Editor’s note: Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader.
I went on a date last night with a man I met on MillionaireMatch.com.
Looked great on paper. His photograph was so-so and I didn’t expect much.
We met at a restaurant and when he walked in I thought to myself, “Oh that’s not him; he’s too good looking.” Well it turned out to be him. We introduced, started talking and he teased me, and asked if I was buying dinner. That was my first red flag. Why would a proclaimed millionaire ask me to pay? I thought perhaps he was screening out gold diggers. We never left the bar nor had dinner, although he paid for an appetizer and drink.
He talked about his life including his sexual conquests with twin 24-year-old girls and he’s 45 like me. Why on earth would a normal, emotionally mature man talk about his three-way sex life with girls half his age on a first date? What did he think? I would be impressed with his virility? Red flag number 2.
Despite this, I see he has fallen in love with me and is ready to monogram the china. He talks about how I need to move closer, and what a good time we’re going to have. He tells me about how he is remodeling his house, and talks about the high-dollar materials, marble flooring, etc., that are going into the house.
He’s annoyingly hands-on and acts as if we are a item and tells me he feels as if he’s known me forever and how beautiful I am and how we’re perfect for each other, blah, blah, blah. Then he starts the manipulative web-spinning procedure and says things to me to create self-doubt in myself and make me feel as if I couldn’t possibly function without him. He told me I was compulsive but he would help me with my problems. Compulsive is the last damn thing I am. Now I’m starting to get creeped out.
He invites himself to my house Saturday night to sit in my hot tub. Red flag number 3. I said, “I want to see your house and all the new construction.” He says maybe the third date. I’m thinking, “What are you hiding?”
I look at my watch and say I must go home. We leave the restaurant. My car is parked out front because there was plenty of parking in the parking lot. In fact, my car was the only car in the parking lot and I asked him where his car was. He said he had it valeted and it was in the parking garage 2 blocks away. There was no valet at that restaurant. Red flag number 4. He must be driving a real piece of crap and if I were to see it, I would doubt the millionaire story.
This morning he calls me and leaves a message about how I missed spooning with him in the bed. My blood is now curdling.
I text him and said I was going to do a full search on him; it’s just something I do since I have been conned out of a lot of money by other men. I just want to protect myself from being hurt again. You understand.
He texted back and said we’re done talking.
Busted!!!! Any caring emotionally healthy man would have nothing to hide and be impressed with my desire to protect myself.
Now I get it, Donna”¦ Now I know the reason. Now I know what to look for, what to hear, and when to run.
I have had quite a few relationships in my time and in different ways they were all dysfunctional. But I truly know and believe that there are decent genuine and good men out there. I have put myself up for dating again, because why should I allow someone to take away my goodness and beauty when I can share with someone who really appreciates and respects it. I am one person who always like to help the ‘underdog’ but I wont be doing that in love anymore. A friend of mine who is really nice genuine spiritual woman married a scallywag who had drink problems but was over it when they met, she also like to help people. They got married and the first few years were ok, but he has flipped into his old behaviour and apart from some of his bleak behaviour has run up debts of £40,000 behind her back and her life is in a complete mess. I just wont let one person define my worth and I am going to get my energy back and get on with my life.
Well, I have so many things to say here, I don’t know where to begin. First, this is my first comments on this website and I am not even sure where to begin. I am also a man and, my first impression is that this blog has basically deemed every man on Millionaire match as a fraud and a sociopath. I beg to differ. I am on Millionaire match dot com. I am “certified” as the have in their site as a millionaire. That does not mean you have to be a millionaire. It does mean you have to have a decent W-2 or be a millionaire. BUT READ ABOUT THE SITE BEFORE YOU GO MAKING ASSUMPTIONS YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!
I am also “hidden” on that site so that only my favorites can actually see me. I do that so that I can filter out the people that I don’t think meet my expectations. There are gold diggers on that site, there are also women wanting green cards, normal women, millionaires, models, etc. Some winners some losers. However, rest assured, if you see a person on ANY site for 6 – 8 – 12 months, they are either on a REAL losing streak (which I think is NOT likely) or they are a serial dater. This is particularly true for people that APPEAR to have it together. I said PEOPLE – not MEN!!! So, this applies to evidently some of the commenters to this blog. Some of you are serial daters and you can’t stop, just like the men. Yes, I have dated some of them and they have the same expectations!
That brings me to another point. If you don’t think some men are going to be players, then you need to QUIT DATING!!! Men of all ages can be players. If you don’t think so, go buy Neil Strauss’s book “The Game”, or look up David DeAngelo, or read the Speed seduction or the Myster method websites. There are classes for all ages and all types that train men to be pick up artist….and SOME ARE REALLY GOOD and will have you conned in no time.
That being said, many women know the game already and many DON’T CARE. In fact, one of the things many women like to do is COMPLAIN that they are being victimized so they can look like the innocent victim, and then just continue to fall in the same trap. These women DISGUST me…. and it is obviously some of them are in the comments above.
So, why do some people join Millionaire Match rather than some other website? It doesn’t have to do with anything more than preference. I have gone out with some women from other sites and found that they did not know how to act in a high end social setting. Black tie events, they were like a fish out of water. I have found that “overall”, the 4 women I have filtered and dated on Millionare Match were 1) Not Millionaires, 2) knew how to act and dress in front of sopisticated clients, 3) were very compassionate about social causes, 4) were not driven by money. I have now been dating someone from that site for nearly two months and we have had a great relationship. However, the site compared to ANY other I have been to seem to have many nice people. However, it takes READING PROFILES, PHONE CONVERSATIONS, and CHECKING THEM OUT TO SOME DEGREE. Find out where they work. If you are really out for a millionaire, chances are you will find them being quoted on the web, or have a company profile. They are generally not going to be slotches. In my case, I have several published papers and my company profile speaks for itself.
However, you are stupid enough to not do your homework, you get what you deserve. Just because you met an idiot from the site, does not qualify every man on the site as a sociopath. It does not even mean that players are sociopaths. It is your choice on who you date. Don’t blame the site…..dont’t blame the guy…..go look in the mirror!
I had an encounter with a pyschopath in 2004. We were in a relationship and eventually were engaged for 9 months before he ditched me. I was glad that he did end our relationship (there was another girl involved) although at first I felt so devastated!
It was so true that psychopaths seem to have a ‘guide book’ or ‘manual’ to deliver their lines unto the victims.
When we first met, he used to tell everyone that he had met his soulmate, and he had never met anyone like me before. Well, those were the same lines he used when he met another girl (at that time we were still engaged and a wedding date had been set and preparation had been made as well).
My ex fiancee had turbulent relationship with both of his parents. He was an only child.
During our relationship, he had cheated on me several times with typical girls : flirtatious, rich, wild and high income earners.
He had never been truthful to me since the first time we met. He lied about his background, his parent’s jobs and he kept boasting about his ‘high income’ and his lavish lifestyle.
Eventually I found a debt letter sent by his landlord, he was on debt for 5000 Pounds and to my shock, I also found a false Social Security Number.
If anybody involved with one, I suggest you to get out of the relationship AS SOON AS POSSIBLE before it’s too late. DO NOT IGNORE THE RED FLAGS AND YOUR OWN INSTINCTS just like I did. I felt so regretful that I didn’t pay so much attention to them. And now I have wasted two years in my life, a great amount of money as well as my mental well being.
Psychopaths are people whom you should not be trusted at all.
I believe one day they will go into the hole they dug..
oh yes to all the above the comon denominators seem to be the mobile phones being on silent or havina a pin no, mine s path did this even when we first met so now i think he must of been sleeping around then even. still so many things i dont know about him or what he did while with me and i will never know. i think there is no way of knowing evrything about them there is too much. it hurts and its hard and age makes it harder. and i feel so stupid for going for ayounger man and he damaged me. but i had a thought tonight im going to hang onto i think revenge is getting on meeting an awsome man and i am going to go somewhere my ex s path can see my new real man and i am going to say i am so happy and youknow what i want you to be happy too cause it feels so good. i know they cant be happy for real but i would love to say that to him. the best revenge really is moving on and all the while i think they will be wondering what is she doing i haven t hear d from her ! well let him wonder i say.
The original post is an eye opener. I think by now, all of us know what to look for–we are wiser. I think the reason I fell for him was that I was not used to being around someone with NO Boundaries! I was naive and mistook his lack of boundaries for intimacy. This is just his MO–he uses these techniques everyday to ensnare more women. He gives them so much personal information, they feel they must be special to him. People at work now go to him for advise on repairing their relationships after affairs! He was very open that his marriage almost ended after he told her of an affair (of course he didn’t tell her about most of them, or the current one!) I was intoxicated by the relationship–all those endorphins flooding my brain, feeling newly in love. He casts a wide net, and quite regularly “catches” someone new who is craving all that exciting new intimacy. Of course she will be vulnerable and flawed in someway that he easily exploits. Soon after the game playing and petty lying will begin. After you’ve become additcted to his intoxicating words, he will become less communicative, and will not really answer your questions, making you crave it that much more–driving you crazy. You need to understand what happened–why if he loves you so much, he seems to be able to turn it on and off at will–to take it or leave it. His words never match his actions–then he does something so sweet and beautiful, you convince yourself you must have been wrong, you have over-reacted–you want to believe his lame excuses–they actually start to make sense to you.
I have learned so much from him. No one else can make me happy–happy is something I have to find within myself. I am forgiving myself–I am learning to be kinder with myself. I will recognize people without boundaries for what they are–I will learn to see all the red flags and remember to always trust my intuition–look what happened when I stopped trusting it!
Jules, it is funny that you have the same thought as I did today. I thought ‘it would really p..ss him off if I walked into the pub with a really nice man in tow – I embellished the fantasy further ‘it would be great if the man parked up his limo outside the pub and then we alighted as a happy couple’. My ex N was alot younger than me 13 years and I feel foolish as an older woman for being sucked in.
There was an advert around the UK which I have on the opening screen on my phones – ‘Believe in Better’.
I met mine on Match.com and she is till on it looking for new victims, i am nolonger on that site.
Wow, I can’t believe all the similarities to my situation. He came on so strong the first time I met him that it was almost creepy, and I had to ask him to back off. Once he backed off, he was a perfect gentlemen, though seemed genuinely taken by me and wanted to do everything for me. He was the perfect man for about a month, and I started falling really hard. That’s when the inconsistent behaviors started. Broken promises, being stood up, etc. It seemed he had really good explanations and stories for these things, and I had no reason not to believe him. He said he was getting of the army with a head injury (though you’d never know), so I figured some of his behaviors were due to that. When he became less and less available, he told me his “ex” wife was required by the army to move into his townhome to take care of him and drive him to appointments but that they were not together. Even though things started not adding up, I wanted so badly to believe him.
The last time I saw him face to face was on July 4th. He feared he was losing me because I had gone off alone on a camping trip to “think about things” that didn’t add up, and I stopped returning his calls before I left. So when he came up on the 4th, he told me everything I wanted to hear–that the divorce papers were coming through any day now (he claimed he had filed them through the army, which was a lie), that I was the most important person in his life, and that he was going to move to my town to be closer to me. We were intimate that night and I was completely in love with him. The entire seduction had taken about 2-1/2 months. He also said some of the same things to me that your sociopaths said to some of you: that I must really love him to put up with all the problems, and that I was a great and wonderful woman. He wanted to marry me and spend his life with me. That was his last act of kindness toward me!
The next day he stood me up, didn’t return my calls, and then I saw him posting on our mutual website as if nothing happened!!! When I wrote him on the site, he blew me off. 2 days later, he wanted to “work things out”. I couldn’t believe what I was reading!!!! It was right around that time I saw a picture he posted with his wedding ring on. I knew he was lying all along and broke contact with him. He still hangs out on that website, presumably playing women, so I left.
Before I realized what I was dealing with, I saw him at a reptile show on August 2nd. He followed me around like a puppy dog but never spoke to me. Still in denial, I imagined that he was still “in love” with me. However, a wise counselor made me realize it was just his way of asserting power over me. He wanted me to know he was there so I would think about him. I just ignored him.
Thank God, I had the wherewithall to turn him in to the army last week, where he will be disciplined for his adulterous relationship with me. I found out at the time that he is also playing the army and lying about his symptoms to get a medical discharge!!! The commander asked me if he walked with a limp and acted disoriented. I said “not at all”. So I may have screwed up his medical discharge, which was not intentional–just an added bonus. I really love it when players get busted and justice is served!!!!
Oops. Sorry that post was so long!!!
Stargazer! Wow! A rare moment of justice!
Thanks for sharing your story. My morning tea just got a little sweeter! YAY!