Editor’s note: Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader.
I went on a date last night with a man I met on MillionaireMatch.com.
Looked great on paper. His photograph was so-so and I didn’t expect much.
We met at a restaurant and when he walked in I thought to myself, “Oh that’s not him; he’s too good looking.” Well it turned out to be him. We introduced, started talking and he teased me, and asked if I was buying dinner. That was my first red flag. Why would a proclaimed millionaire ask me to pay? I thought perhaps he was screening out gold diggers. We never left the bar nor had dinner, although he paid for an appetizer and drink.
He talked about his life including his sexual conquests with twin 24-year-old girls and he’s 45 like me. Why on earth would a normal, emotionally mature man talk about his three-way sex life with girls half his age on a first date? What did he think? I would be impressed with his virility? Red flag number 2.
Despite this, I see he has fallen in love with me and is ready to monogram the china. He talks about how I need to move closer, and what a good time we’re going to have. He tells me about how he is remodeling his house, and talks about the high-dollar materials, marble flooring, etc., that are going into the house.
He’s annoyingly hands-on and acts as if we are a item and tells me he feels as if he’s known me forever and how beautiful I am and how we’re perfect for each other, blah, blah, blah. Then he starts the manipulative web-spinning procedure and says things to me to create self-doubt in myself and make me feel as if I couldn’t possibly function without him. He told me I was compulsive but he would help me with my problems. Compulsive is the last damn thing I am. Now I’m starting to get creeped out.
He invites himself to my house Saturday night to sit in my hot tub. Red flag number 3. I said, “I want to see your house and all the new construction.” He says maybe the third date. I’m thinking, “What are you hiding?”
I look at my watch and say I must go home. We leave the restaurant. My car is parked out front because there was plenty of parking in the parking lot. In fact, my car was the only car in the parking lot and I asked him where his car was. He said he had it valeted and it was in the parking garage 2 blocks away. There was no valet at that restaurant. Red flag number 4. He must be driving a real piece of crap and if I were to see it, I would doubt the millionaire story.
This morning he calls me and leaves a message about how I missed spooning with him in the bed. My blood is now curdling.
I text him and said I was going to do a full search on him; it’s just something I do since I have been conned out of a lot of money by other men. I just want to protect myself from being hurt again. You understand.
He texted back and said we’re done talking.
Busted!!!! Any caring emotionally healthy man would have nothing to hide and be impressed with my desire to protect myself.
Now I get it, Donna”¦ Now I know the reason. Now I know what to look for, what to hear, and when to run.
I am glad that the writer was able to recognize red flags with this guy and he was a BIG creep. I am just having a real hard time with the whole on-line dating thing. Maybe I’m wrong, but I can’t possibly understand, why people would be on this blog telling their stories about their experiences with the devastation of sociopaths, and then decide that continuing to on-line date is an intelligent thing to do. I’m not trying to incite trouble here but, these sites I’m sure are FILLED with sociopaths and dangerous people.
I knew one girl back years ago who met her husband that way but most of the relationships would probably not succeed. I hear some people on here that still talk about having profiles all over these sites and meeting people on them. It just really scares me. I would just hope that if someone was recently devastated by a sociopath and trying to heal, that they would not consider it a good idea to continue doing this. I doesn’t make sense to me. It almost seems like they’re addicted to the drama. Based on my experiences, I would NEVER consider doing it.
I had a profile on match.com several years ago, briefly. I met an older man who seemed attractive and he wanted to meet me. I got a really bad vibe about the whole thing and said no. This was BEFORE my ex and his devastation. Ever since then, the whole idea creeps me out big time.
My ex met me and all of his other girlfriends IRL. My brother is happily married to a woman he met online. I don’t blame anyone for trying to find love however they can! It can be pretty lonely post-spath, and though I wouldn’t dream of trying to meet anyone anytime soon while I’m still licking my wounds, I certainly wouldn’t rule anything out. It’s no more desperate than going to a bar, really.
some of my friends made great matches online. They have been happily married. I met few virgins. Yes- overage virgins who are too shy to get out, but seek someone and make great friends. Whichever is the case, I met my P through work – this was the only experience on-the-job. So, go figure.
then, he met all his women through “work” too
great post….made me laugh out loud and that’s a welcome thing post P
Yeah, you know I trawled the on line dating sites, met up with several dates early on after the P left the scene. I was in total shock, I was just going through the motions trying desperately to “move on” like him, but I hadn’t even felt the impact of the P let alone ready or able to have a new relationship…
In hindsight ALL of those dates had red flags attached and I gave up eventually, culminating in a burst through of emotions, all grief related and on going a year later…no on line dating for months but will go back when ready, it’s not on line dating that is the scary thing, it’s about being able to read a sociopath/psychopath/toxic man as EARLY as possible, and call it….feeling a sense of achievment that you CAN…now falling for someone genuine would be the hard part…not weeding out Ps
What I like about this post, regardless of her motive meeting a millionaire, someone financially stable may well cut out sociopaths who are usually parasitic when it comes to cash…so motive is personal and I wouldnt assume she is a gold digger for wanting to meet a man who is financially set up (and not looking AT ME to set him up)
what was so refreshing was the way she picked up on every smooth move, every cringe making compliment, his phony affect, his car no where to be seen…He obviously could’nt have cared less about her or else he would have connected with her astuteness, her scanning him but no he was all glib, surface, no genuine encounter here..brilliant. I want to be able to do that, scan the scanner, see the seer, feel with my senses and call it bullshit when it STARTS to stink.
While I applaud anyone for having the courage and wherewithal to get up and try again, online is the one place I will avoid. Not merely for the fact that that is where I met Mr. Wonderful/NotSoMuch, and had previously used that venue with some success, but can honestly not see where I will trust anyone to the point of engaging in conversation, when I can not even get past the reading of the profiles. They are truly in a no-win situation for me. Profile too short, they are hiding something, being vague. Profile too wordy, they are hiding something, too many details. Couple that with the fact that at this stage, none of them even look remotely attractive to me.
I guess some people are just at different stages and don’t see online dating as the threat that it can be. It may have to do with the degree that you were traumatized, or maybe they haven’t yet tried the online thing, so wouldn’t rule it out.
As for me, I’m sleeping with my boots on…… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGmhB-fTvdM
shana31
I agree with you, it’s good to hear you are having similar feelings…I cannot get past reading the profiles, Would’nt dream of putting my image up because even the thought of one predator having a look at what’s for lunch is Re traumatising for me. ALL the profiles these days have significant alarm bells such as
“my dream date is going asleep that night and waking up thinking of you” (he hasn’t even met us yet !)
OR
favourite Book: How to photocopy and print money (funny? or a clue)
OR
you look stunning! can’t wait to meet you! (vomit inducing)
which is genuine? they all have red flags as far as I’m concerned, wouldn’t touch any of them and they are fairly mild…ha ha and yes what IS that, none of them look attractive to me either, and it’s bewildering to me… to look at a 2d image of a man all I wonder is…is he one? could he be one? aaah he looks like one…
I think to try and jump back in the saddle was a question of denial. I didn’t want to feel the pain, I thought if I can replace him with someone genuine I’ll be “winning” after all the P had me ‘replaced’ immediately and wanted to send me a ‘picture’ of her to see what I thought? I was so hurt I could barely think straight…
The P kept goading me on…go on find someone new…have you met someone yet? He knew I was de railed and wanted to rub it right in…I think I would have shot up in his estimation if I had someone new …but I was a crumpled mess. So from crumpled mess to on line dating??? NO WAY but I desperately tried and told the P I was dating again and having happy times (lie to protect myself ) he seemed less scary then
I thought he possibly still cared and he wanted me to find someone so I’d be happy but he clearly wanted to CRUSH me by bragging and thought I was defective, pathetic and stupid if I didnt have someone quick like him…. and to him it was because I was a crazy woman no man would have me, …this is whilst he is robbing my money and driving a car I funded…RAGE and no contact is all I can do…
Maybe there will come a day one man will look attractive and have a profile that I can live with, and maybe we will meet up and maybe it would be fine….just not right yet!! I will NEVER date again with the same innocence I had when I fell in love with The P
Bullet and Shana – I just wanted to thank you both for sharing your experiences x…
My feelings about dating right now are very similar. Bullet I did sort of the same as you at first, for the same reasons and with the same ‘ignition’.:( Luckily for me I met someone nice, but unlucky for him because I was not in the right place and I think he deserved better than crumpled mess me:(.xx
My internet connection wouldn’t let me, but apparently the internet gods h ave smiled and I am connected for the momemnt.
I would like to reply to Frank lee’s first post, about the woman who was on Millionaire.com etc. and Silver’s comments to him.
I can’t say I don’t agree that someone who would go on “millionaire.com” to try to find a good hook up isn’t a bit of a superfiscial or to put it bluntly gold digging girl. Actually I think anyone who goes on an internet site to find a date is playing with FIRE.
As for Frank Lee’s presentation of his opinions about other’s posts or how we interact with each other, or our spiritual beliefs I think is to be blunt, QUITE rough and that he should use more tact in his approach.
There are believe me things that offend me here, but I am learning not to FLAME BACk and to let it slide off my back like water off a duck’s back, and I think Frank, I would make the same suggestion to you. Get the chip off your shoulder, there’s I’ve said it, get over it!
I don’t recall the author saying anything about her financial status. But if she were a millionaire herself, it would make perfect sense that she would look for another millionaire- rather than the typical S or P who is penniless and looking for a free ride.
Just because she’s a woman seeking a man with money, it doesn’t mean she’s a gold digger. It works both ways.