Editor’s note: The following email came from an Australian man who we’ll call “Roger.” It recounts his years of experiences with someone he originally met in high school, who he thought was a friend, but turned out to be a sociopath. Notice how this particular sociopath seemed to get nothing from Roger but the pleasure of destroying his love life.
My encounter with the sociopath began in high school at 16 years of age (1994). My younger brother, who was 12, started high school at this time. My brother and I are completely different in both in looks and in personality. I am the outgoing type, whereas my brother is the reserved type. We are like salt and pepper, never really understood why as we grew up in the same home by the same parents, we always got along though, being different.
Fast forward 12 years (2006) my brother got a job at the same company as the sociopath, who helped get him the job. At the time I thought that was very noble of him, considering my brother is shy and reserved. Unfortunately, while working under the sociopath, he would come home stressed and paranoid about how he was not performing well at work. I used to ask myself, why is my brother like this, it was just a call centre job, can’t be that difficult. I still didn’t know we had a sociopath in our lives.
I actually moved in with the sociopath in the city, a two-bedroom apartment leased for one year. Just before we moved in, I attended the company Christmas party where the sociopath and my brother worked. I met a girl who would become my girlfriend at this party, who worked with my brother and the sociopath.
During this time the sociopath was seeing the girl’s cousin. We were both living in the apartment for approximately a month and the mask of sanity slipped, red flags were being noted.
(2007 February) The Sociopath and I bought a small dining table, he decided to build it. His girlfriend was also over at the time, when I noticed he was struggling to put the legs of the table together. He then called me over wanting help with the table, so I went and helped him put the legs on the table and suddenly he yells at me “Roger, Fuck off!” At this point I am thinking to myself WTF, first he asks for help, and then he’s telling me where to go. I was bewildered at this point, thinking what is wrong with this person and this is where things changed between him and me.
We became distant, when eventually he apologised (not an empathic apology, a sociopathic one) as he told me his girlfriend thinks he was rude to me. I noticed ‘the girlfriend thought he was rude, he didn’t think he was rude!’ We weren’t close any more, something was amiss, and who could turn 180 degrees in such a short period of time?
Girlfriend breaks up
A week later my girlfriend at the time (his girlfriend’s cousin) decided to break up with me. Obviously I’m hurt from the break up as I loved this girl, so my emotions at this point in time were running wild. She breaks up with me for no real reason as she did this via text. I am still bewildered and trying to figure out who this supposed friend of 10 years is?
I was in a state of, what did I do to my girlfriend? And what is wrong with my friend? Mind you, I and my former girlfriend were still technically friends, as we would email each other on what was happening. I told her about the table incident.
(2007 March) The Sociopath and his girlfriend come over late one night and I was wearing nothing but my underwear, as soon as he saw me in just my underwear, he yells at me, “Roger put some clothes on will you!” So I did. Then the next day I snapped, “I’m thinking, I am comfortable in my own home wearing underwear and I am getting told off, was I supposed to know his girlfriend is coming over?” A week later the same thing happened, I kept quiet. The next day I told the sociopath off and said, “How about you let me know when she is coming over, and I’ll have some clothes on, otherwise I’ll be naked next time!”
I told my ex about this story as well in an email, I also told her “why do only my friends come to my apartment, where are his friends? I don’t know who he is anymore; I have never seen him like this.”
(2007 March) Devalue and discard was in effect. The sociopath has decided to move out and live with his girlfriend after two and half months. I said fine, but you’re still paying your half of the rent, which he did, surprisingly.
(2007 June) I haven’t spoken to the sociopath in three months, only to find out from my brother that he is now engaged. I asked my brother why he hasn’t told me yet, and my brother said, “he wants to tell you personally.”
I receive a text from my ex (who I know still loved me), asking if I was coming to the engagement party. I told her, “he hasn’t even told me he’s engaged, and that I am not supposed to know, as he was going to tell me personally.”
Two weeks later, the sociopath comes over; mind you, his bed and some of his clothes and belongings are still in the apartment. He decides to tell me he got engaged. I congratulated him, but I noticed he wasn’t very excited about it and stated that his engagement party consists of “it’s just family.” I started getting really suspicious here, as obviously he keeps in contact with my ex, but I thought, well, he is engaged to her cousin.
Another breakup
(2008 February) The ex and I are back together, I have moved back to my parents place to save up for a house. Only to notice the ex being distant from me as we broke up again. I wanted to get things resolved, so I caught up with her, only to find out she is really upset with me and starting mentioning my past with an ex of mine. I never went to detail about her to my ex, as it was in the past. The radar went off again, as there is only one person who knew about my ex-ex so well. And I gave my ex the details of my past.
I said to my ex, “I haven’t said anything to the sociopath yet!” and she said, “Thanks.” I reached another WTF moment. Why is my ex thanking me because I haven’t told the sociopath off? I am thinking to myself, why is the sociopath saying things about my past to my girlfriend? I don’t have anything to hide about my past, because I broke up amicably with my ex -ex so I wasn’t worrying about my current ex knowing about what happened in the past. I was worried about the fact that my supposed friend is telling my ex things when it’s none of his business what happened in the past with my ex-ex.
At the same time, my ex makes statements that me and the sociopath are best friends. We were good friends but never best, I know who my best friends are. I started noticing my ex must be really naive to think this is the case, because if that were the case, she wouldn’t be asking the Sociopath that I be the best man at his wedding. The sociopath once again used the excuse: “it’s just family.”
My current ex and I broke up again, obviously because of trust issues.
Wedding
(September 2008) The sociopathic wedding day. I just got back from sunny Italy, had the time of my life, I was tanned, looking good, confident, didn’t give a rats about the world. I was my old self again.
It was show time for the sociopath. I was seated in the very back, last table of the reception, with an old friend of mine as we were good friends in high school. My ex was the maid of honour.
After a few drinks and catching up on old times with my old friend, I decided to walk up to my ex, who was seated on the Bride and Groom’s main table, and started having a chat and obviously a laugh. This ex still loved me, she smiled and talked about the good times. When suddenly I see her looking towards the Groom (sociopath) and see a frightened and scared face, to which I quickly turned around, looked at the Groom, and what was he doing? Giving her a mean stare that I couldn’t put my finger on. And I looked back at her and glanced quickly back at him and he seemed ok again.
I actually caught him in the act???
Wants me back
(October 2009) I found out that my ex was with someone else during this time, I was a little heart broken, as I loved this girl regardless of the problems. I moved on, my ex-girlfriend was forgotten, I hadn’t heard from the sociopath in nine months. I heard from the grapevine that my ex wanted me back! I couldn’t believe it, I knew she loved me and I loved her. But at this point, I didn’t want any more heartbreak, I didn’t think I could take any more punishment from her, as she always initiated the break ups.
Coincidently the sociopath makes contact; I noticed patterns—every time my ex wants to get back with me, the sociopath always magically made an appearance. I still couldn’t connect the dots, and I still had no idea he was a sociopath, but I was always in observation mode.
I SHOULD MENTION THAT I NEVER SPOKE ABOUT MY EX TO THE SOCIOPATH, NEVER. I knew what he thought he knew, I wasn’t aware that he knew EVERYTHING! Which I later found out.
I was in a bar with my mate and I noticed my ex’s friend, who coincidently happened to work with my mate. It’s a small world. Her friend and I were talking and she stated that my ex wants me back and that she was sorry for all that has happened. I thought to myself I love my ex, but I can’t take any more pain, so I lost it at the friend, and asked her, what is wrong with your friend? (My ex).
All I heard was Blah Blah. I acted upset, but honestly I wasn’t. I knew she loved me, but I put on an act to see who was to blame for my ex’s behaviour, and who would react at me rejecting my ex. I knew the sociopath would find out about it, as I really didn’t want his involvement this time. I actually thought to myself, if he doesn’t think I want her back he might let me and her go.
Oh was I wrong. Why? Because a week after telling her friend off, I emailed my ex, explaining to her that what I did was wrong and that I shouldn’t have taken it out on her friend. I made a silly excuse and stated, “I did it for my brother, as I am extremely protective of him!” I also stated that if she really wants to talk and get back together with me, I would leave the door open.
What possessed me to write such a thing? What has my brother got to do with all this? I have no idea why I wrote it, but it was supposed to happen, as you will later find out. I hadn’t heard from her, she never replied to my email. Something was wrong, I would have heard from her by now. Something was seriously amiss.
(November 2009) I find out my ex is back with the rebound guy, it still didn’t make sense. Didn’t she want me back about four weeks ago?
New Year’s Eve
I was invited to a New Year’s Party by my sociopath friend, organised by him, and it was a “family” event as I was told. I didn’t want to go, but something told me to go, even though he set this drama filled event up. I knew this was his manipulation, and I knew he was up to no good, why did I know? Because I spoke to him on the phone the night before, he never mentioned my ex being back with her ex. A friend would tell you this.
I had the option to not go, but honestly something was telling me to go. I am fearless when it comes to her. I knew she still loved me. Why am I doing this, you ask? Because this was supposed to happen.
I went to his NY party. I arrive, dressed to kill, as I knew he has staged all this (yet I still have no idea he is a sociopath). As I arrive, I see my ex bolt, she literally runs out of the party. I knew she wasn’t expecting me there, I did it to prove how much I loved her or how stupid I was. 🙂 The ex’s boyfriend gets up to shake my hand (the ex’s boyfriend knew I was coming, obviously the sociopath has staged this.) I know who the ex is, he is afraid of me and is as shy as they come. The sociopath grabbed me to get some food, acting as if I have gotten upset at the boyfriend, only to have the sociopath turn around and drag the boyfriend inside to show that I was going to hit him. I thought to myself, this guy is good, even on impulse he has found an excuse to attack me, he was better prepared than I was, even though we both knew he was playing a game.
There were too many people around that would have noticed I did nothing! Which is why I kept strong and ignored all that had just happened. Regardless, the sociopath used his instinctive impulsive nature to try and make me look bad. He wasn’t going to lose. Then again I wasn’t prepared to lose either, we both knew his game, but alas I was still blind as I still didn’t know he was a sociopath until ”¦
At the party he said to me, “So you’re protecting your brother, hey?” My head was spinning at this point, the matrix was unveiled. He knows everything, he must have read my email to my ex, this guy knows it all. Why is he even reading emails sent to my ex?
Unfortunately for the sociopath, I was still at the party and acted like nothing had happened. My ex and her boyfriend went home 20 minutes after my arrival, I stayed til the end talking to all the family.
Probing questions
I told my brother all that had happened, and told my brother not to tell the sociopath anything about me, as they still work in the same building, only this time my brother works in a different department. The sociopath still probes my brother with questions ”¦ which made me even more suspicious. If he wants to know something, why doesn’t he ask? Why ask my brother? I had already prepped my brother, just like a sociopath, which scares me, but as I’ve learnt in order to fight one, act like one.
Hasn’t he had enough? He just took away someone I loved, what more does he want now? I asked my brother, what questions does he ask you? “Who you’re seeing, what are you doing?” By this time, I was predicting the sociopathic movements without even know what one was. I was proud of my brother, I was protecting myself and my brother as I started to think if the sociopath is capable of doing this to me, my brother has got no chance against him!
Funeral
(December 2010) I haven’t seen the sociopath in a year, I fell in love with my now girlfriend, I had new job, bought a new house. I received a text message from him saying, “My mother has passed away.”
I called him, expressed my condolences. He never really showed any emotion on the phone, as if his mother never existed, as he was talking about life in general, he then asked, “Are you seeing anyone?” I lied: “No, I just broke up with my girlfriend.”
While at his mother’s wake, I gave his wife flowers in respect for his mother’s passing, pretended like nothing happened on the New Year’s Eve party. I was myself, joking around, cool and confident. He was furious at me; I could see that look in his eyes. Although he put on a show like he was a good guy by offering me food and treating me well, like we were best friends.
We went outside, when for the first time the sociopath began abusing me, subtly bringing things up about my ex without mentioning her name, but I knew what he was doing, so I opened fire. I told him of the recent ex I was with, he knew her as well as he never expected me to go out with her, as my ex was jealous of her. I told him “that was always going to happen” knowing full well he destroyed my relationship with my ex, but I wanted to see his face, it was filled with rage. He rebutted back, “was she a good fuck?” implying that I went out with her just for the sex.
After the funeral mass I said goodbye to everyone I knew except for the sociopath and his wife, only to notice my ex staring at me for a good period of time. I never looked at her, I couldn’t even look her in the eyes anymore, after all that had happened.
The sociopath was with his wife talking to my ex and her boyfriend. I start walking over towards them, my ex and the boyfriend split, just like New Years, and I say my goodbye to his wife and as was about to shake the sociopath’s hand, he was about to pull the same stunt he pulled at New Years, only to realise my parents were watching this time. I shake his hand for the very last time ”¦
Moral of the story, be yourself! Point being, never lose sight of who you are.
I feel everybody’s pain. My case may have not been as bad as other people’s, even though I put myself through the grinder, I never stopped fighting! Why? I don’t know! I took a beating, but something in me tells me to keep fighting. I don’t want my ex back, I am happy with my love. I have a good job and I’m honestly happy.
I want to actually go back in to the lion’s den. He wanted to destroy me and failed, as I’m still breathing. Should I be dead? Should I have psychological problems? The chink in their armour is their ego; I want to attack again to expose! Or hasn’t my own ego taken enough?
Dear Duped, Dupey!
You get me every time. Eloquent, succinct, straight talking.
I’m working hard to remember what you said to me. What you have reiterated to all of us here in your post above.
“Remember your strengths and your values”
Gold Dupey.
I don’t know if you have “told” your story here but I would love to hear
it. If that is not too impertinent a request or too personal.
Im going to raise a glass tomorrow night especially for you.
Roger, your story and how you learned to outsmart the spath at his own game and stand up to him reminded me so much of the story of the “petty tyrant” in the Carlos Castaneda book “Ring of Fire” (I think that was the name). One of Castaneda’s mentors was under the control of an evil psychopathic man and couldn’t get away, so he studied and studied the man and finally figured out a way to beat the psychopath at his own game. In doing so, he grew in personal power. The message of this book was that if you don’t have a petty tyrant in your life, go out and find one, because it can be a great source of empowerment and transformation to break free of the spell and stand up to one. Not that everyone should go out and look for a sociopath to be involved with….but I agree with the point that learning to overcome this experience builds personal power. What we can transform makes us stronger. The more hopeless and horrible the experience, the stronger we can become.
I also had an insight reading some of the posts – about my ex, the spath, that he really did want to be me, also. He at least felt that if he basked in my popularity, it would make him popular too, because his outgoingness was very superficial. He was syrupy sweet to people on the site where I met him, but he seemed to lack real substance and whatever it was that made people laugh and be drawn to him. So he tried to soak up those qualities from me by being close to me. He was able to fool some of the people there but was never able to develop close friendships as I have. For obvious reasons.
Thanks for sharing your story Roger and thanks Ox Drover for the hugs!! I recall a time when I asked my SP why he wanted to be with me if he was always on Craigslist looking to exhange pics and chat, always looking at porn and what have you. His answer: “Because you are everything that I am not.” -Truer words have never been spoken!
Oh yes: “…because you are everything I am not….”
Standard line. I think in their own way, part of the amusement of their infliction upon us is to use our own vanity against us to harm us…if you will think back: NOTHING was EVER their fault…it was always YOURS and in your mind, you reasoned: ‘well, I AM here and accepting this…’ THAT is their amusement.
They want to be everything we are, that they are not and resent it that we are. In my case, I was never married to it; not involved in a ‘committed’ relationship although a ten year long relationship. For ten years, I was fed everything I wanted to believe and hear. I was so crazy in love, always thinking the best, I almost allowed the devil to devour me. If I had ‘deserved’ this because of my actions and/or intentions, I could at least rationalize to myself that I indeed ‘deserved’ the treatment I had received. But I did not and never have. I am sure just like most of you and that is the impact this has hit us with.
It is very complex and difficult to wrap your mind around the fact that someone you loved and said they loved you was actually close enough to do you immense harm. But if you truly look at them, deep, down, underneath, there is that small, scared child, who was abandoned by it’s mother and will harm anyone else that may ever care for it out of spite. They don’t care nor realize they are only in the long run harming themselves because they have been set on destruction from the beginning. But one thing they hate worse than death: confinement and being ignored. It throws them off their balance and makes their conscious speak to them which they choose to ignore as being their conscious and use it to grow and foster further hate and manipulations on their quest for ‘hating the world’.
Yes, I do understand ‘them’. However, my understanding of ‘them’ does not mean I find it acceptable behavior nor that I am going to settle for this kind of lifestyle. My affections simply cannot and will not over ride my good common sense in this situation any further. It just isn’t worth it.
I don’t want to be the next set of bones that are found in the desert nor the severed head in my ex’s freezer. I am not afraid of “IT” but that doesn’t mean I will ever leave myself vulnerable to “IT” ever again. Chilling, cold blooded things…things un human and inhumane kinds of things.
I survived though and I thank you for raising a glass with me New Years Eve strongawoman. I shall raise a toast to you as well with endless best of wishes, thoughts and prayers.
*HUGS* strongawoman..
with Blessings that have no end…HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012: MAY THE ANGELS BLESS YOUR PATHWAYS…
DUPED NO MORE!
I wish you best in the new year, and I hope you stick to your promises, you’ve gone this far now, so nothing can stop you now from being happy. I’m actually glad you can read me, as I can throw people off just like a spath 🙂 Im honest to those that count, I don’t hide anything, which is why I posted my story, we are scarred yes, but that will heal. 🙂 its funny I felt the majority of the pain 6 months after the ordeal. it was like my batteries ran out at the wrong or right time. I am charged to about 90% now, and in writing my story I feel I will be on full charge very soon.
I have always been curious that If i broke down in front of him, what would he do? Would he really finish me off, or would he get bored. Sadly seeing him in fits of rage brought a smile to my face, it told me you haven’t won, which in essence, i turned the screws when needed, if there losing it means you’ve done something right!
New Beginning
Notice he “wants” to be like us, unfortunately for him he can’t. I have been a joker since I was in primary school, I cant change my character, and I wont, it what makes me, me. No spath can take this away, I meet people occasionally that I haven’t seen for years, “you steal look the same, and you haven’t changed”. Good I say, I know Im me.
I still have my friends, some of whom I have known since primary school, no spath can do this. As they say “the more you change the more you stay the same”. 😉
Stargazer
Its funny I never considered myself his supply, or maybe Im in denial. I always had friends around, it’s not as if we were together 24/7, i went out with my other friends too, if anything more than I would with him.
Its sad that I had to resort to analysing my friends, why should I? If there good to me, and Im good to them, no problem! Wrong, when I started hearing the backstabs, then my observations kicked in, and hard. Naturally I wouldn’t, but the snake took a bite.
I asked him why he told my ex these things? he’s reply “She’s crazy, and save your analyzing for work!” Ahhh no! She maybe crazy, but if i saved my analyzing for work, you wouldn’t be a sociopath! 🙂
I will pick up that book, thanks.
Adelle2011
Funny these Spaths are always on these online dating sites, he told me why I don’t go online, because unlike you I buy my food at the supermarket. jk 😉 He met his previous ex online, funnily enough I am still friends with her, he knows this because he wanted me to return her dvd player that he’s been holding on to as ornanment ;). Seriously, do I look like fedex to you? This was just another give away, your married and your still holding on to a dvd player from your ex, who wants nothing to do with you. Another WTF moment!
Stargazer, I read those Carlos Castaneda books 35 years ago, I think I read all the ones that were out there then. My boss at the time got me reading them….gosh, I hadn’t thought of them in decades! LOL I don’t remember much about them now, but at the time I read them I found them interesting! I’m a read-a-holic and have been on various different “themes” of reading from pure pulp fiction to true crime to various interests through the years, the last 20 or so has been history or medical type, biology or psychology, etc. I guess I just like to learn and explore. One life time isn’t enough time to learn all I want to learn or explore all I want to explore.
Kudos to you Roger for sending his wife the “psych books”.
I found your story interesting. My ex-spath husband deserted me to marry a very wealthy woman likewise. From my experience with sociopaths they are always attracted to wealthy people and will do whatever it takes to ensnare them.
My ex actually met the rich girl before me & used me in a fake marriage scam so he could collect his prize. Her and her wealth. He lasted longer with her than me but in the end the mask slipped and they divorced too.
I too was young & naive and didn’t know the personality profile of a sociopath but if I only knew then what I know now. Don’t worry about getting revenge his marriage to the rich girl will come crashing down and if you maintain contact with a few friends you’ll hear that they split further down the road.
I too directed a friend to LF. A young girl I met at a store I frequent was all excited about her upcoming marriage. This was last year. Exactly one year later she was getting divorced. She told me a “horror story”.
I took her aside and asked her if she googled “sociopath” and she told me she did and has even read up on it and brought books. I invited her to join us here on LF. I told her many of us here are in the same boat & we can tell our stories anonymously and educate each other as well as others who read this site.
Any how best wishes to you in your new relationship. Don’t worry about him. The karma bus will catch up with him & being Pagan I believe what ever you put out into the universe comes back to you threefold.
If you do good, goodness will come back to you threefold. If you do evil, well you guessed it, your goose is cooked.
Joanie123
I had too, it was on my conscious, at least now, there aren’t any excuses I tried, my ex has all the clues, she hasn’t put the pieces together yet, in time she will, and that’s fact. I did all I could, she was warned, she didn’t listen, and I dont harbour any ill feelings about that, we need to learn the hard way.
I was warned at the wedding, in a subtle way, but i caught up with my old school friend and his wife, and they confirmed his a sociopath. My friends wife knew what he was, because her brother is one. I thanked them, as it was the final nail, that confirmed my suspicions.
The irony of it all, was he made sure he put me in the last table of his wedding, only it exposed him more. Karma? or pure supidity. I have my contacts and I’m thankful for it, it was never planned, its who I am, and was meant to be.
Why was it meant to be? My love, coincidentally( I dont believe in coincidences) happens to be friends with his ex, oh how easy it was to prove what a sociopath is, meeting me could possibly have been his gain, but at the same time his downfall! We have 4 million people in Melbourne, its small, and he’s rare, but what goes around comes around!
The reason that they want to be us is because they lead meaningless lives. They are incapable of finding meaning in their existance because they can’t bond with anyone. That makes their existance a large meaningless void that needs to be filled.
They see in our faces that we have meaning in our lives. But they can’t figure out how we got that and why they don’t have it. So they try to become us by usurping all the “symbols” of what make us unique. They will borrow our preferences, our mannerisms, and even try to wear our values by pretending to value what we value – that’s why they chase money, it’s the only value that they can almost understand.
Athena, I saw “There will be blood” with the spath. If I recall it’s based on a true story. It’s a very good portrayal of how empty a spath’s soul is. He chased money and murdered for it but he couldn’t ever enjoy it.
Star and Oxy,
I read one of the Castenada books, when I was very young. My spath brother loves those books and believes every word in them. Do you all think Castenada might have been a spath?
It seems to me he was a liar and manipulator.
InfectedPsy
I read your posts. The movie for you is “The Talented Mr Ripley”. It does have strong homo erotica tones and your “friend” strikes me as longing for you so much, SO envious, his comments sound like a jealous woman. If someone else has already recommended Mr Ripley, I second and third and the movie.