UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following post was submitted by the Lovefraud reader “Adelle.”
We often hear the saying, “If the shoe fits wear it.” We all know people are not referring to a shoe. In other words, if the description fits you, own up to it. If someone calls you a fool, and you think you are a fool, then wear that title! If someone calls you a hypocrite and you agree, wear it, you are a hypocrite.
But when this phrase is used, it isn’t usually given to you as an option. It is usually used as a weapon of accusation. With evil, with intent to hurt. For example, “Are you calling me a liar?” Response: “Well, if the shoe fits wear it.” The person hearing this phrase is usually on defense.
How many times have you been accused of something you didn’t want to receive? Accused of being a liar, a hypocrite, jealous, controlling and so on. You may have first thought, “I am not __________!” (YOU FILL IN THE BLANK.) You analyzed it because your accuser sounded convincing. “Well, maybe he/she is right, maybe I am controlling, abusive, jealous.”
When I first met my SP, one of the many lies he told me was that he was divorced and had one child. Far from the truth, which was: He was still married and had 3 children with the back then current wife (now divorced), this was his third marriage and he has a total of 7 or 8 kids, not all from these marriages.
As usual with SP’s, things weren’t making sense. Why did he never speak to this child or his ex in front of me? I started asking questions, looking for his ex on Facebook to confirm what he was saying. He was very private with his phone and I also questioned that.
I asked many questions and I asked in a kind manner. What did I get back? Accusations of being a jealous and controlling person!
If I asked anything, I was controlling, jealous, possessive and I was going against everything I preached. (I am a public speaker and I speak to girls about dating relationships.) No, I wasn’t! I had the right to ask; I was in a relationship with this person, or so I thought. After questioning myself many times, after things not making sense, I opted to end the relationship.
That was not about to happen, he wouldn’t have that.
I moved a total of 3 times trying to avoid the SP. He would never leave me alone, and I was always convinced that if I were the caring, compassionate person I claimed to be, then I would understand him and give him another chance.
If I spoke mean and ugly to him (which I did), I was told I was a mean and heartless woman!
The lies continued, porn on my laptop. I knew I hadn’t accessed it, but of course he denied he had. Once again, I was an accuser, a jealous, controlling woman! Many times I tried to end the relationship. I didn’t want to stick around and make sense out of nonsense! Then I was a “quitter;” I didn’t try hard enough!
I am not all those things HE called me! Those shoes don’t fit and I’m not going to wear them!
We’ve all worn uncomfortable shoes, shoes that didn’t fit, shoes that were given to us by our parents, by an ex dating partner. Shoes like, “You are never going to amount to anything!” Or, “You’re just like your mother.” Or, “You’re a jealous and controlling person.”
We walked around with these shoes for years in pain and in agony! We stumbled with those stupid shoes; we were crippled by those shoes that didn’t fit!
The beauty is that once we are out of this maze, we realize THEY are all the things they called us, those are their shoes. They don’t fit us and we don’t have to wear them.
I am a beautiful, giving, loving and trustworthy woman. These are my shoes and I wear them well! I now walk with a little pep in my step!
12 Seduction strategies from the Sociopath Playbook
Darwin’s mom,
very nice to hear a positive outcome. Does this mean you won’t be having that meeting with the spath manager? I’m a bit confused a now. Or does it mean that you will have it later, at your convenience?
Yes, it means I’ll have a meeting with the spath manager later at my convenience, but that the decision has already been made to keep me in the organisation, and I’m allowed to tourlead in the future… with extra coaching (and probably intermittent deadlines) for the preparation and planning of the trip. I also suspect they want to discuss what kind of trip I can tourlead before I would give my choices once I feel ready again for tourleading. So, I’ll be monitored in that regard (she said coaching, but I think it’ll be more like monitoring it)
My trips with tourists max 26 years old have always been a hit. Tourleading a country where I’ve been already could help as well. And I think for myself I’m best with nature trips in the tropics. So, I suspect they might argument to choose a trip along those lines.
I think that my assertive mail (plus me voluntarily going on hold) AND the feedback from the two coaches (they never doubted my ability) past Saturday turned the tide around.
I plan to go to as many weekends as I can for training of my choice and interest, get the reports finished by the deadline and have fun.
Amazing! Everytime I read a new post I say that’s me. That is exactly what was going on in my relationship. Pre LF I would become defensive which would accelerated the fight to physical abuse and me leaving, making room for the “party girls”. Any verbal reply would have been an invitation to assault me. I just thought – if the shoe does not fit, it’s not my shoe. I was always prepared for an emergency exit.
Oh yes, amazing how it all has the same fibers running through it; isn’t it? What’s with that?!
I am in the midst of being love bombed and then ignored and then love bombed some more and then pity ploy and then more pity ploy and you know what? “I” don’t care. I really don’t.
The past 8 (almost 9 soon) months of NC has given me so much freedom. The freedom to find myself again and I ain’t letting ME go for nothing no more. I am happy we aren’t married nor never have been, I am also happy we never had living children together. I have made a decision and a strong and firm choice, many months ago, that I was going to keep this madness at bay and have no further part of it. So, I just stopped participating.
I informed my so called compassionate stalker that if he was going to attempt playing me, he should just silence himself and move further away. Once again, I said all of those things I felt needed to be said. “I love you so much and I miss you so much!” Yah, right…
After lengthy explanation on his behalf, he is in need of legal expertise and just like I thought: had a purpose for me. Not one time was I ever asked “how I was”. Not once.
NOTHING has changed. NOTHING.
Ox, I repeated a line to “IT” that you had told me once…
“It wasn’t the lies and deceptions that hurt the worse, it was that now I can no longer trust you.” Yes, I told him that line. He is learning to move away and I am so glad.
Yah, so I broke NC.
It gave me a validation that YES, I am ABSOLUTELY making all the right choices and decisions. I would advise anyone in my position, GO NO CONTACT and MOVE AWAY FROM THE SPATH. As far away as you possibly can get. Because it never changes. The only thing that changes is YOURSELF. I am stealthed, I found, against all these things you wonderful LoveFrauder’s have taught me along the way. YAY!
I am fine and getting finer by the moment.
Dupey
{I can already feel the bumps on my head from
Ox’s iron skillet!}
Dupey, I would have let you ride, because you said that you now know that NO CONTACT is the only way to go…but you said “I can already feel the bumps on my head” so I guess I HAVE TO DO IT! BOINK!!! BOINK!!!! Now you go NC and STAY NC! What were you thinking for goodness sakes? WHAT?????
Now you get fine and finer by the moment, each moment NC is what makes you finer! (((hugs)))
Thanks for the bumps Ox.
But I learned a lot. It was very validating to hear more of the same old pigeon excrement. Just more of the same. All the red flags I SHOULD have seen in the beginning are now flashing neon lights. hahahaha
I am going to be just fine. Seriously.
I mean every word I have ever said and still do.
NO CONTACT “IS” the only way to go. I needed to know status.
That’s why. It’s been coming on for a couple weeks…our talking. There were things that needed to be said, still. I said them. I am empowered, completely and he has resigned to that fact, quite unhappily. That is fine. I just am not living that way. Period. “No hard feelings; adios…wish you well..”
Thanks Ox for your support.
I am finding myself again. That 8-1/2 months was good for me. DEFINITELY. I found myself again. I gave myself up the moment I let “IT” enter my life in the first place….
I am not devastated anymore; I am empowered.
He can NOT have what is left; the rest is mine!
xxoo
Good girl Dupey, now go get you an ASA and an ice pack (((hugs))) I’m glad you’re gonna be okay!
Yah, thanks, Ox, my feet are starting to slam down real hard now. I stood up to him and his love bombing today and well, he is now homeless on top of it all. Imagine that. Like I told him: “Shouldn’t be too difficult to pick someone up tonight off the internet, before it gets too late, hm? I mean, we both know you aren’t fussy about who you sleep with.” I was NOT very nice at all.
Never to worry; I am empowered and in touch with myself now and in no mood for any more bull***p. 🙂 *BIG HUGS BACK*
Pray for me….one minute he loves you and the next he is trying to cut your face off….I have LOTS of protection and I am going to be JUST FINE NOW. JUST FINE. wahooo! TOWANDA!!!!
“I” have control!!!! WAHOOOOO!!!!
PS: My therapist is going to LOVE hearing THIS!
I see them tomorrow….
TOWANDA!!!
Dupey,
you said, “we both know you aren’t fussy about who you sleep with.”
Bwahahahahhahaha!
exxxcccellent! I love that you said that. If you’re going to break NC, at least get some good jabs in there while you’re at it! LOL!
Call him back tomorrow and say you want to play a guessing game about who he slept with. Ask him, “was it animal, vegetable or mineral? Was it bigger than a breadbox?”
ROTFLMAO.