Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Greenfern.” It is a classic story of sociopathic seduction.
When I first met the S, I was very young, 22, and in a pretty bad spot. I come from a broken, abusive family and I have been pretty much on my own since 16. I was managing by putting myself through college, working full time, step by step. A year before I met the S, I was hit by a car and the recovery from that sent me into a depression and hardship. I had no family support or insurance, so I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and tried not falling behind. I felt alone and struggling, but managed. I feel like I was a strong young person considering the circumstances.
Then the S appeared in my life. He was my TA at school. As it turns out he later told me that he had been observing me for over a year, but I was acting “stand offish” and “unapproachable” so he had difficulties getting to know me. So I guess when I hit the bottom after my accident I have become more approachable in his eyes and he pursued me.
Constant care and attention
He courted me very intensely, I felt off guard, like a deer in the headlight. He came across as this very dignified, old fashioned (he was only 28) gentleman with strong interest in my background. He kept asking if I needed help in my school work and brought me sandwiches and kept coming and coming at me. I felt strange, but I was flattered by the constant care and attention. Inside myself I felt weird, it did not feel right. But then I dismissed my own discomfort. I told myself “maybe I just need to relax and accept the attention and kindness”. I think at the time I have isolated myself from people and had little trust in myself being liked for who I was.
Read more: Dating a sociopath? Spot the red flags of love fraud
I told myself that maybe it was time to open up to people and receive. The problem with this was that I made the wrong choice of person to open up to.
He kept pursuing me harder, showering me with gifts and sweet little notes. He even branded my name into his arm. That should have been a big red flag. In fact when he showed me my name burned into his skin, I felt physically ill to my stomach and had a rising panic within me.
He wanted to hang out at all times. I felt like I had no time to myself at all. I kept telling him that I needed to do stuff on my own, but he replied to that by asking if he could come over after I do that thing. He wore me down with persistence and I did not say no. I did not know how to say no.
Phony clowns and bozos
Before I knew it, we were hanging out all the time. He told me about his problems with his parents, he made preachy speeches about the phoniness and hypocrisy of the world. He told me that now it’s us against the world and to “f___ the phony clowns and bozos of the world.” He convinced me to let him shave my head for a home movie. He told me that I was a mess and he will take care of me. He had me help him with his projects, including these films where he dressed me up as a boy wearing leg braces. He would pretty much decide when to eat and sleep. Many times I wanted to sleep at night, but he was asking for more.
In the same time he put me on this special pedestal, told me that I was the one for him and that I made him a better man. He said I was very special, he loved me, I was his best friend. He said we were meant for each other. He always asked if I was “the one” for him. I just could not say yes. I think this made him angry, but he would not say.
Completely suffocated
We moved in together, I have cut off my friends and social life. The S and I were doing EVERYTHING together. I felt completely suffocated, yet I could not even be clear to myself as to what was wrong exactly. I would have crying spells and could not put in words what was wrong. He delivered these little pep-talks about being strong and not caring about what the world says.
He took over many things in the household. Even though I was perfectly capable of doing those things, I have always managed previous to meeting the S. When I would do these things, he always made me feel like he could do them better; he would take them out of my hand. Slowly but surely he would be doing all these “favors” then make me feel like I owed him. He got mad at me because I did not say “I love you” enough in response to his million “I love yous” during the week. I did not love him. I dreamed of some miracle happening, so I could get away out of the relationship. I had fantasies of him just going away. The idea of me ending the relationship filled me with dread, dread to his response. I felt like I owed to him to stay with him. He always said “I saved you, you were a mess when I met you” then following it up with “I love you”.
He would go through the garbage to see what I was doing on my day off and I am pretty sure he was monitoring me, even though I have no proof. He grew marijuana and collected toy guns in his special room. He also hoarded his own urine in soda bottles. According to him, he was too busy with his projects to go to the bathroom. Gradually he has become too busy with his art projects to have time for me. He stopped initiating sex. When I wanted to talk to him about the sex issue, he shot it down with “sex is WAAAAY over-rated” or “what do you want me to do about it?”
I wanted to feel the way he made me feel in the beginning, but I did not understand why he took me off the pedestal. In the beginning he would want to have sex multiple times a day, but now he did not even want to hear about it at all. I did not understand what happened.
More and more criticism
At this time he started criticize me on small things. For instance on my grammar. English is not my first language, so I felt sensitive to the issue. He said I was sloppy in my language.
Then more and more criticism has arrived, and he has become more and more withdrawn, physically and emotionally. He refused to have any discussions about the relationship. He said I was the one who had a problem with the relationship. He also told me that his friends were surprised that he did not have a younger and prettier girlfriend.
I think what was the beginning of the end is that I got a good job that I liked, made me feel good. I think it really gave me confidence to stand up for myself more. I started pointing out some of his BS, yet I was not feeling strong enough to break up with him, even though I wanted to.
Bringing home a drunken girl
On our 7th year anniversary night he told me he would be home by 8 pm, so we could spend some time together. He came home at 4 am with a drunk girl, laughing. The girl was one of his students. He was offended that I thought that there was anything weird about the situation. I was livid. I felt like my world collapsed. He showed up with flowers the next day.
Then not much after that, we had a Thanksgiving party where he acted like a total ass. Then he broke up with me the next day.
He was was unfazed and calm. He combed through all of our stuff to make sure he took everything he felt a right to. He went about with complete calmness, purchasing new bedsheets for his new place. Completely cold. He told me that he was now seeing a therapist and he thinks he is pretty depressed. For the last 3 years I was BEGGING him to see a therapist. He would not even talk about it. But I think this was just an act. Later I found out that he was cheating on me for the last year and a half with the woman he married not much after we split up.
I have been in therapy for a while now. I realize that those years I lived in a complete lie and I chose to be blind to it. My task is to recognize that blind spot and protect myself from Sociopaths like him. I’m a work in progress.
Please if you are out there involved with a sociopath, trust your intuition!
Lovefraud originally posted this letter on Jan. 26, 2009.
Child abuse is America’s biggest public health crisis, and if you had a sociopathic parent, it could explain what happened to you
Stargazer: I know what your name means, so I’ll tell you some stories. Are you still online?
I hear you – Star and Akitameg. I feel really disappointed by the reaction of many of my “friends” to this. It was doubly traumatizing. First, the devastation of the experience, and then second, the dismissiive, and even annoyed, attitude of my friends. Even my sisters didn’t come through for me. Though they were better. But at their best, they tolerated my saying a few things about my pain about the breakup. But even that kind of tolerance was unusual. More often I got dismissive, impatient, attitudes. After all, he was clearly a horrible guy and was my “worst” boyfriend ever – so the breakup was a no-brainer. I should just feel relieved to be out of the relationship.
As I’ve blogged about before, even my therapist had that attitude (though to a lesser degree and in a more diplomatic way). She’s come around now – but it took alot of persuading and outright stalking behaviors from my ex S for her to believe that this was an abusive relationship.
It’s incredibly isolating, too. I have forced myself to go out, and even had some fun (in more recent months), but it takes effort. This type of experience is so consuming, yet impossible for any one to understand unless they have gone through it.
We’re really lucky we have each other. The best interpersonal communications I have had, by far, in the past couple of months have been on LF. Being connected here has made an enormous difference in my recovery. And its really helping me move through the process rather than get stuck in it.
Stargazer: I went to the Maesa Snake Farm in northern Thailand, and saw some amazing things, that relate to our primary theme here!
Yes, HH, I agree. People are caught in their busy lives, and this trauma — with its absence of bruises and scars, and the gaslighting and fog of deceit that can cloud even the well-documented fraud — is just so far out of the understanding of “normal” people that they just can’t wrap their heads around it. (Yes, akitameg, even cancer is more understandable to those around us.) To be fair, even those of us who are SURVIVING this have difficulty wrapping our own heads around their puzzling behavior patterns.
So, we find ourselves alone, at just the time when we most need validation on even simple levels. Yes, this website is a godsend. It’s as if, whether we like it or not, we all passed the entry exam for some kind of special graduate course in humanity. So, here we are!
I feel the same way. I feel isolated and alone. I sometimes feel like I cannot go on this way. I have told my sister and a couple of friends just the basics, that I was really crazy about him… but it just didn’t go anywhere. I didn’t tell them about the money I “loaned” him or how much I wanted this to work out, or how betrayed I feel. I can’t admit my humiliation to them. I feel ok about myself… it’s the being alone I can’t bear. I have family and I feel this way. My sister already yells at me about him and she doesn’t really even know what I did, if she knew about the money she would go insane. I have a daughter but she lives on the east coast and I live on the west coast. I hate being here by myself… it means to me that nobody loves me. How pathetic. Thank you to all of you for being here, you’re the only ones that know what an idiot I am.
SC2: You are not an idiot. You are a caring, compassionate person who got taken down by a pseudo-human who could likely fool the best of the researchers in this field.
To your immense credit, you actually got the license number of the “bus” that hit you! And you found your way to the LF “emergency room.” Now if we could just get a physical long-term care facility for us sweethearts who DESERVE that kind of thing, we could all take walks together, toss bread to the ducks, look at the clouds to find animals and castles, and gently work our way back to being coherent members of the rest of society.
If he had any decency, he’d be humiliated at his own behavior. IF HE HAD ANY DECENCY . . . but remember, he’s part of a breed that can FOOL THE EXPERTS!!
So you, m’dear, are better than many of the experts, because you escaped one that was out in the wild. And you’re still alive.
Any of these negative thoughts that come from anywhere — just let them go. Don’t internalize them. That judgment comes from people who have no experience, no understanding, no legitimate right to judge. Stand in your own truth.
And when you need to, come here, we’ll link arms, and sing a few verses of “Kumbaya,” if you need it!
Oh! I want to feed the ducks! (smile)
We really should have a detox/rehab facility where we spend our first 90 days out of the relationship, and then gradually move to a halfway house (these are all luxury accomodations of course), and then threequarters house, and then gradual reintegration into the community. And we always have a sponsor to help coach us through the tough times.
It should be just like drug/alcohol rehab. We have group therapy, individual therapy, psycho-education, etc. That would have really helped me. If I had spent my first 90 days out with all of you in a retreat where I was cared for compassionately, and educated thoughtfully, I’d be so much further along in my recovery.
HH: The psychopaths get that kind of treatment! It’s called prison, halfway house, reintegration program, etc., etc. Ooooooh, poor them! They can get housing and job help, and on and on. I know. I’ve checked.
Sincerely, I agree with you. So, how do we make this happen? We are the moral backbone of society, and we’re suffering from S/P-induced osteoporosis. It should be in society’s interest to get us back to functioning health, especially with our new-found wisdom.
So how are we going to make that happen?
Healing Heart said: “That sounds alot like my S’s exwife…. only a high school education, had a baby when she was a teenager, and really had very little in terms of prospects for a job or a man. I wonder sometimes if my Ex S chose her BECAUSE of those factors. Like he knew that she would be easier to jerk around and less likely to complain…..I don’t know how on earth she put up with his abuse and repeated betrayals”…..I want to call her a loser and pathetic, but then again, I had A LOT going for me, and I still got pulled into his ludicrous web.:
She’s put up with it, same way you put up with it. You’re just fortunate you have come to understand the socio or psychopath and have found this site. I think this site and the people of varying educational and economic status proves that ones level of education and economic status doesn’t mean SQUAT when it comes to affairs of the heart, whether or not you will or will not be duped, whether or not you will or will not put up with abusive crap, and it has no bearing on how soon you will or will not leave the relationship. I also think the above quote describes how many people see US–as in they can’t believe we put up with (whatever it happened to be)….and they want to call us losers and pathetic and weak. If we have a hard time looking at a previous victim or future vicitm of our s or p and not thinking how “stupid” they are, and we KNOW about the s or p, imagine how difficult it is for other people to not think WE were stupid.
Hmmmmm….we need to get to the people…we need to have them recognize that our community is thoroughly infested with these evil creatures and that they are severely wounding some of our best “good guys.” How can we make people notice? We are such an incredibly small minority. When I think of the women that my ex S has bulldozed – I believe I am the only one who got out.
How do we get the general public notice that this terrible threat is out there so we can do two things?:
1.Stop/treat/train/manage or quarantine the sick Ps. Or at least readily identify them.
2. Treat the victims. They are some of the most caring and tender creatures – we can’t afford to lose them.
Maybe one of us can write a tremendous book – something that reaches every one. But who would read it?
Maybe we need to rally very publicly and loudly around a high profile case.
We’ve got to make this happen. I bet the “how” is something that is unexpected. There will be a vehicle that presents itself in an unexpected way. It will have God’s fingerprints all over it. Not that we should be passive and just wait for something to happen….but I think God is going to help us with this one.