Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received this letter from a man in Massachusetts, who ended up houseless, wifeless and kid-less. We’ll call him Gary.
I just turned 39 this July. I got married to a woman in 1995. We just got divorced in February of this year.
While married to this woman, two beautiful children were born to us — or so I thought. The oldest just turned six in May. The youngest will turn three in August.
One night in July of 2007, I came home to find my wife speaking with another man in my home late at night. Of course the reasons for him being there were all phony, as I later discovered. Anyway, uncomfortable with that situation, I decided to do some investigating. It turns out there were phone records and txt messages logged on my cell phone bill, which led me to believe she was having an affair. When approached, she denied it, and the started making me think like I was crazy. When I approached the now “boyfriend,” he also denied it.
I did further investigation, and through my own methods, got more information than any man might hope to get regarding my situation.
I had reasons to believe or suspect that it was possible that one or both of my children may not be mine. It turns out she was having an affair with at least two other men at the same time she was married to me. One of these relationships actually spans (at best guess) 10 years of this 12-13 year marriage. (13 Years, because the court dragged it out another year.)
Left the marital home
After receiving my information, and more outright lies from my wife, I left the marital home in August of 2007. We were still amicable over the children at first. Not knowing what to do, I wanted to get DNA testing to prove if in fact the children were mine. I could not do that. As soon as I tried, I got a protective order placed against me. After that I did choose not to see the children, due to the circumstances around the protective order, for several months. I was not going to be humiliated trying to visit with the children in a police station or whatever it was they wanted me to do.
During that time, I stopped paying the mortgage as I could no longer afford it. I had to close down my business (just me) and take a job with a customer of mine because I couldn’t function correctly, let alone try to run a business. I also had no option but to move in with my parents in a 55 or older mobile home community. I also ended up going through a personal bankruptcy.
She subsequently filed for divorce, and I had to hire an attorney. With the information I had, I thought when I went to court to ask for the paternity test it would be granted. Wrong! Upon reconsideration, my motion was denied, as her attorney argued case law and the presumption.
It’s important to note, while in front of another judge (one of the six) she stated that she was on vacation when our case was first heard and she WOULD have allowed the paternity test — if for no other reason a medical one. One of the things I was hoping for!
Signed the stipulation
In January of 2008, a stipulation was crafted by my wife’s attorney outside of the courtroom. The stipulation stated that she would agree to paternity testing based on one of the three possible outcomes. 1) Neither child is the husband’s. In this case, the child support I was paying would cease and become “Alimony” at the same rate as the child support guidelines for six years. Outcomes 2 and 3 were if I was the father of one or both. (Those outcomes did not happen).
Under extreme duress, yet of “free will” and as emotional as that fiasco was, I signed the stipulation with my lawyer present. Big mistake!
I at the time believed the youngest probably wasn’t mine and the oldest most likely was. (I mean after all I was married to her for 12 years!)
It was around February of 2008 when I did finally see the children again, yet before the DNA test results were in, because of what I heard the oldest boy had said. I guess he looked out the window one afternoon, while at his great-grandmother’s home and said, “I miss my daddy,” and started to cry. After hearing that, I was an emotional wreck for two days and could not even leave the house because my eyes were so welled up.
Upon seeing them again, I was greeted by my first name by the oldest, and the youngest, who wasn’t even walking when I had stopped seeing them, came over and put his arms up to be held. You can imagine how I felt. (Or can you?)
Not the father
When the test results came back, I was notified that I was the father of neither child. It turns out they actually have two different fathers! One is now currently paying child support and is the biological father, and unbeknown to me, was actually visiting the oldest child at the marital home on occasion, whether he knew if it was his boy or not, I do not know.
The second child, I believe is of her current boyfriend, though they denied all that in court. I have proof I can’t use, due to how I obtained it.
As soon as I had left the marital home, in August of 07, her boyfriend basically moved right in and I was effectively and immediately replaced.
After the results of the DNA tests were in, I chose not to see the children. A sad, devastating decision, yet one that I feel had to be made.
As soon as I knew I wasn’t the biological father of either child, I knew who was. She went after the first father, as their relationship ended due to all this, and is living with the father of the second child.
Paying alimony
My attorney was completely useless, and I felt like I was always making suggestions as to how to approach this entire case. She allowed me to sign the stipulation in my emotional condition and was useless to try to come up with a plan to somehow seek my answers another way.
Fast forwarding, I stopped paying any money to my wife after finding out what happened. As far as I am concerned the stipulation was fraudulent. I, of course, was then in contempt of not paying, and back in court again, another judge (another one of the six) stated she wasn’t going to find me in contempt and believed I deserved my day in court.
Other judges that we were in front of did not like the agreement, and expressed concern over securing alimony as it was presented.
I subsequently asked my attorney to withdraw — and I still owe her $5000.
The final judge to hear the trial found that I should be bound to the stipulation and pay the $225/week alimony payment for six years. That was issued Feb. 2009. I have of course have not paid any money, which I did state at one point to the judge that I would rather sit in jail than give her one red cent.
Read more — Sociopaths as Parents (Part 2): What the child sees matters!
June 17th 2009 was my contempt hearing date. I had filed a motion of relief from the judgment, hoping the judge will be convinced that it was fraud, or at the very least “innocent misrepresentation,” as means to find relief on my behalf. But the judge didn’t receive it by June 17th, and when I went to court, I ended up going to jail for the day. I was content staying jail, although my boss saw things differently, and by the end of the day, I contacted him from jail to help me get out which he did. So I now pay the $225/week for six years.
Ex-wife is a sociopath
I have not seen the children in more than a year. I don’t know if I’ll ever see them again.
To give you some insight into my reasoning, my thoughts are as follows. This is a toxic situation, thanks to my ex-wife, who I now know is a sociopath. No sorry, no nothing. She could care less about anybody’s feelings in this matter. My parents, no longer grandparents, two other families have grandchildren they didn’t know they had.
The oldest has been exposed to at least three men in his short life, and needs as much stability as possible. His father does have visitation. The youngest was only 1.5 years old when I stopped seeing him and has been with his father since I left so it is unlikely he will remember or know who I am. Who would I be referred to as? The emotional anguish is just too much to bear.
She is about to be evicted from the marital home and I guess she is going to live with the boyfriend, the youngest child’s father.
I have nothing to say to my ex-wife, nothing to say to either father, although I had held out hope that the oldest child’s father would be reasonable enough to at least let me know how he is doing, but no luck so far.
Think about the children
As far as I go, houseless, wifeless, and kid-less, bankrupt, and drunk most nights (I rarely used to drink). I just got my first DUI in November of this past year.
I got kicked out of my parent’s home because I’m not 55 or older after living there for a year. (Park rules) I now rent a basement apartment not far from where my parents live, although it is 100 mile round trip commute to get to and from work.
I think about the children every day, occasionally cry over them because I am left with the perception of how at least the oldest child feels and thinks — only because I am an adult. I pray both of the children will be OK. I, on the other hand, have to live with this for the rest of my days on this planet. I never know when I will be overcome with sadness over what should have been or missing them. I am always reminded when I see an infant or a toddler with his Dad of how life was and was supposed to be. Now devastated, I have to some how rebuild, start over with less than nothing, and dare I say maybe have kids of my own someday. Who knows?
People say, why don’t you just pay the money — at least you have your freedom? Unfortunately, if I have to pay this money I am not free. A freedom I never even knew was taken away when the presumption was instituted or accepted so many years ago.
And in the middle of this ridiculous situation are two beautiful children, robbed of man who could have given them the moral beliefs I share, and the good things this life has to offer. I fear I have done all I can and my best for them. I got them the truth, something they were unable to get for themselves, and something other unscrupulous individuals should have done for them a long time ago.
Move forward slowly
It is important to note: when I went to get some counseling due to all this, in my first meeting the therapist said, “It sounds like the woman you’ve been married to has no conscience, and those people can’t be helped.”
After hearing this, and of course believing that everyone could be helped, I went on the computer and did a search on “people without a conscience” That led me to your site almost two years ago. After reading the material you’ve compiled, every switch, light, thought and thing that happened that didn’t make sense at the time over the years with this woman, all made complete and utter sense. Now, I believe one of the only things that have helped me though this nightmare is knowing what I didn’t know before. Knowing there is nothing I could have done before, and nothing that can be done now to help or fix this situation. It just the way it is and I somehow have to move forward albeit very, very slowly.
Learn more — Breaking through to alienated kids
Lovefraud originally posted this story on August 6, 2009.
Games sociopaths play
Hi, Gary!
I’m so sorry you qualify to be here, but you are in a good place to begin healing because of the incredible people who are here.
When I came to LoveFraud in March of this year, I was pretty much at the end of my rope; but now, I’m slowly getting my life moving again. And there was a time not too long ago when I didn’t think that was possible, and I was considering ending my life. Posting here and receiving honest compassion and down-to-earth advice has turned my internal landscape around. I’ve recently started attending Al-Anon meetings (for those whose lives are affected by relatives who drink), and the people there are also excellent — though I wouldn’t have been in a receptive place for it, if it weren’t for reading, reading, reading here at LoveFraud.
I cannot imagine the depth of your loss, and I am truly deeply sorry for all you are going through. I do know what it’s like to suddenly find yourself waving ‘goodbye’ to the life you’d planned, and negotiating living the life you didn’t plan.
Please take care of yourself! (It’s worth it, even when you don’t quite believe it yet.)
All the best,
Betty
Welcome Gary. I have not posted anything on here in several months but this is a great group to help you sort things out. For those that don’t recognize my name, I was in a relationship most of 2008 with what I later found to be a very cunning sociopath. Once I caught on to what was going on, she had already gotten me for over $12,000 (very cheap when I consider where it would have all headed had things not been discovered until later). That doesn’t even begin to compare to all the other things I was dealing with as a result. Through a great deal of research and support from friends and this site in particular, life is pretty much back to normal. While there is still a plan to recoup the financial losses (she had not worked in nearly a year but is now generating income). The true beauty here is that emotionally I feel very much healed…there were so many avenues I considered taking in the past, but many were just being spiteful to get back at that person….thank goodness I was a bigger person than that. The most amazing thing about the entire experience is that I can now look in from a distance to see what the S is up to, and lo and behold, her entire life has been reinvented overnight.
Anyway, I drift into other things sometimes….for those of you who are new here, confused and/or depressed…from my perspective, this site and the people who participate, make for the best therapy you could ask for, not to mention…it’s quite affordable as well. I will make it a point to get here more frequently to try to help just like those that helped me get out of my funk.
gary, I can’t imagine your pain. You did all you could for the boys. You need to take care of yourself first now. It is so hard to walk away from the kids I know. You loved them, no matter what. It sounds like the legal system screwed you over too. Unfortunately, that is not that rare. I’m so sorry. Please keep reading here and post if you can.You didn’t deserve this. It was not your fault.
Dear Gary,
What a nightmare you lived through!!! I’m also sorry that you “qualify” for “membership in our club” but as I think you know already if you have read here for a long time, it is a very supportive and caring group of people.
It sounds to me like you are making progress (none of us make FAST progress!) but the drinking to excess is probably not the greatest of ways to ‘forget” painful memories. At least you do recognize that though, so that in itself is a good sign.
Losing a child regardless of any or no blood relationship is very painful, and no doubt if any kids needed a stable influence in their lives those two sound like they do. All any of us can do for them though is to pray for them. For you , I imagine that must be hurtful because you dont’ sound like a man who gives his love and then takes it back.
I’m actually suprised that the paternity PRESUMPTION because you were married at their birth didn’t prevail and that even if you were NOT the biological father, you were the legal father. In my state (and some others) that is the case no matter WHO the “sperm donor” was.
I am so sorry that you suffered such trauma, but I’m also glad you landed here. Welcome! God bless.
This is so sad, not only for Gary, but also for the poor little children who have been raised by him and know him as Daddy, and now have lost that stability and don’t have him in their lives anymore. Sad sad situation.
Gary said: “People say, why don’t you just pay the money ”“ at least you have your freedom? ”
Gary, when it comes to that alimony, although yeah being free of her is most important, paying alimony under the conditions you are paying it would really be pissing me off if I were you (and I am sure it is you too).
So, frankly, if I were you I think since most sociopaths are impulsive and irresponsible and alot of them like to drink the booze, “I” would be hoping, wishing, and praying up a storm that she and her new boyfriend drink one too many (preferably during a trip to Vegas) and impulsively get married in The Chapel of Love by an Elvis Impersonator. Then bye bye alimony. But being the nice person I am, after the alimony was terminated, I might break down and buy her a copy of the local newspaper and even be nice enough to highlight a few jobs in the classified section for her before tossing it on her front porch. But hey, that’s just me! Good luck Gary, and welcome to LoveFraud. –Jen
Gary,
So very sorry for your situation. This is a very caring, genuine, loving bunch of folks who have been there. You have been led to the right place.
I was in denial for many years when the red flags were waving all over the place. Because I was so addicted to him, I ignored the obvious, forgiving many affairs and blatant signs of a lack of conscience. I finally had to face the fact that I had wasted 42 years of my life believing things were one way when in reality they were another. I had to accept that he didn’t love me, never had, and that I needed to move forward. Today, I can look back but not stare, and realize it was God’s grace that kept me from permanently falling apart.
I cannot imagine finding out that my children were not my children. You have been through a personal Holocaust. My prayers are with you that you will be tenderly carried to the other side, and there IS another side.
We will never be the same, but there is a new normal.
God Bless You as You Move into the Future In His Arms.
some of us got out with few months or few years of living in deceit. It is heart breaking to read Gary’s story: so many years lost to what seemed normal. I am sorry that the legal system was not there for you. We do need an attorney here. Someone who understands the legal issues that accompany so many of our breakups. Matt has been a great source of meaningful advise. Perhaps, he’ll read your story and share his views. I can’t imagine the turmoil the oldest boy must have gone through, finding out that his Daddy isn’t his and can no longer be a part of his life. And I cannot imagine the court system that would have allowed alimony under these circumstances. Have you read the book on Legal Abuse?
I got it but did not find it to be an easy read. Perhaps, I will give it another try. Stick around, Gary, but drinking will only get you sadder and less able to cope. It only numbs the pain, but does not make it go away. I have stopped drinking all together because under stress, buzz intensifies these emotions. And – we all need to function, because we are the responsible ones. Right?
Gary, I put off writing to you after reading your story because I thought “later” I might have some comforting words.
I’m glad the previous posters have done that because all I have to offer is my DEEP PAIN for you and the two children. I care and promise to pray for you.
Gary
As ANewLily I might have some words later. I know there are no words that will diminish your pain. The only thing I can say…do not stop trusting. In here there so many great people you can trust and really care about you, even if we do not know you. It is your human nature, your kindness your suffering,your honesty and your love for those two little boys that make us love you so much. Our prayers and our thoughts are with you. Keep coming back because you will find all the strength you need in here.. There are many people here who would be able to provide words of comfort to you.
Be strong and do not loose faith
Gary This may not offer any comfort but a quotethat I really like is ‘ Sometimes we have to be willing to let go of the life we had planned and start living the life that is waiting on us’ my suggestion is to stop numbing your pain – I did that for months and it just seemed to keep me stagnant – I think the boys will be in your life again….