Lovefraud recently received e-mail from a woman whose new husband was previously married to a sociopath, with whom he had two children. Two weeks before his divorce was final, the sociopath charmed him into sex and got pregnant again. Here’s what is going on now:
She uses the kids as pawns. She molested her son, he told his therapist (at 4 years old). Drew pictures of her vagina, doesn’t like hair in his mouth, wet the bed, the whole nine yards. She got out of it. We’ve been in custody hearings for a year and a half. The judge feels SORRY FOR HER!!!
My husband is a good man. She is Satan in human form. She’s a constant thorn in my side. My husband is good at dealing with her now. He knows how to work things to where she doesn’t get information.
She’s been married twice since the divorce, both marriages lasting no more than 7 weeks. We even had psychological evaluations done, which was 34 pages of “she has Borderline Personality Disorder, and she shouldn’t be alone with the kids.” The judge hasn’t seen this info yet. She keeps weaseling out of trial. She bleeds us dry in hearings that go nowhere. She signs agreements, doesn’t honor them and we go to contempt hearings where she’s reprimanded, that’s all.
She “gave” us the kids when she “attempted” suicide in July (when husband #3 left). She just did that to keep her parents happy, since she needs them to pay her bills. I’ve been caring for all three kids, on top of my three (one being 2 months old) this whole time, and she wants child support!!!
Then she demands the kids–you know, her possessions. So we go back to court for emergency custody. She whines to the judge about not having a lawyer (her parents finally stopped paying her bills), and it gets set for two weeks later. On, and on, and on. There’s so much more to the story, I can’t even explain it all. Not to mention what she’s doing to her kids emotionally. They hate me every time they come back to us. Low on sleep, whiny, etc.
I just don’t know what to do. How to deal with her. Help, please!
Document everything
As this reader has learned, sociopaths are proficient at manipulating the legal system. My basic advice is to keep careful records of everything that happens. Write the details of every incident in a calendar or diary kept just for that purpose. Document everything. Save all voice mails and e-mails. This reader may even want to videotape the child exchanges. The idea is to build a case against the woman, to eventually get her out of your lives.
But how does this family cope with the sociopath now, while she still has access to the kids?
What’s your advice?
Stories like these—and I’ve heard lots of them—tear my heart out. One of my future goals for Lovefraud is to offer educational seminars to family court judges and others involved in these cases so that they learn to recognize the games sociopathic parents play, and how damaging these predators are to children. Unfortunately, we’re not there yet.
Right now, the only resources we have to offer are the experiences of other Lovefraud readers who are, or have been, coping with similar situations. So what advice do you have? How do you deal with the sociopathic ex?
Please post your suggestions.
I FEEL YOUR PAIN,
YOU ASKED FOR ADVICE AND YOUR NOT GOING TO LIKE IT.
YOU PICKED HIM AND NOW YOUR COMPLAINING? IT’S YOUR LIFE TOO. SO EITHER LEAVE HIM OR PUT UP WITH IT. YOUR NOT GOING TO WIN AGAINST HER. AND BECAUSE HE HAS KIDS WITH HER THE NO CONTACT WON’T WORK. I SAY GET HELP FOR THE KIDS AND YOUSELF.
OR MAYBE HE’S NOT THE PRINCE CHARMING YOU DESERVE.
MOVE ON IT’S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
This kind of situation is the type of situation that is a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” type of thing that drives people “crazy”—there seems to be no solution that works. No good solution possible.
Accepting that there may be no good solution is I think a first step.
Then, “just do the best you can with the circumstances” that you have, realizing that the outcome is not going to be ideal.
Donna’s advice to DOCUMENT everything is good advice, and I would also recommend therapy for YOU and your HUSBAND for the strength it will give you, and possibly help with accepting a situation that is unacceptable.
If this woman is indeed BPD, there is a chance she may get herself into trouble or kill herself, or that you will actually get the kids from her and her out of your life, but even that will be a stress, I know, as she has and continues to damage the children, so they will come with a big set of problems.
I pray for you and for every man and woman in this situation, and you are NOT alone in this, there are thousands of others in this country in exactly the same situations. I also pray for the children, who have no control over their lives and are tossed to and frow. Pray for the wisdom to be able to change what you can and accept what you can’t change and to know the difference. (((hugs))))
My x sp still calls and hangs up she sends bogus pictures of her in Kona that are old photos, saying she is there, the funny thing is i saw these photo’s months ago, she has been a fraud from day one. Abusive mentaly and physicaly, she dates many low class men and still has a bed buddy that is in his 60’s that swore up and down he did not want to have anything to do with her, he even met with me and my ex girl friend whom he tried to date on Match. These people prey on loving caring people like us, they have no remorse, they don’t know what it is to make love to someone and spend the rest of there lives with them, all they do is destroy and blame everyone else and say they look at us as the ones with problems. The best advice i can give is no contact, forgive yourself for falling in love with a fraud.
I am heart sick for you and all of the children involved here. I think the advice about seeking family therapy is ESSENTIAL at this point. Remember that you want a good psychologist because most psychiatrists are for prescribing medication ( I believe). If you don’t have the money call a legal aide office in your area and they can give you names of people who will scale the fees to what you can afford. Your husband must be beside himself also over what she has done and is doing to these babies. Like OxDrover I will also pray for you and your family. The little boys claims need to be documented by a therapist and the police if you can get the police to do a report. Please have mercy and patience towards these children whom you say hate you everytime they come back to your home and keep in mind their mother may be blaming you and fueling that anger in the children. That they are showing you their emotions suggests to me they are somewhat comfortable in some stability they get from you. Work with that and tell them you understand their desire to be with their mom, but sometimes it is better to be at dads when mom has some problems to work through. Count off all the people who love them (grandparents, cousins, brothers, sisters, you and their dad). Make your home a place of peace and safety for them- emotionally and physically- and these children will begin to open up more to you as they feel safer. It must be very difficult for you to have the children spun back on you when they are angry and hurting because they will act out as children do. Don’t play into her hands as the bad guy/evil step- parent. Of course the children are going to be angry at you and you are going to be ticked at their attitude and behavior towards you. Your response to these children is crucial and if she can manipulate the situation where you look and act as the heavy, it makes her look all the better. A wise, loving, caring woman would want to be on a friendly basis with her ex’s new spouse especially for the purpose of that spouse to build a healthy bond with her children and enhance their life. The more people to love a child..the better. So, my unsolicited advice is to keep in mind that the relationship you are going to build with these children is no thanks to her. Her manipulation of feeding hatred into her children towards you is a game you can stop her dead in her tracks at. Watch her “play and lose”, as you bond with them instead of reject them which would serve her purposes in hanging onto them and continuing the abuse. Love and kindness trumps all in the end and you will have blessings down the road when these children thank you for caring for them and turning their lives around. There are wonderful therapists on here and plenty of bright people with experience to walk through this with you when you have questions and problems. This is a place you can come to and pour your heart out, sort the confusion, and find loving support.
Welcome, you have found a diamond sparkling in the darkness.
Kindest Regards, Julie
Taken for a ride: Yes, narcissism at it’s best. Me, myself and I … and what other people in the world?
Time for the courts to pull these bimbos and bimbettes into court and make them pay 1000s and 1000s of hours of community service until their debts … all their debts are paid off in full. Enough, is enough.
Time to flash all their photos around the country, all 50 states participate as their hearings are coming up on the docket. Do you know this person, if so, call 1-800 NON SENS and give your sworn statements of how they did damage to your life … the court calculates each and every violation … assigns a number to how many hours it will take to pay off their damage … and make them work their debts to society off.
STOP the craziness!
Peace.
What a nightmare this must be.
My advice would be to put all your energies into getting the courts to allow supervised visits only, and, if at all possible, consider moving as far away as you legally can from this woman. If she has to go through expense and effort to see these kids she will likely loose interest rather quickly.
Insist your husband and you go NC with the S. Hand off the children on visiting days in a public place if necessary.
Get counselling NOW.
Protect your own children as best you can from the emotional turmoil.
Remember that your husband cheated on you with his ex -UNPROTECTED sex no less – in the age of aids, and the ex is obviously quite promiscuos. So he put you in DANGER besides cheating. Be on guard for more breaches of trust. Remember the three strikes rule.
Be certain that your husband FULLY understands what P/S/N/’s are all about. If he continues to try to “deal” with her, count that as strike two.
Make sure you keep your own financial house in order and do not give up control of your finances, in the event that the blended family is too big a strain on all of you.
Keep very good records of visitation etc. take pictures if the kids come back bruised or unkempt, video tape them if they come back hungry. Create a paper trail.
Determine if statements from the two other exes will help your custody battles.
Make sure You don’t get stuck with dealing with the whole problem. They are your husbands children and he should take the burden of responsibility to sort out the mess.
If you can afford to, get a sitter and make sure you go out with your husband at least once a week, just the two of you. Nurture your relationship. No talking about the ex or the kids when on a date.
Find a happy thing that the combined family likes to do together and practice doing it regularly, to help everyone feel like a unit, and lesson the impact of the ex P.
Read the POwer of Now.
Read and blog and post, weep laugh and cry on Lovefraud.
Be absolutely certain that your husband is the man you think he is and deserves to be forgiven, and is worth the nightmare you are now subjected to. Think carefully about your own kids.
Remember you are not alone.
Just my 6 1/2 cents.
Wini well said, that would be so nice if that could happen, it would be nicer if they could be cured.
eyeswideshut: Well said, you forgot one word that no one is using … RAPE. And raped we were. Also a criminal offense. Is anyone out there listening????
Peace.
Taken for a ride: All we can do is pray for them. It is written in the Bible … we can’t/will never control them and vice versa … so if you get buried under what they have done instead of healing yourself, brushing yourselves off, get up again … and live your life to the fullest … they win.
Peace.
“a woman whose new husband was previously married to a sociopath……Two weeks before his divorce was final, the sociopath charmed him into sex and got pregnant again.”……..”My husband is a good man.”……”My husband is good at dealing with her now. He knows how to work things to where she doesn’t get information.”
Nowhere in this person’s post, first of all, does she indicate her husband CHEATED on her with the sociopathic ex-wife. In addition, her letter seems to indicate he is taking measures to AVOID her and keep her from interfering in their lives. She sounds as if she is HAPPY with her husband, just at a loss as to how to handle the ex’s sociopathic ex wife. I, personally, find advice telling her to question HIM and blame HIM is akin to other people blaming US for getting involved with a sociopath ourselves. Her husband is not the sociopath, the EX WIFE IS.
My first piece of advice to the poster is to IGNORE all the negative, obviously gender biased, comments about your husband. I agree with the poster who gave the advice to make a date night with your spouse as often as you can afford it, so you can nurture your relationship.
All of the advice about family counseling is good. Also, the documenting: keeping recordings of voicemails, etc. Try to keep the contact with the ex to a minimum. Don’t let her bait you into arguments. If she sees no reaction from you when she tries to bait you, she is less likely to do it.