Editor’s note: The following was written by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Ruby.” She wants to share her story because she is finding it hard to move on with her life. She lives in Europe and English is not her first language.
When we got engage he come across really nice and kind person. Before i decided to get engage I have told him that I want this relationship based on honesty and truth and he said yeh I want the same. He come across as mummy little baby boy, which was not a problem for me, since I believe that person who love and respect his mother will do respect and care for me as well. He used to often say to me that after I get married to him, I will be the happiest woman on earth/universe. He never used to talk about any intimacy, which seems weird to me, normally what I know is guys do talk about all these things. When I asked him about he said well my ex was abusive and that is why i am scare of it.
Whenever I want to go out with him after my engagement he always have excuse busy at work. Well I ask him why you not call me every day and he said that we keep every thing to discuss after marriage. We have whole life to talk about things. i thought, yeh he is right.
Wedding and honeymoon
In March 2010 we got married. I wanted a big wedding so I spend most of the money even that time. He arrange a nice car and hotel booking for the wedding night. I was so please I felt I met the man of my dream. On the wedding night no intimacy happen and it made me worried and I ask him why nothing happen. He said my ex was abusive and start crying…
After a week he book honeymoon in Dubai where he was really good with me and gradually things happen between us. Well even in Dubai he did not want to buy anything for me and my family. I gave him money then he took me for shopping. Strange enough, he don’t really have interest to buy me lingerie, which was again shock for me, since as young newly wed man he should be buying all the sexy stuff for me. But nope.
It was a nice trip. We came back around six weeks. We had normal relationship, then one day he told me that he is going away because of his job. Where he didn’t tell me. Well he came back from trip after 10 days, he was a different person. When I ask him why you seem so tense, he told that nothing, it’s work loads. I was trying to make him feel better with all my love, so is my family. Every time I ask him why you depress he mention that my dad has died, that’s why.
Massive debt
A few months after our marriage, he ask my brother to lend him some money, which my brother refused. Then in October 2010, he request me to borrow some money for him from bank since his ex left him in debt. I did, since I can’t see him in trouble. After the loan he was good with me till January 2011.
Mid January he again feel depress. I asked him what happen, he mention nothing. I thought poor him, never been loved by family, so i gave him more love and attention. Since he told me that his family never loved him nor his siblings, so naturally I felt for him. I took him for counseling, which he stopped after few sessions. I felt that he is down, so I took him for holidays in Morocco for a week. There he was fine but has used my credit card for shopping and hotel expenses, saying I’ll pay back.
After a week I find out he is in massive debt. It was a shock for me again I help him to go through all again. A few months he was fine. He buy me new clothes. I forgot to mention we don’t really have normal intimate relationship, may be once a month. For this I have ask him to get treated. He even tried Viagra. Since I want kids, I was going to have IVF done but he refused.
The new guy
Then come January 2012. New year eve he was fine and happy. 2nd week of January I came to visit my family for a week. When i went back, I realise he is very much involved with some homosexual guy, who is very good looking with job, money and car. He started spending all this time with him. When I asked him if you are involved with him, he just said I am disgusting since I think cheap. He is just friend and I like spending time with him.
Things move on. I still thought, poor him he is depress. Was spending my time, money, emotions everything to make him better. On the other hand, I notice he started wearing the same clothes his gay friend wear, same haircut, same food, same cigarettes. My ex never smoke, thus everything he start doing what his gay friend do.
I was confused. What the hell is this all about I told his family. And reply I get from them was he is still baby going through stress, depression and so on…
August 2012 I had enough so came to see my family. He dropped at my parents, promising he will come and spend time with me, but he never came. Just made excuses for month that he is busy at work. Right after he send his mother away as well and brought his gay friend in our house to start living with him. And straight after that, he text me saying that “I am gay and being with you make me depressed and unhappy so don’t come back”.
I was in shock since. I asked him to meet me once but he never come. I waited for a month and one day. I went to our house because my stuff was still with him. There he was with his gay friend or maybe his boy friend. He didn’t open the door for me. In fact he knew I got the keys so he changed the lock, change alarm system so I cant get in. So he left me on street that day. Few days before he told his mother don’t came back because I don’t want you in my life.
He won’t pay
When I ask him to pay the money, he said to the lawyer that he will pay the money once I signed divorce paper. Which I know he will not, since he hasn’t pay any money since past few months. Also he hasn’t pay any maintenance, which a man have to pay to wife in our culture if he left me.
Now what I heard is he is enjoying his life with his friend. Only he have around him is this guy who believe that my ex is his best friend. He don’t want to be contacted by his own family at all.
I am shocked that he didn’t have no guilt whatsoever. Also I should mention he has taken money from his mother, friend, my parents and God knows who else ”¦ list is endless. Also he often used to bring expensive things at home and said my boss gave this to me. Also he always like to use most expensive things even though he don’t have money.
Yes I know he is a sociopath, and he used me against his mother since his mother was his victim for years. And he wanted to seal his relationship with his mother. Of course he used his gay mate against me to seal relationship with me. I know it doesn’t bother them what they really are. They can be gay, transexual or straight. Well let’s see who will be his next prey against his friend.
Ruby my advice would be to not bother wondering why he did it. You had lots of lovely shiny things that the spath wanted?
He sounds like my ex. I am currently paying off debts he ran up. Eventually we will be free Ruby, but the spath will always be a spath. Keep posting here there is so much support. Good luck 🙂
strongawoman:
Good point. We will heal and be free, but they are trapped in their own misery and torture. Scousepath losing a long career with having it all is absolute proof…they can’t get it together…they are sick, but we can get better. They can’t. I see SO VERY clearly now how I was SLIMED…he transferred all his misery and torture to me…God, how do they do that??
Here’s a question though…if they are trapped in their misery and they slime us…how DO we get rid of it? If they can’t get rid of it, if they can’t recover and be better, how can we get rid of it once they slime us?? I know it’s going to take a ton of work.
Louise, you get rid of their sliime because you LEARN ABOUT THEM, what they are, and THEN you learn about YOURSELF and how to heal, how to scrape that slime off yourself and be the newer, stronger, better Louise that will never again allow someone waving a red flag to penetrate your heart like that one did.
We learn to stop them cold, because we learn BOUNDARIES, and we learn SELF PROTECTION and we learn NOT TO BE AFRAID of them. Or to be afraid for standing up for ourselves, or afraid of “hurting someone’s feelings” when they violate a boundary.
The first thing I use for a “boundary” is DIS-honesty, if I see something someone is doing that is DIS-honest, I mark that person as someone I do NOT want to be an intimate friend with.
Next I use Irresponsibility. If they are not responsible in everything they do, then I avoid them, and do not become intimate with them. Do they drive drunk? That’s irresponsible and against the law. I don’t have anything to do with them.
Do they spend lots of money eating out, going to movies, buying toys of all kinds, drive a car they can’t afford, but are always trying to borrow money to pay the rent? Well, that’s irresponsible and I don’t need that kind of person in my life.
Are they rude and hateful to people? Do they talk ugly to wait staff in a place to eat? Do they want to tell you what a biatch their last 5 GFs were and how their X is always hounding them for child support and he’s not sure the kid is his anyway. Red Flag.
Our intimate friends don’t have to be “Peter Perfect” but it’s a good idea in my book, that they be KIND, HONEST, AND RESPONSIBLE. If someone meets those criteria then the rest will sort of fall into place.
Good question. Sociopathy isn’t contagious , there are many debates as to whether they’re born or made but I don’t believe we can “catch” it. Yes we were slimed by our encounter but we can, with work, rid ourselves of their imprint on our lives. The spath can’t / won’t change. Spaths don’t want to change. They enjoy being lower than a snake in the grass.
Sky has a lot more insight into this aspect than me. It’s an interesting conundrum.
Oxy:
Oh, don’t worry, it will never happen again, but getting rid of the slime is hard.
All the things you listed are spot on things to avoid. We are just fooling ourselves and setting ourselves up for failure if we accept these behaviors…no question.
strongawoman:
No, spathy is not contagious, but I can see and do feel like he transferred all his ick to me. How weird I never realized this until today and it’s been three years???
We CAN get rid of it with work, but it’s a lot of work…I feel like now it will be a lifetime of work…almost like a change in lifestyle to lose weight…we all know we can’t just “diet”…it’s about a lifestyle change. That is how I feel now about what happened to me.
They can’t change. I think Scousepath did try sometimes…I truly think he did, but he just isn’t capable.
Nope he can’t he’s stuck being a complete bell end whilst you lovely Lou get to have a life whoo! x
Hahaha…..total bell end. Brill!!
Louise, if he’s a spath he didn’t try to to change.
Strongwoman your haha made me haha! You have a contagious haha. 🙂 Lou .. I bet you he “changed” only as an expedient chess move till the heat of threatened divorce or some similar unpleasantness or inconvenience died down. Then no doubt it was business as usual. They don’t want to change, they like how they are they think they are da bomb. x