Editor’s note: The following was written by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Ruby.” She wants to share her story because she is finding it hard to move on with her life. She lives in Europe and English is not her first language.
When we got engage he come across really nice and kind person. Before i decided to get engage I have told him that I want this relationship based on honesty and truth and he said yeh I want the same. He come across as mummy little baby boy, which was not a problem for me, since I believe that person who love and respect his mother will do respect and care for me as well. He used to often say to me that after I get married to him, I will be the happiest woman on earth/universe. He never used to talk about any intimacy, which seems weird to me, normally what I know is guys do talk about all these things. When I asked him about he said well my ex was abusive and that is why i am scare of it.
Whenever I want to go out with him after my engagement he always have excuse busy at work. Well I ask him why you not call me every day and he said that we keep every thing to discuss after marriage. We have whole life to talk about things. i thought, yeh he is right.
Wedding and honeymoon
In March 2010 we got married. I wanted a big wedding so I spend most of the money even that time. He arrange a nice car and hotel booking for the wedding night. I was so please I felt I met the man of my dream. On the wedding night no intimacy happen and it made me worried and I ask him why nothing happen. He said my ex was abusive and start crying…
After a week he book honeymoon in Dubai where he was really good with me and gradually things happen between us. Well even in Dubai he did not want to buy anything for me and my family. I gave him money then he took me for shopping. Strange enough, he don’t really have interest to buy me lingerie, which was again shock for me, since as young newly wed man he should be buying all the sexy stuff for me. But nope.
It was a nice trip. We came back around six weeks. We had normal relationship, then one day he told me that he is going away because of his job. Where he didn’t tell me. Well he came back from trip after 10 days, he was a different person. When I ask him why you seem so tense, he told that nothing, it’s work loads. I was trying to make him feel better with all my love, so is my family. Every time I ask him why you depress he mention that my dad has died, that’s why.
Massive debt
A few months after our marriage, he ask my brother to lend him some money, which my brother refused. Then in October 2010, he request me to borrow some money for him from bank since his ex left him in debt. I did, since I can’t see him in trouble. After the loan he was good with me till January 2011.
Mid January he again feel depress. I asked him what happen, he mention nothing. I thought poor him, never been loved by family, so i gave him more love and attention. Since he told me that his family never loved him nor his siblings, so naturally I felt for him. I took him for counseling, which he stopped after few sessions. I felt that he is down, so I took him for holidays in Morocco for a week. There he was fine but has used my credit card for shopping and hotel expenses, saying I’ll pay back.
After a week I find out he is in massive debt. It was a shock for me again I help him to go through all again. A few months he was fine. He buy me new clothes. I forgot to mention we don’t really have normal intimate relationship, may be once a month. For this I have ask him to get treated. He even tried Viagra. Since I want kids, I was going to have IVF done but he refused.
The new guy
Then come January 2012. New year eve he was fine and happy. 2nd week of January I came to visit my family for a week. When i went back, I realise he is very much involved with some homosexual guy, who is very good looking with job, money and car. He started spending all this time with him. When I asked him if you are involved with him, he just said I am disgusting since I think cheap. He is just friend and I like spending time with him.
Things move on. I still thought, poor him he is depress. Was spending my time, money, emotions everything to make him better. On the other hand, I notice he started wearing the same clothes his gay friend wear, same haircut, same food, same cigarettes. My ex never smoke, thus everything he start doing what his gay friend do.
I was confused. What the hell is this all about I told his family. And reply I get from them was he is still baby going through stress, depression and so on…
August 2012 I had enough so came to see my family. He dropped at my parents, promising he will come and spend time with me, but he never came. Just made excuses for month that he is busy at work. Right after he send his mother away as well and brought his gay friend in our house to start living with him. And straight after that, he text me saying that “I am gay and being with you make me depressed and unhappy so don’t come back”.
I was in shock since. I asked him to meet me once but he never come. I waited for a month and one day. I went to our house because my stuff was still with him. There he was with his gay friend or maybe his boy friend. He didn’t open the door for me. In fact he knew I got the keys so he changed the lock, change alarm system so I cant get in. So he left me on street that day. Few days before he told his mother don’t came back because I don’t want you in my life.
He won’t pay
When I ask him to pay the money, he said to the lawyer that he will pay the money once I signed divorce paper. Which I know he will not, since he hasn’t pay any money since past few months. Also he hasn’t pay any maintenance, which a man have to pay to wife in our culture if he left me.
Now what I heard is he is enjoying his life with his friend. Only he have around him is this guy who believe that my ex is his best friend. He don’t want to be contacted by his own family at all.
I am shocked that he didn’t have no guilt whatsoever. Also I should mention he has taken money from his mother, friend, my parents and God knows who else ”¦ list is endless. Also he often used to bring expensive things at home and said my boss gave this to me. Also he always like to use most expensive things even though he don’t have money.
Yes I know he is a sociopath, and he used me against his mother since his mother was his victim for years. And he wanted to seal his relationship with his mother. Of course he used his gay mate against me to seal relationship with me. I know it doesn’t bother them what they really are. They can be gay, transexual or straight. Well let’s see who will be his next prey against his friend.
Ruby, first of all, no more contact with him, his family, or any other means. “No Contact.” None.
Next, if he used your personal information without your permission to create loans, credit accounts, access your banking, etc, it is illegal in ANY country. I would strongly, strongly urge you to file a criminal complaint of fraud against him, ASAP.
Then, I would strongly encourage you to contact your country’s local domestic violence hotline to get a list of counseling therapists that “get it” along with legal advice.
This person has committed a CRIME against you. Get mad, Ruby – time to get ANGRY and use that powerful energy to take action to not only protect yourself, but hold him accountable for committing crimes against you.
Brightest blessings
Hi Truthspeak,
thanks for giving me the courage, i met my lawyer and they told me same what he and his mother did is a crime. lawyers did gave me hope they were saying it is disguisting what he did to me. i have been told by my lawyers that the battle is going to be tough one so i should be very strong to fight. also they have suggested counselling aswell. so lets see whats next. i will keep you posted here.
Ruby, that is good news.
Are the lawyers talking to you about a battle to support criminal charges, or a battle to recover your money?
Are these lawyers you have seen before and whom you trust?
I think it’s possible that the fact that the black hole is with a MAN now will help to make clear that his behavior with you was fraudulent all around. I mean if there are any borderline decisions to be made by authorities/lawyers/police/juries, or that require persuasion, regarding the bank activities.
The fact that he has new money in his hands and has not repaid you says everything, in my opinion.
Please consider, however, that this legal battle will be very emotionally costly, and the black hole may “play dirty”. Just be ready.
I was moved by your last message and your sending blessings and hugs to people here. Even in your situation you can give outward, which the black hole cannot. He didn’t take from you all of your ability to shine like a sun.
He did you a big favor by removing his contagious beast self, the black hole, from your life and surroundings. Someone here said a life without a spath is a good life.
And what he left you with is a hole that is not an unlimited inhaler of mass and light like a real black hole. He left you with a small hole of finite size, except maybe it is earning interest in some bank. With or without the lawyers’ help you will make the hole smaller and smaller over time. The person who gave my me problems did not leave with my money, but he did leave me with financial problems. I have been paying back a loan for a long time, but in October it will be OVER! Paid off! My take-home pay from my work will jump up and I will do more work on my credit-card holes.
You will do this too.
Hopefully similarly with your trauma. It is more complicated than a hole, but maybe it’s like a big hole you are in which will slowly shrink with time and just leave you eventually standing on the ground, even though some terrain around you is weak or uncertain. You already seem so strong!
hi, yes I have already been told that its going to be tough battle and therefore I have to be very strong emotionally and mentally also been told that his mother might play sympathy game so be prepare. yes my lawyer is one of the best in city to deal with such cases.
you are right Ragged Ann that its a black hole which is now filled with a man money. but it just shocked me how this young man get involve with him. no I am not worry that the exspath with con him now since I strongly sometime feel that this man probably a spath aswell. they are living together. I think this new guy know my ex reality 🙂
well i know I am in pain but i felt there are people who are far more worst than me. also I am some with with good heart cant see any one in pain this is the reason my blessing are with the people who are victim of crime like me.
it is the most toughest part of my life to let go what has happen every morning I woke up in aggressive mood because i dont get proper sleep ….
hoping ill get better takes time but will be over it 🙂
xx
Ruby,
It is indeed good news that you are getting legal help!I’m also glad to hear that counseling has been suggested,because that is what will help you to be strong enough emotionally to get through this ordeal!Best Wishes! 🙂
over the past few months I am going thru hell, and what I realise is that I am finding hard to forgive me self, because every time I start thinking the thought of being used bring tears in my eyes that how badly I was being used this is something i am finding hard to get over. it hurt every day every moment 🙁
Ruby, I am SO glad that you spoke with an attorney and that you understand that what has been done to you was CRIMINAL. Yes, it is very, very painful and you are not going to simply “get over it,” anytime soon.
Recovering and healing from the type of experiences that you have had requires a long, long time and a great deal of patience and understanding for yourself – towards your Self, if that makes sense.
The most valuable thing that you could do, at this point, would be to seek a counselor that “gets it” about what you have experienced. Calling your local domestic violence hotline is the BEST way to find one. It doesn’t matter whether the spath broke your jaw or stole your money. You experienced abuse, on every level: spiritual, emotional, physical, financial, sexual……ALL OF IT.
You are going to grieve, Ruby. And, it’s “normal” and absolutely OKAY to feel this. With the help of a strong counselor, you can work through this process and prepare for a no-holds-barred legal battle that will test your strength, courage, and resolve. You will make it through all of this as a shining light of courage and recovery. Your strength and courage will be a beacon of HOPE to every other human being (woman OR man) who is victimized like you have been.
Once the tears and pain give way, anger will come storming in like a raging bull. HOW DARE he use you like he did?! HOW DARE HE?! That anger will become nearly consuming – your counselor will help you to process that normal response, as well.
Then, as the legal matters are settled and finalized, you will arrive at a place of peace and glorious anticipation. You will have realized that you are MUCH more than what this man did to you. You will finally understand that you are priceless in this vast Universe and that you have value. And, you will be able to validate this for yourself because you know that you are worthy of self-love.
Brightest and most supportive blessings
after being part of love fraud family and reading all the experiences about others life I now finally confirmed that yes he was spath. in past i used to think he mite have some issues with his sexuality but now… because of love fraud i can see the clear picture. today my lawyer started to work on my case.
this is the place I visit when I am down, upset and angry.
thanks Donna and love fraud for everything, U r doing great job. keep it up
Ruby,
Glad you can come here and find the support and information that you need.Keep reading!(((Hugs)))
if the problem was his sexual orientation would have been easy and understanding, but he has con me,
lies
fraud
money
no future plans
blaming others
filling his mum ears against me and mine against her
never pay bills
irresponsible
no commitment
some time i just sit and think same question we all ask our self why why why….. he did it !!! but no answer all i end up is angry and upset x