Editor’s note: The following was written by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Ruby.” She wants to share her story because she is finding it hard to move on with her life. She lives in Europe and English is not her first language.
When we got engage he come across really nice and kind person. Before i decided to get engage I have told him that I want this relationship based on honesty and truth and he said yeh I want the same. He come across as mummy little baby boy, which was not a problem for me, since I believe that person who love and respect his mother will do respect and care for me as well. He used to often say to me that after I get married to him, I will be the happiest woman on earth/universe. He never used to talk about any intimacy, which seems weird to me, normally what I know is guys do talk about all these things. When I asked him about he said well my ex was abusive and that is why i am scare of it.
Whenever I want to go out with him after my engagement he always have excuse busy at work. Well I ask him why you not call me every day and he said that we keep every thing to discuss after marriage. We have whole life to talk about things. i thought, yeh he is right.
Wedding and honeymoon
In March 2010 we got married. I wanted a big wedding so I spend most of the money even that time. He arrange a nice car and hotel booking for the wedding night. I was so please I felt I met the man of my dream. On the wedding night no intimacy happen and it made me worried and I ask him why nothing happen. He said my ex was abusive and start crying…
After a week he book honeymoon in Dubai where he was really good with me and gradually things happen between us. Well even in Dubai he did not want to buy anything for me and my family. I gave him money then he took me for shopping. Strange enough, he don’t really have interest to buy me lingerie, which was again shock for me, since as young newly wed man he should be buying all the sexy stuff for me. But nope.
It was a nice trip. We came back around six weeks. We had normal relationship, then one day he told me that he is going away because of his job. Where he didn’t tell me. Well he came back from trip after 10 days, he was a different person. When I ask him why you seem so tense, he told that nothing, it’s work loads. I was trying to make him feel better with all my love, so is my family. Every time I ask him why you depress he mention that my dad has died, that’s why.
Massive debt
A few months after our marriage, he ask my brother to lend him some money, which my brother refused. Then in October 2010, he request me to borrow some money for him from bank since his ex left him in debt. I did, since I can’t see him in trouble. After the loan he was good with me till January 2011.
Mid January he again feel depress. I asked him what happen, he mention nothing. I thought poor him, never been loved by family, so i gave him more love and attention. Since he told me that his family never loved him nor his siblings, so naturally I felt for him. I took him for counseling, which he stopped after few sessions. I felt that he is down, so I took him for holidays in Morocco for a week. There he was fine but has used my credit card for shopping and hotel expenses, saying I’ll pay back.
After a week I find out he is in massive debt. It was a shock for me again I help him to go through all again. A few months he was fine. He buy me new clothes. I forgot to mention we don’t really have normal intimate relationship, may be once a month. For this I have ask him to get treated. He even tried Viagra. Since I want kids, I was going to have IVF done but he refused.
The new guy
Then come January 2012. New year eve he was fine and happy. 2nd week of January I came to visit my family for a week. When i went back, I realise he is very much involved with some homosexual guy, who is very good looking with job, money and car. He started spending all this time with him. When I asked him if you are involved with him, he just said I am disgusting since I think cheap. He is just friend and I like spending time with him.
Things move on. I still thought, poor him he is depress. Was spending my time, money, emotions everything to make him better. On the other hand, I notice he started wearing the same clothes his gay friend wear, same haircut, same food, same cigarettes. My ex never smoke, thus everything he start doing what his gay friend do.
I was confused. What the hell is this all about I told his family. And reply I get from them was he is still baby going through stress, depression and so on…
August 2012 I had enough so came to see my family. He dropped at my parents, promising he will come and spend time with me, but he never came. Just made excuses for month that he is busy at work. Right after he send his mother away as well and brought his gay friend in our house to start living with him. And straight after that, he text me saying that “I am gay and being with you make me depressed and unhappy so don’t come back”.
I was in shock since. I asked him to meet me once but he never come. I waited for a month and one day. I went to our house because my stuff was still with him. There he was with his gay friend or maybe his boy friend. He didn’t open the door for me. In fact he knew I got the keys so he changed the lock, change alarm system so I cant get in. So he left me on street that day. Few days before he told his mother don’t came back because I don’t want you in my life.
He won’t pay
When I ask him to pay the money, he said to the lawyer that he will pay the money once I signed divorce paper. Which I know he will not, since he hasn’t pay any money since past few months. Also he hasn’t pay any maintenance, which a man have to pay to wife in our culture if he left me.
Now what I heard is he is enjoying his life with his friend. Only he have around him is this guy who believe that my ex is his best friend. He don’t want to be contacted by his own family at all.
I am shocked that he didn’t have no guilt whatsoever. Also I should mention he has taken money from his mother, friend, my parents and God knows who else ”¦ list is endless. Also he often used to bring expensive things at home and said my boss gave this to me. Also he always like to use most expensive things even though he don’t have money.
Yes I know he is a sociopath, and he used me against his mother since his mother was his victim for years. And he wanted to seal his relationship with his mother. Of course he used his gay mate against me to seal relationship with me. I know it doesn’t bother them what they really are. They can be gay, transexual or straight. Well let’s see who will be his next prey against his friend.
Ruby, very distressing situation for you and the families on either side. The post doesn’t mention which euro country you live in, but I’m tired of the arguments I have heard put forward by some gay acquaintances of mine that homophobic culture ‘forces’ gay men into marriages of convenience due to parental and social pressure. Please. There’s pressure on single straight women and men to marry, you can refuse to bow to the pressure. I know gay men who meet married gay men for casual sex. It is no different to straight infidelity and betrayal. Wishing you strength and a peaceful future Ruby x
Ruby, I am horrified to read of your experiences. And, I agree that people make the choice to either bow under pressures, or not.
But, when one person USES another person to hide behind, use, and toss away, they’re simply “bad people,” whether they’re gay or not. You are absolutely 100% spot-on: betrayal is betrayal, regardless of sexual orientation.
You’re going to be okay, Ruby. You’re going to get through this and live as you deserve to.
Brightest blessings
Ruby, my ex spath would use yhe exact statement that we had the rest of our lives together to talk anytime I wanted to talk about anything serious. And though I dont have any concrete proof that he had sexual relationships with transgendered individuals, he was always very intriuged and also disdainful of them. My gut tells me there was more to it with him in the sexuality front. He also tried to convince me to move a female coworker into our apartment while I was in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy. I strongly suspect he was cheating with her and God knows who else before his cheating became to blatantly obvious to deny. Anyway, im glad u found LF and thank u for sharing your story with us. I cant remember a lot of the details in my own, but some of what u shared brought some memories back to me. I have found recovery to be a slow and painful process but that LF is a great site to meet great folks who “get” what it truly means to have been tangled and then mangled by a sociopath. I wish u peace and healing.
Ruby,
I’m so very sorry that you experienced such an evil spath. Hopefully, you will never have to experience another one. Learn as much as you can about them, they are everywhere. Learn the red flags, how to spot them and how to avoid them.
Sending you healing prayers.
Ruby,
Skylar is right – they are everywhere, having met up with several of them in the workplace (female spaths). Anyway, my ex-spath came across as such a caring, friendly, kind-hearted man, who didn’t have a mean bone in his body. Wrong. For years, I saw this side of him. When he went solo in business, then the CRAZINESS went full-force (for me) and the lights came on (in my head), discovering that the man I was married to was a spath. An awful reality. I would not want anyone to experience the stuff that I went through – it was unbelievably life-splattering, still getting my head back together. I really am glad that you found out early on about your husband and that he is gone from your life. These people do not deserve to be in anyone’s “circle of trust.” They are mentally unstable.
Ruby,
The truth is these disordered people don’t really have a sexual ‘orientation’. They just go where the ‘best deal’ is. They will use anyone, no matter.
So I am not the least bit surprised he was able to switch into a homosexual relationship. Not all of them do this, mind you. But several men I have known, who are disorderd, have switched back and forth.
One wanted me to sleep with him and another man. No thank-you.
I think for a spath, who is switching back and forth, they experience being with a same sex partner as just another wild ride, another sexual escapade.
What is so gross about all of this is that sociopaths MAKE sex a perversion. Because they have no heart, no connection with their sex partners, they pervert the relationship.
I am sorry for what you went through. I am impressed that you shared it with us, in ENGLISH! I hope you never find yourself being abused like this again.
Hi, thanks everyone
I still dont understand what has happen to me, I agree LPMarie13. that my ex was not just spath but also transgender. some time I feel that there is more than what I know but more I think more I get depress and dnt get any answer at all. the reason I felt he is path is cz he never have any future plans, he is a pathalogical liar, he cant speak truth at all. all my tym with him now I realise was just lies n more lies. I am in massive debt cz of him.
now I also know I was just a trophy for him and his family and he just used me for status, money, and connection in society.
its getting very hard for me to get over every day is a pain for me since I have done so much for him not just financially but emotionally and morally aswell.
LPMArie I would like to know more about ur experience since you mention there is some similarities may be it will help me. I appreciate if you share ur experience. but thanks all again
Ruby, the more u read on LF, the more u realize how many things these spathy types have in common. I would read another persons comments and swear they were posting about my ex. Its like they all have the same playbook or something. I share things here and there but honestly, there was so much stress and devestation over the course of my relationship with him and eventually fleeing the state that there are gaps in my memory. Like some of the terrible things he would say to me, for example. I usually remember the gist of what he said and how horrible I would feel, but often times the exact wording escapes me. I remember his face and the ugliness in his eyes and my internal experiences of most of it. I dont know if that makes any sense to u, but thats how it is for me. And on the sexuality note, a lot of these spathy types will sleep with anything/anyone. We would drive by high school or middle school aged girls and my ex would check them out. Id comment on it and hes say “thats my friends daughter!” every single time. Really? How stupid he took me for. And I tend to believe if I wasnt pregnant I would have gotten rid of much sooner. God knows I tried. I spent much of that relationship complaining about it and trying to get out of it. For some reason I had this belief that breaking up had to be a mutual decision. And hes a gifted manipulator, as they all are. I used to feel pretty bad that he conned me but when we met I was in a vulnerable state. And he managed to con the federal govt into a $109,000 grant, 60,000 of which he went on a 4 month long meth bibge with. Knowing that he is that good of a liar and manipulator makes me feel less ashamed of being hooked into his game. A lot of people were/are. Even his own mother said at one pont that he is a world class liar. But thats as far as that goes. She still blames me for the failure of our relationship, etc. And she was nasty and abusive to me, too, trying to control me through childcare. My life is completely turned upside down as a result of knowing him.
LPMarie,
you are so rite about his mother, infact my ex mum blame me for everything that happen, but his mother never say till now that he got any problem. she said I got problem. you are so right. its been few months but still my life is hell. every month have to pay back big amount he took on my name.