Lovefraud recently received e-mail from a woman whose new husband was previously married to a sociopath, with whom he had two children. Two weeks before his divorce was final, the sociopath charmed him into sex and got pregnant again. Here’s what is going on now:
She uses the kids as pawns. She molested her son, he told his therapist (at 4 years old). Drew pictures of her vagina, doesn’t like hair in his mouth, wet the bed, the whole nine yards. She got out of it. We’ve been in custody hearings for a year and a half. The judge feels SORRY FOR HER!!!
My husband is a good man. She is Satan in human form. She’s a constant thorn in my side. My husband is good at dealing with her now. He knows how to work things to where she doesn’t get information.
She’s been married twice since the divorce, both marriages lasting no more than 7 weeks. We even had psychological evaluations done, which was 34 pages of “she has Borderline Personality Disorder, and she shouldn’t be alone with the kids.” The judge hasn’t seen this info yet. She keeps weaseling out of trial. She bleeds us dry in hearings that go nowhere. She signs agreements, doesn’t honor them and we go to contempt hearings where she’s reprimanded, that’s all.
She “gave” us the kids when she “attempted” suicide in July (when husband #3 left). She just did that to keep her parents happy, since she needs them to pay her bills. I’ve been caring for all three kids, on top of my three (one being 2 months old) this whole time, and she wants child support!!!
Then she demands the kids–you know, her possessions. So we go back to court for emergency custody. She whines to the judge about not having a lawyer (her parents finally stopped paying her bills), and it gets set for two weeks later. On, and on, and on. There’s so much more to the story, I can’t even explain it all. Not to mention what she’s doing to her kids emotionally. They hate me every time they come back to us. Low on sleep, whiny, etc.
I just don’t know what to do. How to deal with her. Help, please!
Document everything
As this reader has learned, sociopaths are proficient at manipulating the legal system. My basic advice is to keep careful records of everything that happens. Write the details of every incident in a calendar or diary kept just for that purpose. Document everything. Save all voice mails and e-mails. This reader may even want to videotape the child exchanges. The idea is to build a case against the woman, to eventually get her out of your lives.
But how does this family cope with the sociopath now, while she still has access to the kids?
What’s your advice?
Stories like these—and I’ve heard lots of them—tear my heart out. One of my future goals for Lovefraud is to offer educational seminars to family court judges and others involved in these cases so that they learn to recognize the games sociopathic parents play, and how damaging these predators are to children. Unfortunately, we’re not there yet.
Right now, the only resources we have to offer are the experiences of other Lovefraud readers who are, or have been, coping with similar situations. So what advice do you have? How do you deal with the sociopathic ex?
Please post your suggestions.
Dear Kerisee,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can’t even imaginehow you must feel with this much stress in your life, and especially with children concerned. This woman seems to be your own personal cross to bear.
I will keep you in my prayers and all the children involved as well. I think some of the worst crimes these people commit is to their own children. God bless you.
Thank You Ox,
You’re an inspiration.
She is diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder, but everything she does screams of sociopathy. I read somewhere that they can’t be diagnosed with that until they’ve been in psychotherapy for at least six months. Well, she wouldn’t be able to stick with anything that long. Thus the catch-22.
She started cosmetology school, and gets free daycare, so she’s been taking the girls to this daycare. She had no problem with it until she saw her “husband’s” ex-wife taking their kids there. Well, the ex-wife told the daycare teachers about how crazy she is, and on top of that, she blew up at the director because she wouldn’t write a letter for court against us because we picked the girls up late one time. (We paid the late fee– happened to be late because of meeting with lawyer). She was letting the F-bomb fly in front of parents and kids, then went to court acting all normal. Now she’s switching daycares. How unstable! She says it’s because of security issues. But the director said she lets the girls run around the busy parking lot unnattended while she flirts with the dads! If she’s so worried about security, how about letting the grown-ups take care of the kids and she can prostitute herself out all she wants!
But it’s all about control. She doesn’t know what love is. Just ownership. Possessions. My husband was a possession (still is, in her mind). His kids are her belongings. I begged for a year to get my step-daughter’s hair cut, because she’s 3, and it was way too long. No…No…No… Then, one month after starting cosmetology school, she cuts her hair off!!! Badly, I might add.
The kicker, though, was when she asked my husband to take their one-year-old two days early (the week I was supposed to give birth). My husband said yes, because x-s was “going out of town.” Well, she went off to Vegas, got married, and came back a full 3 days after she said she would. Left us with all the kids–while I had the baby!!! She came back, and I had a 3 day old baby. She knew I’d be giving birth that week. She couldn’t wait? Noooo… It’s all about her and what she wants. All the time..
Dear Kerisee,
BPD is a diagnosis that is so close to psychopathic diagnosis that I am not sure that they are not the same. It seems that more women are diagnozed BPD and more men PPD, but both are extremely difficult to deal with and have many of the same behaviors.
Something you might do that might help your attorney is to sit down and make a “biography” list of her activities, marriages, schools starting and stopping, etc. with the y ears and so on that they went on. The point of this is to show that she is “unstable” and that she flits from this to that. You can also maybe get a psychiatrist or therapist to testify for you that this PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR is detrimental for the children.
Of course she arranged to do the go to vegas and get married while you were having a baby–she got the maximum amount of misery out of it just for your benefit. That’s what they do. Don’t take it personally, it isn’t just “you” it is any woman your husband (her possession) would be with. She has to punish you and him for whatever things she imagines you two need punishing for. Plus, BPDs LOVE DRAMA.
One of the best ways to work with them is to NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU UPSET BY ANYTHING THEY DO. Keep a POKER FACE around them, keep your words short and to the point. Don’t ARGUE or contradict, just state facts.
Even if she shaves the kids heads or whatever, don’t react to it. The REACTIONS should be restricted to court rooms and as little personal interaction as you can get by with I think might help. They LOVE DRAMA so they get a thrill when they get a response from the audience (you). I know it is difficult to NOT respond, and it might be better if your husband did all the dealing with her face to face, and you not. That way at least you would have NO CONTACT with her and that might allow you some time to emotionally heal and get your head to stop spinning some. Not even having to see their faces is a vast improvement, and it might make her feel less threatened by your position as his wife and she might let up a bit at least for a while. ((((hugs))))) and prayers!
Ox,
Yes, I’m excited about our trial. The psychologist did evaluations on all of us. It was 34 pages long, and she didn’t have one good thing to say about Yoo-hoo (our code name for her). The psychologist will be our star witness. She knows full well how bad this woman is for her kids. So far Yoo-hoo’s been able to fool the judge, but not after the doctor testifies.
Really, the haircut thing is just an irritant. A minor itch on a body of rashes. LOL. I really don’t have much one-on-one contact with her. I leave that to my husband. I know I can’t handle it. She’s way too b!tchy, and I’d end up saying or doing something that negates the boundary I’ve built up. Like you said, she became tired of starting things with me, because I wouldn’t respond to her. But she tries once in a while by nagging my husband, acting like he’s hers. That gets me upset, but I still keep my cool. She doesn’t deserve a reaction from me.
Thanks for listening. I’ve blown a lot of smoke. It’s been building for a couple years now. I’m really trying to work on myself so that I’m not such a negative person. It’s not about what happens to me, it’s about how I take it.
Dear kerisee,
Quote: “It’s not about what happens to e, it’s about how I take it”
RIGHT ON! Keeping a positive and optimistic and hopeful frame of mind is a good thing, a VERY good thing, but at the same time I do know how hard it can be to do so. I am working on tht for myself as well. Putting lots of effort into being positive and it is paying off as I am starting to have more and better good days. Being more optimistic and feeling that I am more in control and that LIFE IS GOOD.
Looking more toward the NOW and TODAY than looking back into the past or even into the future, just enjoying the TODAY that I have. The simple things, the little things that if we are too negative or too down or too busy we miss.
Keep us posted on your trial results and how things are going for you.
If you haven’t seen it yet, go to Dr. Leedom’s blog web site about “parenting the at risk child” and she has some great information there for you and your husband about your step children. You should also got some good support there, but be sure and let us know here what happens at your trial.
It drives me “crazy” to get half a story and then the person never comes back and tells us how it turned out. LOL (((hugs))) and I will keep you in my prayers!
I have a question, though. My five-year-old stepson has been exhibiting behaviors that completely remind me of his mother. I am seriously concerned for this child. He will do things, and not care one bit about who he hurts or why he did it. His answer is always, “I wanted to and so I did.” When I look in his eyes, they are lifeless. Not lifeless, almost reptile-like. I worry so much. He lies too. All kids lie to some extent, and maybe I’m making it out to be more than what it is, but he will go with a lie, even when he’s been completely caught. When he gets in trouble, he whines and cries and makes it all about him. He doesn’t care that he did anything wrong, he just cares that he got in trouble. I can’t describe it very well. I know he’s gotten better since he’s been with us, but all that is about to change with the mediation agreement. His custody is supposed to go back to joint tomorrow. But I don’t think his mom knows what to do with him and his school schedule, so we may get to keep him. Fortunately the trial is only a couple weeks away. Hopefully we get a good result.
Anyway, so is it possible this child is already sociopathic? Is it really too early to tell, and if he’s exhibiting signs already, that doesn’t bode well for the future, does it?
Dear Kerisee,
There is a link here (found on the left side of the pages) to Dr. Leedom’s site “Parenting the At-risk child” I strongly suggest that you go there and read and blog there to get some advice on parenting a child who has a P parent to hopefully prevent them becoming full-fledged Ps, and to help the develop some empathy for others. Good luck and God bless.
Did the molesting of the 4 yr. old boy get referred to the DA’s office? That was extraordinarily harmful. In my opinion one of the biggest problems s/p’s present to society is, quite frankly, s/p judges, prosecutors, etc. siding with the s/p’s appearing before them.
There are several subterranean s/p problems that are just vast in scope, this is one of them, in my opinion. They all involve “passing for normal” s/p’s. Of course, I can’t know if that is involved in this case, I do not know the judge’s motivations. And, of course, s/p’s are geniuses at making others feel sorry for them (indeed that feeling is one of the flags to alert oneself).
In terms of educating jurists (and juries) perhaps there could be a court ordered educational program to produce “sociopath qualified” judges and juries. As it is, it seems the court system just can’t recognize the scope of s/p misbehavior.
Path-
I don’t know if it was referred to the DA’s office, but it was investigated by police. He did not disclose his mother to police. Part of the problem is that this child LOVES his mom. He didn’t even realize he was disclosing anything to his therapist, because she has ways of getting them to talk when they don’t realize it. Believe me, that’s the only way she got ANYTHING out of him! He is the type of child that won’t say anything unless he wants to. He doesn’t want to get his mom in trouble. She’s twisted his thinking so that what she did to him wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t the bad touching that he’s taught to tell about. She’s that sick…
Sociopaths don’t just lie to everybody else. They also lie to themselves. They make themselves believe their lies so that they’re better at telling them. In her mind, she never did anything wrong, so she passed the lie detector test. Of course, at the time, she was on Klonopin, anti-depressents, and other cocktails of mood-altering drugs as well.
I think judges should be well aware of the tactics of sociopaths, too. But how can they know that when even psychologists disagree about their traits, origins, and even what to call them??? And society is trained to believe that anybody who calls another a psychopath is just exaggerating facts, because “psychopaths are crazy serial murderers,” not con-artists, serial bitches, child-molesters, and “regular” people riding the line between legal and illegal, making normal people’s lives hell.
But I digress. The only people who care about sociopaths/psychopaths are the ones who’ve been targeted and were smart enough to educate themselves, and the people who are paid to point them out.
Do I sound bitter? If so, I’m sorry– have a lot to work through here…
Dear Kerisee,
Yes, but you sound FRUSTATED to me. Being angry with injury and injustice is a normal and expected result. If you weren’t angry I would be worried about you! You wouldn’t be normal. The trick is to let the anger energize you to fight the injustice without letting the anger turn into bitterness and “soul cancer.”
Take some time for nurturing yourself and keeping your marriage intact. That is also important. (((hugs)))) and always prayers.