Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received this letter from a man in Massachusetts, who ended up houseless, wifeless and kid-less. We’ll call him Gary.
I just turned 39 this July. I got married to a woman in 1995. We just got divorced in February of this year.
While married to this woman, two beautiful children were born to us — or so I thought. The oldest just turned six in May. The youngest will turn three in August.
One night in July of 2007, I came home to find my wife speaking with another man in my home late at night. Of course the reasons for him being there were all phony, as I later discovered. Anyway, uncomfortable with that situation, I decided to do some investigating. It turns out there were phone records and txt messages logged on my cell phone bill, which led me to believe she was having an affair. When approached, she denied it, and the started making me think like I was crazy. When I approached the now “boyfriend,” he also denied it.
I did further investigation, and through my own methods, got more information than any man might hope to get regarding my situation.
I had reasons to believe or suspect that it was possible that one or both of my children may not be mine. It turns out she was having an affair with at least two other men at the same time she was married to me. One of these relationships actually spans (at best guess) 10 years of this 12-13 year marriage. (13 Years, because the court dragged it out another year.)
Left the marital home
After receiving my information, and more outright lies from my wife, I left the marital home in August of 2007. We were still amicable over the children at first. Not knowing what to do, I wanted to get DNA testing to prove if in fact the children were mine. I could not do that. As soon as I tried, I got a protective order placed against me. After that I did choose not to see the children, due to the circumstances around the protective order, for several months. I was not going to be humiliated trying to visit with the children in a police station or whatever it was they wanted me to do.
During that time, I stopped paying the mortgage as I could no longer afford it. I had to close down my business (just me) and take a job with a customer of mine because I couldn’t function correctly, let alone try to run a business. I also had no option but to move in with my parents in a 55 or older mobile home community. I also ended up going through a personal bankruptcy.
She subsequently filed for divorce, and I had to hire an attorney. With the information I had, I thought when I went to court to ask for the paternity test it would be granted. Wrong! Upon reconsideration, my motion was denied, as her attorney argued case law and the presumption.
It’s important to note, while in front of another judge (one of the six) she stated that she was on vacation when our case was first heard and she WOULD have allowed the paternity test — if for no other reason a medical one. One of the things I was hoping for!
Signed the stipulation
In January of 2008, a stipulation was crafted by my wife’s attorney outside of the courtroom. The stipulation stated that she would agree to paternity testing based on one of the three possible outcomes. 1) Neither child is the husband’s. In this case, the child support I was paying would cease and become “Alimony” at the same rate as the child support guidelines for six years. Outcomes 2 and 3 were if I was the father of one or both. (Those outcomes did not happen).
Under extreme duress, yet of “free will” and as emotional as that fiasco was, I signed the stipulation with my lawyer present. Big mistake!
I at the time believed the youngest probably wasn’t mine and the oldest most likely was. (I mean after all I was married to her for 12 years!)
It was around February of 2008 when I did finally see the children again, yet before the DNA test results were in, because of what I heard the oldest boy had said. I guess he looked out the window one afternoon, while at his great-grandmother’s home and said, “I miss my daddy,” and started to cry. After hearing that, I was an emotional wreck for two days and could not even leave the house because my eyes were so welled up.
Upon seeing them again, I was greeted by my first name by the oldest, and the youngest, who wasn’t even walking when I had stopped seeing them, came over and put his arms up to be held. You can imagine how I felt. (Or can you?)
Not the father
When the test results came back, I was notified that I was the father of neither child. It turns out they actually have two different fathers! One is now currently paying child support and is the biological father, and unbeknown to me, was actually visiting the oldest child at the marital home on occasion, whether he knew if it was his boy or not, I do not know.
The second child, I believe is of her current boyfriend, though they denied all that in court. I have proof I can’t use, due to how I obtained it.
As soon as I had left the marital home, in August of 07, her boyfriend basically moved right in and I was effectively and immediately replaced.
After the results of the DNA tests were in, I chose not to see the children. A sad, devastating decision, yet one that I feel had to be made.
As soon as I knew I wasn’t the biological father of either child, I knew who was. She went after the first father, as their relationship ended due to all this, and is living with the father of the second child.
Paying alimony
My attorney was completely useless, and I felt like I was always making suggestions as to how to approach this entire case. She allowed me to sign the stipulation in my emotional condition and was useless to try to come up with a plan to somehow seek my answers another way.
Fast forwarding, I stopped paying any money to my wife after finding out what happened. As far as I am concerned the stipulation was fraudulent. I, of course, was then in contempt of not paying, and back in court again, another judge (another one of the six) stated she wasn’t going to find me in contempt and believed I deserved my day in court.
Other judges that we were in front of did not like the agreement, and expressed concern over securing alimony as it was presented.
I subsequently asked my attorney to withdraw — and I still owe her $5000.
The final judge to hear the trial found that I should be bound to the stipulation and pay the $225/week alimony payment for six years. That was issued Feb. 2009. I have of course have not paid any money, which I did state at one point to the judge that I would rather sit in jail than give her one red cent.
Read more — Sociopaths as Parents (Part 2): What the child sees matters!
June 17th 2009 was my contempt hearing date. I had filed a motion of relief from the judgment, hoping the judge will be convinced that it was fraud, or at the very least “innocent misrepresentation,” as means to find relief on my behalf. But the judge didn’t receive it by June 17th, and when I went to court, I ended up going to jail for the day. I was content staying jail, although my boss saw things differently, and by the end of the day, I contacted him from jail to help me get out which he did. So I now pay the $225/week for six years.
Ex-wife is a sociopath
I have not seen the children in more than a year. I don’t know if I’ll ever see them again.
To give you some insight into my reasoning, my thoughts are as follows. This is a toxic situation, thanks to my ex-wife, who I now know is a sociopath. No sorry, no nothing. She could care less about anybody’s feelings in this matter. My parents, no longer grandparents, two other families have grandchildren they didn’t know they had.
The oldest has been exposed to at least three men in his short life, and needs as much stability as possible. His father does have visitation. The youngest was only 1.5 years old when I stopped seeing him and has been with his father since I left so it is unlikely he will remember or know who I am. Who would I be referred to as? The emotional anguish is just too much to bear.
She is about to be evicted from the marital home and I guess she is going to live with the boyfriend, the youngest child’s father.
I have nothing to say to my ex-wife, nothing to say to either father, although I had held out hope that the oldest child’s father would be reasonable enough to at least let me know how he is doing, but no luck so far.
Think about the children
As far as I go, houseless, wifeless, and kid-less, bankrupt, and drunk most nights (I rarely used to drink). I just got my first DUI in November of this past year.
I got kicked out of my parent’s home because I’m not 55 or older after living there for a year. (Park rules) I now rent a basement apartment not far from where my parents live, although it is 100 mile round trip commute to get to and from work.
I think about the children every day, occasionally cry over them because I am left with the perception of how at least the oldest child feels and thinks — only because I am an adult. I pray both of the children will be OK. I, on the other hand, have to live with this for the rest of my days on this planet. I never know when I will be overcome with sadness over what should have been or missing them. I am always reminded when I see an infant or a toddler with his Dad of how life was and was supposed to be. Now devastated, I have to some how rebuild, start over with less than nothing, and dare I say maybe have kids of my own someday. Who knows?
People say, why don’t you just pay the money — at least you have your freedom? Unfortunately, if I have to pay this money I am not free. A freedom I never even knew was taken away when the presumption was instituted or accepted so many years ago.
And in the middle of this ridiculous situation are two beautiful children, robbed of man who could have given them the moral beliefs I share, and the good things this life has to offer. I fear I have done all I can and my best for them. I got them the truth, something they were unable to get for themselves, and something other unscrupulous individuals should have done for them a long time ago.
Move forward slowly
It is important to note: when I went to get some counseling due to all this, in my first meeting the therapist said, “It sounds like the woman you’ve been married to has no conscience, and those people can’t be helped.”
After hearing this, and of course believing that everyone could be helped, I went on the computer and did a search on “people without a conscience” That led me to your site almost two years ago. After reading the material you’ve compiled, every switch, light, thought and thing that happened that didn’t make sense at the time over the years with this woman, all made complete and utter sense. Now, I believe one of the only things that have helped me though this nightmare is knowing what I didn’t know before. Knowing there is nothing I could have done before, and nothing that can be done now to help or fix this situation. It just the way it is and I somehow have to move forward albeit very, very slowly.
Learn more — Breaking through to alienated kids
Lovefraud originally posted this story on August 6, 2009.
Games sociopaths play
Gary
Well I dont know what to say except your world has been tipped upside down, turned on its head in every way concievable. Thank God you have the ‘real version’ now, and I think taking things step by careful step is the way to keep going slowely…because so much has to be adjusted to fit this new version.
The emotional overwhelm I can only barely imagine and I end up shaking my head in confusion just thinking about it…what it must be like to be emotionally in the middle of ?? where would you start? blotting it out for a while with drink sounds totally acceptable to me….i know its not the answer but its impossible to stay conscious of that amount of turmoil all at once without going mad…as Henry says numbing the pain keeps it STAGNANT…and really this stuff needs to move inch by inch so you are getting the experience of travelling through it…It’s not you…its not your indentity.. its a life situation you survived…you are okay, you are breathing, alive, in one piece and from there take a look around…you are still a very powerful person with choices and now with incredible experience of living through the impossible…And that’s what those 2 little boys will need later on…to see you, learn from you and love you still no matter what.
Dear Gary,
May you continue to find peace and comfort and healing with your family and friends and faith…
I was brought to tears reading about your journey. You seem to be such a strong soul who has faced the reality of your exwife’s illness and made decisions that were best and RIGHT FOR YOU…
The first step in the healing process is to embrace yourself and never let go of what is important to you in life, love and happiness.
I look forward to the day that you share in your posts how healing and going forward brings peace and comfort and resolution/closure to you through the process of going forward with your life and dreams…
Yes you were a father figure to them, and they will forever hold a special place in your heart, but you were also a righteous, true, honest man for them. You likely gave them one of the few truthes they may ever have in their “family” life..
My prayers and well wishes for your future to have clarity and strength to rebuild a new and wonderful life for yourself. There is no hurry, one day at a time, we are all here for you and support you on your journey.
God bless you. Take care of yourself. Help yourself or seek help in beginning to choose to “put the bottle down,” -dont want you to miss out on your future.. please keep sharing your journey with us, it will help you and so many others to see your strength and challenges.
You have landed in a place where truth, trust, honesty and friendship abounds. You are safe here to be yourself and reach out to LF members for support anytime day or night… you are going to make it!!!!!
Wow! I can’t believe the kindness in your posts, I have only cried about the children not about my situation, but reading your posts and seeing your compassion for someone you don’t even know is humbling and appreciated, and reading actually brought me to tears.
It’s funny, you don’t know anything about what inner strengths you may posses until you’re pushed to the limit. During my struggles, and when I first decided to visit the children before the paternity tests, I wrote a little story about a tree with pictures in an attempt to draw analogy to explain to the the oldest boy what happened, and I actually got to read it to him. I realized after reading it to him, it could use some tweaking for a younger child, but none the less I hope he still has it. Maybe I’ll post it for you all to read.
Also, through out all this I have never even dwelled on the fact that I lost my wife. No tears for her, and I do not miss her, she was fake. I miss my home life and the children. The children were real and innocent and I was ecstatic being a father to them.
As far as my drinking goes, like I said I never drank except at a wedding or some event. Or a glass or two of wine on a night out to dinner. Problem is I ended up going to the local places I now live near, and guess what, you end up making friends with people who drink, so guess what we make plans to do? Go out and drink. It is a situation I never planned in being part of, but it is what it is and I recognize my problem, I just need to do something about it.
One other note that occurred to me during all this. After we were married, we never went to church. I wasn’t consistent, but before I got married I did go to church, and earlier in my life I went frequently with my parents, and then my dad. Luckily I still have both my parents and sometimes I get upset about them seeing whats happened to their son over the past two years. Anyway as the oldest was getting older, I was planning on taking him to church, I figured we needed to start somewhere, but I never got that chance. Maybe his father can find a way to get him there. But the Church thing kind of rings true with all the crap thats happened here.
Oh yeah, one other thing: one of the posts mentioned hoping she gets remarried in las vegas and then alimony goes away. To that, I understand she was engaged before our divorce was final, but again lied about it in court and even if she does get married, I still have to pay. If I die, my bankrupt ass still owes this money, if she dies, I still owe the money. It is the way the stipulation was written, luckily it is for a fixed amount over the next six years (now down to 65 thousand dollars)
By the way, paying this money isn’t helping me move forward, it’s actually impacting my ability to move anywhere.
I did start working out when all this went down to redirect anger to something positive, and I did loose 35lbs and changed my entire diet. I now need to pay for another year at the gym, but again paying her is impacting other things I need and want to be doing so we will see what happens.
Another thing on the sociopath stuff, this was the conversation at the court house, but outside the court room when this foolish agreement was crafted. I did not want to sign the agreement the way it was written and I said to my wife “How long is this going to go on for?” Her attorney responded, “May I remind you, you have a restraining order against you.” I told him “You sir can goto hell” Then my sister got involved and spoke up, (i can type what she said to my ex and she ended up with a restraining order too!!!!!), but the point is my ex-wife responded to my sister with the following while sitting next to her mother, and in front of me, my mother and sister “Why don’t you go and do more coke with your brother!” I looked at my sister and was completely blown away. I never have done drugs so she was just making things up to paint me as the bad guy, moreover, anyone she tells this stuff to includes me doing drugs, dating strippers while I was married. Absolutely horrifying! I know she wasn’t able to convince everyone, but here is what I will take to my grave. I was faithful to her the entire time I knew and was married to her, never cheated, no drugs, no strippers. I just worked my butt off to make everything work. When I stood in front of the Priest at the Alter and said “I do”, I meant it!
I’ll post more as I go on here, and people thank you so so much for your prayers, thoughts and concerns. And I to am sorry for the nonsense you fine folks have had to deal with in your own lives!!
Now I want to leave you with something I found very funny – I was looking for a father’s day card for my dad this past fathers day and bought him a card that said this: (On the cover) Dad, thank you for making me who I am today! (On the inside) The perfect guest on the Jerry Springer Show!
– I have to tell you I laughed my ass off when I read that!!
Take care all!
Things have to get better!! 🙂
Dear Gary,
IMHO making weekly alimony payments to her is an injustice – based upon the misuse and abuse and deceitfulness of the entire marital “contract” — not to mention parental betrayal. But having your freedom and ability to live your life in truth and in the real world is priceless!
Your card to your father was pretty comical (thank goodness you can find your sense of humor again!)
And regarding mourning the loss of your exwife, based upon what you have shared with regard to your commitment and loyalty to the relationship — if ever you needed to or wanted to allow yourself time to process the loss – (tears included) – it may be beneficial to you. Maybe you dont ever need to go there…but just know it can sometimes help and be beneficial to grieve the loss of the person you thought she was.
But again you sound strong about grasping her true colors and all the reasons why you chose to remove yourself from her toxic ways.
Good for you for focusing on your health, exercise and being aware that you need to do something about too much drinking…
Your optimism is good…its a long road….there will be setbacks and triumphs – stay focused – accept and allow yourself to go through all the feelings you have (good and bad) and continue to grow and learn about yourself and others…life will be good to you…It does get better!
ps. Happy Belated Birthday! You have your whole life ahead of you, and your parents must be so very proud of you as the role model of a father/caregiver you were and as a real man!
Take care!
Dear Gary,
I thnk most of us would make “perfect Springer guests” and it is so difficult for people in our lives that haven’t been close enough to SEe for themselves the EVIL of the psychopaths to really acctept that our stories are TRUE!!!!
You mentioned church, and I can tell you that my own personal spiritual and religious views have changed so much for the BETTER. Hanging out with folks at church rather than in bars with drinkers gives you a better chance of finding nicer people, but—there are some Ps in churches too, so be aware that a P can pop up anywhere!!!!
Stay around and read and learn and blog….this is a great place for when we feel good or when we feel down….accepting and believing people!!!
Dear Gary,
I would love to see your story of the tree with pictures. I am sure one day you will have your own genuine family again and you will write other stories for your own BIOLOGICAL kids.
In the meantime, get off the grog, look at the money you give as the price you have to pay to get away from the psychopath and try to start to be willing to be willing to start to detatch (i. e. let go )of the oldest child. The youngest one will probably have forgotten you by now. They will probably poison the oldest’s one’s mind against you.
Your biggest step is to recover and whilst you are doing it read the archives here so that you don’t fall into the same trap over and over again (like I did), for your whole life.
When MATT gets back he will have some advice for you on what to do legally. He is a lawyer and on your side (genuinely).He will give you free advice.
In the meantime, you don’t need a gym to get fit. Come to Lovefraud everyday and the pieces will slowly start to fit and you will get help here when you hit a roadblock.
We have ALL been where you are in one way or another. KEEP COMING BACK!
Dear Gary,
What hurts my heart the most, is when I read about the kids. I can feel your pain as well.
Also, when I think about the kids, I know the likelihood of them becoming sociopaths themselves is the most probable outcome. Hopefully by the grace of God, they will be spared.
I do not have any words of wisdom to help you through this pain. I cannot imagine that pain. My experience is having a daughter that is a sociopath. That is my pain. I suffer from the “what ifs” and “should haves”. I know you are suffering from those as well. These can be the most damaging thoughts when trying to move forward. As you mentioned in your letter, “Knowing there is nothing I could have done before, and nothing that can be done now to help or fix this situation.” These are going to be your own words to help you heal. Good Luck to you in your continued healing.
Gary:
I’m so sorry for your pain. You trully lived an illusionary life with the wife and children. The childrens emotional well being is the saddest of all because they will surly grow up with a slew of emotional problems as a resulst of their S mother. You have to find a way to detach so you can heal.
I have a suggestion regarding your need for social and physical outings outside the bar. Dont discount it, but consider Ballroom dancing. Dancing is an excellent way to excersise and get some endorphins in your brain, all while socializing. Ballroom gives you the opportunity to be in a social atmosphere, dance and get to meet new people. Take lessons, they are well worth the effort, and money. Seriously, the people that attend the dances are not alcoholics, or drug users, and fun to be with.
Good luck, and keep positive,
Hiking with a group is great too, or volunteering at an animal shelter, a retarded children’s home, helping others heal is healing.
Gary, welcome to all of our nightmares. You did what you can do. These leeches do not go away. Their sense of entitlement is sickening. I just received my second court order (my first motion) last week. My S has been ordered to pay childrens’ expenses (I have majority custody – uninsured medical expenses, childcare, other extraordinary expenses). Talked to my attorney for the first time since order was issued today. I owe over $20,000 in legal for a $5,700 judgement in my favor, expenses she legal was obligated to reimburse me for before I took her to court. The reality, she’s is not going to pay me what the ordered unless I go back to court and pay lots of $$$ to get a legal demand against her. I am convinced that she will attempt to bleed me bankrupt by requiring more court proceedings seeking her payment.
She countermotioned the removal of our parenting counsultant, seeking a “fresh, new consultant” who isn’t biased against her. The reality is that the consultant knows she is a S, the kids therapists know she is a S. She knows that they know. She wants to drop them and start fresh, this is what S’s do. Fortunately, this idiot judge was smart enough to deny her motion for the consultant’s removal. He and the therapists are my defense against this conscienseless woman.
Hang in Gary, its a tough road but you will strenghten and prevail in the long run. I am sorry to hear about your story.