individuals cannot change was also helpful. Over time, the hurt I experienced was less and less about my personal shortcomings (through his hurtful words that I had mistakenly held up against myself only adding fuel to his fire he started). Lovefraud helped initially for me to learn some basics about the behaviors (how to identify a sociopath, etc) \and then went even further to help me regain myself again, to learn this could be the start of a whole new positive change for me and my approach to relationships (which I also learned has been punctuated by somewhat similar encounters although nothing as awful as this last one). I am resolved now to keep seeking the truth in others and in myself. I won’t be so quick to be attracted to those with effortless charm and fearless impulsiveness or selfish motives, no matter how “successful” they might be in other areas of their lives. I have learned about my old pattern of picking out this kind of “successful” person from a crowd. I have learned about my own impulsiveness and (controlling) need to be a caretaker to someone emotionally unavailable. It can work in the short run but not for anything more substantial… like love.
That is where I am heading now, towards love, a shared love, and with luck I will find this. Lovefraud has helped and this is why I have taken time to write here, to express continued gratefulness for all those who make this site so helpful. My words are here for God too, as a prayer to share with Him my gratefulness during this recovery period, for His help and the strength he has given me to rise above the chaos with new insights and compassion for myself. To experience how I am able to take responsibility too for my own welfare, to be an active and (still) loving part in this process. God answered my prayer and I believe He will also answer others who ask and pray. (A higher power can do this, however you come to see this and whatever names you choose to use for it)…
To go one step further, my words here are also a prayer for those that are also, at this very moment, trying hard through very difficult times to find their own understanding and strength. I hope you find it and I hope you are also able to set yourself free from all that is cruel, careless and hurtful. (Please read all you can about this kind of disorder, it really helps to get past the hurt from being left in the dark.) We each have this power within us, it is up to each of us to find it and put it to good use!
Iwonder I noticed that these guys like to make themselves jealous sometimes by imagining you with another man or even imagining you are cheating on them. I think it’s just part of their wanting to feel something.
My ex-bf has a song on one of his profiles that is an enormous trigger for me now.. “Pain” by Three Days Grace.. one of the lines repeated many times is “I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.”
Kat: My ex-soc acted jealous all of the time as a control/maniuplation tool. He would accuse me of looking at guys and walk out of public places. As if I was almost in training so after awhile I would look down everywhere I went so not to provoke a scene. He also constantly accused me of cheating because he thought everyone’s mind worked like his…if he were cheating, then everyone must be a cheater, even me. He started creating the scenerio in his head that i was cheating and therefore his cheating was justifyable to get even. I kept telling him that he was reacting to things he created in his head but he wasn’t getting it. Their brains are wired differently than ours. He also trusted no one. He had no male friends..no female friends (other than the ow he was cheating on me with.) He said when he looks at people, he doesn’t trust them and when they look back at him, he feels they don’t trust him either. The sociopath has serious mental issues.
Dear Presseject,
I have a question, and I may sound clueless, but why did you learn to exclude “Sam” “Vaknin” and “Malignant” from your searches?
I’m still sorting out the pieces and have read some of this stuff. Did I miss something….or should I have?
Iwonder, you are TOOOOO MUCH GF! LOL ROTFLMAO
Dear escaped, I’m not Presseject, but I think he must have been referring to Sam Vanknin’s various sites. The Malignant comes from some of Sam’s writings. Sam is an admitted N who has written books from an Ns point of view. He makes his living I think writing these books and posting on blogs and setting up blogs to sell his books.
Some of the stuff he writes isn’t too bad I think, but some of this stuff is definitely N-ish. He sort of creeps me out, though. I wonder how much of what he says about himself is true and how much is “hype”—anyway, I quit reading any of his stuff after he posted a thread on a blog (which was later taken down) “proving” that JESUS WAS A NARCISSIST. LOL
Dear Iwonder: Have you read about the Givers and Takers of the world. Takers being the control freaks of society, manipulating everyone for their own selfish reasons?
Read this site http://www.abusefacts.com/articles/Givers-Takers.php
Besides reading about the givers takers in our world, this site (for all the church leaders of the world) tells you exactly what everyone is going through dealing with anti-socials (the church leaders call them Trouble Makers).
Peace. Knowledge is power. Power to help you heal.
Wini: That sounds like a good book. I just finished reading The Sociopath Next Door. I’ll have to read that one too.
Ox: One troubling piece of information I discovered greatly disturbs me. I was thinking of it all night. In Dec 06, 5 mos into the relationship, I found a Christmas card from someone named T… Not really romantic..just said have a wonderful day sweetheart. I didn’t think anything of it. There were girls at work that had crushes on him. Then when I discovered the other woman’s name in May 08, it was like God laid all the pieces of the puzzle out for me. Several days prior, I found another Christmas card from Dec 07 from “T”. This was was really romantic. 2 days later, I got her full name by accident from the nurse’s register at school. she picked the son up one day before I got there. Then I got her work info because he got sloppy and I found her paycheck stub between the car seats when I got the car back.
“T” may have been in on the con the entire time because when I searched on intelius to find her, the report shows she moved from the town she works…to our town. I don’t know exactly when but it seems to me she either moved here on her own to be with him, or, he set her up to move here so he could move out from me to her so his kid could go to school here.
So either he was conning her telling her to move here, or they planned it together. But, 8 mos into our relationship he was on the deed to my home and obviously had a relationship with her too…all along. There is no way she didn’t know he was living with me. And, I just remembered the connection with “T”s vehicle. He used that vehicle to move into my home 3/07. This is the month he asked I put his name on the deed.
There was also a disturbing conversation I had with the ex last fall. He said he wasn’t thinking of marriage last year and would discuss it in June after the school year was out. I asked him then to sign the deed back over and he refused. He said he talked to a friend who said it would be his word against mine. He said I will fight you for it. This friend has to be “T.”He has no “friends.”
“T” was aware the entire time what was going on. The sociopath stayed in my home the whole time for a place to live to live for free while he was setting up the 2nd home with her. I believe they were planning to steal my property.
They thought they would end up with the car I paid for and half my home. He did not plan on me finding out her name, address or anything. He was just going to leave..like a thief in the night. After I kicked him out he still had the nerve to ask if he could keep the car…with the loan in my name..registered to me…insured to me..and just make payments. I told him I’m not chasing him down every month to see if he paid. I told him to have Tamara put the loan in her name and he could have it. I guess her credit sucks too because he couldn’t do it.
He does not want me communicating with T. Since yesterday, I let him know I know where she works and that I will go to her job to drop off the deed papers to sign, he is nervous. Doesn’t want me to involve her. He said don’t get her involved. She didn’t do anything.
I overnighted the deed papers and he should get them today. He is supposed to have them back to me..signed..by the end of the week. I threatened to go to the prosecutor and the media with the story.
Hopefully, this story will end this week. I’ll get back what’s mine and the 2 can live off eachother. They’re down to using the one car she has. She has to taxi him everywhere or he uses it as he pleases. They both have little income, no credit. No more free meals from me. No more extra school clothes from me for the son. The kid won’t get double-Christmas presents this year.
I screamed at him on the phone yesterday, “What you did was a scam, a con, a fraud! You were both trying to steal my property! She was in on it because you used her car to move into my home way back in March 07!!”
Was I scammed? Yes! Was T scammed too or is she in on the con? I
Reminder to eveyone: Meditate on Romans 8:32–
”He that did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not also with Him, freely give us all things.”
Through Jesus’ sacrifice, you deserve everything He paid for you to have—
spirit,
soul,
body,
finances,
relationships—
all things.
Realize: torment, pain and suffering are from the devil!
Do not think for a moment that God wants you to suffer in these ways.
John 10:10 says, “the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy…”
Acts 10:38 says, “…Jesus went about…healing ALL that were oppressed OF THE DEVIL.”
Peace everyone, peace.
Dear Iwonder: After you read this message I’m sending, scroll back up and read what I sent to everyone … this way, I don’t have to repeat it.
Do yourself a favor, before you burn yourself out with the stress he’s created.
Stop thinking about him, her and the swindle they pulled on you or what he did solo. It’s just going to drive you crazy and you will probably never know all the details of what they did anyway.
I’m not being sarcastic when I say this … I want you to focus on healing yourself from the likes of them. Both of them. If she’s in on the con, you will not know. If she’s a victim, she’ll soon be blogging on here with the rest of us. Most likely, she’s not in on it … but you never know. Selfish is as selfish does.
Pray to God for him to help you with what they did to you … and let God handle it. Put your faith in God to resolve your problems/any problems.
God sends psychos in our paths to remind us to be faithful to God. That’s in the Givers and Takers site I asked you to double click on. It’s not a book that private citizens can buy (I don’t think we can buy this book??). It’s a site listed on the Net for Church leaders … what, how, when to deal with Trouble Makers (their word for anti-social personalities).
I found the site because my Dad used to tell me that there are two types of people in the world, Givers and Takers. You can never make a Giver a taker and vice versa you can never make a Taker a giver. So I finally put the 2 words in the search engine and located this site. I thought it helpful for all the LF readers so I write for LF’s to go take a look. It eased my pain.
Back to you. The more you focus on him, the longer the pain lingers. You need to pamper yourself, be good to yourself, put music that you like to listen to and dance around your room … dance while you are doing housework, dance while you are doing laundry, dance while you do dishes, or mopping the kitchen floor. Dance and sing and let your sorrows go to the wayside.
If you are retaining an attorney for the situation he scammed you on … by all means proceed with this avenue.
Until then, clear your mind of him. Why? Because there is a partner waiting for you … and you don’t want to be messed up before you meet the perfect partner for you. You want to be focused on the positive, leaving all the negativity behind you … so when that perfect partner comes into your space … your heart will be open towards him. That’s why.
I know, I know, easier said than done … but, the sooner you focus on the good things about your life … the sooner the reality of good will come into your life.
Believe me, I’ve been there, done that, started focusing on the positives in my life after I was down in the dumps about him and what was happening simultaneously (my bosses and their crummy cronies) … and it works.
Remember that all of us on LF speak the same language … if you find family and friends don’t quit understand ALL that you have gone through.
Keep your head up high … be good to yourself.
Peace.
Bravo Wini ! well said.
Dear I wonder,
It really doesn’t, as Wini, pointed out if she was another victim (possible) or if she was “in on it” in full or partly (also possible.)
If you can threaten him sufficiently with “exposure” or involving her, or whatever works, fine. Sounds like you might be able to get him to sign over the condo at least with just threats, but who knows, you might actually have to retain an attorney.
The main thing I think ALL of us should get out of this is that we need to PROTECT OURSELVES and our property from ANYONE—I am a FIRM believer in Pre-nups and no mingling of funds between lovers, husbands and wives, etc. unless it is a very young couple who have “nothing together.”
I have seen too many cases where a young couple married, built a business together and then 20 years later, he rips her off completely so he and his OW can get it all, or almost all.
My late husband and I both had children and assets when we married, we were married for 20 yrs before his death, but we had a pre-nup before we were married that protected me from his children, and vice versa. I was fortunate that my step kids weren’t greedy but if they had been, I would have been protected.
Fifty percent of all first marriages end in divorce, and 75% of all second marriages end in divorce, I don’t know about others, but you know CAUTION financially is not a bad thing in a marriage, or a relationship.
There are ways you can “protect” your property (condo, house, car, cash or whatever) without putting someone’s name on the DEED. One great way is a WILL. Wills can be easily changed or torn up.
But, Keep in mind that people can actually kill you over your possessions. You don’t have to be Donald Trump or have as much money as Midas to be targeted for murder to get your possessions. Look at that couple in California that the fake Rockefeller killed? For a Truck? Even though my family, because we didn’t trust my DIL much, and because we thought my son C might be influenced by her, and because we did NOT want her daughter or her to have the land which has been in our family since 1833, we set up a TRUST that would let my sons live here the rest of their lives, but they could not sell it, and if they had no biological children at their deaths it went to a charity that we support, a group home for children. Even then, there was a “loop hole” in that trust, that our attorney didn’t see, and we didn’t either—but my P son and his Trojan HOrse got a copy of the trust, then decided to kill me, so that he couldn’t be cut out entirely from the other assets of the trust, and would at least have the use of the farm and any income from it. It only amounted to killing me before my mother died, and once I was gone, I have no doubt that she would have “fallen” and hit her head hard enough to kill her. So they would have been in possession of the entire assets of the trust, money and lands, three homes, etc. From letters my son wrote, you can also infer that my two other sons wouldn’t have survived long, and it would have been ONLY the P-son and the Trojan Horse P, but knowing my P-son, the Trojan horse P wouldn’t have survived long. They were all so arrogant that they figured they would be able to commit these murders and GET AWAY WITH THEM ALL. I was to “commit suicide” in my despair and desperation of losing my husband, then mom would have an “accident,” and they would work the rest out after that. It all sounds like some BAD detective novel, but their arrogance is unbelieveable.
Who knows, Iwonder, what your X had planned? Not all of them are would-be killers, or serial killers, but I think most of them are quite capable of murder as well as fraud, and at the very least I think this guy was out to defraud you, by what you said about him “refusing” to sign the condo back earlier in the relationship.
If I ever do get married again, you can bet I will keep my assets separate from my spouse, and I would sincerely advise anyone to do so. If they truly love you, it should be no problem, and if they don’t, you are protecting yourself legally.
Estate and asset protection is not an expensive or complex process, but it is well worth the trouble. I’m NOT rich, but I do own my home and all my vehicles and have a small retirement income (which with the price of gas going up is “shrinking” rapidly) but why would I want to get “hooked up” with some guy whose past financial record is such that he can’t buy a car (no credit) and doesn’t have a “pot or a window” and hasn’t got a solid work history, or at least a modest retirement income and is FINANCIALLY STABLE (pays his bills reguarly)?
There are times in my life I have been penniless (after my divorce) but I did not depend on someone else to support me and my children. To me, if someone is wanting you to “support” them, provide them a place to live, food, clothing, vehicles, etc. THAT IS A BIG RED FLAG. It shows that they have not lived a “stable” lifestyle. Even after my divorce when my P-XFIL got a guardianship over my X-husband and left me financially high and dry, I still managed, even with two kids. I got ripped off almost 99% but I managed to be responsible for myself and my children. I kept my credit score by not borrowing money I couldn’t/wouldn’t pay back. I think many times (not always) that a “bad credit” score is an indicator that you might look at in a potential partner to raise a RED FLAG. Sometimes VICTIMS also get in a shape that their credit is ruined by the P, but it is just all a part of the OVER ALL PICTURE when you are getting involved with someone. I think the victims whose credit has been ruined by a P-partner would not be so much looking for a “hand out” as a P who has not lived a stable life.
Anyway, just some food for thought about how we let them rip us off. I was completely ripped off by my X-FIL, and had to start over from scratch with two kids in tow, so I’ve BEEN THERE with the financial devestation as well. If my husband and I had had a written agreement when we married, though, I might have been “saved” from a great deal of the problem where the COURTS decide—based on lies.