Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Greenfern.” It is a classic story of sociopathic seduction.
When I first met the S, I was very young, 22, and in a pretty bad spot. I come from a broken, abusive family and I have been pretty much on my own since 16. I was managing by putting myself through college, working full time, step by step. A year before I met the S, I was hit by a car and the recovery from that sent me into a depression and hardship. I had no family support or insurance, so I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and tried not falling behind. I felt alone and struggling, but managed. I feel like I was a strong young person considering the circumstances.
Then the S appeared in my life. He was my TA at school. As it turns out he later told me that he had been observing me for over a year, but I was acting “stand offish” and “unapproachable” so he had difficulties getting to know me. So I guess when I hit the bottom after my accident I have become more approachable in his eyes and he pursued me.
Constant care and attention
He courted me very intensely, I felt off guard, like a deer in the headlight. He came across as this very dignified, old fashioned (he was only 28) gentleman with strong interest in my background. He kept asking if I needed help in my school work and brought me sandwiches and kept coming and coming at me. I felt strange, but I was flattered by the constant care and attention. Inside myself I felt weird, it did not feel right. But then I dismissed my own discomfort. I told myself “maybe I just need to relax and accept the attention and kindness”. I think at the time I have isolated myself from people and had little trust in myself being liked for who I was.
Read more: Dating a sociopath? Spot the red flags of love fraud
I told myself that maybe it was time to open up to people and receive. The problem with this was that I made the wrong choice of person to open up to.
He kept pursuing me harder, showering me with gifts and sweet little notes. He even branded my name into his arm. That should have been a big red flag. In fact when he showed me my name burned into his skin, I felt physically ill to my stomach and had a rising panic within me.
He wanted to hang out at all times. I felt like I had no time to myself at all. I kept telling him that I needed to do stuff on my own, but he replied to that by asking if he could come over after I do that thing. He wore me down with persistence and I did not say no. I did not know how to say no.
Phony clowns and bozos
Before I knew it, we were hanging out all the time. He told me about his problems with his parents, he made preachy speeches about the phoniness and hypocrisy of the world. He told me that now it’s us against the world and to “f___ the phony clowns and bozos of the world.” He convinced me to let him shave my head for a home movie. He told me that I was a mess and he will take care of me. He had me help him with his projects, including these films where he dressed me up as a boy wearing leg braces. He would pretty much decide when to eat and sleep. Many times I wanted to sleep at night, but he was asking for more.
In the same time he put me on this special pedestal, told me that I was the one for him and that I made him a better man. He said I was very special, he loved me, I was his best friend. He said we were meant for each other. He always asked if I was “the one” for him. I just could not say yes. I think this made him angry, but he would not say.
Completely suffocated
We moved in together, I have cut off my friends and social life. The S and I were doing EVERYTHING together. I felt completely suffocated, yet I could not even be clear to myself as to what was wrong exactly. I would have crying spells and could not put in words what was wrong. He delivered these little pep-talks about being strong and not caring about what the world says.
He took over many things in the household. Even though I was perfectly capable of doing those things, I have always managed previous to meeting the S. When I would do these things, he always made me feel like he could do them better; he would take them out of my hand. Slowly but surely he would be doing all these “favors” then make me feel like I owed him. He got mad at me because I did not say “I love you” enough in response to his million “I love yous” during the week. I did not love him. I dreamed of some miracle happening, so I could get away out of the relationship. I had fantasies of him just going away. The idea of me ending the relationship filled me with dread, dread to his response. I felt like I owed to him to stay with him. He always said “I saved you, you were a mess when I met you” then following it up with “I love you”.
He would go through the garbage to see what I was doing on my day off and I am pretty sure he was monitoring me, even though I have no proof. He grew marijuana and collected toy guns in his special room. He also hoarded his own urine in soda bottles. According to him, he was too busy with his projects to go to the bathroom. Gradually he has become too busy with his art projects to have time for me. He stopped initiating sex. When I wanted to talk to him about the sex issue, he shot it down with “sex is WAAAAY over-rated” or “what do you want me to do about it?”
I wanted to feel the way he made me feel in the beginning, but I did not understand why he took me off the pedestal. In the beginning he would want to have sex multiple times a day, but now he did not even want to hear about it at all. I did not understand what happened.
More and more criticism
At this time he started criticize me on small things. For instance on my grammar. English is not my first language, so I felt sensitive to the issue. He said I was sloppy in my language.
Then more and more criticism has arrived, and he has become more and more withdrawn, physically and emotionally. He refused to have any discussions about the relationship. He said I was the one who had a problem with the relationship. He also told me that his friends were surprised that he did not have a younger and prettier girlfriend.
I think what was the beginning of the end is that I got a good job that I liked, made me feel good. I think it really gave me confidence to stand up for myself more. I started pointing out some of his BS, yet I was not feeling strong enough to break up with him, even though I wanted to.
Bringing home a drunken girl
On our 7th year anniversary night he told me he would be home by 8 pm, so we could spend some time together. He came home at 4 am with a drunk girl, laughing. The girl was one of his students. He was offended that I thought that there was anything weird about the situation. I was livid. I felt like my world collapsed. He showed up with flowers the next day.
Then not much after that, we had a Thanksgiving party where he acted like a total ass. Then he broke up with me the next day.
He was was unfazed and calm. He combed through all of our stuff to make sure he took everything he felt a right to. He went about with complete calmness, purchasing new bedsheets for his new place. Completely cold. He told me that he was now seeing a therapist and he thinks he is pretty depressed. For the last 3 years I was BEGGING him to see a therapist. He would not even talk about it. But I think this was just an act. Later I found out that he was cheating on me for the last year and a half with the woman he married not much after we split up.
I have been in therapy for a while now. I realize that those years I lived in a complete lie and I chose to be blind to it. My task is to recognize that blind spot and protect myself from Sociopaths like him. I’m a work in progress.
Please if you are out there involved with a sociopath, trust your intuition!
Lovefraud originally posted this letter on Jan. 26, 2009.
Child abuse is America’s biggest public health crisis, and if you had a sociopathic parent, it could explain what happened to you
Rune thanks for the well taken peptalk, words. Looking back at how an S/P could make you feel and see yourself, really did change the way I was feeling, the intense back aches, neck aches, headaches every ache you could think of. I was literally toxic. High blood pressure, almost to the point of being hospitalized if I could not get it under control. Being tired all of the time from not doing anything too strenuous but tending to my family. And now seeing pictures of the most intense times, it showed on my face, true worry lines.
It is all about taking back charge of your life and letting out “the spring of good emotions” that have been frozen in the deep of winter. Those good emotions will be in full bloom if they are nurtured and loved and allowed to come through. A flower will not grow unless it is tended to.
I used to buy flowers every Friday to set on the table after my first Ex, not and S. The beautiful colors and the awesome beauty of nature surrounding you is healing too.
Is opn: I probably never got over the N… you’re right, never gave myself the chance.. and then I ended up with a man who was just using me and I tolerated it! I don’t know why I am afraid of being alone, probably because, like you, I never have been alone, which to me means not having a man in my life. I lived at home with my mom until I got married at the ripe old age of 21. Then after that broke up I made sure I had a man in my life, even if there wasn’t a relationship to go along with him. But I’m alone now! Maybe it won’t be so bad! Does this make any sense? I just ramble on & on!
Rune: No flowers today! I’ll have to get some. I love flowers!
Is opn: Many many years ago I studied “Abnormal Psychology.” The book had about 3/4 of a page on ASPD. We must remember that we are dealing with “abnormal” here, and the reason they do such damage is that they are so profoundly abnormal that all our efforts to understand them are thwarted –because we are “normal” and they are not.
Those aches are — I believe — from an excess of adrenaline from all your body’s efforts to protect you from this profound danger, while your heart and head were just suckered in. My face, too, has changed. I have that tension in the muscles next to my mouth that pulls downward, creating those deep lines. It was my expression of “I can’t believe this!” that I ended up wearing almost continuously.
Let’s reclaim ourselves!
SChic2: Yes, it makes sense. I have perhaps a little more practice than you at taking care of little things that make me happy, but YOU know how to do it! We’ve been so socialized to expect that a man will step in and do these things for us, and that’s part of what makes us vulnerable. But that’s not all.
I was accustomed to being on my own, and this last S/P targeted me and stepped in in ways that I could not have defeated without knowing all the psychological research and background that I know now. This is not just about being programmed to play a classically familiar female role. This is about predators picking us out.
I’m glad you’re here with your experience and your open mind. You may have a community of thousands around you who will need the wisdom you will gain from this experience, and from what we share here.
shabbychic2: I know what you mean. I never wanted to be alone. The dream at 17 yrs. old was when I get married I will be happy forever and ever. What we maybe raised to think, until the reality this is not going to work, this relationship/ this union. And after not learning the lesson from that relationship running to do it all over again. This time thinking it is going to work forever, but it is not because the individual is an S/P/N chosen to fill the wonderful groom/mate etc. this time.
Yeah I need to grow and see who I am and be happy with I am.
Conclusion there is no gentleman, true gentleman that will make me feel whole. I think you cannot feel as if you are alone, not having a man/partner in your life. Being raised in this society you are expected to be with a man/another half.
The neighborhood I am in is all families, men and women.I am the only one leading a life without a man. The women seem to come across as having feeling bad for me as I cut the grass, shovel, snowblow and take out the garbage. But this is better than having and S/P/N in your life to mess it all up, to mess you up. They will never understand and I will leave it at that and smile geuinely and say hello. I had one married neighbor ask me why I seem so happy all of time while I was doing outside work. I told her it was therapeutic, and confused her.
Rune; In a sense we can start to wear the mask physically they wanted us to have by the interactions and confusion that have been part of this game this phisad. And it can take it’s toll in time with your health.
It is, all about who you are and getting that back.
Laughter is great to help healing. I have read online of some hospitals using laughter to promote positive, good feelings and possibly healing. There is nothing better than a good laugh that brings tears to your eyes and makes your tummy ache and leaves you gasping.
Is opn: I was never so lonely as when I was married to a S/P, trapped by the “values” the church had drilled into me, believing I had no way out.
In “Karate Kid,” Mr. Miyagi teaches the kid through giving him a task: “Wax on, wax off.” To me, that is the same as taking out the garbage, running the leaf-blower, painting the fence — it is both meditative, repetitive movement, and it is “seva”: work done in service for some greater good. When you paint the house, you honor the house for giving you shelter. When you wax the car, and vacuum under the seats, you are also saying “thank you,” if not just to the car, then to the universe that gave you the car so you didn’t have to walk.
I also know that we sometimes have to choose between survival and leaving dishes in the sink. I vote for survival — getting a little more rest when we’re depleted, being more gentle with ourselves.
But I believe that this repetitive, so-called menial work, can be a living, active meditation as well. We can choose what intention we work with.
Is opn: You silly girl. Put on that red nose, fluff out your hair, and play like you’re Patch Adams, bringing health to yourself through laughter!
Yes. I have two dogs who are willing to play “the clown” with me. Nothing like having 70 pounds of dog crawl up you as if you were a gangplank at 6:00 a.m. (dark) so he can like your face in his expression of true love, to make you either scream or double up in a belly laugh. I prefer the latter. He really loves me. And when he pulls off that stunt, his older sister (more courteous, but ready to play doggy games, too) will join in and try to get in her “licks” as well.
We should try to get more belly laughs into the LF postings. Wanna help? We’ll be like terrorists striking with humor!
Rune: I understand what you are saying about church values. I have things to resolve. On my second honeymoon I went to the vatican and was going for confession with a Bishop. During that, I was told, you were not married in the faith, in the eyes of God you have never been married. Well…. I knew this marrying outside of the faith and with another of a differrent faith. But it still threw me (for lack of a better way to say it), as I left the confessional and walked toward my new spouse.
So in years to come, I went back to my now Priest and he suggested to get an annullment of the two husbands that I had. A total of 26 years or so to be annulled by the Bishop. But was reminded my children were not considered illegitimate by the church or by God.
I have had a wonderful spiritual religious advisor with me and available to me that works directly with Rome, to walk with me through loss, and after life with an S. His view was I need an exorcist for the S. At the time hearing that brought me more fear with the fear I already had. Now I can laugh about it, even though it is not funny anything of the S. I am laughing because S. is out of my life and praying for the abilty to see the S. as he really was.
There are other aspects to get back in line for my own mistakes and the choices I have made.
And waxing on and waxing off. Got it.
I planted many flowers and bushes to work through many feelings and as a way to bring joyful feelings that were so needed.
Rune: Being targeted sounds scary. Predator sounds worse! I’m learning a lot, need to keep my head on straight and be careful, protect myself. Much to think about. I can see where I would still be vulnerable to that. I was thinking I need to learn how to say no and to get to know someone better before I get so attached, but I still was not grasping at the lies these abnormal people can tell. Wow. That really hit me tonight for some reason. I feel somber… like another dimension opened up. I think the guy I was seeing was just using me because I’m so giving… but that is simple to see even for me, but a predator… I just never got it til now. Gives me the chills.
Is opn: Every guy I’ve been with I thought was “the one” who would make me happy and it would be forever & ever. I need to grow up and step out of the movie theater!