Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Greenfern.” It is a classic story of sociopathic seduction.
When I first met the S, I was very young, 22, and in a pretty bad spot. I come from a broken, abusive family and I have been pretty much on my own since 16. I was managing by putting myself through college, working full time, step by step. A year before I met the S, I was hit by a car and the recovery from that sent me into a depression and hardship. I had no family support or insurance, so I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and tried not falling behind. I felt alone and struggling, but managed. I feel like I was a strong young person considering the circumstances.
Then the S appeared in my life. He was my TA at school. As it turns out he later told me that he had been observing me for over a year, but I was acting “stand offish” and “unapproachable” so he had difficulties getting to know me. So I guess when I hit the bottom after my accident I have become more approachable in his eyes and he pursued me.
Constant care and attention
He courted me very intensely, I felt off guard, like a deer in the headlight. He came across as this very dignified, old fashioned (he was only 28) gentleman with strong interest in my background. He kept asking if I needed help in my school work and brought me sandwiches and kept coming and coming at me. I felt strange, but I was flattered by the constant care and attention. Inside myself I felt weird, it did not feel right. But then I dismissed my own discomfort. I told myself “maybe I just need to relax and accept the attention and kindness”. I think at the time I have isolated myself from people and had little trust in myself being liked for who I was.
Read more: Dating a sociopath? Spot the red flags of love fraud
I told myself that maybe it was time to open up to people and receive. The problem with this was that I made the wrong choice of person to open up to.
He kept pursuing me harder, showering me with gifts and sweet little notes. He even branded my name into his arm. That should have been a big red flag. In fact when he showed me my name burned into his skin, I felt physically ill to my stomach and had a rising panic within me.
He wanted to hang out at all times. I felt like I had no time to myself at all. I kept telling him that I needed to do stuff on my own, but he replied to that by asking if he could come over after I do that thing. He wore me down with persistence and I did not say no. I did not know how to say no.
Phony clowns and bozos
Before I knew it, we were hanging out all the time. He told me about his problems with his parents, he made preachy speeches about the phoniness and hypocrisy of the world. He told me that now it’s us against the world and to “f___ the phony clowns and bozos of the world.” He convinced me to let him shave my head for a home movie. He told me that I was a mess and he will take care of me. He had me help him with his projects, including these films where he dressed me up as a boy wearing leg braces. He would pretty much decide when to eat and sleep. Many times I wanted to sleep at night, but he was asking for more.
In the same time he put me on this special pedestal, told me that I was the one for him and that I made him a better man. He said I was very special, he loved me, I was his best friend. He said we were meant for each other. He always asked if I was “the one” for him. I just could not say yes. I think this made him angry, but he would not say.
Completely suffocated
We moved in together, I have cut off my friends and social life. The S and I were doing EVERYTHING together. I felt completely suffocated, yet I could not even be clear to myself as to what was wrong exactly. I would have crying spells and could not put in words what was wrong. He delivered these little pep-talks about being strong and not caring about what the world says.
He took over many things in the household. Even though I was perfectly capable of doing those things, I have always managed previous to meeting the S. When I would do these things, he always made me feel like he could do them better; he would take them out of my hand. Slowly but surely he would be doing all these “favors” then make me feel like I owed him. He got mad at me because I did not say “I love you” enough in response to his million “I love yous” during the week. I did not love him. I dreamed of some miracle happening, so I could get away out of the relationship. I had fantasies of him just going away. The idea of me ending the relationship filled me with dread, dread to his response. I felt like I owed to him to stay with him. He always said “I saved you, you were a mess when I met you” then following it up with “I love you”.
He would go through the garbage to see what I was doing on my day off and I am pretty sure he was monitoring me, even though I have no proof. He grew marijuana and collected toy guns in his special room. He also hoarded his own urine in soda bottles. According to him, he was too busy with his projects to go to the bathroom. Gradually he has become too busy with his art projects to have time for me. He stopped initiating sex. When I wanted to talk to him about the sex issue, he shot it down with “sex is WAAAAY over-rated” or “what do you want me to do about it?”
I wanted to feel the way he made me feel in the beginning, but I did not understand why he took me off the pedestal. In the beginning he would want to have sex multiple times a day, but now he did not even want to hear about it at all. I did not understand what happened.
More and more criticism
At this time he started criticize me on small things. For instance on my grammar. English is not my first language, so I felt sensitive to the issue. He said I was sloppy in my language.
Then more and more criticism has arrived, and he has become more and more withdrawn, physically and emotionally. He refused to have any discussions about the relationship. He said I was the one who had a problem with the relationship. He also told me that his friends were surprised that he did not have a younger and prettier girlfriend.
I think what was the beginning of the end is that I got a good job that I liked, made me feel good. I think it really gave me confidence to stand up for myself more. I started pointing out some of his BS, yet I was not feeling strong enough to break up with him, even though I wanted to.
Bringing home a drunken girl
On our 7th year anniversary night he told me he would be home by 8 pm, so we could spend some time together. He came home at 4 am with a drunk girl, laughing. The girl was one of his students. He was offended that I thought that there was anything weird about the situation. I was livid. I felt like my world collapsed. He showed up with flowers the next day.
Then not much after that, we had a Thanksgiving party where he acted like a total ass. Then he broke up with me the next day.
He was was unfazed and calm. He combed through all of our stuff to make sure he took everything he felt a right to. He went about with complete calmness, purchasing new bedsheets for his new place. Completely cold. He told me that he was now seeing a therapist and he thinks he is pretty depressed. For the last 3 years I was BEGGING him to see a therapist. He would not even talk about it. But I think this was just an act. Later I found out that he was cheating on me for the last year and a half with the woman he married not much after we split up.
I have been in therapy for a while now. I realize that those years I lived in a complete lie and I chose to be blind to it. My task is to recognize that blind spot and protect myself from Sociopaths like him. I’m a work in progress.
Please if you are out there involved with a sociopath, trust your intuition!
Lovefraud originally posted this letter on Jan. 26, 2009.
Child abuse is America’s biggest public health crisis, and if you had a sociopathic parent, it could explain what happened to you
Good afternoon LF friends,
I feel sad, too, about giving up some of my last years of fertility to the ex S (only year with him, but a subsequent year in emotional hell and certainly unable to even start a relationship). I am glad that I didn’t have a baby with him because if I did – I’d probably have a sociopath on my hands (if it were a boy), and I certainly would have a child with an absent (hopefully) or terribly troubled father. My ex S had no problem, whatsoever, exposing his kids to all sorts of trauma. He didn’t care a bit about them – though at times he seemed to be doting on them, though it was always when he was in the mood to do so. Anyway – his kids are guaranteed to be screwed up (there were significant signs already) and any child I’d have with him would have been in for a hell of a life. I would have spent all my time in court trying to get full custody, and my ex, who incredibly has no criminal record, would not have allowed this to happen. And he would have taken our child and exposed him to horrors. Oh God, I’m so relieved that we didn’t have a baby.
I am fighting the urge to send him a “f–k you” email in which I tell him off at brutal length and excrutiating detail. I just got off the phone with my mother, and though normally she doesn’t want to hear a thing about him or my life with him….she was somewhat empathetic and patient with me when I told her that sometimes I feel lonely and sad about what he did to me. She has never said this before, but she said that she was utterly shocked that a person could do what he did to me. She didn’t think it was possible that someone could be that cruel.
Some how getting that empathy and understanding from her has made me even more enraged at him. If only I had the kind of support all along, maybe I would have gotten more appropriately angry at the time.
Anyway – I want to write to him and tell him what a loser he is and how I found out about 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,….. things he did and uncovered all kinds of lies. I want to tell him what a bleeping a**hole he is and how he never deserved me, and that he is a monster, and blah blah blah.
Remind me why I shouldn’t do this? I want to tell the m–her f–ker off in a way that I should have long ago.
HH:
top 10 reasons you shouldn’t do it:
1) he just wouldn’t care. they have no remorse.
2) he won’t get it. you could explain all the horrific things he did in detail and he’ll either deny it or blame you.
3) he’s already moved on. they flow from one woman to the next like water flows out of a faucet.
4) he’ll hook you back in with one word.
5) anything he says will make you feel worse than you already do.
6) if you break No Contact … HE WINS!
7) he’ll think you still love him.
8) he doesn’t care that he’s a m-er f-er; he gets off on it.
9) you’re too good to stoop to his level
10) you have better things to do!
now, here’s what you CAN do: write that letter in all its raging glory. then print it out, go outside and burn it. the breeze will carry the bad energy away from you and dissipate it, but you will be unscathed and free of the anger.
i know what you’re feeling. when my spath-hole called last week i wanted to call him back and eviscerate him with my words. but i’m a few days shy of 6 months with NC and he’s calling me every two months or so to say, ”look, i really need to ask you about something.” so there he is reaching out into emptiness and i’m feeling very empowered that I was the one who was strong enough to stay away!
i’m sure not saying it’s easy. when i saw him from afar a few weeks ago, all i wanted to do was run to him and bury my face in his chest and have his arms around me. i cried for three days, but i did nothing, and the feelings passed.
stay strong, sistah. he’s not worth knowing for ONE second that he still has a hook in you. it will only give him power, something every spath can do without.
Wow LIG! Thank you! That’s some list, and correct on all counts!
That’s more helpful than you know!
Number 7 concerns me – that if I contact him he’ll think that I’ll still love him. Do I still love him? I feel like I hate him and am repulsed by him…..but maybe I still love him, too.
Is that possible? Or am I just bonded and attached through all the drama and the great first three months of sex an romance?
well, i’m not sure what these residual feelings are.
i don’t love him; i HATE him. but then why am i so sad to lose him … even still. it’s because he made himself my entire world through his web and lies and manipulation. in the end, he was all i had; he made sure of that!
the bonding is that disease — stockholm syndrome — where victims bond to their abusers and defend them.
it’s all an illusion. they’re not real and either is what they created. we are still mesmerized by a facade so thick it’ll barely crack even when we pound it for months with a freakin’ sledge hammer.
we still love what we THOUGHT they were.
nothing more … and LOTS less.
Hey Healing Heart:
Must be the weekend to want to retaliate in writing. I sure did after I got a letter from S on Friday (at work) with a follow-up copy at home yesteday in response to my collection letters.
His letter is a definite candidate for the Sociopath Hall of Fame.
I was so enranged I wrote a response just like the one you wanted to.
Then I reread his letter. In the middle of all the sociopath-speak was the reward that comes to those of us who wait — he admitted in writing to exactly what I wanted him to.
The idiot thinks he dodged a bullet. I’m about to unleash a machine gun on him. And it’s all business, strictly business.
I realized by not responding to his nonsense I’m dishing out a better punishment. If I responded on his level — totally nasty, telling him exactly what I thought of him, etc, it would fall on deaf ears. And I’d still be frustrated.
What’s that old saying? Oh, yeah. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
also, they’re just a tornado of drama and words and sex and seduction and activity. i always use the visual of a shiny disco ball. that’s what mine was. a fascinating, amazing, animated creature that had me sitting on the edge of my seat watching it all play out.
only after the crash did i realize that the vortex i was in was lined with nails and shit and shards of glass. walked out of that ride dizzy and bleeding — inside and out.
it takes time to recover.
damn lunatics.
matt:
may i offer a round of ammo for that machine gun!?
virtual, of course!
lostingrief:
Praise the Lord and pass the amunition!
I’m in the midst of writing an article on this whole thing, which I hope will be useful to everyone who has been screwed by these non-human vehicles of discord.
Personally, I would pay big money to be there to see his reaction when he finds out what I’ve got in store for him. I guess I’ll just have to be happy with whatever nasty letters or phone calls he chooses to direct at me — and if I don’t get any of those, I pretty much know how he’ll react to my winning.
You guys are so helpful, thank you. I hate that I still have strong feelings for him, whatever they are. And for some reason, I am very resentful that he probably has a lot of his ex-girlfriend/victims still flying around him like moths to a flame. I don’t know why that bothers me – I guess I wish he would be punished for his bad deeds rather than just building his harem with each woman he abuses, discards, and then picks up as a booty call. He was seriously shocked that I wouldn’t agree to a part-time relationship with him. He seemed totally, and utterly befuddled that I would not agree to see him once or twice a week for sex. So many of his exes have gladly taken whatever bone he would throw to them. It’s almost like he gets rewarded for treating women so badly by just building and building his harem.
Matt – I’m glad yours is going to answer to you legally. My ex S and I had some joint property (possessions we bought for “our” house worth many many thousands of dollars) which he kept threatening to “take back” after I threw him out. We would have multiple emails back and forth about it. He would say “take it” and then later say “no, I want it back.” I consulted a lawyer who gave me some advice, and then coaxed the ex S to spell out “this is my final word and I will never revisit this – you can keep the furniture.” He was surprisingly easy to manipulate into doing this. I think he was just so stupid and arrogant and impulsive, and so used to not having to answer for anything he had done – when I later pointed out to him that what he had clearly articulated in an email…would stand up in court, he was stunned. But he had very specifically spelled it all out. I got him to use specifical legal terms, too. I “coached” him right through signing away everything to me. He didn’t hesitate in the slightest. He just didn’t think he would ever have to answer for anything he had done.
Out of just being a kind person, I did give him some of the stuff – even though I didn’t need to. Which he gladly took. Now I wish I hadn’t. Knowing now how horrific he was, I wish I had kept it all. Then again, some of it does remind me of him, which pisses me off.
I wish I didn’t care about any of this. I look forward to him just being the “bit player” K, Hawk, says he will eventually be. And I believe he will be.