Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Greenfern.” It is a classic story of sociopathic seduction.
When I first met the S, I was very young, 22, and in a pretty bad spot. I come from a broken, abusive family and I have been pretty much on my own since 16. I was managing by putting myself through college, working full time, step by step. A year before I met the S, I was hit by a car and the recovery from that sent me into a depression and hardship. I had no family support or insurance, so I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and tried not falling behind. I felt alone and struggling, but managed. I feel like I was a strong young person considering the circumstances.
Then the S appeared in my life. He was my TA at school. As it turns out he later told me that he had been observing me for over a year, but I was acting “stand offish” and “unapproachable” so he had difficulties getting to know me. So I guess when I hit the bottom after my accident I have become more approachable in his eyes and he pursued me.
Constant care and attention
He courted me very intensely, I felt off guard, like a deer in the headlight. He came across as this very dignified, old fashioned (he was only 28) gentleman with strong interest in my background. He kept asking if I needed help in my school work and brought me sandwiches and kept coming and coming at me. I felt strange, but I was flattered by the constant care and attention. Inside myself I felt weird, it did not feel right. But then I dismissed my own discomfort. I told myself “maybe I just need to relax and accept the attention and kindness”. I think at the time I have isolated myself from people and had little trust in myself being liked for who I was.
Read more: Dating a sociopath? Spot the red flags of love fraud
I told myself that maybe it was time to open up to people and receive. The problem with this was that I made the wrong choice of person to open up to.
He kept pursuing me harder, showering me with gifts and sweet little notes. He even branded my name into his arm. That should have been a big red flag. In fact when he showed me my name burned into his skin, I felt physically ill to my stomach and had a rising panic within me.
He wanted to hang out at all times. I felt like I had no time to myself at all. I kept telling him that I needed to do stuff on my own, but he replied to that by asking if he could come over after I do that thing. He wore me down with persistence and I did not say no. I did not know how to say no.
Phony clowns and bozos
Before I knew it, we were hanging out all the time. He told me about his problems with his parents, he made preachy speeches about the phoniness and hypocrisy of the world. He told me that now it’s us against the world and to “f___ the phony clowns and bozos of the world.” He convinced me to let him shave my head for a home movie. He told me that I was a mess and he will take care of me. He had me help him with his projects, including these films where he dressed me up as a boy wearing leg braces. He would pretty much decide when to eat and sleep. Many times I wanted to sleep at night, but he was asking for more.
In the same time he put me on this special pedestal, told me that I was the one for him and that I made him a better man. He said I was very special, he loved me, I was his best friend. He said we were meant for each other. He always asked if I was “the one” for him. I just could not say yes. I think this made him angry, but he would not say.
Completely suffocated
We moved in together, I have cut off my friends and social life. The S and I were doing EVERYTHING together. I felt completely suffocated, yet I could not even be clear to myself as to what was wrong exactly. I would have crying spells and could not put in words what was wrong. He delivered these little pep-talks about being strong and not caring about what the world says.
He took over many things in the household. Even though I was perfectly capable of doing those things, I have always managed previous to meeting the S. When I would do these things, he always made me feel like he could do them better; he would take them out of my hand. Slowly but surely he would be doing all these “favors” then make me feel like I owed him. He got mad at me because I did not say “I love you” enough in response to his million “I love yous” during the week. I did not love him. I dreamed of some miracle happening, so I could get away out of the relationship. I had fantasies of him just going away. The idea of me ending the relationship filled me with dread, dread to his response. I felt like I owed to him to stay with him. He always said “I saved you, you were a mess when I met you” then following it up with “I love you”.
He would go through the garbage to see what I was doing on my day off and I am pretty sure he was monitoring me, even though I have no proof. He grew marijuana and collected toy guns in his special room. He also hoarded his own urine in soda bottles. According to him, he was too busy with his projects to go to the bathroom. Gradually he has become too busy with his art projects to have time for me. He stopped initiating sex. When I wanted to talk to him about the sex issue, he shot it down with “sex is WAAAAY over-rated” or “what do you want me to do about it?”
I wanted to feel the way he made me feel in the beginning, but I did not understand why he took me off the pedestal. In the beginning he would want to have sex multiple times a day, but now he did not even want to hear about it at all. I did not understand what happened.
More and more criticism
At this time he started criticize me on small things. For instance on my grammar. English is not my first language, so I felt sensitive to the issue. He said I was sloppy in my language.
Then more and more criticism has arrived, and he has become more and more withdrawn, physically and emotionally. He refused to have any discussions about the relationship. He said I was the one who had a problem with the relationship. He also told me that his friends were surprised that he did not have a younger and prettier girlfriend.
I think what was the beginning of the end is that I got a good job that I liked, made me feel good. I think it really gave me confidence to stand up for myself more. I started pointing out some of his BS, yet I was not feeling strong enough to break up with him, even though I wanted to.
Bringing home a drunken girl
On our 7th year anniversary night he told me he would be home by 8 pm, so we could spend some time together. He came home at 4 am with a drunk girl, laughing. The girl was one of his students. He was offended that I thought that there was anything weird about the situation. I was livid. I felt like my world collapsed. He showed up with flowers the next day.
Then not much after that, we had a Thanksgiving party where he acted like a total ass. Then he broke up with me the next day.
He was was unfazed and calm. He combed through all of our stuff to make sure he took everything he felt a right to. He went about with complete calmness, purchasing new bedsheets for his new place. Completely cold. He told me that he was now seeing a therapist and he thinks he is pretty depressed. For the last 3 years I was BEGGING him to see a therapist. He would not even talk about it. But I think this was just an act. Later I found out that he was cheating on me for the last year and a half with the woman he married not much after we split up.
I have been in therapy for a while now. I realize that those years I lived in a complete lie and I chose to be blind to it. My task is to recognize that blind spot and protect myself from Sociopaths like him. I’m a work in progress.
Please if you are out there involved with a sociopath, trust your intuition!
Lovefraud originally posted this letter on Jan. 26, 2009.
Child abuse is America’s biggest public health crisis, and if you had a sociopathic parent, it could explain what happened to you
Yes I have to go to the doctor and have my cervix scraped, it feels great! Not really its really awful. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, it is nasty. Oh the gifts the S has lavished upon me. Why on earth would I ever wish that his penis would fall off and be immediately devoured by a pack of wolves destroying all hope for re-attatchment. I don’t know.
Eliza,
My foreign lover was the S! Apparently he wanted a green card and a good credit rating, and he got both courtesy of me. Bummer. I know (hope) your kidding, but it would be a good comeback to tell your S you have one. psych!
Oh and I forgot, he denied giving me or the other girl HPV. He said he was tested and was negative. WELL GUESS WHAT? I surprised him with the information that men cannot be tested for HPV. There is no test for it in males. He responded by telling me I was mentally unstable. And FYI to everyone out there, you can contract HPV even if you are being responsible and using a condom, it is from skin contact. It is NASTY NASTY business.
I am totally kidding egirl! Just being silly because it feels good. I am a really silly person, and the year has taken some of that away, I am really quite good at it. I find myself a bit rusty after all the sadness. What a shame, that your foreign lover was an S. He is a disgrace!!!
Eliza,
I am at 6 months N/C and still have very weak moments/days.. I know for a fact my X-S is gone for good because he basically was threatened with losing his job if they found out about the sick and perverse text messages he sent to my daughter and myself when his mask slipped for the final time… (he had prior problems they were aware of with women and his hair-trigger temper…) No Contact is the only closure we get, but it really is enough….It means we are completely done with thier sorry, fake ass ..Remember they don’t have any real feelings so they will never truly be sorry or regretful or feel any of those things that us humans can feel..God Bless..
INDY… Glad your back in da house!!!!
Eliza, I am a retired nurse practitioner and I taught STD info and sexual health to college students at one point in my career, and ther eare 18 cases of various STDs off the top of my head that I can think of that a condom doesn’t even slow down.
One of the “one liners” I used to use to get my point across was:
“What’s the difference in herpes and TRUE LOVE?”
Answer: HERPES IS FOREVER!
“What do they call people who use condoms for birth control?”
Answer: PARENTS! (If it is only 90% effective in preventing preg and a woman is only fertile 2-3 days a month, what do you think the effectiveness for disease prevention is? NOT GOOD!)
Yep, I’m an “old foogy” and an “old prude,” but you know, sex today is like Russian Roulette with 2-3 of the barrels loaded. My best advice is to keep your leg crossed ladies and keep yer zipper zipped guys! Until you get checked out, and have them checked out FIRST. LOL
I haven’t had many sexual partners and have always considered myself a bit of a prude, not really sleeping around. And here I am with STD issues anyway, thanks to the S. It is horrible and embarrassing. I hate him.
Stormee,
I am just hoping the weak moments and days get fewer and farther between. I just keep envisioning him enjoying watching me suffer, because he truly is that sadistic, he wants me to suffer in knowing that he cares nothing for me. He loves observing peoples reactions, I know now that is because he does not experience them, it truly does fascinate him.
For Eliza and others who are in so much pain, I would like to give you some hope. It is such a painful process. The pain sometimes feels insurmountable. But there comes a point when you have gotten to the bottom of it, and there are no more tears to shed. Or rather, what happened for me is that there were no more tears to shed FOR HIM. They mutated into tears for many other losses in my life, especially over the lack of love of my parents. When this happened, I knew the process was about my life and no longer about what he did to me. It was the beginning of taking back power from him. The pain was no longer about him. Once you have your last big cry over the S, you will start to detach from him. You are obsessing and missing him because you are grieving. Grieving is a process, and it DOES end. You have very strong feelings. It’s necessary to feel all of these feelings. They come up slowly over time because if you felt them all at once you would be totally overwhelmed. But if you just feel them deeply and breathe into them, they will eventually pass.
For me, the only actual “closure” I had with my ex was to send him an email telling him that the karma he was about to experience was far worse than anything I could say to him. (I never raged at him). When he continued to ask if we could “work things out”, I simply replied that if I ever heard from him again or saw him posting on our mutual website, I would turn him in to the army for adultery. He continued to post on the website, so I turned him in, and his case is pending punishment. I didn’t even know the extent of his deceit when I broke up with him. I found out later, and never let him know my feelings. I pretty much sized him up after the last no-show. I decided that this was someone who obviously is not going to care about my feelings. If he cared, he wouldn’t have hurt me so much to begin with. I “got” it pretty quickly and made the break from him. It was very clear by my communications that I would not tolerate any more contact from him. In some cases, if you are strong in this communication, the S will get that you’re done playing games and move on to the next victim.
I made the decision after a short time that I could never see or speak to him again. I didn’t need this site to tell me. Once I realized how f***cked up he was, I just knew. But it took a lot longer for my heart to agree with that decision. I missed him terribly and longed for him. I fantasized about him and pined all day for weeks, even months. I second-guessed myself. I bargained….”Maybe he’s not really a sociopath. Maybe……..) Please believe me when I tell you that THIS WILL ALL EVENTUALLY PASS.
I had never dated an actually sociopath until this guy. And I will tell you he messed with the wrong person. When I asked him not to contact me again, he tested my resolve only one time. He showed up at a public event where he knew I would be, and he followed me around like a puppy dog. He basically stalked me! I so wanted to fall into his arms and fall apart. But a wise counselor told me it was a power play to see if he still had power over me. I never waivered. I totally ignored him and acted like he didn’t exist. I laughed and had a good time with my friend. I went home and fell apart. And he never tried to bother me again. This is what is meant by NO CONTACT. He never saw me falling apart. And it’s none of his business. I figured he got 2-1/2 months of my time. I was not going to give his sorry ass one more minute!
This is what your S’s are doing by contacting you. It is a power play to see if they still have power over you. If you respond, then you are perpetuating their game. You can be falling apart inside. But DON’T give them ANY power. Don’t play their games with them. They are only playing games with you because they know they can. They know you are vulnerable. Don’t let them do it. They are horrible people and will eat you alive if you give them one crumb of your attention.