Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Greenfern.” It is a classic story of sociopathic seduction.
When I first met the S, I was very young, 22, and in a pretty bad spot. I come from a broken, abusive family and I have been pretty much on my own since 16. I was managing by putting myself through college, working full time, step by step. A year before I met the S, I was hit by a car and the recovery from that sent me into a depression and hardship. I had no family support or insurance, so I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and tried not falling behind. I felt alone and struggling, but managed. I feel like I was a strong young person considering the circumstances.
Then the S appeared in my life. He was my TA at school. As it turns out he later told me that he had been observing me for over a year, but I was acting “stand offish” and “unapproachable” so he had difficulties getting to know me. So I guess when I hit the bottom after my accident I have become more approachable in his eyes and he pursued me.
Constant care and attention
He courted me very intensely, I felt off guard, like a deer in the headlight. He came across as this very dignified, old fashioned (he was only 28) gentleman with strong interest in my background. He kept asking if I needed help in my school work and brought me sandwiches and kept coming and coming at me. I felt strange, but I was flattered by the constant care and attention. Inside myself I felt weird, it did not feel right. But then I dismissed my own discomfort. I told myself “maybe I just need to relax and accept the attention and kindness”. I think at the time I have isolated myself from people and had little trust in myself being liked for who I was.
Read more: Dating a sociopath? Spot the red flags of love fraud
I told myself that maybe it was time to open up to people and receive. The problem with this was that I made the wrong choice of person to open up to.
He kept pursuing me harder, showering me with gifts and sweet little notes. He even branded my name into his arm. That should have been a big red flag. In fact when he showed me my name burned into his skin, I felt physically ill to my stomach and had a rising panic within me.
He wanted to hang out at all times. I felt like I had no time to myself at all. I kept telling him that I needed to do stuff on my own, but he replied to that by asking if he could come over after I do that thing. He wore me down with persistence and I did not say no. I did not know how to say no.
Phony clowns and bozos
Before I knew it, we were hanging out all the time. He told me about his problems with his parents, he made preachy speeches about the phoniness and hypocrisy of the world. He told me that now it’s us against the world and to “f___ the phony clowns and bozos of the world.” He convinced me to let him shave my head for a home movie. He told me that I was a mess and he will take care of me. He had me help him with his projects, including these films where he dressed me up as a boy wearing leg braces. He would pretty much decide when to eat and sleep. Many times I wanted to sleep at night, but he was asking for more.
In the same time he put me on this special pedestal, told me that I was the one for him and that I made him a better man. He said I was very special, he loved me, I was his best friend. He said we were meant for each other. He always asked if I was “the one” for him. I just could not say yes. I think this made him angry, but he would not say.
Completely suffocated
We moved in together, I have cut off my friends and social life. The S and I were doing EVERYTHING together. I felt completely suffocated, yet I could not even be clear to myself as to what was wrong exactly. I would have crying spells and could not put in words what was wrong. He delivered these little pep-talks about being strong and not caring about what the world says.
He took over many things in the household. Even though I was perfectly capable of doing those things, I have always managed previous to meeting the S. When I would do these things, he always made me feel like he could do them better; he would take them out of my hand. Slowly but surely he would be doing all these “favors” then make me feel like I owed him. He got mad at me because I did not say “I love you” enough in response to his million “I love yous” during the week. I did not love him. I dreamed of some miracle happening, so I could get away out of the relationship. I had fantasies of him just going away. The idea of me ending the relationship filled me with dread, dread to his response. I felt like I owed to him to stay with him. He always said “I saved you, you were a mess when I met you” then following it up with “I love you”.
He would go through the garbage to see what I was doing on my day off and I am pretty sure he was monitoring me, even though I have no proof. He grew marijuana and collected toy guns in his special room. He also hoarded his own urine in soda bottles. According to him, he was too busy with his projects to go to the bathroom. Gradually he has become too busy with his art projects to have time for me. He stopped initiating sex. When I wanted to talk to him about the sex issue, he shot it down with “sex is WAAAAY over-rated” or “what do you want me to do about it?”
I wanted to feel the way he made me feel in the beginning, but I did not understand why he took me off the pedestal. In the beginning he would want to have sex multiple times a day, but now he did not even want to hear about it at all. I did not understand what happened.
More and more criticism
At this time he started criticize me on small things. For instance on my grammar. English is not my first language, so I felt sensitive to the issue. He said I was sloppy in my language.
Then more and more criticism has arrived, and he has become more and more withdrawn, physically and emotionally. He refused to have any discussions about the relationship. He said I was the one who had a problem with the relationship. He also told me that his friends were surprised that he did not have a younger and prettier girlfriend.
I think what was the beginning of the end is that I got a good job that I liked, made me feel good. I think it really gave me confidence to stand up for myself more. I started pointing out some of his BS, yet I was not feeling strong enough to break up with him, even though I wanted to.
Bringing home a drunken girl
On our 7th year anniversary night he told me he would be home by 8 pm, so we could spend some time together. He came home at 4 am with a drunk girl, laughing. The girl was one of his students. He was offended that I thought that there was anything weird about the situation. I was livid. I felt like my world collapsed. He showed up with flowers the next day.
Then not much after that, we had a Thanksgiving party where he acted like a total ass. Then he broke up with me the next day.
He was was unfazed and calm. He combed through all of our stuff to make sure he took everything he felt a right to. He went about with complete calmness, purchasing new bedsheets for his new place. Completely cold. He told me that he was now seeing a therapist and he thinks he is pretty depressed. For the last 3 years I was BEGGING him to see a therapist. He would not even talk about it. But I think this was just an act. Later I found out that he was cheating on me for the last year and a half with the woman he married not much after we split up.
I have been in therapy for a while now. I realize that those years I lived in a complete lie and I chose to be blind to it. My task is to recognize that blind spot and protect myself from Sociopaths like him. I’m a work in progress.
Please if you are out there involved with a sociopath, trust your intuition!
Lovefraud originally posted this letter on Jan. 26, 2009.
Child abuse is America’s biggest public health crisis, and if you had a sociopathic parent, it could explain what happened to you
HEaling Heart–
I have found them them to take everything personally (ego) and hold grudges forever! Literally– mine did not believe in God– so he had no idea what forgiveness was. One time– input would be appreciated– he took me to this GORGEOUS million dollar mountain House in AShville, NC– in the mountains that his family owned. it was sooo romantic, but he never became intimate with me! it was torture!
Weeks and weeks later he told me, “I did not have sex with you that weekend b/c i was angry with you for not being able to babysit my dghtr the following weekend.” I had a wedding to attend. Wow.
Dear Akitameg,
That book (I forgot to put the name in) is “Man’s search for meaning” and is an emotional look at the way he emotionally coped in the Nazi prison camps, aware of having NOTHING.
I figure if HE can cope, WE can cope. He found meaning in his suffering (it was all he had left) I have found meaning in mine, because truly, my faith in God has been strengthened, AND I have “seen the light” and gotten the Ps out of my life.
Life is so much better without the Ps…ANY sacrifice of property, money, and “stuff” would be worth it. If someone tried to “bribe” me with all of Bill Gate’s money just to have one P left in my life, it would not even be a question, I would NOT TAKE THE MONEY! Being P-FREE is freedom, it is a possibility to grow.
I have been with or attached to in some way–son, father, boss, business person, neighbor—-a psychopath all my life or one of their silent partners the “Psychopaths by proxy” and I was a SLOW learner, so I had to REPEAT The classes over and over.
My FAITH in God’s love is not only stronger, better, etc. it gives me comfort. Spiritual RAPE is also part of the psychopaths trauma to us. Whatever one’s belief, it is our soul and our spirit that they demolish—but once we get back up, realize what is REALLY important in this world, and hint: IT AIN’T STUFF, we can be freed in more ways than we realize to be ourselves, to be BETTER than ever before. (((hugs)))) and God bless you. I will keep you in my prayers! Oxy
Healing Heart:
“He was surprisingly easy to manipulate into doing this. I think he was just so stupid and arrogant and impulsive, and so used to not having to answer for anything he had done.”
Have you been channeling me?
I was stunned when I got his letter the other day. All I kept thinking is that any half-wit who watches “Judge Judy” knows that whatever you put in writing is an admission. Moreover, in the case of S, he has spent his entire adult life as a financial deadbeat. After 15 judgments against him you’d think he’d have the system down pat.
My S thinks he’s getting a pass. He is going to be stunned when he sees what I’ve got in store for him.
And all I can say to S is one thing: “Will the village which has lost its idiot please report to the customer service desk?”
I think that often they can’t think past the present. They act on whatever emotions they are feeling. In some ways my ex S could be really sneaky and “planned out” what he was going to do. But he could also be incredibly impulsive and incredibly reckless.
It’s hard to believe that your guy would WRITE A LETTER incriminating himself. And sent it to you, a lawyer. Maybe he really thinks that he has so much control over you that he can do anything. I think it’s a combination of arrogance, impulsivity, and, well stupidity.
What’s really amazingly stupid about mine is that he went through THE SAME THING with his last girlfriend. He even got into a legal battle with her over their joint property custody – and lost. So he knew how the law worked with this stuff – YET STILL said/wrote (and I even got him to say in an email that he had given me a verbal agreement on such and such a date). And to say that this was his final decision and that he would not open this topic again. He said it, he wrote it, he wrote that he had said it…..I couldn’t believe that he was doing all of this. And he was angry at me at the time! It wasn’t like I sweet talked him into it!
I never cease to be surprised by the depths of their cruelty and callousness, and the recklessness with which they live their lives.
Oxy!!!
I just ordered the book– Man’s Search for Meaning! THank you–
Healing Heart:
My S was also incredibly sneaky. I know it sounds wierd, but if he was an animal (no pun intended) I always see him as a rat scurrying along in the shadows. Or a possum with that wierd leering grin.
But, its was his impulsivity and recklessness tht always floored me. He had all the foresight of a crack addict — not a bad analogy since he was a cocaine addict. He was solely in the moment.
I can recall exactly two instances where he referred to his future. Once when during one of his pity plays he told me he didn’t have a pot to piss in and wanted to get a job where he would have a 401(k).
The other, during another pity play, was when he told me that he had high blood pressure and was going to end up like his mother and have a stroke.
Also, I think they really have impaired memory banks. I logged onto the ecourts system the other day. Guess who is once again facing eviction from his landlord? Think his boss will once again bail out his sorry ass?
So much for planning your future.
Huh….a rat scurrying along in the shadows…..yes…a vermin who is able to sneak into any house, building, garbage can…and squeeze through tiny places…ever elusive.
I think my ex S got away with a lot of his lies at first because they were preposterous. Once I came out of denial, and accepted that he really was capable of doing these things, he looked like a moron. Suddenly there was incriminating evidence everywhere. He got by on audacity and intimidation. Those were his tools. Once the gig was up, he didn’t have much to work with.
In the fall my ex S INFORMED ME that he was going to take all my stuff AND that he was going to come over with a moving van and that if I didn’t cooperate he was taking me to court. He said it all with an air of self-righteous authority.
I then produced the mountains of evidence that he had signed everything over to me – specific dates, times, his words, statements. I couldn’t have had more evidence – well, the only thing I didn’t have was a video of him saying “It’s Yours”.
He was STUNNED. Like he couldn’t believe this was happening. I think he was so used to manipulating history – there was no such thing as “truth,” just his rendition of the story, that he didn’t think something from the past could come effect him in the present. He was so good at denying anything and everything, that he never worried about plan b. He had plan A – adamant denial, and intimidation, which usually worked.
But the arrogance and the stupidity. Man! He had been through this before! Hired a lawyer, went through various stages, and learned, precisely what the laws were in regard to joint property! And even with all that knowledge and personal experience, he acted so stupidly.
I guess its true that they don’t learn from punishment; they don’t learn from consequences. And they don’t worry about consequences. I’m surprised more of them don’t end up on the losing end of legal battles. Mine had a graduate degree in business and should have known better. As you said, anyone who watched a few episodes of Judge Judy, would have known better!
Well, Akitameg, let me just say that I too have no family (nor even a sympathetic ex) for support. I live in a small one-bedroom condo and am on the verge of foreclosure. I am 48 and have no kids, not that I ever wanted any. I understand how you feel about a man taking your last childbearing years though. Though I don’t feel that way about the S, I did feel that way about the emotionally unavailable man I split with when I was 41.
I also know what you mean about friends not understanding. I stopped talking to my friends about my last relationship a long time ago. Either they say “get over it” or the new age ones patronize me and tell me that when my “energy shifts”, I won’t regard my ex as evil.” And of course there’s the tried and true “There’s no such thing as a sociopath.”
I didn’t realize until I was goofing around on my reptile site this morning (where I met the S) that I am still hurting over a few people there who were not there for me when I reached out to them. I definitely learned the distinction between real friends and “internet friends.” There never used to be a distinction for me. The loneliness and isolation is the worst part of the depression for me. I am overwhelmed by all of the betrayal I’ve been through and no one to talk to about it. I’m not gonna lie and say I am having this miraculous recovery moment today. I’m not. The hardest thing for me is I keep trying to reach out to friends, and keep getting hurt over and over again. I am running out of people to talk to about it, so I keep the feelings of betrayal inside. I know it’s not healthy for me. I cannot afford therapy right now. This country is supposed to be so great, but it seems to work best if you’re really rich or really poor. If you’re just a hair outside the poverty level, you’re screwed. I am actually considering a move out of the country to avoid all the problems that would ensue if I went into foreclosure.
The saving grace is that I don’t miss the sociopath any more. I haven’t for a long time. I’m more upset at the friends who betrayed me now. It really hurts a lot. What do you do when you have so much pain that you are just overwhelmed and have no outlet?
LIG:
I noticed your “top 10”. Love it. 🙂 Didn’t I once do a top 10 for you? 🙂
Stargazer–You do have an outlet here! I know it is not the same as having people in the physical form.
Can you journal? Even if your faith is low or nonexistent– can you pray anyway? I wish I had insurance now b/c whenever I have spoken to a professional– a compassionate one– I feel better for awhile. —
It is so frustrating that our pain is soo damned real. My bestfriend is in remission for leukemia– and she has all the support of her fam and of course society. I would rather have leukemia– and I know what I am saying as my dad has it too and I had worked in a nursing home for 10 years! You can TREAT those diseases. When people can see something under a microscope it is real to them and the patient is a victim and deserves care and support and sympathy. We are basically
being told to cure our own CANCER. No chemo, no drugs– just cure it on our own and get well. Does this make any sense.
Please, please keep coming here. WE all need you. By the way– I love animals and reptiles!
You have given me hope b/c you do not miss you s anymore!!!! Thank You.