Lovefraud recently received e-mail from a woman whose new husband was previously married to a sociopath, with whom he had two children. Two weeks before his divorce was final, the sociopath charmed him into sex and got pregnant again. Here’s what is going on now:
She uses the kids as pawns. She molested her son, he told his therapist (at 4 years old). Drew pictures of her vagina, doesn’t like hair in his mouth, wet the bed, the whole nine yards. She got out of it. We’ve been in custody hearings for a year and a half. The judge feels SORRY FOR HER!!!
My husband is a good man. She is Satan in human form. She’s a constant thorn in my side. My husband is good at dealing with her now. He knows how to work things to where she doesn’t get information.
She’s been married twice since the divorce, both marriages lasting no more than 7 weeks. We even had psychological evaluations done, which was 34 pages of “she has Borderline Personality Disorder, and she shouldn’t be alone with the kids.” The judge hasn’t seen this info yet. She keeps weaseling out of trial. She bleeds us dry in hearings that go nowhere. She signs agreements, doesn’t honor them and we go to contempt hearings where she’s reprimanded, that’s all.
She “gave” us the kids when she “attempted” suicide in July (when husband #3 left). She just did that to keep her parents happy, since she needs them to pay her bills. I’ve been caring for all three kids, on top of my three (one being 2 months old) this whole time, and she wants child support!!!
Then she demands the kids–you know, her possessions. So we go back to court for emergency custody. She whines to the judge about not having a lawyer (her parents finally stopped paying her bills), and it gets set for two weeks later. On, and on, and on. There’s so much more to the story, I can’t even explain it all. Not to mention what she’s doing to her kids emotionally. They hate me every time they come back to us. Low on sleep, whiny, etc.
I just don’t know what to do. How to deal with her. Help, please!
Document everything
As this reader has learned, sociopaths are proficient at manipulating the legal system. My basic advice is to keep careful records of everything that happens. Write the details of every incident in a calendar or diary kept just for that purpose. Document everything. Save all voice mails and e-mails. This reader may even want to videotape the child exchanges. The idea is to build a case against the woman, to eventually get her out of your lives.
But how does this family cope with the sociopath now, while she still has access to the kids?
What’s your advice?
Stories like these—and I’ve heard lots of them—tear my heart out. One of my future goals for Lovefraud is to offer educational seminars to family court judges and others involved in these cases so that they learn to recognize the games sociopathic parents play, and how damaging these predators are to children. Unfortunately, we’re not there yet.
Right now, the only resources we have to offer are the experiences of other Lovefraud readers who are, or have been, coping with similar situations. So what advice do you have? How do you deal with the sociopathic ex?
Please post your suggestions.
Hey, everybody, I’m just popping back in. To be honest, I was trying a siesta to see if I could get my mind off of the sociopath. Just an update: Since she got joint custody back of kids, my husband was ordered to pay her $50/wk child support (even though they share time with the kids 50/50). He’s not even late and she’s texting him about getting paid. It’s ridiculous. I told him to pay her once a month at the beginning of the month. That way we can have several weeks without having to deal with the getting paid issue. What a freak.
Her husband, who was going to testify for us, then turned around and showed up in court on her side, has left her. Permanently. Big surprise. You know, you try to help these people see that they can’t fix them, but they almost always have to find out the hard way.
She’s already seeing another victim named Tony, according to the kids. She shushes the kids, because we get the information in a round-about way. If we ask them directly, then they deny that they know him. If we just ask them what they did with him (in an assuming way), they open up.
My step-son’s school sent us a letter saying he’s been out of school 7 days this semester (all on her time). If he gets ten in one semester, he gets held back. She lets him ride the bus to our house on her weeks, because then she can pick him up here later than picking him up at school. Then, she’s late, and the 6 year old is running around the neighborhood for 15 minutes until she shows. I’m usually picking up my kids at that time from school, so I’m not there. Frustrating!
She fought tooth-and-nail for those kids, now that she has them, she doesn’t want them. She’s always calling to see if we can take them, if we can’t, she sends them to her mother’s all week. Grrr…..
All-in-all, I’ve been dealing with it much better. She picks fights with my husband from time to time, but he never bites, and I don’t let it get to me quite as badly as I used to. Only time will tell, I guess. The most frustrating part is that whenever she loses a man, she turns back to my husband, calling him for advice on the kids, showing up at his work, etc. Then she finds somebody new, and she’s off.
Dear Kerisee,
Glad you popped back in, it is nice to know an update, because we DO care and want to know how everyone is doing.
I’m sorry that you had to share custody of the kids with her. YOu might try not being accomodating to her on changing schedules, and also keep count of the dates the kids miss school (which would cause them to be held back) and make sure the kids are always at school on your time OR HAVE A DOCTOR’S exuse. You might be able to use that against her in a further hearing.
Hopefully, things will be somewhat more calm for you and your hubby both! Good luck and thanks SO much for touching base with us. Come back and read some more there are some REALLY GOOD ARTICLES the last couple of weeks on handling them. Kathy Hawk has written a great one, you might want to print off and let your hubby read. ((((hugs))))
Sometimes there just is no way out…you just have to make the best of the situation. You will always have that mental “tug of war” about whether or not the husband is worth all the anguish you have to endure. You feel constantly torn between wanting to be free of the sociopath, and the pull on your heart for your spouse.
I know this will sound totally made up, but it is the truth. My husband and myself were BOTH married to sociopaths the first time. And we each had a daughter with our ex-s. And BOTH of those daughters are sociopaths. They are in their 30’s now and so much misery is now beginning to make sense. When we married 30 years ago, nobody used the term sociopath. We just knew they both had problems. Looking back I can see why my now husband and myself were easy victims for these con artists. We are both very passive, very loyal, and very non confrontational. We also had a daughter together, and thank God she is normal and the joy of our life. She told me one time, that no one need look any further than her sisters to see why we were not with our ex-s any longer. I even went to counseling for a while because with those 2 girls were making me doubt my own sanity. I didn’t go for long, because most therapists don’t even “get it”…..they both have children of their own now, and are both horrible parents, but in different ways. They are horribly abusive to their husbands, they job hop, they cannot keep friends. They are thieves, whores, and liars. They can turn on the charm and play the victims and give Oscar winning performances! As their mother and step mother I find myself feeling deep pity for them at times, and of course blaming myself. I’m not sure that sociopaths ever marry other sociopaths, I think they would repel each other, not attract. These 2 girls chose men that were sweet, trusting, and easily manipulated. I have noticed that both their husbands ALWAYS cover for them….never call them out on their antics. The power these women have over men will never cease to amaze me !!! It’s like being in the middle of a nightmare and you cannot wake up…The older one is an RN and it scares me so badly that she is taking care of others when they are at their most vulnerable. After all these decades I cannot imagine what a normal life would feel like without this downward magnetic pull of these sociopathic women. Sometimes it’s not just a matter of leaving…….now I have grandchildren to think about.
God help them. I am so thankful we all have this blog to come to when we need to “vent”……..that’s all some of us have…
I have just found this site today, and have been reading… Finally, I’m beginning to understand my husband’s ex-wife. We always knew that there was something wrong with the woman. She has done so many things to so many people. My biggest concern is for my 15 year old stepson. This poor child has been a pawn in her game for his whole life so far. Sadly, he has learned by her example. He lies about nearly every aspect of his life.
I sincerely hope to receive some advice on how to better handle our situation. The Ex, as I will call her, has been absolutely the most manipulative and devious person I have ever had the misfortune of meeting.
My husband, (I will call him R) is a very kind, sweet-tempered, and loving person who, thankfully, survived his marriage to the Ex. Not without some major mental scars, and a few physical too.
In the early part of their relationship, the Ex was a very good actress. R was convinced that she loved him, and all was hearts and roses. She was always a bit controlling, but never to the extent that she came to be after their son was born. Ex refused to get up in the night with the baby. Insisted that R take care of him. Being the loving man that he is, R would get up with his son and comfort, feed, diaper, etc and rock him back to sleep. The baby was always an inconvenience to Ex. When baby made her look good, Ex had time for him. Otherwise, R took care of baby all the time.
When baby was just a few months old, Ex filed charges against R, accusing him of domestic abuse. Ex even went as far as to slam a car door on herself to create bruises. A restraining order was issued, and R was only allowed to have supervised visits with baby. I cannot type anymore right now. I have been emotionally drained for months. Will come back and write more later.
OMG, this has been going on for so LONG! I feel just horrible that I don’t know how to rescue this poor child. He is almost 16… Ex has been using him to promote her own agenda all this time…
Any advice would be tremendously appreciated!!
Dear Hope to heal,
I’m glad that you found this site, but so sorry that your family’s situation has made you NEED TO FIND IT.
I suggest that you keep on reading and learning…there are many people here with DIFFERENT relationships with different sociopaths–parents, friends, lovers, children, ex lovers, spouses….etc. they come in all walks of life and all kinds of relationships. Many times we refer to them as “he” but only because most of those that are diagnosed are “hes” but SHE can be as bad or worse as “he” can be.
I am the daughter of a violent psychopath and I am the MOTHER of one….so I have it from both ends and after my husband died I dated one—unfortunately, there is a big genetic component to psychopathy/sociopathy as well as an environmental one.
Your step son apparently got the WORST OF BOTH WORLDS. I was fortunate that I didn’t even meet my P sperm donor until I was a teenager, but my P-son who had every advantage in the world to succeed decided about the time he hit puberty to be just like my P sperm donor….and he is now in prison for murder. As a younger child there were VERY few problems with him, less than “normal” I would say. He was a great kid loved by everyone who met him….adults and kids alike. Now he is a monster.
Unfortunately, people have free will and exercising that free will and the choices in behavior that go with it is something none of us can control in another person. You, in short, cannot “save” your step son…he has to want to save himself. He may not be willing to do that. That being the case, you must encourage your husband and yourself to do the “best you can” and give the rest to God. Love the young man, do the best you can to set boundaries and consequences for him, and not play into his teenage shiat, and hope that he will grow out of it, but he has free will one way or the other.
What you can do though is to realize that neither you nor your husband are AT FAULT or to BLAME for what the young man’s choices are. It IS PAINFUL to see anyone that you love self destruct, but we don’t have to let them take us down with them. As a parent whose child became an adult monster, I can relate to loving someone who not only self destructs but does his best to destroy me and my family as well. He came really close to doing it. I just thank God that he is in prison at least for another three years…and I hope more than that.
Dear Ox Drover,
I truly appreciate your caring and willingness to help others. I too, hope that sharing my experience will help others to find their way through.
I am so sorry to hear of your family’s problems with P. I too pray that your son remains in prison so that he cannot hurt anyone else. I have read that some of the issues can be attributed to genetics. Although, I realize I have only scratched the surface and have a very long way to go in understanding this problem.
I’m a bit confused about one part of your reply. Please explain what you meant by: “Your stepson apparently got the WORST OF BOTH WORLDS.” His father, R, is a wonderful caring man, who has been and continues to be a victim of the Ex’s manipulative, and destructive behavior.
I have been in the child’s life for about the last 10 years. He was such a sweet and loving little boy when I met him all those years ago.
I am trying to find ways to protect my stepson from further damage by his mother. She, of course does not admit to any wrongdoing.
I will continue to read of other’s experiences and look forward to achieving some peace and tranquility in our lives. My prayers go out to everyone dealing with these awfully sick people.
Dear Hope two heal,
I meant that he got the genetics from his mother (egg donor) and the ENVIRONMENT from being abused by her as well……
It is also common that the ADHD genetics and/or the bi-polar disorder go along with the sociopathic tendency as well…sometimes they get them all, just because they ahve one doesn’t mean they don’t have one or more OTHER PROBLEMS as well. In addition many are prone to drug or alcohol addictions which further add to the problems of behavior and attitudes.
A while back there was a gal here who posted under “witsend” whose 16 year old son of her alcoholic ex husband who had suicided was burning from a loveable young boy to a monsterous psychopath that she was literally afraid of….she was desperate to find help through the courts and the school for her son to save him. Her son is now 18 and has been out of her life living with her ex in-laws who are about as dysfunctional as their deceased son, enabling the boy. The boy’s mother, though, Witsend herself is healing. Is coming to grips with the fact that she realizes she cannot save the boy (now man) from himself and the demons he inherited or found.
I can definitely relate to Witsends quest to save her son from what she could clearly see is a downward trend—dropping out of school, drugs, anger, rage, threats, etc. I wanted so badly to save my own son, to cut a hole in his head and pour in some SENSE to make him see that he was throwing his life away and would wind up in prison—well he did, and then went back to prison the last time at age 20 for murder. He just turned 40 and he is still just as dangerous as he was when he was 20. I realize now that it was not my fault, I am not to blame, any more than just for unknowingly passing on the genes of my P-sperm donor and those ps that went before him.
I wasn’t a perfect parent…but who is? But I don’t have to be a perfect parent, I did the best I knew how at the time I did it and I tried….that’s good enough. I loved my kids, I spent time with them. I took care of them. But in the end, I could not save them from themselves. One is a psychopath and the other one is just immature even at 41, not a psychopath, but not the kind of man I want for a friend either.
What has helped me the most I think is to realize that I have to be responsible for myself and that is all that I can do….set boundaries that protect me, and set boundaries for how I treat others and how I allow them to treat me. I can be content with that and not try to take on responsibility for running the universe or anyone else’s life either. God bless you, and I do hope that you and your husband can come to a peaceful resolution with yourselves and that the boy will reverse his course before he does ruin his life, but it isn’t something over which YOU have control. (((hugs)))
Dear Ox Drover,
Thanks so much for the clarification. These last few months have been an emotional roller coaster for us. Since girls have been in the picture for our boy, things have become more intense. He gets little to no supervision from his S mother, and up until very recently was allowed unlimited access to internet and cell phone.
The boy was diagnosed ADHD and mild Asperger’s Syndrome when he was quite young. I believe it was prior to 1st grade in school. So you are correct, he does have other issues going on. I am sincerely praying that he does not continue to follow along the path of lies he is currently on. Mostly he has been scheming to see the girl that he likes. Her mother has forbidden her to see him. Partially due to the fact that she strongly dislikes the S in our lives.
Ex does almost anything she can to keep herself in the boy’s good graces. Tries to give him anything that he wants to make up for her nasty behavior so that he still wants to stay with her. She teaches him nothing of responsibility, manners, or consequences for misbehavior.
R & I have worked with him on many things. Beginning with sleeping in his own bed, tying his shoes… all those things that a mother normally teaches her children. Ex never even taught him the proper way to say his last name! It’s not difficult, she just never bothered herself with it. That’s how little regard she has for anything besides her own agenda.
I wish you many blessings as you continue on your journey in this life. I’ve heard it said that “If the good Lord brings you to it, He will get you through it.” I’m going to start trying to follow the advice: “Let go, and let God”
Here we go again – another round with the Ex.
First – we gave 15 yr old 2 passes on lying about a girl with whom he was not supposed to have any contact. (this was at her mother’s insistence) He was warned on both of those occasions that if it happened again, we would contact the girl’s mother to let her know that the kids were NOT obeying her no contact order.
Second – he of course lied again. We did as we promised we would, and sent the girl’s mother an e-mail. No big deal in my book. We got her in the loop to prevent these 2 teens from doing something really stupid.
Third – the fireworks began. Ex left 2 screaming voice mail messages. She was pithed about the fact that I had established communication with “Amy”, who was very appreciative to finally know what was going on with “M”.
Fourth – I sent an e-mail to Ex with this note as a preface:
>>Hello EX, Before you get any farther out of line with R, you need to read what was actually sent to “Amy.” I did NOT send any of the graphic details to her. I am hoping that it does NOT come to that. Justin is playing us against each other, like usual. This is why I prefer contact to be in writing.That way his LIES cannot distort what is actually being stated.
I have forwarded the messages that I sent to “Amy”. It begins with my asking her to send her private e-mail address to me.<<
Ex then sent a very scathing e-mail to me. In it she accuses me of verbally abusing 15 yr old. Claims that I yelled at him the entire time he was here… blah, blah, blah.
Claims that it was my fault that he was shaking in fear when she got home from work that evening. Of course he was shaking in fear. Ex is the one who LOVES to scream and throw hissy fits. He was afraid of how she was going to react when he told her that R & I had contacted "Amy".
Ex has been extremely silent since I responded to her e-mail with very calm answers to each and every accusation she had thrown my way. We knew she was plotting and scheming her next move.
Today, when R had to drop off 15 yr old's meds, Ex confronted him with: I showed that e-mail to social services and they said she is a "loose cannon". (Oh, sometimes I wish I were!) They also supposedly told her that "if this happens one more time there will be a restraining order against me"
We know that it is just another one of her bull sh*t ploys to get us to obey her every whim. NO WAY!
I am doing my VERY best not to let Ex see any kind of reaction. CALM, COOL…
Dear Hope2heal,
I applaud you for keeping calm, cool and collected. I also suggest that you check to see if it is legal in your state to tape record phone conversations with the Ex. In MY STATE as long as one party to the conversation (you) knows it is taped, it is legal to do so….so if it is legal, DO SO. Keep all copies of all documents as well. Keep hard copies and digital copies.
Wouldn’t hurt to have a digi tape recorder when you are interacting with Junior as well.
It sounds like junior is having some severe problems and has some severe “other issues” as well….keep in mind that sometimes children like this can be quite violent…did you see the one in the news recently (sounds about like yuour Junior) that was taken in by his mother’s cousin because mom couldn’t control him, and he had a thing going with a 12 year old against his guardian’s wishes and the mother of the girl, so he killed his guardians and ran stole a car and ran away with the 12 year old girl. IT DOES HAPPEN when there are obstacles to “love” between two dysfunctional children…so be careful, protect yourself (no weapons in the house that are where the kid could get to them etc) and protect yourself from the ex who very well could call CPS and blame you and lie…so heads up.
I realize it is difficut (at best) to manage a child like this but with a psychopathic co-parent who is into hurting others, it becomes a tidal wave of danger. God bless and keep your chin up! (((hugs)))