Lovefraud recently received e-mail from a woman whose new husband was previously married to a sociopath, with whom he had two children. Two weeks before his divorce was final, the sociopath charmed him into sex and got pregnant again. Here’s what is going on now:
She uses the kids as pawns. She molested her son, he told his therapist (at 4 years old). Drew pictures of her vagina, doesn’t like hair in his mouth, wet the bed, the whole nine yards. She got out of it. We’ve been in custody hearings for a year and a half. The judge feels SORRY FOR HER!!!
My husband is a good man. She is Satan in human form. She’s a constant thorn in my side. My husband is good at dealing with her now. He knows how to work things to where she doesn’t get information.
She’s been married twice since the divorce, both marriages lasting no more than 7 weeks. We even had psychological evaluations done, which was 34 pages of “she has Borderline Personality Disorder, and she shouldn’t be alone with the kids.” The judge hasn’t seen this info yet. She keeps weaseling out of trial. She bleeds us dry in hearings that go nowhere. She signs agreements, doesn’t honor them and we go to contempt hearings where she’s reprimanded, that’s all.
She “gave” us the kids when she “attempted” suicide in July (when husband #3 left). She just did that to keep her parents happy, since she needs them to pay her bills. I’ve been caring for all three kids, on top of my three (one being 2 months old) this whole time, and she wants child support!!!
Then she demands the kids–you know, her possessions. So we go back to court for emergency custody. She whines to the judge about not having a lawyer (her parents finally stopped paying her bills), and it gets set for two weeks later. On, and on, and on. There’s so much more to the story, I can’t even explain it all. Not to mention what she’s doing to her kids emotionally. They hate me every time they come back to us. Low on sleep, whiny, etc.
I just don’t know what to do. How to deal with her. Help, please!
Document everything
As this reader has learned, sociopaths are proficient at manipulating the legal system. My basic advice is to keep careful records of everything that happens. Write the details of every incident in a calendar or diary kept just for that purpose. Document everything. Save all voice mails and e-mails. This reader may even want to videotape the child exchanges. The idea is to build a case against the woman, to eventually get her out of your lives.
But how does this family cope with the sociopath now, while she still has access to the kids?
What’s your advice?
Stories like these—and I’ve heard lots of them—tear my heart out. One of my future goals for Lovefraud is to offer educational seminars to family court judges and others involved in these cases so that they learn to recognize the games sociopathic parents play, and how damaging these predators are to children. Unfortunately, we’re not there yet.
Right now, the only resources we have to offer are the experiences of other Lovefraud readers who are, or have been, coping with similar situations. So what advice do you have? How do you deal with the sociopathic ex?
Please post your suggestions.
Kerisee,
You flag some big problems. Incest victims (at all ages) usually protect the abuser. S/p’s seem to have a knack at selecting crimes in which the victim will keep silent (incest, blackmail, dress gray rapes (of males who won’t want the publicity of a trial), etc.).
And it’s true that most people seem to think s/p’s have to be serial killer extreme, otherwise they’re not an s/p in their minds. I have a blog where I discuss possible sociopathic involvement in news stories and crimes, http://pathwhisperer.wordpress.com/ . My friends will say such things as ‘that’s all very interesting, but isn’t that a strange interest?’
They don’t believe in SAPs, Socially Adept Psychopaths, who exist in every walk in life http://users.hal-pc.org/~rcanup/sap.html .
Your right, “The only people who care about sociopaths/psychopaths are the ones who’ve been targeted and were smart enough to educate themselves.” That’s what make blogs like Lovefraud the cutting edge of public education about s/p’s. It’s that intensity of personal experience and pain.
Pathwhisperer, I checked out your blog. I found your comments about Britney and Kevin interesting because I have always thought the same thing.
Dear Pathwhisperer,
I like your SAPs–THAT IS GREAT! And you know, I think for every Socially UN-ADEPT PSYCHOPATH there are 3 or 4 SAPS. I have known many more SAPS than I have known the Un-SAPS. My son could be a SAP if he had managed to get through his rebellious teen years without going to prison, I think.
My P-bio-father was not a SAP, but he managed to stay out of prison and got stinking rich so that made him “ECCENTRIC, not CRAZY” (his terms). Many SAPS in the entertainment industry and in sports (OJ comes to mind) seem to “get away” with their P behavior even though it is exposed to the media simply because they have the bucks to hire attorneys and UN-SAPS don’t always have the money for the attorney.
I think many SAPS go into the legal profession as well which helps keep them SAPS instead of UN-SAPS unless they really screw up. I also think most “white collar crime” is committed by SAPS who are rich enough to get away with it, or they become POLITICIANS.
Unfortunately though I think that much P behavior that is committed by these SAPS is becoming more “socially acceptable” because of their role modeling for our youth.
Good Job@.......! on your blog.
Path, I checked out your blog too. It looks good.
It does raise a question though. Is it possible that some conmen are simply “normal” human beings that are just motivated by greed and fast money? Are they all S/P’s? Let me know what ya’ll think.
Thanks for the encouraging words.
Jen, yeah, I’d bet any amount of money that Kevin F. is an s. If I recall he had family with another girlfriend (who was either pregnant or just had a newborn) when they got married. He still managed to convince Britney that she was the special one for him. In Christina Onassis’s case, she even paid rent and living expenses for T. Roussel’s other family. I think these two conmen were just phenomenal at making their targets feel needed and understood.
I once was the nominal supervisor of an individual who laughed at all my jokes, understood all my arguments, seemed to be interested in everything I was interested in and was just a swell guy to be around. Then he must have realized I didn’t have firing and hiring powers over him. It was like a light switch had been thrown, night and day in difference. Though looking back at it, all his reactions had been a beat off (in acting terms) – it must have taken him that long to calculate what I wanted from him in response. I think it must have been the same in Britney’s and Christina’s cases. But why notice the offnotes when you’re hearing everything you want to hear.
OxD, isn’t that a great term? To the best of my knowledge it originated with Roger Canup. It’s also great that the word, saps, is pejorative itself. S’s live in a pejorative universe, imo, and you can even smoke SAPs out sometimes if one expresses things in very pejorative wordings. I agree with you that there are probably more SAPs than Un-SAPs.
Keri, definitely, there are both s/p conmen and “normal” conmen. I would say all s/p’s are conmen, but not the other way around. I understand that conartists actually sit around and discuss theory, cases and variations of known cons (prisons are almost universities for this kind of thing). So anyone who catches on fast or has that bent can learn the ropes, as it were.
LF is a great place, kudos to both the owners and posters. People come here trying to figure out what happened to them or to share their experiences and spread the truth, as they see it — some with thinking trained by higher degrees, others with just their native smarts. I see this as a blog of serious and intent truth seekers.
Help! Help! Help!
Our lawyer just told us that the psychological evaluations we had done will not be admissable in court next week because my husband was bullied into a mediation agreement with her AFTER the evaluations were done! We were told by our lawyer at the time that all evidence would remain intact, but she lied! We have a different lawyer now, but we can only use evidence from the last 6 months!!!
What do we do??? The judge is going to give that perpetrator the kids!!!
Dear Kerisee,
I am so sorry sugar, I wish I could put my arms around you and hold you. I know that you must be devestated. I wish I had something encouraging to say to you, and the only thing I know to say is that I AM PRAYING FOR YOU. Keep in mind, when I thought I “lost” in court and was so devestated I just wanted to crawl into a hole and pull the hole in after me (that was the first week in May) then August 4th, the Ps self destructed and were arrested.
IF I HAD WON IN MAY and gotten the Trojan horse Psychopath permanently out of my mother’s home, my now-X daughter in law would have still been around. It was only because I “lost” that they were BOTH eventually sent to jail/prison,
God works in HIS OWN TIME, and not in ours, and sometimes what appears to be “horrible news” eventually turns out to have been a Godsend.
I am going to tell you a parable.
Once there was a very poor old Chinese farmer named Woo. Woo had only one horse and one son and they could barely survive. One day Woo’s horse ran away. The neighbors ran over and were sympathetic with him and said, “Oh, Woo, this is TERRIBLE LUCK, now you have no strong horse to plow your fields and you and your son will starve” (Great neighbors right? LOL) Well Woo looked at them and said “Good luck?Bad luck? Who can tell?”
Theneighbors shook their heads and went home, not knowing what the heck was wrong with Woo, THEY could see it was BAD luck that the horse was gone.
Then, the very next day the horse came home, and brought a wild horse with it. The neighbors ran over to congratulate Woo on his GOOD luck. “Oh, now Woo, you will have two strong horses and you and your son will become wealthy me. Such GOOD luck.”
Woo again shook his head and said “Good luck, bad luck? Who can tell?”
The neighbors were now convinced that Woo was CRAZY it was obvious to them it was GOOD luck.
The third day the new horse kicked Woo’s son as he was trying to break it to harness and broke the boy’s leg.
The neighbors all ran over to commiserate with Woo about the BAD LUCK and woo was now very irritated with them. He said “When will you people LEARN? gOOD LUCK? BAD LUCK?WHO CAN TELL?”
The neighbors went home sad that their friend woo had obviously lost his mind. He could no longer tell good luck from bad luck.
The forth day, the Emperor’s army marched through the village and took all the able bodied young men of the village away to the war and the families knew they would never see their sons alive again—all that is except Woo’s son, who had a broken leg and the army left him behind.
Sometmes what happens that we think is BAD LUCK or a bad thing, turns out later to have been a BLESSING waiting to happen. Hang in there and I will keep praying for your family. I will put your name on prayer lists and trust that God hears our prayers and will do as He promised in the Bible “ALL things work together for GOOD to those that Love the Lord.” Keep up HOPE, DON’T LET GO. ((((HUGS))))
kerisee04: When the impossible and unspeakable starts happening … pray to God to handle it … give it to God, he will take care of it. It works … have faith.
You are in my prayers.
Peace.
You all are right. My husband is handling himself better than I am. He knows that there’s no justice in the justice system and that only God sees everything. He knows that she cannot escape His wrath and that what happens now will determine her everlasting future. The same goes with us. I have to deal with myself. I can’t change the unchangeable. I think that’s what I’ve been trying to do. Thanks, Oxy, thanks, Wini.
Kerisee,
I will keep you in my thoughts as well. As OxD and Wini have said, So many things in life are outside of our control. Try to stay positive and do the things you can do in order to minimize the contact with the S and have some peace in your life. If you can let go of the outcome, you will be more relaxed and be able to stay more focused to do the things you need to do that you CAN do. She may win a battle but she will not win the war. It’s just a matter of time.
Hugs,
StarG