Lovefraud recently received e-mail from a woman whose new husband was previously married to a sociopath, with whom he had two children. Two weeks before his divorce was final, the sociopath charmed him into sex and got pregnant again. Here’s what is going on now:
She uses the kids as pawns. She molested her son, he told his therapist (at 4 years old). Drew pictures of her vagina, doesn’t like hair in his mouth, wet the bed, the whole nine yards. She got out of it. We’ve been in custody hearings for a year and a half. The judge feels SORRY FOR HER!!!
My husband is a good man. She is Satan in human form. She’s a constant thorn in my side. My husband is good at dealing with her now. He knows how to work things to where she doesn’t get information.
She’s been married twice since the divorce, both marriages lasting no more than 7 weeks. We even had psychological evaluations done, which was 34 pages of “she has Borderline Personality Disorder, and she shouldn’t be alone with the kids.” The judge hasn’t seen this info yet. She keeps weaseling out of trial. She bleeds us dry in hearings that go nowhere. She signs agreements, doesn’t honor them and we go to contempt hearings where she’s reprimanded, that’s all.
She “gave” us the kids when she “attempted” suicide in July (when husband #3 left). She just did that to keep her parents happy, since she needs them to pay her bills. I’ve been caring for all three kids, on top of my three (one being 2 months old) this whole time, and she wants child support!!!
Then she demands the kids–you know, her possessions. So we go back to court for emergency custody. She whines to the judge about not having a lawyer (her parents finally stopped paying her bills), and it gets set for two weeks later. On, and on, and on. There’s so much more to the story, I can’t even explain it all. Not to mention what she’s doing to her kids emotionally. They hate me every time they come back to us. Low on sleep, whiny, etc.
I just don’t know what to do. How to deal with her. Help, please!
Document everything
As this reader has learned, sociopaths are proficient at manipulating the legal system. My basic advice is to keep careful records of everything that happens. Write the details of every incident in a calendar or diary kept just for that purpose. Document everything. Save all voice mails and e-mails. This reader may even want to videotape the child exchanges. The idea is to build a case against the woman, to eventually get her out of your lives.
But how does this family cope with the sociopath now, while she still has access to the kids?
What’s your advice?
Stories like these—and I’ve heard lots of them—tear my heart out. One of my future goals for Lovefraud is to offer educational seminars to family court judges and others involved in these cases so that they learn to recognize the games sociopathic parents play, and how damaging these predators are to children. Unfortunately, we’re not there yet.
Right now, the only resources we have to offer are the experiences of other Lovefraud readers who are, or have been, coping with similar situations. So what advice do you have? How do you deal with the sociopathic ex?
Please post your suggestions.
Talk about a unsolvable problem, talk about being between a rock and a hard place. This circumstances has it all plus more….
Being a true and faithful believer in NC that works time and time again. But when dealing with children how oh how does one deal with that? Even if a sociopath takes a child from us and successfully “runs and hides” with said child. Still this too must be dealt with sooner or later. Really there are no easy answers here. I do know that our court system MUST acknowledge and deal with these sociopathic people differently. Our court officials MUST stop allowing these people to run our court system into the ground and then be allow to manipulate it as well. My question is when oh when is our court system court officials and judges going to wake up and see this as a problem? Really our judges act more like “cops” on the beat when he comes to dealing with a sociopath in court! In short they (court officials) don’t have a clue what they are dealing with!!!!
So sorry, I wish I could help but truthfully I only have more questions then answers…
kat_o_nine_tales
I have to agree with you that if they do (Which no doubt they do) come here and post, it isn’t hard to spot them. S have problems with the written word and trying to express themselves insomuch they tend to give themselves away very early in the game. As for “peeping”? Well peep all you want (s/p) because I know all you will get from it is denials denials and denials! Just more lies you can tell yourself!
James: I think Oxy is a great example of being a child living in this situation you mentioned. I think because Oxy’s humbleness stayed with her most of her life … she felt the pain from both her parents, but insisted on seeking truth. Even though she dealt with years of this abuse, she made it through. Emotionally battered and bruised, but made it through.
She can tell you better what the children of these folks have to go through. I think I see the answer in all our tales … we internalized it … and somehow worked through the pain caused to us … seeking truth.
Peace.
As far as I’m concerned about Xs peeping in here to read what we write, I hope they are learning something constructive (LOL).
Peace.
Dear James,
In reading your post about the court systems and psychopaths being allowed “parents’ rights” to the detriment of the children reminded me of the LAST GREAT JUDGE–King Solomon, and his “family court” problem.
Two women had babies, and one of them while sleeping with the baby, rolled over on it and smothered it. She realized this and while the other mother slept, she picked up her dead baby and placed it with the other mother and then took the live baby. Boy, was she a PSYCHOPATH!
The next morning the mother of the living child realized that her baby had been stolen. She accused the Psychopath but the psychopath CONTINUED LYING. (Imagine that!)
They ended up in court before the King. Each woman told her story and it was definitely a case of “she said, she said” so the WISE King/Judge knew how to get to the truth of the matter.
He said, “Well, since I can’t tell which woman is telling the truth, we will just DIVIDE the kid down the middle!” The PSYCHOPATH thought that was a great idea! It was FAIR.
Well, of course the REAL LOVING MOTHER said “NO NO! Don’t harm the child, let her have it.”
At that point the King gave the baby to the REAL MOTHER because SHE was the one who CARED for the child’s welfare.
Judges today should use the wisdom demonstrated by Solomon about which parent is the one to “care for the child’s welfare.” I realize that the cases aren’t as open and shut as that one but I still remember Dr. Amy Castillo’s case, and her X killed their children to get back at her. I still hope there is a hot spot in hell for that judge, and I hope that if nothing else he is tossed off the bench and disbarred.
All forms of abuse are not about “killing” or “breaking bones” in the children as well, but more subtle emotional abuse which is difficult to legislate against, to protect against. Children are scapegoated and their spirits broken.
Children grow up in homes filled with fear and abuse. My “Uncle Monster’s” children grew up with horrible fear and anxiety, and dread. It was only a few years ago that I actually found out the horrible things he had done to them and their mother, the fear he had instilled in them. The tremendous scars he left. They have all managed to get through the trauma and are all “good people” but two of them chose to not have children themselves. One adopted a special needs child and then had one of her own biologically.
When I realized that my “saintly” mother knew about and covered up the atrocities committed by her brother it makes my stomach sick.
When people KNOW ABOUT WRONG-DOING and do nothing, to me it is being an accompliace to the crimes.
Dear Oxy: I read what you wrote about King Solomon and that more judges needed to utilize this wisdom.
I am praying that people in this country that have power over our lives read the Bible to gain wisdom … instead of thinking that attending church is all that is required. Reading the Bible at least 20 minutes/day is one way to learn and gain wisdom. The other is to surround yourself with wise people who have also read the Bible. This way, society can put their mind at ease again, knowing those in positions they hold to benefit society, will do so through wisdom learned.
There is no short cuts in gaining wisdom. You either fit reading the Bible into your daily schedule, or you don’t. I’ve met people who jog logger than 20 minutes/day.
Peace.
Bible doesn’t do you any good either, if it’s all in your head. The heart is where God’s forgiveness happens, none of us are righteous “no not one”. We aren’t any better than the people who have hurt us really, I think what makes us different is that we WANT to be.
Kat: What do you think of this?
Mourn the losses, celebrate the faithful, and consider the God-given possibilities.
Battlefields are seldom pretty sights.
Neither are the churches which have inflicted heavy membership casualties.
Losses do occur.
Some of them significant.
Virtually all of them painful.
Even in the most war-torn battle zone, the faithful still remain.
These faithful are the ones God has faithfully chosen, guided, guarded and empowered.
They are the ones He has chosen to re-build the ministry.
The pastor’s greatest calling is to be God’s agent to minister to these people and watch God breathe life into what may seem to be an Ezekielian valley of dry bones.
Celebrate Renewal.
The battle having been won, transformation is just around the corner.
Remember that transformation is seldom instant.
Instead, the faithful’s transformation is the result of new shoots coming out of the stumps.
Seek them, nurture them, and watch God work powerfully to bring unprecedented and unimaginable renewal in your people!
The skin is healing over the wound in my faith but it’s very delicate right now. I want to get back into church for the kids, but I don’t know how many “You’re a christian so now tithe, work and forgive.. dress modestly, and always smile for the people on the way out the door, unless of course you’re crying at the altar with the other abused wives.. bleh.. no more for now. And it’s not a matter of finding a better church, I’ve been to so many of them over the years.
Dear Kat,
I can SO relate to your “the skin is healing over the wound in my faith but it’s very delicate right now.”
The nice thing is that you can have FAITH without having to expose yourself to people who SAY they have “faith” but don’t practice it. Sometimes they are simply well meaning people who THINK they are being kind and are think they are “encouraging you” when in fact, they are hurting you.
When my husband died I had so many people who said “I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL”—-NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! they didn’t KNOW how I felt! But they were MEANING to be kind.
We can say to each other “I know how the P makes you feel” and we DON’T know exactly, maybe, but darned, if we don’t have a pretty good idea. So on something like the P stuff, I don’t take offense if someone says they “know” how I feel, because I have an idea they DO KNOW.
It is difficult for me to get mad at these “well meaning” people, but at the same time, their words and their “well meaning” stuff goes right through me like a knife, so I STAY AWAY FROM THEM so I don’t have to listen to it.
Same thing with going to church, I haven’t gone since the time last year when I fled. I am going to start back, but there is a really good congregation that is NOT JUDGMENTAL and doesn’t push people. That is where I will go. But I know that God is not “mad” at me because I haven’t gone to church, and so HE’S THE ONE I CARE WHAT HE THINKS, not others.
Kat, honey, you do what YOU NEED TO DO, and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks about your faith or your relationship with your idea of God. You and God, that is the only thing that matters, not what anyone else thinks you “should do.” I spent years trying to please God by doing what my mother thought God wanted me to do, it was like she was Moses coming down from the mountain with the “commandments,” only she had 10 THOUSAND, not ten. LOL
Now, I am no longer scared to death of God’s wrath, or visualize him as some angry old man sitting up in the clouds with a book making X marks by my name. LOL I “see” God as a spirit of LOVE. When people are kind and good to each other, they are doing “God’s work,” when people are mean and selfish with others, they are doing the “work of Satan.”
When you have a peaceful soul and are good hearted and kind to others you are happy. When you are always thinking about yourself and narcissistic, like the Ps, they are never really happy I think.
What is “dress modestly?” Does that mean a long Burka like the Muslims wear? I think that basicly “modestly” means “don’t dress like a hooker.” What is modest also depends on WHERE you are. If you are at the beach “modest” is one thing, but if you are at a library what would be “modest” at the beach wouldn’t be “modest” at the library. LOL Don’t get all hung up on the “rules” that other people try to put between you and God, Kat, just hang on to a faith of LOVE. (((hugs))))