Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Greenfern.” It is a classic story of sociopathic seduction.
When I first met the S, I was very young, 22, and in a pretty bad spot. I come from a broken, abusive family and I have been pretty much on my own since 16. I was managing by putting myself through college, working full time, step by step. A year before I met the S, I was hit by a car and the recovery from that sent me into a depression and hardship. I had no family support or insurance, so I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and tried not falling behind. I felt alone and struggling, but managed. I feel like I was a strong young person considering the circumstances.
Then the S appeared in my life. He was my TA at school. As it turns out he later told me that he had been observing me for over a year, but I was acting “stand offish” and “unapproachable” so he had difficulties getting to know me. So I guess when I hit the bottom after my accident I have become more approachable in his eyes and he pursued me.
Constant care and attention
He courted me very intensely, I felt off guard, like a deer in the headlight. He came across as this very dignified, old fashioned (he was only 28) gentleman with strong interest in my background. He kept asking if I needed help in my school work and brought me sandwiches and kept coming and coming at me. I felt strange, but I was flattered by the constant care and attention. Inside myself I felt weird, it did not feel right. But then I dismissed my own discomfort. I told myself “maybe I just need to relax and accept the attention and kindness”. I think at the time I have isolated myself from people and had little trust in myself being liked for who I was.
Read more: Dating a sociopath? Spot the red flags of love fraud
I told myself that maybe it was time to open up to people and receive. The problem with this was that I made the wrong choice of person to open up to.
He kept pursuing me harder, showering me with gifts and sweet little notes. He even branded my name into his arm. That should have been a big red flag. In fact when he showed me my name burned into his skin, I felt physically ill to my stomach and had a rising panic within me.
He wanted to hang out at all times. I felt like I had no time to myself at all. I kept telling him that I needed to do stuff on my own, but he replied to that by asking if he could come over after I do that thing. He wore me down with persistence and I did not say no. I did not know how to say no.
Phony clowns and bozos
Before I knew it, we were hanging out all the time. He told me about his problems with his parents, he made preachy speeches about the phoniness and hypocrisy of the world. He told me that now it’s us against the world and to “f___ the phony clowns and bozos of the world.” He convinced me to let him shave my head for a home movie. He told me that I was a mess and he will take care of me. He had me help him with his projects, including these films where he dressed me up as a boy wearing leg braces. He would pretty much decide when to eat and sleep. Many times I wanted to sleep at night, but he was asking for more.
In the same time he put me on this special pedestal, told me that I was the one for him and that I made him a better man. He said I was very special, he loved me, I was his best friend. He said we were meant for each other. He always asked if I was “the one” for him. I just could not say yes. I think this made him angry, but he would not say.
Completely suffocated
We moved in together, I have cut off my friends and social life. The S and I were doing EVERYTHING together. I felt completely suffocated, yet I could not even be clear to myself as to what was wrong exactly. I would have crying spells and could not put in words what was wrong. He delivered these little pep-talks about being strong and not caring about what the world says.
He took over many things in the household. Even though I was perfectly capable of doing those things, I have always managed previous to meeting the S. When I would do these things, he always made me feel like he could do them better; he would take them out of my hand. Slowly but surely he would be doing all these “favors” then make me feel like I owed him. He got mad at me because I did not say “I love you” enough in response to his million “I love yous” during the week. I did not love him. I dreamed of some miracle happening, so I could get away out of the relationship. I had fantasies of him just going away. The idea of me ending the relationship filled me with dread, dread to his response. I felt like I owed to him to stay with him. He always said “I saved you, you were a mess when I met you” then following it up with “I love you”.
He would go through the garbage to see what I was doing on my day off and I am pretty sure he was monitoring me, even though I have no proof. He grew marijuana and collected toy guns in his special room. He also hoarded his own urine in soda bottles. According to him, he was too busy with his projects to go to the bathroom. Gradually he has become too busy with his art projects to have time for me. He stopped initiating sex. When I wanted to talk to him about the sex issue, he shot it down with “sex is WAAAAY over-rated” or “what do you want me to do about it?”
I wanted to feel the way he made me feel in the beginning, but I did not understand why he took me off the pedestal. In the beginning he would want to have sex multiple times a day, but now he did not even want to hear about it at all. I did not understand what happened.
More and more criticism
At this time he started criticize me on small things. For instance on my grammar. English is not my first language, so I felt sensitive to the issue. He said I was sloppy in my language.
Then more and more criticism has arrived, and he has become more and more withdrawn, physically and emotionally. He refused to have any discussions about the relationship. He said I was the one who had a problem with the relationship. He also told me that his friends were surprised that he did not have a younger and prettier girlfriend.
I think what was the beginning of the end is that I got a good job that I liked, made me feel good. I think it really gave me confidence to stand up for myself more. I started pointing out some of his BS, yet I was not feeling strong enough to break up with him, even though I wanted to.
Bringing home a drunken girl
On our 7th year anniversary night he told me he would be home by 8 pm, so we could spend some time together. He came home at 4 am with a drunk girl, laughing. The girl was one of his students. He was offended that I thought that there was anything weird about the situation. I was livid. I felt like my world collapsed. He showed up with flowers the next day.
Then not much after that, we had a Thanksgiving party where he acted like a total ass. Then he broke up with me the next day.
He was was unfazed and calm. He combed through all of our stuff to make sure he took everything he felt a right to. He went about with complete calmness, purchasing new bedsheets for his new place. Completely cold. He told me that he was now seeing a therapist and he thinks he is pretty depressed. For the last 3 years I was BEGGING him to see a therapist. He would not even talk about it. But I think this was just an act. Later I found out that he was cheating on me for the last year and a half with the woman he married not much after we split up.
I have been in therapy for a while now. I realize that those years I lived in a complete lie and I chose to be blind to it. My task is to recognize that blind spot and protect myself from Sociopaths like him. I’m a work in progress.
Please if you are out there involved with a sociopath, trust your intuition!
Lovefraud originally posted this letter on Jan. 26, 2009.
Child abuse is America’s biggest public health crisis, and if you had a sociopathic parent, it could explain what happened to you
Wini,
I am sorry I do not share your enthusiasm for Obama, or ANY politician…personally I am just as afraid of Obama as I was of McCain. No ONE person in any office is going tomake a big CHANGE in our society, culture or country, it is going to have to be a grass-roots CHANGE. I think politics will be same old crap, different party–justice for the rich and entitled by the rich and entitled, with a big BAIL OUT FOR THE RICH.
I got to get off my stump now or my blood pressure will rise.
Sometimes it is “suicide” either physically or emotionally to protest and to stand up, and whistle blowers (wini was one) get CRUCIFIED. Heck, look at what they did to Christ when he started challenging the political and religiously entrenched psychopaths! Even if you don’t believe in Him as “THE” Christ, look at him as a historical figure and what was done to him.
Look at Martin Luther and the many others who have tried to challenge the entrenched POWERS THAT BE for justice and equality for humans. How many of us had ancestors that were burned at the stake or hung, drawn and quartered for their religious or political beliefs? Probably all of us. How many have had ancestors that LIT THE FIRES? Again, the answer is probably ALL of us.
How many of us have had victims for ancestors/parents? How many of us have had abusers, murderers, etc for ancestors/parents? Depending on how “far back” you go, all of us, but in my case I’ve had victims/abusers more than “normal” people for ancestors–starting with my parents.
The culture I come from (Scots-Irish) is rife with alcoholism, wife beating, discounting of women and children, especially female children. Women and children are to be seen and not heard, to serve and not be served. By virtue of being the ONLY grandchild (even though a flawed one–I was female) I was given “special priviledges” until puberty by my grandfather, at which time I was relegated to the status of “woman” (i.e. SHUT UP and don’t have opinions)
I’ve known other women of my culture who were “socialized” more by their fathers or grandfathers and who also grew up to be “uppity” women who had confidence in their abilities to do things that were previously male-only things, but yet, I think all of us still feel “second class” because we are not male. Opportunites are closed to us (or at least were, but in most cases I think still are) because of our sex. Or we were termed “dikes” or “not feminine” or “man like” etc.
I also have the “feminine” skills of knitting, needle work, etc. as well as the “male skills” of fixing a car or changing a tire, or steer wrestling or roping, but still, I was “neither fish nor fowl, nor good red herring” I was NOT a subservient woman. I was fortunate to have a husband the last 20 years who appreciated my entire sets of skills and my confidence and abilities and who ENCOURAGED ME to be ALL that I could be, but society doesn’t encourage women.
I am not a rabid feminist by any means, and I don’t think women are “better” than me, or vice versa, I AM a rabid INDIVDUALIST though. I do know that there ARE differences in males and females besides hormones and I celebrate those differences, not try to negate them.
Frankly, there are some jobs that SIZE and strength require more than a 105 pound female can muster–or a 105 pound male can muster, for that matter. I am a certified fire fighter (volunteer for 13 years, now retired) but there are plenty of things that by virtue of my size, sex and strength, I could not do as well (or even safely) like the younger guys in our department.
Our culture and society does I think need CHANGE, and equal treatment and safety from violence is at the top of my list for things we need changed in society—but I think we have to do it one person at a time by educating them. Raising our sons and daughters to neither accept nor perpetrate violence to others, but be willing and able to defend themselves from violence. I think public service should be required of all young people, just like Israel does. A year or two of working for the good of our country or the world would do a world of good both for our society and for the individuals doing it.
Finance that, Obama! Instead of giving billions to the auto manufactures and banks who wasted the money of their companies in the first place with “bonuses” to everyone in power. I’m off my rant now, and got to get outside and lower my blood pressure again! LOL (((Hugs))))
Hey Oxy. My senator is on the hot seat with the perks (got his hand caught in the cookie jar) he received for from his lenders on his mortgages. The coward is blaming it on his wife! … and his wife, like clockwork is taking the blame. Both of them are lying through their teeth as their mugs are all over the TV tonight.
Creep. He knew about our lawsuits, yet he allowed all of us to suffer over the years … thinking that we would collapse due to all the stress they created in our lives. They are a well oiled machine. Well oiled.
He needs to leave office!
Peace.
Oxy, I’m with you for the most part.
Except the the older I get, the more acceptable the idea becomes that I might not live through speaking up publicly.
The victim/abuser side of my family is Irish too. I was raised Irish Catholic. And though a I abandoned the church because it is so deeply sexist, it gave me a good foundation in thinking for myself. That’s one good thing about Catholic school. At they same time they’re making you memorize the catechism, they’re training you to think.
I believe that at least part of the problem with that side of the family is that they came from violence and poverty. My father’s father’s generation were hard-drinking, working class, borderline criminals who talked with their fists. They felt like the law was made to protect the rich, and they were not entirely wrong. The Magna Carta, the foundation of our legal system, wasn’t designed to protect the masses, but the property rights of the ruling class. The origin of the word “felon” was villager. And the “shire reeve,” the origin was the word “sheriff,” had the duty of protecting the lord’s possession from the serfs and collecting taxes from them.
My father thought that anything you could get away with was “right.” When I came home with my high ideas from Catholic school, he beat me to show me how high ideas worked. Nice guy.
But I inherited an independent mind, and a belief in the power of the people. There are more of us than there are of them. It’s true in so many ways. And we have the right of free assembly in this country, which means we have the right to come together for something we believe in.
I keep thinking that if I say this enough times, someone will think maybe it’s worth checking out. Read The Spider and the Starfish.
It’s a fast, easy read. It’s interesting and entertaining. And it might change how you think about use of power to change things. About how much any of us actually have.
Kathy,
Doing a “genealogy” portrait of your family in the emotional and legal vein, not just who was a “doctor, lawyer, Indian chief” is pretty interesting really. I was fortunate that my family lived in the same spot for a long time and the oral history as well as supporting documentation was vast. My interest in family history and community history as well as the history of the Scots-Irish sparked a decades long study of the family, the community, and the culture, and I wrote and published three books on all of the above combined. OUr local area has a rich history in politically intersting stories, including murder and vote fixing.
During the WAr Between the States, 50% of the county fought for the South and 50% fought for the Union and 50% were outlaws! (Yea I know that’s 150%, but some guys fought for all three groups! LOL)
When I started studying the customs and culture of the Scots-Irish in earnest I realized that many of our customs and thinking dated right back to Northern Ireland in 1609 when King James moved the lowland-Scots (protestants) into Northern Ireland where they displaced the Catholic celtic Irish, and the hate that festers there today is still going on. Those Scots (called Scots-Irish in the US) hated the native Irish and vice versa. Here is a “war that has gone on since 1609 and isn’t cooling off much even today. I know some people from Ireland who had to move tothe states because one was Catholic and the other Protestant and they married and it was leave their country or DIE.
At best it takes about 5 generations to cool off a “group hatred” but when new outbreaks of violence and abuse break out, then it takes an additional 5 generatons and so on. The wars in the middle east now, if they stopped today and everyone was “playing nice” for the next 100 years and then one side did a “bad thing” to the other, it would start all over again with act-react-re-re-act and so on.
Even our American Revolution was fought by the yeomen to defend the “rights” of the rich (like Washington etc) many of whom profited profited highly from the Revolution. Washington was one who thrived financially. Jefferson and others actually lost money or went bankrupt, but some who was “sharper” than others profited, and thought that they deserved it for their efforts so didn’t feel guilty about it.
Washington actually lived very well the winter of Valley Forge while his men starved and froze (he gained 20 pounds that winter). I suspect he was very Narcissistic, though maybe not to the level of a “disorder” but just felt “entitled” because of his status as very rich and socially elevated.
Standing up for the right has always been a risky venture—look what they did to Jesus! Joan of Arc and others.
We have to stand up for OURSELVES before we can have the strength to stand up for others. By healing ourselves, we increase our abilities and strengths to help change even one little corner of society. We may not can single handledly change the eitire country or the entire world, but by insisting that others treat us with respect, and by treating others with respect, by keeping our own moral compasses pointed at the GOOD, we help make the world a better place, for ourselve and our children, and for the rest of humanity.
I once thought (back when I was 18 or so) that I could single handedly change the world. I have long been dispossessed of that idea, but I know I can change myself, and I can help one person at a time and lend my voice to others.
I’m NOT ready to set myself on fire to “protest” all the bad things in the world, but I will do my best to give so much as a comforting word and take time to be kinder than necessary to people who are hurting. It is amazing to me the number of sites on the web for victims’ education, support etc. so the network and the expanding ripples is moving through cyberspace and making a difference. Witout the Internet, how would any of us have found the support we have here and now at LF? There are some good things afoot! It gives me hope at least. (((hugs)))
Interesting stuff, Oxy.
An additional family note. My son’s late father, the college professor, who was Scots-Irish, responded to the news that I was mostly Irish with, “How unfortunate for you.”
He was being funny. Sort of.
Oxy & Rune: Great posts… all of them, everybody’s! I’m finally here reading after sitting in traffic for hours today.
shabbychic2 , I too am in my 50’s and still have not gotten in right, but with all the available information here and descriptions of an S/P makes a world of a difference.
At one point it seemed like a good idea to start dating 5 months after S/P. I thought, Oh if I only could find a good man that was not an S/P I may heal faster and be happy again.
Wrong, Wrong, Wrong, this healing takes time. It is grief in a sense of what has been drilled into our minds and what we believed the S/P was in the good days. I think the grief is related to the image we had of them, not grieving the distorted individual they truly are, from a chaotic individual with no emotions and zero ability to love.
I need to continue to detox the S/P and learn to love myself and be happy with myself before I can love another.
Dating sites, oh no have been there too, the S/P swarms them and reading of those horror stories here. Yikes.
Today for the first time I actually told a friend, I did not want to be with anyone now. I am happy to find out who am I am and who I can be. Being in my 50’s I am learning to like being with/by myself. I really have not been by myself since I was 17. It is now a good feeling.
Ms. SChic2: welcome in from the traffic. We’ve had some traffic here today as well. And I hope you’re well. Did you buy flowers?
Is opn: Maybe you’re getting it right, but in a different way from what you thought. Y’know how all those exercises in high school gym class, and now down at the gym with the personal trainer, are just NO FUN AT ALL!!!! But, if you persevere, and do the reps, and add your own spirit, you find that you really, really like what you see in the mirror, and you feel stronger and better and even “more yourself.”
So, figure this S/P inspired “workout” is something about strengthening your interior being in ways you never, ever imagined.
KH: Wm. Faulkner wrote, “The Reivers,” and Steve McQueen starred in the movie. The story was about thieves — sociopathic thieves, probably. I didn’t know your etymology of the word “Sheriff,” but I believe it fits nicely — or not-so-nicely, as the case may be!
BTW, I have a son I never understood until I started to study.