Editor’s note: Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader.
I went on a date last night with a man I met on MillionaireMatch.com.
Looked great on paper. His photograph was so-so and I didn’t expect much.
We met at a restaurant and when he walked in I thought to myself, “Oh that’s not him; he’s too good looking.” Well it turned out to be him. We introduced, started talking and he teased me, and asked if I was buying dinner. That was my first red flag. Why would a proclaimed millionaire ask me to pay? I thought perhaps he was screening out gold diggers. We never left the bar nor had dinner, although he paid for an appetizer and drink.
He talked about his life including his sexual conquests with twin 24-year-old girls and he’s 45 like me. Why on earth would a normal, emotionally mature man talk about his three-way sex life with girls half his age on a first date? What did he think? I would be impressed with his virility? Red flag number 2.
Despite this, I see he has fallen in love with me and is ready to monogram the china. He talks about how I need to move closer, and what a good time we’re going to have. He tells me about how he is remodeling his house, and talks about the high-dollar materials, marble flooring, etc., that are going into the house.
He’s annoyingly hands-on and acts as if we are a item and tells me he feels as if he’s known me forever and how beautiful I am and how we’re perfect for each other, blah, blah, blah. Then he starts the manipulative web-spinning procedure and says things to me to create self-doubt in myself and make me feel as if I couldn’t possibly function without him. He told me I was compulsive but he would help me with my problems. Compulsive is the last damn thing I am. Now I’m starting to get creeped out.
He invites himself to my house Saturday night to sit in my hot tub. Red flag number 3. I said, “I want to see your house and all the new construction.” He says maybe the third date. I’m thinking, “What are you hiding?”
I look at my watch and say I must go home. We leave the restaurant. My car is parked out front because there was plenty of parking in the parking lot. In fact, my car was the only car in the parking lot and I asked him where his car was. He said he had it valeted and it was in the parking garage 2 blocks away. There was no valet at that restaurant. Red flag number 4. He must be driving a real piece of crap and if I were to see it, I would doubt the millionaire story.
This morning he calls me and leaves a message about how I missed spooning with him in the bed. My blood is now curdling.
I text him and said I was going to do a full search on him; it’s just something I do since I have been conned out of a lot of money by other men. I just want to protect myself from being hurt again. You understand.
He texted back and said we’re done talking.
Busted!!!! Any caring emotionally healthy man would have nothing to hide and be impressed with my desire to protect myself.
Now I get it, Donna”¦ Now I know the reason. Now I know what to look for, what to hear, and when to run.
My ex cleverly regulated contact with me through use of his mobile phone, turning it off when convenient, replying or not replying to txt msgs when it suited him, or not replying altogether. Using a variety of excuses to cancel arrangements at short notice. Going AWOL. Strangely, when I first met him, he was punctual and reliable, but that soon slipped when he obviously felt he had won me over. Causing turbulence by hinting at indiscretions or bizarre statements that made me freak out and wonder what he was up to. Then after yet another break up, we got back together (in my mind for the last time) and I vowed that I would sit back and watch him closely. He behaved very well and consistently for the first month or so, he even bought me some gifts, and then his inconsistent behaviour came up, Looking back, I think he was grooming me. After a particularly painful break up, he sent me a txt, saying that after what we had been through and what I put up with, he realised what I was worth to him. When I read these words, I realised that I meant nothing to him, other than my worth (he was going to move into my house) and that he was obviously grooming me to get the best of both worlds, that I shelter him, whilst he messes around with other women and whatever else he gets up to (I hate to think, but have some ideas) and that I would be there for him (I did commit half way through – and he knew it) whilst he messes with my mind, emotions and life. When I looked into the future, all I could see with him, was a life of sadness, neglect and degredation – and I am worth much more than that.
Yeah well it’s the same words, actions and lies from different mouths.
They all think they are so original. Meanwhile my sisiter has an ex-husband and he is with another woman and he says the same things to her. “I don’t love her I just don’t want to be alone.”
This is exactly what my ex say to me. It’s strange. It’s like they read the same manual or something.
I wish I could find some motivation to love again.
Girls, I’ve been there too. Many crazy nights with cell phone turned off and on silent. Crazy stories that don’t add up, bizarre answers to normal questions, deceit, the sky is purple, yeah it’s purple when you’re looking at blue.
Anyway, you will love this one. I had had it one night, about 6 mos. of the crazy behavior and by this time I’d noticed that he was looking at other women to the point they’d notice him right in front of me. It was like a contest. Some sort of sicko game for the truly insecure…like “Look at me….I need attention.” And he would smile like a proud peacock right in front of me. Of course, he told me everyday how much he loved me, how much I rocked his world, how he never had anything so intense, blah, blah. (I kinda suspect that with psychos both can be true…. they can be madly in love with you and still want to seek out other women at the same time.)
Anyway, on 4th of July 2006, my psycho boyfriend invited me to a party with friends of his I never met before. I was uncomfortable because they had been doing some serious drinking before we arrived late. The friend’s girfriend was very affectionate to my boyfriend when we arrived. I noticed that her boyfriend was inside the house. When my boyfriend saw his friend and began talking, she (girlfriend) disappeard inside the house and avoided me. Weird.
Right before we left I watched him, with my two eyes, stare straight on into another girl’s face to get her attention (what is interesting is even though this girl was very attractive, she was interested in another guy and talking to him when my psycho pulled this stunt.) It is the psycho stare with both eyes that don’t blink. It isn’t sexy or cute; it’s domination. I was shocked. He was attracted to this single girl at the party and tried to get her attention with me standing on the other side of the room! I quickly said, I’m leaving (I drove). We got in the car and I said nothing. My blood boiled for 20 minutes on the way home.
When I got into my house I looked at him and said, “What in the hell where you doing? What was going on in that house with your friends that you haven’t seen since you’ve dated me? Why all the hugging with your friends girlfriend? Why did you stare down the single girl right under my nose?”
He denied it all. Said I imagined every bit of it; I am insecure. Said, “Why would I “come-on” to a woman with you right there? That doesn’t make sense.” He said he leaned forward to throw something in the trash and looked up. That’s when I lost it. He was not going to re-write my reality that night! At that moment, I took my fist and smacked him upside his head as hard as I could. Then I tackled him in my living room and called him every name I could think of. The last thing I remember is kicking him in the butt while he was in the floor. Ladies, I kicked the living shit out of that man. I went crazy. I told him to get the —- out of my house and not come back. He ran and grabbed his clothes and flew out of his house with scratches and welts and bruises on him.
Now, I don’t recommend violence. Please don’t do what I did. It was wrong and I could’ve gone to jail for it. But I didn’t. Interesting thing, he had bruises and scratches and he didn’t go to the police, nor did he call 911.
What I had was sweet satisfaction knowing for once in his life he got the crap beat out of him for setting me up, lying and God knows what all else went on. That’s what I hate about dating a socio. They are so degrading. No normal, caring individual would take you to a party with people you don’t know and do that. Most guys would go alone if they want to meet girls at a party. Not take their girlfriend. Socios think they can have it all and do it all. Well, this time, someone got a consequence that he’ll never forget!
I had the same done to me as well. My ex wanted to go to a market in London. When we arrived, he did his usual of wanting to spend time separately (he always did that) and meeting up an hour or so later. when I returned, slightly early to meet him, he was sitting in an outside cafe eating, but there was a young woman sitting near to him (not eating), for a moment I couldnt quite comprehend what I was seeing, – had he picked up someone in the market, had he arranged to meet someone, or was he trying to get lucky. I felt the distinct feeling I had intruded on something and when he saw me he was annoyed that I was slightly early. At that point the woman (who looked annoyed as well) walked off and I had to move out of the way for her to pass me, but she never looked at me which I thought was strange. In a state of disbelief and panic, i said I would come back at the agreed time, which was only 7 minutes later. When I came back he was gone and had gone out of the market. Whether he had gone to look for the woman I dont know. Up until this point, I had done quite abit of my own surveillence on him, because things didnt feel right, but I needed proof. When this situation happened at the market, I realised that I didnt need proof, that (a) i felt uncomfortable by his behaviour (b) even if I had imagined this scenario, it would probably be a taste of things to come. The next day or so, he kept his head down, didnt txt me, and I didnt txt him or reveal my thoughts to him. But as he had spent alot of money that week without being able to account for it, and I had previously found womens phone numbers on his phone, I decided to pull the plug and get rid of him once and for all, which I did a few days after. I did question him and I watched his reactions, all his answers were vague ‘who would I know in the market’ ‘I dont know how I spent that money-I dont keep receipts’. After I had terminated the relationship he told a friend of mine that he had finished the relationship, because I had accused him of meeting a prostitute – THESE WERE NOT MY WORDS! A few local friends of mine wont speak to me and he has cleverly sealed off people’s minds against me to prevent me talking to other people, so he has used them to isolate me. For a relatively short relationship, just over a year, he created absolute mayhem and madness in my life and I am so pleased that I finally got rid of him. Needless to say, he probably had someone else lined up.
I think that they know they create pain for themselves and their partners, but to insulate themselves against it, they set up a network of exit routes, whether these are potential lovers, or bizarre events to trip you off balance, undermine you, humiliate you. Until you realise the rules of THEIR GAME, you might be appealing to their better nature – like I did, trying to help them, being exhausted by them, whilst they expend a minimal amount of effort manipulating you – this was the bit that took me quite a long time to work out.
I totally understand your comments done12. I think they get a kick (like a drug) out of cooking up these events and then trying to make out you and I are paranoid – I was constantly told I was jealous and insecure. I watched and listened to him so intently – and he knew it – he wasnt stupid – that he used my focusing on him to wind me up – to manipulate – to show me that he could floor me with a bizarre comment. Sometimes he would tell me that gay men were coming onto him and that really freaked me out. One night a gay man hugged him in the pub – I just didnt know what to believe. My friends were running out of patience, the long phone calls I made to them to try and make sense of it all. A couple of my friends would cut the phone call short, as soon as I mentioned him. I started keeping a journal and a diary to see if there was a pattern to his behaviour, I became a detective and even thought of hiring one – how bizarre. The thing was he wasnt a nice person – i dont know what I saw in him – and I get annoyed with myself when I played it cautiously at the beginning and was given some bad red alerts. His last partner had accused him of an incident concerning her young daughter. I spoke to her but she was vague and he was annoyed when I told him. He always chose older strong women and usually mothers. I dont have any family, Im more or less on my own, and I am a kind and soft person, in a caretaking job, own my house, car etc. so I made a great target for him. He had moved around so much and had a CV which he wouldnt let me see, when I offered to retype it, because he had nearly 100 pages of jobs and he obviously wanted to hide leads to information that I might find. He cleverly told me (in a roundabout way) the bits he wanted me to know and cleverly left out the information he didnt want me to know. I chose to talk myself out of them and I let my defences down – felt sorry for him and his abused childhood. I have learnt so much about myself and him from this – it has changed me hugely. For him, it has probably CHANGED NOTHING. I often wonder how much other damage he has done to others and what he is cooking up now. He has a job where he can exploit others quite easily (he works in a building which is full of female staff in caretaking jobs. He has found the job hard, because he has been involved in all sorts of confrontations with other women in the job. Now I know the rules of his game, hopefully I will be more aware of others, how this will affect me in future relationships – I dont know. Yes of course, like you I wanted to kick his ass, but even when I sent him a ratty letter he threatened to get the police and a member of his family onto me. So much for the tough guy! I couldnt risk physical punishment and that isnt right for me, i will abide my time in the knowledge that all his goings on will bite HIM in the ASS in time to come – the sadness is that they never learn from it. It is sad to remember that they are lonely and want love, but their own skewed defences keep them locked in their behaviour.
In just over a year, this man created chaos in me and my life and he did it so insidiously in the background, none of it was done in the open, all by suggestion, hints. Although he has been gone out of my life for nearly 3 months, he is still in my head and the whole scenario has left me emotionally and physically exhausted. I never knew what a sociopath was until afterwards when I started looking at these websites, then the penny dropped about his behaviour, it all fitted together. He told me at the beginning he was cold hearted and dominating – he actually gave me quite alot of clues, but I didnt understand what it all added up to – I didnt understand the rules of the game he was so practised at. He is no doubt feathering his bed with his latest victim (He has had many short relationships – probably many more than he lets on) but the clever ones leave him early on when they realise what he is like. I am however left in my pain and turmoil to pick up the pieces. It is important for me to realise that I am valued in my own right and I am important and my life is important, I will however be more careful who I choose to share that with and will not share myelf 100 percent, like I foolishly did with hi.
The stories are all different, but so similar, the tactics are the same – the cunning manipulation, the distancing. What I have learnt from myself is that in the past I have thought I was being assertive – but I have not valued myself and my energy deeply enough. This scenario has brought me iback into the details and feelings about previous partners, my lack of boundaries, my cold unfeeling father, my estrangement from my brother, patterns in my own life. Through this painful process I can revisit the past and relook at it with a different perception. If our parents didnt value us as children, the lesson is to learn to become good parents to ourselves. Of course this involves getting in touch with those early feelings – the very opposite the sociopath wants to do. We can turn this to our advantage if we find the treasure in it. We can learn to value ourselves, become more discerning about how we guide our lives and the people we let into it – this will give us a natural shield against potential HIT MEN. And if it doesnt, then we learn again and again until we learn the lesson thoroughly.
Lastly, TRUST YOUR INTUITION EVEN IF YOU CANT MAKE SENSE OF WHAT IS HAPPENING. My young daughter had an extreme aversion to my ex the first time I introduced him to her. If he was in the house, she went out, if he slept over, she stayed out. She DIDNT NEED TO IDENTIFY WHY SHE DIDNT LIKE HIM, SHE TRUSTED AND WENT WITH HER INTUITION AND STAYED AWAY FROM HIM.
The worst part is getting older. Losing time. Losing youth. If you have an encounter like these while you’re young you’re resilient and can bounce back. Have one from 36-40 and forget it… the world just goes black. The wrinkles come on faster, the grey hairs pop up quicker…the health deteriorates faster, the motivation dries up sooner, and panic and depression set in as a way of life. The future looks bleak and I can say that… i don’t hope to be in another relationship anytime soon which for me is just wasting more time.
I want to go back in time and fix things. My 61 year old mother said to me the other day… I wish I could get my youth back. In 21 years, I will be her age if I make it… and saying the same things.
Money is the other issue… being 40 and broke and not motivated to get a real job is so depressing.
I am not sure how I let this moron drain me of my life…but the more I look around — the more I see that so many people are like this… why bother?
The prospect of being alone is very scary.
Ugh
Well I am in my mid 50s, my ex was alot younger than me and he is young enough to go out and catch other younger women easily enough as he did, problem is he probaby wont keep them for long. Since I got older, I attract more men than I ever did in my 20s, 30s, and I am talking about men in their late 30s and early 40s upwards. People are generally more attracted to people who have higher self esteem and confidence and certainly having a job, money and friends and feeling motivated to improve your life helps considerably. When I feel gloomy, its so easy to look at what is wrong. We all need things to look forward to. I get days when I wake up in the morning and cannot believe I allowed someone to con me like he did – it feels like a bad dream. But the worst IS over and I get days when I can just about get myself together to go to work and other days when I have more energy. When I first met him a year and a half ago, I was happyand in fine form – I WILL NEVER LET SOMEONE ROB ME OF THAT AGAIN.