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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Marriage, betrayal, and no guilt whatsoever

Editor’s note: The following was written by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Ruby.” She wants to share her story because she is finding it hard to move on with her life. She lives in Europe and English is not her first language.

When we got engage he come across really nice and kind person. Before i decided to get engage I have told him that I want this relationship based on honesty and truth and he said yeh I want the same. He come across as mummy little baby boy, which was not a problem for me, since I believe that person who love and respect his mother will do respect and care for me as well. He used to often say to me that after I get married to him, I will be the happiest woman on earth/universe. He never used to talk about any intimacy, which seems weird to me, normally what I know is guys do talk about all these things. When I asked him about he said well my ex was abusive and that is why i am scare of it.

Whenever I want to go out with him after my engagement he always have excuse busy at work. Well I ask him why you not call me every day and he said that we keep every thing to discuss after marriage. We have whole life to talk about things. i thought, yeh he is right.

Wedding and honeymoon

In March 2010 we got married. I wanted a big wedding so I spend most of the money even that time. He arrange a nice car and hotel booking for the wedding night. I was so please I felt I met the man of my dream. On the wedding night no intimacy happen and it made me worried and I ask him why nothing happen. He said my ex was abusive and start crying…

After a week he book honeymoon in Dubai where he was really good with me and gradually things happen between us. Well even in Dubai he did not want to buy anything for me and my family. I gave him money then he took me for shopping. Strange enough, he don’t really have interest to buy me lingerie, which was again shock for me, since as young newly wed man he should be buying all the sexy stuff for me. But nope.

It was a nice trip. We came back around six weeks. We had normal relationship, then one day he told me that he is going away because of his job. Where he didn’t tell me. Well he came back from trip after 10 days, he was a different person. When I ask him why you seem so tense, he told that nothing, it’s work loads. I was trying to make him feel better with all my love, so is my family. Every time I ask him why you depress he mention that my dad has died, that’s why.

Massive debt

A few months after our marriage, he ask my brother to lend him some money, which my brother refused. Then in October 2010, he request me to borrow some money for him from bank since his ex left him in debt. I did, since I can’t see him in trouble. After the loan he was good with me till January 2011.

Mid January he again feel depress. I asked him what happen, he mention nothing. I thought poor him, never been loved by family, so i gave him more love and attention. Since he told me that his family never loved him nor his siblings, so naturally I felt for him. I took him for counseling, which he stopped after few sessions. I felt that he is down, so I took him for holidays in Morocco for a week. There he was fine but has used my credit card for shopping and hotel expenses, saying I’ll pay back.

After a week I find out he is in massive debt. It was a shock for me again I help him to go through all again. A few months he was fine. He buy me new clothes. I forgot to mention we don’t really have normal intimate relationship, may be once a month. For this I have ask him to get treated. He even tried Viagra. Since I want kids, I was going to have IVF done but he refused.

The new guy

Then come January 2012. New year eve he was fine and happy. 2nd week of January I came to visit my family for a week. When i went back, I realise he is very much involved with some homosexual guy, who is very good looking with job, money and car. He started spending all this time with him. When I asked him if you are involved with him, he just said I am disgusting since I think cheap. He is just friend and I like spending time with him.

Things move on. I still thought, poor him he is depress. Was spending my time, money, emotions everything to make him better. On the other hand, I notice he started wearing the same clothes his gay friend wear, same haircut, same food, same cigarettes. My ex never smoke, thus everything he start doing what his gay friend do.

I was confused. What the hell is this all about I told his family. And reply I get from them was he is still baby going through stress, depression and so on…

August 2012 I had enough so came to see my family. He dropped at my parents, promising he will come and spend time with me, but he never came. Just made excuses for month that he is busy at work. Right after he send his mother away as well and brought his gay friend in our house to start living with him. And straight after that, he text me saying that “I am gay and being with you make me depressed and unhappy so don’t come back”.

I was in shock since. I asked him to meet me once but he never come. I waited for a month and one day. I went to our house because my stuff was still with him. There he was with his gay friend or maybe his boy friend. He didn’t open the door for me. In fact he knew I got the keys so he changed the lock, change alarm system so I cant get in. So he left me on street that day. Few days before he told his mother don’t came back because I don’t want you in my life.

He won’t pay

When I ask him to pay the money, he said to the lawyer that he will pay the money once I signed divorce paper. Which I know he will not, since he hasn’t pay any money since past few months. Also he hasn’t pay any maintenance, which a man have to pay to wife in our culture if he left me.

Now what I heard is he is enjoying his life with his friend. Only he have around him is this guy who believe that my ex is his best friend. He don’t want to be contacted by his own family at all.

I am shocked that he didn’t have no guilt whatsoever. Also I should mention he has taken money from his mother, friend, my parents and God knows who else ”¦ list is endless. Also he often used to bring expensive things at home and said my boss gave this to me. Also he always like to use most expensive things even though he don’t have money.

Yes I know he is a sociopath, and he used me against his mother since his mother was his victim for years. And he wanted to seal his relationship with his mother. Of course he used his gay mate against me to seal relationship with me. I know it doesn’t bother them what they really are. They can be gay, transexual or straight. Well let’s see who will be his next prey against his friend.



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151 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Marriage, betrayal, and no guilt whatsoever"

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Ruby, very distressing situation for you and the families on either side. The post doesn’t mention which euro country you live in, but I’m tired of the arguments I have heard put forward by some gay acquaintances of mine that homophobic culture ‘forces’ gay men into marriages of convenience due to parental and social pressure. Please. There’s pressure on single straight women and men to marry, you can refuse to bow to the pressure. I know gay men who meet married gay men for casual sex. It is no different to straight infidelity and betrayal. Wishing you strength and a peaceful future Ruby x

Ruby, I am horrified to read of your experiences. And, I agree that people make the choice to either bow under pressures, or not.

But, when one person USES another person to hide behind, use, and toss away, they’re simply “bad people,” whether they’re gay or not. You are absolutely 100% spot-on: betrayal is betrayal, regardless of sexual orientation.

You’re going to be okay, Ruby. You’re going to get through this and live as you deserve to.

Brightest blessings

Ruby, my ex spath would use yhe exact statement that we had the rest of our lives together to talk anytime I wanted to talk about anything serious. And though I dont have any concrete proof that he had sexual relationships with transgendered individuals, he was always very intriuged and also disdainful of them. My gut tells me there was more to it with him in the sexuality front. He also tried to convince me to move a female coworker into our apartment while I was in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy. I strongly suspect he was cheating with her and God knows who else before his cheating became to blatantly obvious to deny. Anyway, im glad u found LF and thank u for sharing your story with us. I cant remember a lot of the details in my own, but some of what u shared brought some memories back to me. I have found recovery to be a slow and painful process but that LF is a great site to meet great folks who “get” what it truly means to have been tangled and then mangled by a sociopath. I wish u peace and healing.

Ruby,
I’m so very sorry that you experienced such an evil spath. Hopefully, you will never have to experience another one. Learn as much as you can about them, they are everywhere. Learn the red flags, how to spot them and how to avoid them.

Sending you healing prayers.

Ruby,

Skylar is right – they are everywhere, having met up with several of them in the workplace (female spaths). Anyway, my ex-spath came across as such a caring, friendly, kind-hearted man, who didn’t have a mean bone in his body. Wrong. For years, I saw this side of him. When he went solo in business, then the CRAZINESS went full-force (for me) and the lights came on (in my head), discovering that the man I was married to was a spath. An awful reality. I would not want anyone to experience the stuff that I went through – it was unbelievably life-splattering, still getting my head back together. I really am glad that you found out early on about your husband and that he is gone from your life. These people do not deserve to be in anyone’s “circle of trust.” They are mentally unstable.

Ruby,

The truth is these disordered people don’t really have a sexual ‘orientation’. They just go where the ‘best deal’ is. They will use anyone, no matter.

So I am not the least bit surprised he was able to switch into a homosexual relationship. Not all of them do this, mind you. But several men I have known, who are disorderd, have switched back and forth.

One wanted me to sleep with him and another man. No thank-you.

I think for a spath, who is switching back and forth, they experience being with a same sex partner as just another wild ride, another sexual escapade.

What is so gross about all of this is that sociopaths MAKE sex a perversion. Because they have no heart, no connection with their sex partners, they pervert the relationship.

I am sorry for what you went through. I am impressed that you shared it with us, in ENGLISH! I hope you never find yourself being abused like this again.

Hi, thanks everyone
I still dont understand what has happen to me, I agree LPMarie13. that my ex was not just spath but also transgender. some time I feel that there is more than what I know but more I think more I get depress and dnt get any answer at all. the reason I felt he is path is cz he never have any future plans, he is a pathalogical liar, he cant speak truth at all. all my tym with him now I realise was just lies n more lies. I am in massive debt cz of him.
now I also know I was just a trophy for him and his family and he just used me for status, money, and connection in society.
its getting very hard for me to get over every day is a pain for me since I have done so much for him not just financially but emotionally and morally aswell.

LPMArie I would like to know more about ur experience since you mention there is some similarities may be it will help me. I appreciate if you share ur experience. but thanks all again

Ruby, the more u read on LF, the more u realize how many things these spathy types have in common. I would read another persons comments and swear they were posting about my ex. Its like they all have the same playbook or something. I share things here and there but honestly, there was so much stress and devestation over the course of my relationship with him and eventually fleeing the state that there are gaps in my memory. Like some of the terrible things he would say to me, for example. I usually remember the gist of what he said and how horrible I would feel, but often times the exact wording escapes me. I remember his face and the ugliness in his eyes and my internal experiences of most of it. I dont know if that makes any sense to u, but thats how it is for me. And on the sexuality note, a lot of these spathy types will sleep with anything/anyone. We would drive by high school or middle school aged girls and my ex would check them out. Id comment on it and hes say “thats my friends daughter!” every single time. Really? How stupid he took me for. And I tend to believe if I wasnt pregnant I would have gotten rid of much sooner. God knows I tried. I spent much of that relationship complaining about it and trying to get out of it. For some reason I had this belief that breaking up had to be a mutual decision. And hes a gifted manipulator, as they all are. I used to feel pretty bad that he conned me but when we met I was in a vulnerable state. And he managed to con the federal govt into a $109,000 grant, 60,000 of which he went on a 4 month long meth bibge with. Knowing that he is that good of a liar and manipulator makes me feel less ashamed of being hooked into his game. A lot of people were/are. Even his own mother said at one pont that he is a world class liar. But thats as far as that goes. She still blames me for the failure of our relationship, etc. And she was nasty and abusive to me, too, trying to control me through childcare. My life is completely turned upside down as a result of knowing him.

LPMarie,
you are so rite about his mother, infact my ex mum blame me for everything that happen, but his mother never say till now that he got any problem. she said I got problem. you are so right. its been few months but still my life is hell. every month have to pay back big amount he took on my name.

Hi, Bluejay
it seems ur experience was far more worst than me can feel the pain in ur comments. sorry to know about it hope you getting better now 🙂

Dear Ruby,

Congratulations on finding lovefraud. Your journey to healing has just gotten a huge helping hand. It was mentioned that you will read things and think, wow, that is my sociopath and it will help you because you don’t feel so alone or so crazy.

My story is sort of similar, although my exsp was not in a homosexual relationship (although I have heard from one of his victims that he was experimenting with it). I met a wonderful and charming man who swallowed me sexually, financially and emotionally. I was previously married to a narcissist so the attention I received was magical.
I too demanded a relationship based on honesty and most of all, NO CHEATING. I was reassured that I was the only one and will be the only one. I was completely snowed until one day, I was checking out the history on my computer and saw that he had logged in to Adult Friend Finder. We had a huge fight about it and he was able to convince me that he had “friends” on there from when he was single and they were good people and he didn’t want to lose contact with them. I bought it, hook, line and sinker. We always had a sexually charged relationship and since that seemed to be ok, I didn’t feel the need to press it.
Fast forward 2 years later, he started to press me to join him in swinger activities. He said all of his other old girlfriends enjoyed the lifestyle and joined in with him (mind you he said all his ex’s were insane) and it was just “high Christian morals” that was stopping me from enjoying the “good life”. There was a lot of crazy-making in this time. He stopped having sex with me and blamed it on me (I gained too much weight, I was harassing him about his kids, I was too unhappy etc). If there was any sex, it was very brutal and impersonal. I finally gathered the courage to leave. In the year that I have been healing, I have since learned that he was active on Adult Friend Finder the whole time we were together, meeting people when he was out of town for “work” and various other times. I’m still reeling from the betrayal. I have also learned that he is very active in my city’s swinger club. He had this secret life all the time we were together and I totally missed it.
After it was all said and done, his mother blamed me and said that things would have worked for us if I would have dropped my questioning about the Adult Friend Finder. She also said that she understood why he turned to that because I wasn’t the same person I was when he met me. Her last insult was to tell me that I allowed the relationship to bottom out because I let him watch pornography (he was a porn addict..couldn’t go a day without watching it)
I don’t want to go into the emotional and financial losses that I suffered, but I’m sure all the people on here know and get it.
I have been out of the relationship for 1 year and followed the “no contact” rule for the last 6 months.
Ruby, it will take a long time to heal. You will never understand why he did it to you. I don’t think any of us understand. Work on picking yourself up and loving yourself. The most important thing is to learn to listen to your inner voice. If it tells you something doesn’t feel right, listen to it. I also have learned that there is a “cost” to everything. I owe a stack of money to pay off his debts (I’m also paying for kitchen and bathroom renovations in a house that I no longer live in). I have to tell myself every day to let it go.
Good luck in your journey Ruby. This site is wonderful and so are the people on it. They understand. They will never tell you to get over it or try to convince you that your exsp is really a nice guy, but misunderstood. Peace and love to your broken heart.

Saskgirl:
thanks for you support and sorry to know your side of story, yeh some where in your story I its my story, specially the money matter, his mother blaming you and most important about him blaming you. my exspath was same when my family ask him why you not have any relationship with your wife he reply that well she ask too much. but deep down he knows I am just asking whats my right as his wife. what make me very upset is that he dumped me on street and I was on street in cold/ rainy weather. evil…

Slimone, you’re spot-on about their predatory nature with regard to orientation. My belief is that they mirror whatever gets them what they want. And, MONEY is a very strong desire for most spaths.

Ruby, you’re going to be fine, in due time. The further you move away from your horrific experiences, the stronger and wiser you will be. You’re recovering, Ruby, and it’s not a pleasant journey, but it will become far easier to manage and the results will be incredible the further you move down your own Healing Path.

Brightest blessings

Saskgirl, your experiences resonate with mine. The “swingers” activities are particularly triggering, but these are things that I am learning to manage and I am SO glad that you got out.

The exspath’s mother was heavily involved in the exspath’s psyche, as well – in a very, very unhealthy way. And, what she may think of me is pointless. I no longer care what ANYone thinks about me because I don’t need their approval or acceptance.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. It’s a great help to my recovery to read your insight.

Brightest blessings

Saskgirl, your above post is very very rational and reasonable….you sound like you are on the road to healing. Congratulations on 6 months of NC and glad you are away from him AND his mother, sounds like that apple did not fall far from the maternal tree.

Ruby, the parents thing is almost the usual. My ex’s father stalled me with crocodile tears and offered pity stories about his son — some legitimate — and later did an about face. He was in a way more spathy than the ex.

There is nothing about you that makes you deserving of what was done to you. The money you are paying is the cost of having a diseased and contagious beast kept away from you.

There is a US TV show called real housewives of New Jersey. I have seen one episode, probably the most famous/infamous one. Most of the people are related, and there is a big sister matriarch type figure. There were all kinds of semi-staged conflicts and also one drama having to do with one family member saying her sister in law was wrong in something she did or was doing to an “outsider” character. She caught grief from other family members. In the one-on-one interviews the matriarch kept talking about “we believe in family” “family stick together” “we believe in family” family family family. I saw a writeup later, I think it was in Gawker, a hipsterish gossippy blog, completely excoriating this woman for her moral bankruptcy. It was satisfying to see.

I think my ex is now with someone who knows some of those grotesque people in that show, is of similar background.

Anyway, you have learned to be careful about mammas boys and “family family family”. The mothers of momma’s boys are often a living hell for their daughters in law, even when there aren’t official spaths involved.

If this guy involved you in a game, you have already won. You HAD money, and probably will have much more again eventually. You had status, social connection, and still do. You say he used you for status, but he has destroyed his status as an actual human being among those who know the truth of what he did. What he did was no more status-enhancing than an honor-killing is honor-enhancing, if one means real honor.

But you have these things still, if temporarily a little weakened, even socially. You have a brother who resisted this guy. YOU have real family, or probably a better one than this guy does. You can interact with them without talking about any of this and it may help you, even if it’s just politeness on a holiday. Hopefully some or all are loving and healthy. YOU can go through the rituals of being normal and civilized with all people and become stronger and stronger. YOU even have what it takes to do that without family.

Hi, Ragged Ann:
it seems that you have lived my life or probably you have great knowledge about all this, thanks for your kind words and must say massive support. you words made me feel so good. I realise every word you write is so much true. what ever you mention a friend of mine said the same things about my situation. thanks a ton x

Ruby, I’m grateful that you’re feeling validated and supported after your horrific experiences.

Recovery comes…….it really, truly does. It comes in different ways for each survivor, and recovery has no schedule or timetable. But, it DOES happen and, a year from today, you will be able to look back down your Healing Path and see just how far you’ve moved forward and away from the spath.

You’re going to be just fine, Ruby. You WANT to recover, and that’s the catalyst that creates healing changes.

Brightest blessings

Ox Drover & Truthspeak

Thank you for your kind words. I am recovering & I think I’m a lot further along in my recovery due to lovefraud. I’m doing well for most days, but there are still days when I become totally undone. To me, there are way too many of these days.

Truthspeak, the brush with the swinger life has left me totally tainted about sex. I didn’t bow to his pressure, but one of his victims did & she says it was such a violation… Almost akin to rape. I just turned 40 & should be enjoying a healthy sex life. Instead, I shy away from it and want to shower in bleach.
The interesting thing about my ex’s mother. She was married to a man for 20 years. Midway into their marriage, she “found out” that her husband had posted pics of her on adult friend finder & she got involved in swinging also. For years. She said the betrayal was terrible, yet she totally tried to browbeat me for not accepting what her son did to me. Sad part comes from the fact that my ex sp knew his mom was involved in that lifestyle, his sister also. The apple doesn’t fall too far indeed…

i just find out my expath has started some new business and this guy is helping him in every way. this guy seems really crazy about him. this is upsetting cz of all he did 🙁

Ruby, “conttact” doesn’t just mean seeing him or talking to him, but it also means learniing about him or what he is doing. UNLESS you HAVE TO HAVE CONTACT WITH HIM because a court orders it because of kids or other reason, NO CONTACT means you do not talk about him to others, or allow them to tell you whhat he is doing.

As you can see, this “back door” contact has UPSET YOU, and it will continue to do so as long as you allow it. ONLY YOU CAN STOP CONTACT OF ANY KIND…and then the upsets will stop as well. (((hugs)))

Ruby, I do NOT want to come of as sounding harsh. How did you find out about this? Why is it important to you? What good has this information done for you other than to hurt you, even more?

“No Contact” means none, on any level. Finding out about what “he’s doing” will only open that wound and pour salt into it. Even allowing well-meaning people to “tell you” what he’s doing is STILL contact and STILL hurtful.

I’m so sorry that you’re upset. This is what happened to me a while back when I chose to view the exspath’s FB profile. It only hurt ME – not him.

Brightest blessings

EDIT ADD: I posted over OxD – different words, same message. Contact means finding out ANYthing that he might (or, might not) be doing by any means.

Ruby,
it isn’t a business, it’s a con. Even if they have actual “success” in the “business”, you can be sure he will cheat or defraud someone. It’s what they do. Clearly, he defrauded you in a marriage, so why would he not defraud in business.

ALL spaths like to cheat. Even the “less spathy” ones that seem to follow the rules most of the time, will cheat if given the opportunity. That’s because, at heart, they are cheaters and liars.

I agree with Oxy and Truthy, that you are better off not having any “backdoor contact” because all you will see and hear, are more lies. But because you are a normal human being, you assume that these lies are the truth. There IS NO TRUTH IN A SPATH. NONE. That’s why they are a spath. Do not expose yourself to any more lies, it is toxic to you.

Saskgirl:
Ewwww. EEEwwwww. mommy and sister also doing the swinger thing? ewwwww.

and horrified to admit this is also a me too moment.
not the swinger thing, that i know of. but that my X!husband and his mother were “close”.

One holiday, I walked into the room to see them talking, and the body language, the intimacy, the way they were to each other, was so sexual, so loverlike, that I got the chilling creeps. All the other family members in the room thought it no big deal. Then my daughter walked into the room behind me and said “mom! look at dad, wtf is happening!” And I knew then that I wasn’t imagining, that the creep factor was glaring to those outside the “nest”. (creep factor gets worse/more incestuous but no point in writing about it)

Sorry. So sorry. Focus your healing on what REAL love is and I think we can get beyond the creep factor.

Oh God. My abuser and his creepy mother. One time he informed me “my mother has had two great loves in her life, R******(her second husband who she ran off with when abuser was small child, after his father tried to force her into “échangisme” ie swinging)..and ME”. Even in lovebombing phase abuser was very penny pinching; lots of talk of buying me this and that and whatever it was never materialised. However he enjoyed buying presents for his mother including perfume, and would nap on her late husband’s bed in her bedroom after she had fixed him lunch. He also tried to get me to engage in phone sex when he was in his mother’s bedroom and she was in the next room. I need brain bleach.

TeaLight, it’s amazing at the correlation between the disordered mothers and their disordered sons. The more that I read and learn, the more skeeved-out I really am!

ICK…….just………………..ICK!!!!

Skylar, 100% spot-on. The noise that comes out of the holes in spaths’ faces are just that: noise. Sometimes, that noise is pleasant and even mesmorizing. It can lull its listeners into a state of stupor. Suddenly, when that noise ceases, all of the smoke and vapor is gone, and there’s this hideous THING standing where the noise was coming from.

Ruby, are you worrying that the other guy is going to get burned? He will have to learn on his own, because he wouldn’t believe you if you warned him. Are you hurting because of the injustice of the world continuing to treat him well? It won’t last. Is it hurting because you think there are good times and love going on over there? What’s over there is a cold black hole that can only take and take and demand more.

Did you get this news by accident? It’s only a reminder to be happy you are alone and away from him. But don’t try to find out more or go looking. You already know what this person is about, so you don’t need to learn more about him.

Spath’s love to dupe. They gain your trust, gage your vulnerabilities, learn your vulnerabilities, and enjoy baiting you. They enjoy zapping anyone who has opened up to them. This means, they lead you to believe, that they understand where you are coming from, with manufactured empathy….you have so much in common with the spath. Then, the spath drops some kind of bomb on you, all the better if they have a minion to hide behind, even a fake minion to hide behind. They do this because it brings them joy to cause distress. They divide and conquor. They take down communities by causing rivalries. They creat chaos and create dissention.
They find out what the triggers are and use them.
They suck.

Kim, that’s precisely why some people are on a “PIL” for me. Oh, that translates into “Permanent Ignore List.” 🙂

Brightest blessings

OxD……I knew you’d be “on it” like a duck on a June Bug!

I am beginning to listen for really strange ambiguity in language. Something like, “the first time it happened, I eventually…….whatever. Strange juxtipositions that incorperate impressive words that translate to Oxymorans. (Not that your a moran, Oxy.)
This is a mixed garden variety speak, and it both reveils, and conceals ambivalance…in it’s most innoculious form, or, is a deliberate form of mind control, because it unsettles…it creates imbalance in the listener. It is a form of gas-lighting.
In good faith, we attempt to make sense and right the disequilibrium. Crazy.
Ahhhh. Hell no. No more of that.

Kim, wow……..that it unsettles and creates imbalance for the listener. This makes sense to me in the spoken AND written word.

Do you find yourself attempting to dissect the “meaning” of conversations that you have with others? I’m asking because I’m wondering if this is “normal” or am I just being hypersensitive…..ALL of the time…….

No, Truthy, not really. It’s just if I get that intuitive sense that something isn’t right….I think that disordered people use this kind of ambiguious language far more than normals do, and, perhaps we pick up on it, unconsciously, by feeling unsettled, without consciously analyzing what they really said…..we know what we interpreted them to have said, but, we fixed it, so we could make sense of it. (We hate cog-dis) so, I think, we do this, on a conscience level, even though our unconscience knows better. And that strange feeling that something isn’t right, is because our unconscience has a record of the strange inconsistancies, and juztipositions of language.

I was married to a sociopath, he had sex with so many women it was unbelieveable, all off the internet and sex dating sits, he even advertised on craigslist for women. Then denied all of it. I put up with so many lies and what was unbelieveable, he accused me of planting long hairs in my towels, and makeup on my pillows. The bastard didnt even get a hotel room. Anyway to cut a long story short I divorced him, got a substantial settlement from the court(despite his objections) fought him all the way. Then he drives 7 hours to break into my home. He then told the detective he was awarded the things he stole, but has no paperwork to prove it. So I have an appointment with the District attorney this week, and I have also filed for civil theft (as there were five witnesses to say they saw him at my home and I wasn’t there. So I am doing my best to get him charghed with burglary and theft. I have told the DA I will go as far as the president with this unless he is prosecuted. I have already written a 7 page letter to the sheriff. I moved 7 hours drive away, yet he stalked me , found me and stole from me. How dare he violate my life again!!!! the fight is on. I will not continue to let this monster control me and violate my life. How dare he!!!!

I was married to a sociopath, he had sex with so many women it was unbelieveable, all off the internet and sex dating sits, he even advertised on craigslist for women. Then denied all of it. I put up with so many lies and what was unbelieveable, he accused me of planting long hairs in my towels, and makeup on my pillows. The bastard didnt even get a hotel room. Anyway to cut a long story short I divorced him, got a substantial settlement from the court(despite his objections) fought him all the way. Then he drives 7 hours to break into my home. He then told the detective he was awarded the things he stole, but has no paperwork to prove it. So I have an appointment with the District attorney this week, and I have also filed for civil theft (as there were five witnesses to say they saw him at my home and I wasn’t there. So I am doing my best to get him charged with burglary and theft. I have told the DA I will go as far as the president with this unless he is prosecuted. I have already written a 7 page letter to the sheriff. I moved 7 hours drive away, yet he stalked me , found me and stole from me. How dare he violate my life again!!!! the fight is on. I will not continue to let this monster control me and violate my life. How dare he!!!! What has completely ticked me off is he is so bloody cool and calm about it, and his girlfriend helped him, talk about control,

I did everything lovefraud suggested, I moved dissapeared and started a new life. Yet here we are nearly a year later and he has again violated my bloody life. WELL it has to stop, I tried the lovefraud way, it didnt work. So now I am going to fight. Will keep u posted

now i have moved again, but this time i have a full security system, a restraining order and video cameras .

There are certain words that imply certain things….they have connotations….words that seem innocious, but they undermine us, and we don’t even recognize them. Very manipulitive people are expert on using these words, in everyday speech. For example, the word, “notion” implies a child-like, sort of imaginitive naivete. It is subrle, but is very undermining. “Pandering” ah, yes pandering. That implies a stooping to the level of the herd….these are subtle means of eroding self-confidence, but, to the trusting person, they pass by, almost on a subliminal level. Spaths and manipulater’s use them with great skill.
They suck.

i now have a full security system in place, video cams and a restraining order against him again!!!

Good Lilly. Let us know.

Kim, I pay too much attention to that, I’m afraid. I was SO snowed by the way the exspath used words in sequences that I’m nearly paranoid with regard to communication. If it goes over my head or creates a feeling of disharmony within my gut, I’m out.

Lily, you’ve had one hell of a journey. BE SAFE!

I don’t think there’s any such thing as paying too much attention to that….IMO. We are trying to learn to discern toxic people, right? Words are powerful indicators. No, it’s not like I am consciously looking for something to indict someone on, but, ther are certain words that trigger me now, because I recognize the manipulation, and the strategy to undermine behind them.

kim, if you are referring to my posts, “pandering” is unflattering to the panderer as well as the herd. Has anyone other than I used the word? Notion is hardly any differnt from “idea”. I think I used notion somewhere.

Is “first time…. eventally…” from me as well? I can probably try to clarify what I was trying to say.

If I seek to undermine something it’s of thinking I think is wrong. If I seek to manipulate I say things like pass-the-salt when I want the salt.

Maybe others here do, but I don’t have any strategy to undermine anything, and I’m sure not gaslighting anybody.

raggedy, I think that’s one place where you went wrong. When you seek to undermine someone’s thinking because you perceive that it is wrong, you actually undermine your own premise because all that we perceive is the undermining, rather than what you are trying to say.

That tactic may work else where, but it won’t work here because everyone has already been exposed to maximum undermining. We have developed anti-bodies to it. We sense it with our guts and even if you are correct in all that you say, your logic doesn’t fly when your tactic is so offensive.

Furthermore, your logic doesn’t fly most of the time anyway. You would benefit more from learning here on LF than you would from teaching. To quote Moon Dancer, “Your opinion is welcome, but that’s all it is, your opinion.” 😆

(private joke) but anyway…

Don’t take offense please, I’m trying to relate to you that the people here have taught me sooo much about being human, about empathy, and what it means to take responsibility. In three years, I’ve become a different person, in large part because of this community. Give it a try. Also, I would really really recommend giving up gluten and dairy, it affects the mind.

Skylar, I was speaking of nothing more than trying to changing someone’s mind when I think they are mistaken about something. And it could be a one sentence post, not an extended endeavor. That’s what we sometimes do when we disgree with something: correct it, try to persuade them. I didn’t mean it any other way, just borrowed kim’s words since she was alluding to words I know I used recently. Wanted to address her because I didn’t know if the weirdness started last night with me and I am not sure how things work in this comments area. Not used to the thread drift and morph into chatroom stuff.

If I seek to undermine something, it is thinking I think is wrong………………..
they suck.

Skylar, are you sure it’s my logic and not my lack of familiarity with concepts? Or my meanings for words being different for their common meaning here?

When we disagree with something, we try to correct it. Who the f is we? You got a frog in your pocket? And just because you disagree you pompous ass, doesn’t mean you can deighn to correct. See what I mean LF? The language.
They suck.

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