Editor’s note: The following was written by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Ruby.” She wants to share her story because she is finding it hard to move on with her life. She lives in Europe and English is not her first language.
When we got engage he come across really nice and kind person. Before i decided to get engage I have told him that I want this relationship based on honesty and truth and he said yeh I want the same. He come across as mummy little baby boy, which was not a problem for me, since I believe that person who love and respect his mother will do respect and care for me as well. He used to often say to me that after I get married to him, I will be the happiest woman on earth/universe. He never used to talk about any intimacy, which seems weird to me, normally what I know is guys do talk about all these things. When I asked him about he said well my ex was abusive and that is why i am scare of it.
Whenever I want to go out with him after my engagement he always have excuse busy at work. Well I ask him why you not call me every day and he said that we keep every thing to discuss after marriage. We have whole life to talk about things. i thought, yeh he is right.
Wedding and honeymoon
In March 2010 we got married. I wanted a big wedding so I spend most of the money even that time. He arrange a nice car and hotel booking for the wedding night. I was so please I felt I met the man of my dream. On the wedding night no intimacy happen and it made me worried and I ask him why nothing happen. He said my ex was abusive and start crying…
After a week he book honeymoon in Dubai where he was really good with me and gradually things happen between us. Well even in Dubai he did not want to buy anything for me and my family. I gave him money then he took me for shopping. Strange enough, he don’t really have interest to buy me lingerie, which was again shock for me, since as young newly wed man he should be buying all the sexy stuff for me. But nope.
It was a nice trip. We came back around six weeks. We had normal relationship, then one day he told me that he is going away because of his job. Where he didn’t tell me. Well he came back from trip after 10 days, he was a different person. When I ask him why you seem so tense, he told that nothing, it’s work loads. I was trying to make him feel better with all my love, so is my family. Every time I ask him why you depress he mention that my dad has died, that’s why.
Massive debt
A few months after our marriage, he ask my brother to lend him some money, which my brother refused. Then in October 2010, he request me to borrow some money for him from bank since his ex left him in debt. I did, since I can’t see him in trouble. After the loan he was good with me till January 2011.
Mid January he again feel depress. I asked him what happen, he mention nothing. I thought poor him, never been loved by family, so i gave him more love and attention. Since he told me that his family never loved him nor his siblings, so naturally I felt for him. I took him for counseling, which he stopped after few sessions. I felt that he is down, so I took him for holidays in Morocco for a week. There he was fine but has used my credit card for shopping and hotel expenses, saying I’ll pay back.
After a week I find out he is in massive debt. It was a shock for me again I help him to go through all again. A few months he was fine. He buy me new clothes. I forgot to mention we don’t really have normal intimate relationship, may be once a month. For this I have ask him to get treated. He even tried Viagra. Since I want kids, I was going to have IVF done but he refused.
The new guy
Then come January 2012. New year eve he was fine and happy. 2nd week of January I came to visit my family for a week. When i went back, I realise he is very much involved with some homosexual guy, who is very good looking with job, money and car. He started spending all this time with him. When I asked him if you are involved with him, he just said I am disgusting since I think cheap. He is just friend and I like spending time with him.
Things move on. I still thought, poor him he is depress. Was spending my time, money, emotions everything to make him better. On the other hand, I notice he started wearing the same clothes his gay friend wear, same haircut, same food, same cigarettes. My ex never smoke, thus everything he start doing what his gay friend do.
I was confused. What the hell is this all about I told his family. And reply I get from them was he is still baby going through stress, depression and so on…
August 2012 I had enough so came to see my family. He dropped at my parents, promising he will come and spend time with me, but he never came. Just made excuses for month that he is busy at work. Right after he send his mother away as well and brought his gay friend in our house to start living with him. And straight after that, he text me saying that “I am gay and being with you make me depressed and unhappy so don’t come back”.
I was in shock since. I asked him to meet me once but he never come. I waited for a month and one day. I went to our house because my stuff was still with him. There he was with his gay friend or maybe his boy friend. He didn’t open the door for me. In fact he knew I got the keys so he changed the lock, change alarm system so I cant get in. So he left me on street that day. Few days before he told his mother don’t came back because I don’t want you in my life.
He won’t pay
When I ask him to pay the money, he said to the lawyer that he will pay the money once I signed divorce paper. Which I know he will not, since he hasn’t pay any money since past few months. Also he hasn’t pay any maintenance, which a man have to pay to wife in our culture if he left me.
Now what I heard is he is enjoying his life with his friend. Only he have around him is this guy who believe that my ex is his best friend. He don’t want to be contacted by his own family at all.
I am shocked that he didn’t have no guilt whatsoever. Also I should mention he has taken money from his mother, friend, my parents and God knows who else ”¦ list is endless. Also he often used to bring expensive things at home and said my boss gave this to me. Also he always like to use most expensive things even though he don’t have money.
Yes I know he is a sociopath, and he used me against his mother since his mother was his victim for years. And he wanted to seal his relationship with his mother. Of course he used his gay mate against me to seal relationship with me. I know it doesn’t bother them what they really are. They can be gay, transexual or straight. Well let’s see who will be his next prey against his friend.
Tea, I love your one liners so thanks for making me haha 😆
Louise,
I know exactly what you mean. I know all about them, I can spot them a mile away. But I still feel slimed.
I’m thinking that we have been looking at this the wrong way. Maybe they didn’t exactly slime us. Maybe they cut us open and made us look at the slime that was already inside us that we had been ignoring. Spaths like to cut people open. My spath told his friend what he wanted to do to the crazy-husband-stealing-neighbor-woman, “I’d like to cut her open from her neck to her navel.”
This is a new theory that just occurred to me, in part, because I know that my slime isn’t from the spath, it’s from my parents rejecting me. Of course they pretend to love me now, but all I can think of is how they treated “baby skylar” and how they betrayed me by not telling me what they knew because they wanted to see me toppled from my pedestal. They were envious of me.
So, I think that until we find the original source of the slime (the original sin, so to speak), we will not be healed.
Spaths like to make us see that we really aren’t as great as we thought we were. They try to convince us that we are really just like them. Although that isn’t true, we aren’t exactly like them, once we see the slime that was in us all along, we feel like we might as well be as ashamed as the spath.
I think that the key is humility: Forgiving ourselves for not being as perfect as we thought we were. It’s not easy. I still haven’t managed it. I’m not sure how.
Strongawoman,
I think the difference between us and the spaths is how we choose to deal with the slime.
They like to wallow in it and spread it around. We close our eyes and pretend it isn’t there.
My spath said to me, “Living is easy with eyes closed.”
Yep, it is.
Once we know we’ve got slime on us, there is no use denying it anymore. We have to face it, accept it and get to work removing it, all the while living in a world that is slime-based.
Maybe that’s what Jesus meant when he said, “Be in this world, not of it.”
Someone please pass the slime remover…
Skylar,
My ex once tried to draw me in on his ridicule of a dear mutual friend. (She isn’t friends with him anymore)
Anyway, he used to call her horrible names and remarked once ….what would she say if she knew WE called her that!!
I put him straight but felt something most unpleasant.
I’m in total agreement that we have to accept it.Sticky stuff tho
Tea Light:
So, so true. He is a bell end…LOVE it…HE IS!! And that’s right…he will always be a mess, but I will be and AM leading a GOOD life. It is still unbelievable to me that it finally all caught up with him and he is gone from there…I really can’t believe it. I really did think he would always get away with it and apparently so did he. He thought he was invincible.
You got it exactly…he only “changed” for a period of time until he felt safe again and then he fell back into his old patterns. I suspected as much. Business as usual…haha…yep. x
This raises a question I have for everyone. I have heard that even serial killers will have periods where they don’t murder…like they go into hiding or something. I have wondered if spaths are the same…they stop their behavior for awhile to look good or only to dupe someone like their wife into thinking they have changed. They do this all the time…just wondering everyone’s take on this…thanks.
skylar:
Very good point. I wonder about this now, too, but I also don’t know how to find the original slime. I can search and search my childhood and what happened or didn’t happen, how I was treated or not treated, etc., but I’m not sure I will ever get there. I’m so sorry for what your parents did to you. So awful…they probably thought you would never figure it all out.
Here’s a formula that I call Dust Off because one basically has to dust yourself off to get rid of the fall-out from a predatory relationship!
D- DON’T shame or blame yourself!
U- Understand that healing is NOT a return to your former self- It’s awareness. It’s understanding. It’s empowerment.
S- Seek counseling or therapy. It is darn tough to grapple with the confussion and depression. Get Help!
T- Take stock of your feelings- You may have gotten caught in a Betrayal Bond. Write down your story- and it helps if you do so in third person so you can see yourself as a character in the tale. It makes it easier to get it all out- you can do so on this blog and you can also do so at a new site, CADalert@blogspot.com. At CAD Alert- you can identify the correct biographical data of the person who hurt you so that they will have a difficult time lying to the next unsuspecting victim.
O- Outward Bound! Get out and do things you enjoy! Get excercise, fresh air. Pump yourself full of good endorfins through excercise!
F- Family and Friends can be a great support, or undermine you. Just like the CAD fooled you, he also fooled the folks around you. don’t think they no longer care about you if they don’t agree with your awareness. Disbelief is the first step toward belief.
F- Form an awareness of how predator’s work so you won’t be fooled again!
I have written a book called CAD- Carnal Abusive Deceit- When a Predator’s Lies Become Rape. It is in the pre-publish stages. If you would like a copy upon release, write to me at jmincheff@gmail.com…. and be sure to visit http://www.CADalert@blogspot.com to register the information of the CAD who hurt you!
GM to All,
So much good stuff above, a treasure trove of learning for me.
Ox Drover, had I used the Kind, Responsible, honest criteria above, before agreeing to get involed in relationship with him…well it would have shut down quick. Mine literally did all the stuff you mentioned above, calling all ex GF-wifes’ B’s and not to be trusted, drive drunk ect. It did alarm me…honest truth is the attraction was so strong, I ignored all alarm bells.
Skylar, how so true, humility over our own blemishes is necessary growth. I belong to ACA…and this is talked about alot. I am still working on it…maybe for a long time.
MincheffJoyce, thx for the dust off…I have copied it. Perfect blueprint for the healing ahead.
Thx to you all, so grateful for LF.
Blue
Louise,
you asked:
This might answer your question. It’s the same pattern as earthquakes…
http://www.foxnews.com/scitech/2012/01/18/math-formula-may-explains-why-serial-killers-kill/
I think it was Lloyd DeMause who called it “the hysteroidal cycle”. He says that human beings have cycles of hysteria which culminate in atrocities. These atrocities provide the drama they need and the catharsis they seek. It applies to groups as well as to individuals.
Edit: maybe it was Andrew Lobaczewski
skylar:
Thanks so much for the link. I bookmarked it. Interesting phenomenon. I always felt like there was some type of cycle…I can almost feel it or see it with them…they seem to die down for a while or try to be good and then when they do come back, it’s with a vengeance. Then after all that gets them in trouble, they settle down again for awhile…off and on, off and on. I think I read about hysteroidal cycle here last year, but I am going to Google it again. I swear I could read forever about all this crap.