UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: This Lovefraud reader, who posts as “Snow White,” previously wrote an article called “The heart thief.“ Here’s what she says about your sociopathic partner — no matter how much you want to believe, he is not Prince Charming.
Fairy tales — the fantasy of every girl. A story of fantastic forces and beings. A tale of improbable events that will lead to a happy ending. Or perhaps — a more sinister story designed to mislead. Any woman would have to agree that when someone comes along who is completely and totally smitten with you, showers you with affection and attention like you’ve never experienced in all your life, you start to think that maybe this is the person I am supposed to be with. You want to believe in the fairy tale that he so poetically spins. But beware and heed the lyrics that Taylor Swift so profoundly sings, “I’m not a princess — this ain’t a fairy tale.”
Meeting Prince Charming
Once upon a time, at a workout studio in a quaint suburb, I met Charming, as I’ll refer to him, a handsome, quiet, shy man in great physical shape. For four years, I would see him daily in our workout class. At first he remained in the back of the room and didn’t speak with anyone. Eventually, he made his way to the front of the class where he could be the center of attention among all the women in the room. The class was fun and interactive. Everyone would joke and share stories during the workout. I had been a member of the studio for seven years and had many friends there. As time went on, Charming would make his way over to my side of the room and share his story with me. He would tell me about his hardships as well as make small talk and joke with me. He was divorced and his wife recently remarried. She then moved out of town with their children. He lost his job. His father was seriously ill and eventually died. During the time we worked out together, he led everyone to believe that he was casually seeing someone. He downplayed his five-year relationship with his girlfriend, leading everyone to believe he was available. However, I didn’t learn about the extent of his relationship with her until much later. He was very guarded about his privacy but for some reason wanted to let me in.
I truly believed that we were friends. After all, isn’t that what friends do, share their stories and provide support to each other? I have been married for 25 years and always thought I was happily married, perhaps a little lonely as my husband worked out of town quite often, but wasn’t unhappy. I was actually quite content with my life, that is, until Charming started convincing me otherwise. I knew that he was unemployed and felt sorry for him. My husband and I were doing major renovations in our home and needed some painting done. Knowing he could use the money, we hired him to paint. Little did I know that he came in to my home, saw what we had, and wanted it for himself.
He told me he started dating a new woman who I would like as we were in the same profession. One day my husband and I and three other couples were planning a night out, so I invited him and his girlfriend and some other friends from the studio to join us. After the evening out, he texted me saying that he wasn’t really interested in his date and she wasn’t the one for him. I didn’t think much of it and told him that she was really nice and they seemed natural together. In hindsight, he was laying the foundation for me to believe he was single.
Charming was a lost soul. Every woman he had ever dated did him wrong. Everything in his life was someone else’s fault. His ex-wife cheated on him. His ex-girlfriend of five years wasn’t there for him and her son was behaviorally disordered and disrespected him. He caught his current girlfriend pursuing other men on a dating website while they were together. The other women he dated only wanted him for sex. He wanted a serious relationship and wanted to be married. Women today were only interested in sex. They didn’t want committed relationships. He lost his job because his new boss was incompetent.
More than friendship
I really felt sorry for Charming. I was there for him when he needed to talk, providing positive support encouraging him that he would find someone who would love him forever. Before I really realized what was happening, he started texting me day and night. We continued to text each other, casually talking about our lives and interests and how we had so much in common. Then one fateful evening, I received the text:
Charming: I think we are in trouble — this is more than a friendship — I am attracted to you.
Snow White: There may be an attraction, but I have never and will never cheat on my husband. We can get beyond this and remain friends.
The next day he persisted in his texts. I told him that we needed to talk face to face. I met him and told him in no uncertain terms that I cannot act on this and could not conceive of hurting my husband. I told him that he will find the woman for him. I am 6 years old than him and never in my life did I consider dating a younger man, let alone cheat on my husband. I was confident that the friendship would prevail. Over the next two months, we continued texting. He talked about how we had so much in common. We had both only been in two real relationships our entire life. We both had long-term marriages. We had limited sexual experience. Well that was true of me, definitely not true of him, as I later learned. We had the same interests.
Future wife
He started making comments about my marriage and husband, telling me that if I were truly happily married, I wouldn’t be talking to him. He said he saw how my husband looked at other women. That he believes my husband disrespects me and isn’t there for me. One day when I was sick with a sore throat and drove myself to the doctor’s office, he commented on why my husband didn’t take me. If we were together, he would be there for me.
We were destined to be together. I was his soul mate. He had been around long enough to know that I was to be his FW “future wife,” calling me Mrs. Charming. He would give me everything I need as a couple. It was love, texting LY “Love You.” Saying, “You. Must. Be. With. Me.” On and on it went.
I started to question my marriage. Maybe he was right. I had never felt this type of intense connection. Were we meant to be together? I was starting to believe. At this point I was emotionally hooked. I tried on several occasions to stop talking with him. He would be on the verge of crying when I told him we couldn’t talk. I felt sorry for him and would break down and contact him or he would contact me. He had become my best friend, one by one replacing all others. He would text and call me throughout the day. The bond between my husband and I began to loosen. I became spellbound — blinded and incapable of seeing the signs. Or as I now know, I was love bombed with a force so powerful it rendered me helpless. Yes, ME, a strong, confident, educated woman, overwhelmed and crying every day. How could I be meant to be with someone other than my husband? I immediately sought counseling. It didn’t help.
Pursuit
He relentlessly pursued me for months. It didn’t bother him in the least that I was an emotional wreck. In fact, I believe it empowered him. One evening I was out for a run and I received this text:
Charming: Turn around
Snow White: Why
Charming: I’m parked at the corner. Turn around.
I hopped in his car and told him, “I can’t do this.” A wicked grin appears on his face. It didn’t faze him in the least. He was on a mission and nothing would deter him. I had mistaken his stalking tendencies for romance and love.
I’m not sure how it happened, but one day he turned the tables on me. At this point I believe he realized that I was emotionally hooked and used it to blackmail me. He told me that he had had enough, if I couldn’t be with him, we could no longer talk. I agreed to stop talking with him and met with him to give him a Christmas present I had bought. I actually bought small Christmas ornaments for a few of my closest friends at the studio, including him.
Now physical
The day I met him to end our communications and give him his gift was the beginning of the end. I know I shouldn’t have met him, but I did. When I arrived at his apartment, I handed him the gift, he lifted me off the floor, kissed me, and carried me to his bedroom. The emotional affair was now physical. I could not resist. The experience was one like no other, so intense. What I thought was exclusive to making love with me — the intense eye contact, the hypnotic stare, the slow and passionate way he moved, the transformation of his personality into this highly sensual being — I later realized is how he is with every woman. He would often tell me that every woman he had ever been with said that he was an exceptional lover. And he was. But he used sex as a method of control. He knew that once I had sex with him, I could no longer be married.
Where he previously only controlled me emotionally, he now controlled me physically. I was on an oxytocin high, which further intensified my bond with him. I was so confused and truly believed because I slept with him, I could no longer be married. He started pressuring me to leave my husband and move in with him. He would tell me that he was alone and waiting for me. “Hurry up. I need you. I am all alone. I am waiting for you.” He professed. He emptied his closet and texted me a photo of it, telling me he was ready for me to move in. I began to crumble.
I couldn’t handle the pressure any more. And I could no longer sleep with my husband after sleeping with him. I broke down and told my husband that I could no longer be married to him. He was crushed and didn’t understand. I told him the whole story. He then started pressuring me. Totally confused, I was unraveling at warp speed. Charming was now doing everything in his power to make me jealous and create a sense of urgency for me to move in with him. Reeling with confusion, I finally left my home and stayed with a girlfriend for a few weeks to sort things out.
Read more: 7 reasons not to have sex with a sociopath
While staying with my girlfriend, I spent some time with Charming. But things did not feel right. I really wasn’t ready to leave my marriage and felt that I had been pressured into it. Charming assured me that once I started my new life, I would be fine. He had all the answers. As long as I did what he said and didn’t question him, life would be great. But I couldn’t move from one relationship to another like flipping a switch. I didn’t really notice any red flags with him at this point because I thought that gut feeling I was experiencing was solely because I was dealing with the devastating emotions of leaving my husband and home.
Controlling presence
After three weeks, I realized that Charming had no intention of making our relationship public. Just as he had hidden his relationship of five years from everyone at our workout studio, he planned on hiding his relationship with me. That was the first time I saw a red flag. I told him that I would no longer workout at the studio if he planned on hiding our relationship. Working out with him was no longer fun. I now felt his controlling presence — he was listening to my conversations with others, whispering sexual comments to me during the class, and purposing flirting with other women there to make me jealous.
I was giving up everything in my life, had left my home, was ready to file for divorce, and his life didn’t change at all. He wouldn’t make our relationship public because he didn’t want to be blamed for ending my marriage. He was so concerned about his image, yet he thought nothing of destroying my life. I later surmised that he didn’t want the women at the studio to know we were together because then he would have no chance of hooking up with anyone there.
By the third week, I still had this nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. I attributed these feelings to the demise of my marriage and not with the red flags I was seeing with him. Had I been single, would I have noticed the signs? I believe it is difficult enough for single people to recognize the red flags, but for those of us who are married, being involved with a sociopath only magnifies and clouds the confusion.
Charming was not happy that I was staying with a friend as he wanted me to live with him. He said that he didn’t consider us a couple unless we lived together. I needed to take it slow. By the end of the third week, I met him for pizza. It was there that I saw Mr. Hyde. The man who had professed his love for me, espousing his life plan for me as his future wife, now tells me that he doesn’t think he’ll ever marry again. Not that I had plans for marriage with this man, but the just the fact that he told me he loved me so much and wanted me as his wife led me to believe that he really did love me. His demeanor changed completely. No affection. No kiss good bye. He was a completely different person now that I left my husband. I simply replied that I knew someday I would marry again but it would be long into the future. He was playing head games with me. I should have called him on it right then and there. However, it was then that I realized I needed to go home, pack my belongings, and make plans to make it on my own.
When I returned home I apologized to my husband for ruining our marriage. We started to divide household belongings, and I started to pack. I was preparing to move forward with our divorce. My husband was very upset but really didn’t want a divorce. I was so confused and truly believed that I could no longer be married.
Unprotected sex
I continued to see Charming, but still had that nagging feeling. Is there something missing in his eyes? It’s hard to explain, but there is definitely a void there. He insisted on having unprotected sex, which I refused, but the condom broke. When I asked him if he had had unprotected sex recently, he denied it. He didn’t sound convincing so I pressed him on the issue. He admitted that he had in fact had unprotected sex. I scheduled an appointment for an HIV test. When I told him that I was going to get tested and that he should think about it too, he got really upset and wanted to know when I would get the results. He said he had no intention of getting tested and rushed to hang up the phone.
For the next three days, I didn’t hear from him. Valentine’s Day fell within this period and yet no texts or calls. Now here was a man that was texting or calling me day and night, my supposed soul mate, blah, blah, blah. When I needed him the most, he abandoned me. I thought about ceasing all communications with him then, and the only reason I texted him three days later was to give him the results, which thankfully were negative. His response was short — saying he was working and couldn’t talk. I now believe he was already pursuing his next target by this point, and had to hide my text from her just like he had hidden others’ texts from me.
The next morning he texts me to say hello as if nothing had ever happened. That’s when I told him he abandoned me. That I was freaking out about the results and he totally shut me out. Remember, he’s the man who told me my husband wasn’t there for me when I had to drive myself to the doctor for a routine visit for a sore throat. Ironically, my husband was the one who came with me to get the results and hold my hand while I was freaking out. That’s when I knew I had to get this man out of my life. I told him that I was really confused and needed to follow my counselor’s advice and spend some time alone.
Learning the truth
Two days later I checked his facebook page, and saw a post saying “Enjoy your day with Amy”. You see, he is a maintenance worker for an apartment complex. The complex provides low income housing. I remember him saying, “Now that the complex is subsidized, a lot of single mothers would be moving in.” It didn’t occur to me that this would become his predatory playground — the perfect job for a sociopath. When I saw the post, I texted asking him to please tell me that he was moving on so that we could both get closure. You see, he didn’t want to even give me the closure I needed to move on after all those months of manipulation and emotional abuse. I had everything in the works to build a house and go through with the divorce all because he had me believing that he was the one. He denied that he was seeing anyone, even with the proof in black and white. His last text to me simply stated that he was upset that I hadn’t moved out of my home, even though the divorce proceedings had started, and that I was the one confused. He said that when I figure it out to give him a call. If he doesn’t hear from me, then he knows his answer. He took absolutely no responsibility for his actions.
I had been completely mindf***ed all these months. I was in shock and so confused. I contacted his ex of five years. She graciously called me and spent an hour on the phone confirming all his lies. He cheated on his wife with at least two different women that she knows about. He engaged in threesomes with his wife over two years, saying that it was her idea and that she is bisexual — I’ll never know the truth on that. However the threesomes weren’t enough to keep him happy, as he abandoned his wife for a girl he met at his apartment complex. He left behind his 4-year-old and 12-year-old, and stopped paying the bills. His wife and children were left in the countryside; she had no driver’s license or car. The house went into foreclosure. His wife did not cheat on him. In fact she was so distraught over the break up that she left her wedding dress on the floor in the house when she was forced to move. While he was married, he had a free apartment at the complex he set up for himself without his wife knowing.
He cheated on his girlfriend numerous times, joining a dating website while he was still with her. While he lived with her, he provided no financial support except for buying some groceries occasionally. I even recall him saying that he disliked her son and never bought him one thing, this from a man who essentially lived with her son for five years. She found out that he was cheating on her the day before she was to throw his 40th birthday party. She went ahead with the party, but now regrets it. While in the five-year relationship, she had thought they were trying to conceive a child. When it wasn’t happening, she had him go to the doctor to get checked. The doctor called and said that he had a zero sperm count and that he must have had a vasectomy. He lied when she confronted him, and then eventually confessed. That was the last straw for her, and she broke up with him. While I was with him, be bragged about how he had the vasectomy under her nose. I’m happy to report that this woman is now married, and they are expecting their first child. He learned the passwords to her email account and would monitor her communications, even after they broke up.
Regarding the girl friend who supposedly was still looking for guys on the dating website while she was dating Charming — she actually went online to check up on him. She had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right so she investigated. When she confronted him with the fact that the dating website dates and times all log-ons, he was caught. Of course, he took no responsibility and blames her for the break up.
I now know why, as he confided in me, all his exes were on antidepressants.
The Red Flags
I wish I knew then what I know now. After reading Red Flags of Love Fraud: 10 Signs You’re Dating a Sociopath, I now see clearly that “Prince Charming“ is a sociopath. I was stunned by the clear and precise process outlined in the book, which Charming used to achieve his objective — ME. The 10 signs illustrate that my situation is a textbook example of the strategies these individuals employ when in hot pursuit of their next victim. Fortunately for me, my husband never gave up on me. We have been seeking counseling and are on the road to recovery.
In retrospect, here are the Red Flags I noticed:
- Stalking/pursuit that seemed like romance
- Texting and calling all day long
- Love bombing
- Brilliant at making me feel sorry for him
- Highly sexual and impulsive: threesomes, multiple partners, having sex in cars, in public, in the workplace
- Narcissistic
- Mirrored all my values and interests
- Disregard for my emotions and for the effects on my family
- Showed no emotion except sexually or when angry
- Slowly started alienating me from my workout studio, family, friends
- Lies, lies, lies
- Spoke negatively about ex-wife, made degrading sexual comments about past girlfriends
- Continuously adding women friends to his Facebook page, which looks like a little black book
- Has not one male or female friend; there was absolutely no one in his social circle who could attest to his character
- Gaps in the story — would say he was only in two committed relationships over the last 25 years, then would tell me about other women he dated
- Emotionally blackmailed me into having sex with him
- Thought of himself as Superman, invincible, and immune to diseases
- Believed that every woman wanted him
- Brilliant at emotional control
- Used sex as a method of control
- Had no plans for the future and had a hard time planning one week out
- Said that if given cause, he would have to monitor my texts and emails
- Had various women in different stages — while I was the main target, he would randomly get a text and would dismiss it as some woman from his past he was no longer involved with. He was simply keeping her in a holding pattern while he was pursuing me, rinse and repeat
- Continued to stalk his ex
- Took absolutely no responsibility for his actions
Learn more: Lovefraud Understanding and Recovery 5-part Masterclass
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 20, 2012.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The heart thief
Hi skylar
Thanks for your feedback He absolutely distorted the reality of my life….ever do slowly. He even said to me “I’ve got you in my bubble and you can’t get out”
So scary!
Snow
20 years
Like you I had never cheated on my husband We gave been together for 27+ years and have only been with two men. He broke down all my boundaries. I’m so sorry your marriage didn’t work out. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. There is someone out there for you
I too feel the shame. My husband and I both decided that anyone who would not be supportive if our marriage would not be part of our lives. If there are people judging you then they are poison and shouldn’t be in your life. Those that are judging you are not victims of a path!!! I’m sure they would fall prey had they been targeted!
Hold your head up high. Thanks for sharing it helps us all!!
Snow
What a wonderful article! I think you have very accurately captured what many have experienced.
I feel like this; it’s like that shampoo commercial from the 80’s, where everyone told “two friends,” and they, in turn, told “two friends.” If enough people talk about their experiences, others learn.
Educating to help break the cycle. Very nice, Snow!
I have been searching for answers all this time. You know, how could I have acted so out of what I thought my character was. I felt completely shattered — faith in myself broken. I did not trust myself. I wished I could have an explanation that would make sense to me, how I found myself in that situation which had always seemed an impossibility.
You know, I have not found a single book that described my situation, that would help — and I like books. I have perhaps (confession time!) 200 books on psychology and relationships and spirituality and I have read them all. Books for laypeople and books for therapeutic professionals and clergy. I purchased books on “infidelity” looking for answers. But my situation was not found in any of them.
This book has yet to be written, I think.
But there are clues to the answers in books like Red Flags of Love Fraud, or other books on sociopathy or spiritual journeys.
One thing I learned is that condemnation does not help. Not self condemnation and not the condemnation of others. That is not the same thing as “not taking responsibility for my part in it.” It’s just that I eventually came to see that my awful mistake did not “undo” all of the other good parts about me. And I still might have many years left… am I supposed to be shamed and shunned and all that, for the rest of my life? I believe the answer to this is NO, and there should be no scarlet letter on me — that serves no USEFUL purpose.
And the most difficult thing, NOT adequately addressed anywhere, is what to do about telling the children. In my case — I have found no answers. My family, my community, all condemn the person who cheats.
A cheater, in my upbringing and community, is a person of despicable character whom you must have nothing to do with, or if you do, it is from a position of great moral superiority. Of course, God forgives the cheater, but if we are friends with him/her, then we are “condoning” the behavior. We are supposed to “send a message” that we do not approve, by distancing ourselves from someone who has behavior indicating poor character — right? (can we say… “no contact?”)
I have not yet figured out how to be honest with my children about what happened, and yet I really want to find a way to do this… and I am afraid of their not understanding, their pain, and maybe their shunning or hatred of me. I have already lost what I thought were solid friendships over this. I know that as you say they are “poison” but it was still a loss. I was left for a time without ANY friends, actually. The few I had remaining I was terrified to tell. I didn’t tell. I haven’t told most of them. But having a partial, not honest friendship is not really satisfying. And I sometimes (OK, often) find myself sitting there, listening to them express judgment about this celebrity or politician or person-we-know, who has done something unsavory… and I don’t know what to say. I am not in a position to judge in this way.
It is only now that I am beginning to feel healed enough that I can take the risk to start talking about it… but like Skylar said the other day, it is discouraging and kind of sad to find that so many people have an “envy problem,” perhaps now that we are beginning to see with more clarity.
And so, I have found, that so many people have a “judgmentalism problem.” And that is discouraging and frustrating. I’m talking about 45-year old friendships that I might lose. So hard.
My children have suffered from my being shunned. They have lost years of gatherings with other families who decided they didn’t want to — I don’t know — support me? condone my behavior? We are not invited. My ex-husband is the one who is invited… even though these families are parents of my children’s friends, and so by not inviting me, they are not inviting my children.
And I felt too ashamed and wounded from the shunning (truly the worst thing a human can do to another) to feel strong enough to “put myself out there” to seek new friendships.
I’m speaking of the past now… things have been gradually getting better. But I have deep, deep regrets and also guilt for what my children lost (access to the community)… and still very unsure how and what to tell them. You see, their stepfather was so wonderful to them, and they experienced a deep loss, grief, pain at his leaving. He was so “righteous” in his rapid departure over my unforgivable sin against him.
I know that we had some problems in our marriage that we were having trouble addressing, which also made me vulnerable to an affair — yet I did not realize my vulnerability at the time.
I also know (now) that there were some things in my ex-husband’s character which were not the best fit for me. compared to my spath first husband, my second husband is a saint. But some red flags… which I did not know about then.
This is all so complex, and in sorting through it all, I want to be meticulous. I don’t want to arrive at the wrong conclusion… I want to accept responsibility for all of what I did, but not accept responsibility for something which belongs to someone else. And I hope that I can do this sorting with compassion, and come out of it with much learned, humility and gratitude and appreciation for the lessons.
I realize that what I’m writing might not be clear. My ex-husband told our “community” which is mostly a large group of the parents of children who are school-mates with my kids, but I have some friends outside of this community whom I’ve been afraid to tell. I also have family members I’m afraid to talk to about it.
I also spent time, after the initial shunning, isolating myself — so I participated in the loneliness due to fear, grief and shame. I really retreated.
Now, I am working to repair the relationship with my ex-husband, but so far it is just a surface relationship which I decided to pursue because he has kept ties with my family and these other people, and it is so awkward… and the children miss him.
It is not simple — it is very complex. He is controlling and narcissistic in his own egotistical way (he is a “rescuer/hero” type and believes himself to be the most genius/wise person, most funny/clever, most compassionate, nicest guy — and he is many of those things, just not to the grandiose degree which he believes about himself. that was the crux of our “marriage problem” — he would not accept any part of responsibility for the difficulties in our marriage, and the problem obviously had only to do with me because he is so perfect!) which I see now, did not see before, but he is so entwined with my family that I think this seems easier, at least for the time being. So hard to know.
I know I’m writing a lot more on this than I thought I would… sorry for that. Snow White, you really got me thinking, I guess!
Hi 29 years
The less people who know the better. My husband told some people too. And people take sides, but my TRUE friends never wavered in their support of me. They are the only people I need. This situation helped weed out the fake insignificant relationships.
Really, those very people who judge are the ones who most likely have had affairs. You never really know!!! Kind of like evangelicals who preach then we read about them in the newspapers having affairs and worse !!!
I don’t know how old your children are but if they are in their late teens and older they probably no more than you think…..my children have unconditional love for me just as I have shown them. I’m sure they will support you!
Take care and have a happy weekend:)
Snow
Snowwhite,
Wonderful article. It shows that anyone can be “tempted” and
“fall” into that temptation. The story of Eve’s temptation in the Garden of Eden and the horrible consequences to herself, her husband and her children…ALL thrown out of the Garden of Eden because of her fall.
When we fall it does not mean that we are “evil” or that we are a psychopath even though what we have done is “bad”—there is none among us without sin! NONE “for all have sinned and come short of the glory of God” as the Bible says.
When we do something that is against our moral compass we have a CONSCIENCE and we LEARN FROM IT, and we REPENT of it and we QUIT repeating that “sin.”
The difference between us and “them” is that they continue to engage in the bad behaviors WITHOUT a moral compass (though they do know right from wrong.”)
However, unfortunately the CONSEQUENCES of our lapse in moral judgment may follow us forever in some cases….we can still FORGIVE OURSELVES and make a good life for ourselves. We don’t have to wear the SCARLET LETTER or sit in the stocks for the neighbors to throw tomatoes at, or to wear sack cloth and ashes.
We can take our cue from King David who was “a man after god’s own heart” yet David was a sinful man who did some pretty bad things including adultery and murder, but when confronted with his bad behavior HE REPENTED. When his son with Bathsheba lay dying, he covered himself with sack cloth and ashes and prayed, but when the son was gone, he got up, washed his face and resumed his life as “a man after god;’s own heart.” David did not live the rest of his life in the sack cloth and ashes, but FORGAVE himself as God had forgiven him after he repented.
Even for those people who are not believers, the Bible has some good lessons in how we should forgive OURSELVES, quit holding a “grudge” as it were to ourselves.
We must trust that we will in the future do what we know is right, and resist the temptations that come our way from the psychopaths–the “Satans THAT WALK AMONG US. We will recognize them for what they are and see that the temptations they present are FALSE and that we will not become VICTIMS or allow them to skew our own moral compasses.
Good job, Snowwhite!
“
Snow White,
You mentioned the very preachers who preach so harshly against the sins of others ARE INDEED the very ones who are guilty themselves.
The minister at my little church (about 50 people or so) recently got caught in an internet sting sending pictures of his “junk” to what he thought was a 14 year old girl. The “girl” was a 40 year old deputy and met him at the hotel with hand cuffs. This is the man who condemned me for not trusting a 3x convicted pedophiile who had infiltrated my family with the purpose of murdering me so my son Patrick could have an inheritance. I sort of feel some vindication now that the Trojan Horse, and my Daughter in law, who was having an affair with him went to jail, as well as the minister who defended them from “mean old me.” We don’t always get that vindication, but when it does come, it is sweet.
I have no doubt that Charming will meet his own doom as he continually uses and abuses others. There are always consequences to living the life he is living. We may not see them or even know about them, but I’ve known many psychopaths who in the end as they faced the end of their lives, came to that unhappy end very UNhappy.
20 years, I wish I had your gift of articulating your emotions so well. I identified so much with what you wrote. ..I have learned to forgive myself because it is between me and my God. He is the only one that really knows my personal painful experience, the reason I partook in it, how I was hooked in it and the gift I received from it. With my child, that is another post where i could write a book..
now on books, Snow and 20years, I have a complete library as well at home…i couldnt stop ordering books, looking for an understanding and the books were what helped keep me alive.(I didnt even know what a psychopath was until months after the relationship ended..most of the books I read were on NPD and now I see clearly that he is a Narcissitic Psychopath (by HARE definition) with Borderline Personality Disorder confirmed by my therapist and I did not know of this site at the time.) I did not come across one that was specifically written for the P and the married woman but there was a book or two that referenced the married woman or the lover or the mistress..those references seemed to make feel not alone.
The “cheating” is an acting out..along with the seducing makes it difficult to make a smart decision…Sometimes not being able to make a “grownup” choice,is a byproduct of our childhood and although we are no longer childeren and as adults we can now make our own choices and accountable for same but if you dont, sometimes, someone else (like a P) will make them for us….It is sad to see all the envy and judgemental types as they only see the surface and use it to help their own insecurities…but if people could only look deeper and see that it is connected to our humaness, and to reach out with love and grace…this is the time that friendship is needed the most.. but i hate to say it, i would have drove any friend insane because i stayed in confusion and pain too long and I was not taking charge of my life..
I now believe that I will be writing my own fairytale with a joyous ending indeed!!.
20years,
Michael Lewis wrote, “shame is like a subatomic particle. One’s knowledge of shame is often limited to the trace it leaves.”
I would say the same about narcissism. You don’t have to meet a narcissist to know what he is, you can see it in the devastation he leaves in his family.
An 80 year old lady was crying to me, “why did my mother abandon me? Why did she send me to live with 18 different families while I grew up?” Her mother and father were married, they just didn’t want the child living with them. From what I gleaned from her, I deduced that her father was a pedophile and the mom was protecting her. I said as much to her. The old lady vehemently denied it. “Oh no,” she said, “he wasn’t like that.”
Later I was talking to her daughter, herself a victim of 3 abusive husbands, chronic fatigue and severe fibromyalgia. She lives with her 300 lb daughter, a very assertive nurse who hates men. I told the daughter what had transpired between the old lady and myself. She said, “Oh no, grampa wasn’t that kind of man, you’re wrong. But he did try to fondle me once. I kept my distance after that.” WTF? Even while telling me what he had done, she denied that he was a pedophile.
The point is, 20years, that you can sometimes see much better from the distance of time and space, than you can see up close. I never met the man, but I knew what he was because the slime he left was passed down through the generations. Like a subatomic particle, they leave traces.
I propose to you that you distance yourself from the characters in your story, including yourself. As Oxy says, “toxic is toxic” and if you were slimed, that slime came from somewhere.
From LF, I’ve learned that toxic characters can drive us into doing things we never would have imagined because they are so out of character for us.
When it comes to spaths and N’s, we CAN profile them.